She walked into the common room ready to cry, but she couldn't, not if Draco would be there too. She looked at the couches, but Draco wasn't there. He must heave gone to bed already she thought. She saw her bag on her arm chair, untouched. She sat on the floor in front of the couch, there alone, she started to feel dirty. This is how shed feel after her father would leave her room at night. Harry was questioning her and he almost found out about her cutting. Everything was too much, Hermione decided to curl up in front of the fire, watching the flames dance as she felt her head spinning. As she was drifting to sleep she heard the bathroom door open.
Draco had just come out of a shower. He was wearing jeans and a belt, but his shirt was still on his shoulder. As he walked into the room he saw her, she was asleep near the fire. She looked at peace, unlike how she looked in class. Her arm was under her head like a pillow, and that's when Draco saw it. A thin line of gauze peaked out from her sleeve, it was caked with blood. "Hermione" he whispered. "whats happened to you" Draco knew that he had fallen for this girl. This girl who was broken, just as he was, who was damaged just like he was, and this girl who was hurting just like he was. And he hoped that one day she could love him the way he did.
Draco knelt down next to her, and brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. As his hand brushed her ear, she stirred awake. " im sorry that I woke you." Draco whispered.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep, but everything today has just been too much." She said as she sat up. " A nap was better then what I wanted to do…I wanted to cut, but if I did I didn't think I could stop." She turned to Draco, and hugged him, as she breathed in she smelled his body wash, a musky yet flowery sent that matched his personality.
"what's wrong with today? Come sit and lets talk." He said pulling her up onto the couch. She sat on one side, curled into the arm hugging a pillow. He sat on the opposite side, relaxed, and still in just his jeans and shirt. His skin pale and clean, prickled by the cool winter air. His arms were bandaged, his cuts lying raw and some re-opened by the shower, stinging the gauze with crimson lines. His arms held many scars, from shoulder to elbow. Some, Hermione saw, were from cutting, others were from dark magic, like the scar that ran along his neck like a spider web.
"What do you want to talk about Draco. I'm not good at this … I don't normally talk about this." She was scared, they knew what each other was doing, they knew why. But they didn't know how bad the other had it. Nothing compared to the pain each one suffered individually. But together maybe they could help stop it from getting worse.
"I want to start out by saying how sorry I am, and please believe me." He said, "For years I have been horrible to you, causing you unnecessary pain and torment, when you had your own hell to deal with. I thought I had it bad, I thought I was fucked up. You are always smiling and laughing, and living your life. I hated you for that."
"So Severus told you? I don't blame him; he's told me little details about your childhood. But just to justify that he understood what was wrong with me. I wanted to talk to you, but… talking isn't easy for me. Harry and Ron, and Ginny even they have no idea about what was going on. Harry and Ginny are suspecting something; he tried to check my arms before." She said holding her wrist.
"Father does that, check my arms, every few weeks. If I haven't had my sleeves rolled up for a while or if I don't have my mind blocked. I call Snape my father because he is the only parent I have really known. My parents aren't my parents, they only created me. The only good they ever did. My neck " he said laying his hand over his scar, " I was 10, and was playing with the house elves, I was on my practice broom, and knocked one over. Winkie her name was, I hopped off my broom and helped her up, saying I was sorry. Father watched the whole thing and came out side. He took out his wand, and killed winkie, saying that she was bewitching me into freeing her. Then he pulled it on me, he dug the tip into my throat. Yelling about what a horrible son I make, how I should have never been born, that I couldn't possibly be a Malfoy and how I was never to talk to an elf again unless someone else was in the room. He didn't even heal the mark, I bled for hours, until I used enough toilet paper to make it stop." He stopped and took his hand away, " it still hurts sometimes, when he's mad, it has traces of his magic in it. I figured that out after some time." Draco looked sad, but also happy " it hasn't hurt in about 6 months. I think He might be dead. one could only hope"
"I have too many scars to remember how they all happened. I know each one that I made though. I look at my scars, and the cuts that will become more scars, and I see how strong I am" Hermione was quiet for a moment, seeing that Draco looked a little confused
"Scars are stronger then the skin that was there before. Its been scientifically proven in the muggle world. I see it as, I have control over the weaker self. The self that cant control it. The one that gets hit, and… the one that he…does things to. I know I shouldn't do it. But….it" she was cut off by Draco finishing her sentence.
"it helps…I know. I do it too remember?" he smiled, and took her hand. He went to pull up her sleeve, but she whispered "please don't." he could see that she was scared. " im not going to hurt you Hermione"
"please say it again. I know you said it before….but I like how it sounds when you say it"
"I'm not going to hurt you." He said slowly
"no, when you said my name" she said, a tear forming in the corner of her eye
" I am never, ever going to hurt you, Hermione" he said her name slow, and strong, as the tear fell down her face. He rose his hand slowly, too fast would scare her, and with one finger he wiped it way. " I enjoy saying your name, and I love how it sounds when you say mine. You say it with love, with care… I don't normally hear my name like that." He said " I'm sure your not used to it either."
She didn't answer, but shook her head yes. She unfolded her legs and sat back into the couch. Draco, putting on his tee shirt, moved closer to her. " why are you being so nice? All of a sudden. I don't mind it, but… its kinda scary for me Draco…you know how easily I could get hurt.. I don't want to fall for someone if it's a trick"
" Father talked to me tonight, he wanted me to stop pretending to be like my creator. He raised me to love, and not judge, but I had to live up to the Malfoy name." he slid off the couch and onto the floor in front of her, he took her hand gently " he told me it was time to change, to be the real me. I know its hard, especially after all that I have put you through, but what you make me feel is real…I don't want to hide that feeling anymore. I look at you, sad and broken, but so together on the outside, and I want to make every corner of your life happy." Draco looked into her eyes, but was unable to read her face, just then the clock on the wall chimed the hour, 1am.
"I don't know if I can feel happy Draco, but I feel something for you. Id like to try to be happy. But with break in a few days, what ever happy I feel will be beaten out of me, and we'll have to work at it again if I come back" Hermione said keeping the eye contact with Draco.
"What do you mean if? Your not plan…" Draco was cut off by Hermione placing her other hand over his mouth.
" no, im not, but I don't know how much trouble ill be in when I go home, I left with out telling him and I haven't responded to 3 of his letters. I wish I didn't have to go there. But the Weasley's are going to visit Bill and his wife in France. Harry is going to be alone at his god-fathers old house that he was given and I don't feel right asking to go there. He'd start asking questions. I could stay here, but my father might be able to find me. I don't know if that's possible. But I know I'm afraid. I'm so tired of being afraid." She said and stood up "it's late, we should get to bed."
" you say that as if you'd rather not go to sleep….nightmares?" said draco, turning off the light next to the couch, as Hermione picked up her bag.
"How did you know?" she asked
"I get them too. So tell me this, do you really get nose bleeds? Or.." she cut him off
"So you've noticed… I do get them…but not as often as I do other things. Im not going to promise you that ill stop" she said mater of factly.
"And im not asking you to stop, if you don't ask me to. but I would rather you come to me, and if I could ill come to you. But we will eventually have to talk to Severus." He said leaning against the door frame to his room, as she did the same to her own.
"That might work, if we try to talk to one another instead of cutting. maybe we can learn to not do it…over time. What time do you go to breakfast?" she asked, changing the subject
"if I eat it, I go at 7, not a lot of people so I don't have to pretend as much. How about you? I never see you in the great hall anymore." Draco was falling for her, and it only took one night. This was good, but he didn't know how to handle it, but one thing was in his mind, no matter how much this feeling inside of him weighed on his mind, he didn't feel the need to cut.
" I don't really eat much lately. I haven't been hungry, Harry makes me eat dinner. But most nights it makes me sick. Then I feel bad for getting sick and I cut. It's a horrible way to live… but I cant help that I don't want to eat." As she finished her sentence, Draco noticed that she had lost a lot of weight. She was never big, but her uniform used to be filled out more. Now it looked three sizes too big. Her face was thin, and weak. Her eyes always held black circles. And the scar above her eye brow was the only color on her face.
" Come eat breakfast with me in the morning. Nothing big, but I think if we are going to make this" he said grabbing her hand " you and I work, we need to get better. I think, that its time this world had more love. And its going to be hard for me. But I feel love for you, if that is the feeling that im feeling right now." Draco leaned over and kissed her hand.
" I don't know if im worth it, I don't know if I can feel love. But I feel safe with you, and that is close enough to love for now. I don't know it the whole school is ready to see you and I getting along. We might need to start slow. Breakfast tomorrow sounds good. But please…if I don't eat much don't make a big deal out of it."
"I promise" he said
" good night Draco, sleep well" she said, kissing his cheek
"good night, Hermione, if your dreams start to get too bad, and you cant sleep, come into my room. When I was little, father would let me sleep next to him and it made those memories and nightmares go away. I know its fast, but I will never hurt you. But its up to you. I will never do something with out asking you first. "
"you wont be mad if im not ready to do that yet?"
" no, but when you are ready I'll be there" he said "Hermione, may I kiss you good night?"
She thought a moment, feeling scared. But then looked into his eyes. He was safe, he was warm. He said her name. " yes, Draco" and with that he kissed her lightly on her lips. She was cold. But kissed back gently. Both of them felt a spark. And turned, opening their doors and went off to bed.
