The rest of the car ride back to Olivia's apartment is completely silent, Fin dropping them off first, even though Carisi's place is closer. By the time she and Amanda dash through the pouring rain and into her building, they are both completely drenched, water dripping off their hair and clothing as they ride the elevator up to her unit.
Olivia cannot seem to keep her eyes off of the younger woman, Amanda eerily quiet now after the explosion of noise in the car earlier, the screaming and the sobbing and the struggling. This silent version of her colleague is somehow much more disconcerting, as Amanda hasn't looked at her once since getting out of Fin's vehicle, had not acknowledged either one of the men as Olivia had said her goodbyes, the exchange awkward between them, all of the levity and relaxation of earlier in the evening gone, and she knows her co-workers are extremely concerned and confused, but they will have to wait to find out what's going on with Amanda.
At this point Olivia is not even sure if she herself is going to find out, as the other woman seems to have been rendered entirely mute after her earlier breakdown. Even the constant shaking has stopped, and Amanda is as still as a statue inside the elevator, gripping the safety bar with her hands and staring at the floor, giving no sign at all that she is even aware of Olivia standing next to her.
When they get to the correct floor, Olivia walks down the hallway to her apartment, water trailing in her wake, Amanda shuffling along beside her, long hair hanging in her face, the blonde strands soaked and dripping. Both Olivia and Amanda's clothes are clinging to them, sopping wet with rain, and she knows she will have to find something for the smaller woman to wear.
She thinks the other woman may have been stunned into silence by her earlier outburst, shocked by the strength of her own meltdown, or possibly just extremely embarrassed, but Olivia wishes Amanda would start communicating with her again, even if it is just through text, if that's what the other woman feels more comfortable with. She tries to refrain from touching her again as she leads her colleague into the bathroom, pulling a couple of towels out for each of them, handing one to Amanda and then running her own towel through her thick brown locks, trying to squeeze the moisture out of them.
Amanda just stands there, holding the towel limply in her hand like she doesn't know what to do with it, and finally Olivia takes it from her, her hands ghosting over the other woman's shoulders as she urges her to turn around, rubbing the towel vigorously through Amanda's long hair, before motioning for the smaller woman to follow her into the bedroom so they can find some clothes. She digs around in her closet for a few minutes before pulling out a couple of robes and handing one to Amanda.
"Here, put this on for now, so you can get out of those wet clothes. I'll look for something warmer for you to wear. Maybe some pajamas or a sweatsuit?" She continues searching through her clothing for something appropriate for the blonde detective to put on before she realizes that Amanda is again just standing there, not moving, the robe clutched limply in her hand just like the towel had been.
"Hey," Olivia says gently, reaching out to smooth a hand down the other woman's arm, the wet material of her sweatshirt bunching under her touch. "Honey, can you talk to me? You're pretty out of it here and it's scaring me a bit," she admits.
Amanda still doesn't respond to her and Olivia carefully takes a hold of her chin, tilting her face up so their eyes meet. The small detective has a vacant look in her gaze and Olivia feels a chill run through her, before the blue eyes seem to sharpen and she can tell that Amanda is back from wherever her mind had taken her.
"Hey," she whispers, with a slight smile. "Do you want to get changed, sweetheart? Your clothes are soaking wet. Can you take them off and put this robe on while I find you something proper to wear?"
Amanda shakes her head and Olivia's brow is furrowed in confusion as she regards the pale woman in front of her. "No, you don't want to get changed, or no, you can't get changed?"
The blonde woman shrugs, her gaze fixed on the ground now, and Olivia reaches out to touch her arm again. "I can leave so you can have some privacy, okay? Is that what you want?"
Amanda shakes her head again and Olivia stifles a sigh of frustration, pretty sure at this point that the younger woman has no idea what she wants and is just overwhelmed in general with the events of the evening, looking like she is dead on her feet and about to collapse from exhaustion. "Do you want me to help you?" she asks softly, and Amanda nods shyly, looking up at her with vulnerable blue eyes, her front teeth biting down on her lower lip.
Olivia feels a bit hesitant about the situation but Amanda is regarding her with a trusting gaze now, eyes heavy-lidded like she is too tired to carry on by herself, and she sways slightly on her feet, Olivia reaching out yet again to lay a steadying hand on her arm. She wants to give the smaller woman some semblance of privacy, so she steps closer to her to try to turn the detective around so she can help her off with her shirt from behind, when Amanda suddenly leans into her. Olivia falters slightly on her feet with the unexpected weight against her, arms closing around her colleague as Amanda lays her head on her shoulder, the other woman's arms wrapping around her waist.
"Hey," Olivia whispers, stroking a hand through the damp blonde tresses. "Are you alright?"
"I'm tired," Amanda mumbles, and Olivia is relieved to hear her voice, her arms tightening around her colleague as Amanda sags more heavily against her.
"Okay," she replies gently. "How about we just get you into some pajamas and you can spend the night here? You can have my bed and I'll take the couch. Maybe it would be better to talk in the morning, when you're feeling a bit more alert." If Olivia is being entirely honest with herself, she is starting to get a little too tired for a long, deep conversation at this point of the night, but also knows that if Amanda wants to talk now, she is more than ready to listen.
"I'm too tired to change," Amanda murmurs, her head still heavy against Olivia's shoulder.
"That's why I'm going to help you," Olivia says softly. "You can't go to bed in soaking wet clothes."
Amanda is silent and still for a moment, just leaning into Olivia, and she has her arms wrapped securely around the small detective, just holding her, her colleague seeming to so desperately need the comfort.
"Liv, I didn't mean to flip out on Carisi in the car," Amanda finally mumbles. "I just couldn't control myself. I feel so bad. He didn't do anything to deserve that."
"I know," Olivia replies quietly, still stroking her fingers through the other woman's long damp hair. She hesitates for a moment, realizing they are both getting too exhausted to have this conversation, but she forges ahead anyway. "Can you tell me why that happened?"
"Nothing happened," Amanda whispers.
Olivia is frowning in confusion again. "What do you mean? If you're talking about the car ride home, yes, something did happen, Amanda."
"I mean before." The smaller woman's voice is so low Olivia has to strain to hear her now, Amanda's face pressed into the damp fabric of her shirt.
"What do you mean 'before'?" Olivia asks softly.
"I mean it was practically nothing," Amanda mutters. "It was so fast, it was like it didn't happen. So sometimes it feels like it actually didn't. It makes it easier."
Olivia has a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach now and she pulls away from the other woman, her hands gripping the detective's upper arms, fingers circled around the wet material of her sweatshirt. "What was so fast it was like it didn't happen?" She stares hard at Amanda, the smaller woman staring back at her, and they regard each other intensely for a long moment. "Can you elaborate on that, Amanda?"
Her colleague continues to stare at her, and Olivia can see it in her eyes, the pain and vulnerability and shame, but then Amanda shakes her head and leans into her again. Olivia sighs, closing her arms around the smaller woman once more, feeling the trembling of the other woman's body starting up again.
"Okay. It's okay," she soothes. "We don't have to talk about it right now. Let's just get ready for bed, alright?"
She feels Amanda nod against her but the blonde detective makes no effort to move out of her arms, her body seeming to become even heavier in her grip, and Olivia shakes her lightly.
"Hey, honey, you're falling asleep on your feet here," she says gently, pulling away from her as carefully as she can and turning Amanda around so they are not facing each other anymore. "Lift your arms up," she instructs softly.
With Amanda's help, they both manage to get the sopping wet sweatshirt pulled over her head and Olivia carefully undoes the clasp on the other woman's white bra that has soaked all the way through. When the bra slides down Amanda's arms and onto the floor, Olivia leans over to pick up one of the towels she had brought in with her when she suddenly stops short, staring at Amanda's bare back.
"What's this?" she whispers, running her fingers lightly over the ugly red scratches marring the otherwise smooth pale skin, the smaller woman's ribs standing out prominently with the weight loss.
The other woman is silent, her head bowed, and Olivia continues to stare at the marks, a tight feeling in her chest now.
"Amanda," she says softly. "What happened? Do they hurt?"
"No anymore," the smaller woman murmurs, and Olivia bites her lip, feeling the sudden threat of tears and blinking them back quickly.
She sighs softly, rubbing a tired hand over her face with one hand as she very carefully strokes the towel over Amanda's back with the other, not wanting to hurt the blonde detective any more than she clearly has been already. She is covering her up with the towel to give her some privacy before turning her around, when the other woman suddenly whirls around on her own, and Olivia gasps, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Amanda!"
The same ugly red scratches are littering the smaller woman's chest and Amanda looks down at herself, blushing as she seems to realize she has nothing covering her, and crosses her arms in front of her. Olivia gently drapes the towel over her and Amanda clutches onto it with both hands, staring at her again, her blue eyes full of pain and sorrow, and Olivia quickly wipes a hand over one of her own eyes, her fingers moist when she pulls them away.
"It's from the brick wall," Amanda whispers, without prompting, and Olivia swallows down a lump in her throat, feeling a sudden wave of nausea.
"The brick wall?" she repeats, her voice sounding faint to her own ears.
"When he shoved me against it," Amanda mumbles, looking down at the floor again.
"When who shoved you against it?" Olivia asks softly, and the other woman shrugs.
"I honestly have no idea."
"Where did this happen?" Olivia questions in a gentle tone, and frowns when Amanda's head snaps up right away, her expression one of guilt and regret.
"I just went to have a cigarette outside," she mutters. "Just one fucking cigarette, that's all."
"Okay..." Olivia trails off, her eyebrows raised now. "Where were you having this cigarette?"
"In the alley."
Olivia sighs. "Amanda..."
The other woman is quiet again, her teeth worrying her lower lip, and Olivia is far too exhausted to play this guessing game but feels the need to keep pushing now that she has seen these wounds on her colleague and Amanda has alluded to something terrible taking place.
"Where was the alley located? Outside a bar?"
"It was an underground place," Amanda mumbles. "A club of sorts."
"Oh," Olivia says softly, seeing where this is going now; understanding that look of guilt and shame. "Did you have a relapse, honey? Are you gambling again?"
Amanda's gaze is fixed firmly on the floor once more and she nods slowly. "It was just one time, though, Liv. I just slipped up once, that's all, and I paid for it. I paid for it dearly." She lets loose a bitter laugh and Olivia reaches for her again, but this time the detective steps away from her, shunning the physical contact.
Amanda is still standing there half naked with the towel clutched around her chest, and the shivering has started up in earnest again, and Olivia has to stop herself from wrapping her up in her embrace, her colleague looking tiny and shamed in front of her.
"I've wanted to gamble again for a few weeks now," Amanda continues in a low voice, not meeting Olivia's gaze. "The cases we've had lately, Liv...they've just been so terrible...it's like we never get a break."
Olivia nods in confirmation, internally agreeing with her, as she herself has felt like she has reached the breaking point at many times over the course of the past couple of months, each case seemingly more heinous than the last, the number of children that they have had to deal with, a shocking number of kids lately that they haven't been able to save, haven't been able to get justice for. She is a veteran of this now, as are her colleagues, but knows her own issues are cropping up as well, the need to end each evening with a glass of wine that turns into two and then three and sometimes the entire bottle, and she has wondered how her co-workers have been coping lately, the sudden explosion of ugly cases seeming to take their toll on everyone and necessitating what was supposed to be a fun night out at the drive-in that evening, an escape from reality for a little while. But reality had come crashing down hard for Amanda, simply because she had had to share the backseat of the car with someone from the opposite sex.
"I tried really hard not to give in," Amanda whispers. "I went to meetings almost every night to try to make the urges stop, but then last week..." She trails off for a moment and Olivia watches her struggle with her words, again trying to stop herself from reaching out for the smaller woman. "Last week I just broke."
The towel slips from Amanda's weak grasp and Olivia leans down to pick it up off the floor, wincing as she sees the marks on the other woman's chest again, and when she tries to hand the towel back, the blonde detective is suddenly in her arms again, sagging against her in despair and exhaustion, and Olivia wraps the towel around her back before pulling her closer, her arms closing around the frail woman.
She realizes Amanda is talking again and leans down to try to hear what she is saying, the younger woman mumbling the words into her shoulder. "You know, it wasn't even a big deal, Liv. It happened so fast and then it was over. It only took a few minutes and then he was gone. I should just get over it. It barely even counts."
"Amanda..." A tear slips from Olivia's eye now, trailing down her cheek, and she is glad the other woman can't see her face. "Whatever it was that happened, it counts. You're obviously traumatized and you have these marks all over your chest and back. It counts," she repeats firmly.
"It was my own damn fault," Amanda mutters. "I couldn't control my self destructive urges. If I had just stayed home, this wouldn't have happened."
"You have an addiction, honey," Olivia says softly, stroking her hand very carefully down the blonde detective's back, not wanting to aggravate her injuries. "This wasn't a punishment, okay? Whatever took place in that alley was not your fault. Please tell me you understand that."
Amanda is quiet against her and Olivia jostles her lightly, trying to get her to respond.
"Liv, I'm tired," the other woman finally mumbles, and she sighs, hugging Amanda closer to her once more before pulling away slightly and holding onto her shoulders as she looks into the exhausted blue eyes.
"Okay, how about we go to bed and talk some more in the morning?" she suggests gently and sees Amanda's weary nod.
Olivia grabs one of the robes that she had tossed onto the bed and wraps it around the shaking form of her colleague, pulling the towel out from underneath the garment and then hesitating briefly before helping Amanda out of her soaking wet jeans and panties, the other woman holding onto her shoulders as she slides them down her legs and pulls them off.
Amanda sits on the bed, looking fragile and forlorn as Olivia finds her warmest pair of pajamas, dressing her colleague slowly and carefully, before quickly divesting herself of her own drenched clothing and almost sighing in relief when she pulls on her own warm pair of pajamas, happy to be dry and comfortable.
"Okay, I'm just going to be out on the couch if you need anything," she says softly as she tucks Amanda into the bed, wrapping the thick quilt snuggly around her, the other woman looking small underneath all the covers, her damp blonde hair spread out across Olivia's pillow.
Her co-worker nods and parts her lips, suddenly looking like she wants to say something, and Olivia hovers there for a moment, one eyebrow slightly raised, waiting for Amanda to speak, but the other woman closes her mouth and smiles slightly. "Goodnight, Liv."
"Goodnight, Amanda." Olivia feels like her feet are glued to the floor for a moment as she turns to leave, and she feels like she should stay, like she should be the smaller woman's anchor throughout the night after such an awful evening, but she doesn't want to push it and Amanda hasn't verbalized her need for Olivia to be there with her.
"Please come and get me if you need anything at all, okay?" she says firmly and watches Amanda nod, her colleague's eyes already closing.
Olivia closes the door softly behind her and pads into the living room, getting her own bed set up on the couch. As utterly depleted as she feels now, she finds that she cannot settle down and she tosses and turns, picking up the TV remote and wondering if she should flip through the channels to see if anything interesting is on. She can't get her mind off of Amanda and the revelations of earlier and she rubs a tired hand across her eyes, wondering if the other woman has been able to fall asleep.
As if in answer to her question, her phone suddenly lights up on the end table beside her, giving a sharp buzz, and she quickly swipes it up into her hand, noticing the message is from Amanda.
"Thank you, Liv," it simply reads.
Her lip turns up at the corner and she sends a fast reply. "Anytime, Amanda. I'm glad you're staying here tonight."
"Me too," is the equally quick answer.
Olivia is keying in a response when another lightning fast text comes in from the smaller woman.
"I'm still scared."
She frowns and bites her lip, her legs twitching underneath the blanket, wondering if she should get up and go check on her colleague, but decides to send her another message instead.
"It's okay to be scared."
She waits several seconds for a return text and when one doesn't come, she sits up on the couch, swinging her legs over the side, preparing to get to her feet.
As if Amanda knows what she is doing, her phone lights up with another message. "I'm okay, Liv. Goodnight."
Olivia perches on the edge of the couch, the urge to go back to her bedroom so strong, but she doesn't want to intrude on Amanda's personal space more than she already has that night and unless the smaller woman specifically states that she needs her, actually asks for Olivia's help again, she resolves to stay put in the living room. Her thumbs hover over her phone screen in hesitation, a frown fixes on her face, as she keys in her final message of the evening.
"Goodnight, Amanda."
