A/n: Yay! I've finished Brisingr! It was pretty good...and has given me several ideas for this fic, mainly movie discrepancies. So in this chapter I'm ranting about:
Soldiers in Carvahall - here's why it makes NO sense:
a) Carvahall is supposed to be a little village mostly untouched by the Empire (save for trading, etc.)
b) (The MAJOR problem) Brom settled in Carvahall after he got Saphira's egg to the Varden, and also to be near Eragon. Everyone, including Galabatorix, believed him to be dead. If anyone knew that Brom was alive and Galbatorix found out, he would have captured and killed Brom and then found out about Eragon, too.
There are soldiers in Carvahall in the movie. No doubt they probably figured out Brom's name. Also, it seems like they've been in Carvahall for awhile.
THEREFORE:
Galbatorix would have found out that Brom was there and still alive, so he would have Brom captured and killed. Then he'd find out that Eragon is in Carvahall, with Saphira, and capture them too. This would obviously ruin the entire plot of the book, IF the book had soldiers in Carvahall. However, since we're talking about the movie, the plot has already been tampered with to such a degree that it is already irrepairable. (And Saphira hasn't even hatched yet!)
Another thing I realized...the movie contains none of the book's brilliant wit, like how Eragon doesn't realize that Saphira is a female dragon when he's naming her, and she rejects every male name until he realizes that she's female. In the movie it offers no explaination as to how he knew she's female until she grows up in two seconds.
Maybe I'm ranting too much...anyway, on with the parody!
P.S. The Galba-galba-galbatorix part is a reference from an Eragon funny edits spoof I found on YouTube. Check it out!
Chapter 3: Radioactive clouds and Ra'zac
Later that night, a noise was coming from the 'stone.' Eragon stared at it curiously and prodded it with a stick (the same stick, incidentally, that caused the roof to cave in.)
Suddenly, the 'stone' began to vibrate.
"Agh! It's alive!" shrieked Eragon. He jumped up onto his bed, a broom in hand.
The 'stone' cracked open and onto the floor flopped a blue baby dragon. At this point it was pointless to keep calling it a stone, since by now everyone had figured out that it was an egg.
"Wow! That's one strange stone!" exclaimed Eragon.
Everyone except a particularly dense main character, of course.
One would think that Eragon would be more surprised that this weird critter just hatched in his room... but nope, he isn't suspicious of it or anything.
"Aww you're so cute." The dragon edged nearer to him. Eragon put his hand out to pet it. "C'mere, C'mere, yes you're so cute! Yes you are yes you-" The dragon's snout touched Eragon's hand.
KABLOOEY!
The scene shifted to Arya, who was in some sort of torture chamber. She smiled, as if she knew that the egg had hatched - well, she sort of did. There was a flat screen TV in her cell that continuously played the Eragon movie. (Talk about torture!)
She then realized that she wasn't chained down to the stone table-thing she was lying on. She jumped up and ran away, and then slipped and fell because she was wearing heels.
Eragon woke up. During the the time he'd been unconscious, the dragon had been gnawing on his foot. There were several bite marks in his boot.
He looked on his hand where the dragon had touched him.
On his hand, below his thumb, was a brown scar in the shape of an 'E.'
Just like 'Eragon.'
What an amazing coincidence.
"Hmmm...I wonder what carnivorous, reptilian dragons eat?" Eragon thought for a moment. "I know, cow's milk!"
Eragon took out a cloth container of milk. The dragon snapped at and broke the container, which caused the milk to spill on the floor.
I'm lactose intolerant, you fool! thought the dragon.
Meanwhile, with Durza and Galbatorix (who has not been properly introduced in the books yet, mind you)...
"The dragon has hatched to a boy in Carvahall, but he is a mere farm boy," reported Durza, "Although I really don't know where I got this information - Arya never actually told me..."
"Didn't you watch Star Wars?" said Galbatorix in in a rather stupid-sounding voice, "Farm boys are always the most dangerous. And how did you know he's a farm boy?"
Durza held up a copy of the Eragon movie.
"And…have you…?"
"No. I have been unable to make any sense of the plot."
"If this boy gets more powerful, he may be a challenge to me. I do not like challenges. Challenges are challenging and they challenge me, which I do not like."
"I will stop him before he becomes a man."
There was a very long, awkward silence.
"I want my mommy," complained Eragon in an angsty moment. He looked at the cute fluffy dragon. It walked up to him, looking adorable. He rubbed her under her chin. "Did your mother leave you too?"
The dragon barfed on him.
Gosh, you're such a mama's boy.
"Fly my pretties, fly!" shouted Durza, summoning the Ra'zac.
Book fans were confused at this moment. Durza doesn't summon the Ra'zac! Still, the veiwers remained hopeful that, despite this difference, the Ra'zac would be portrayed as the frightening, cloaked bird-like villains they were.
In two seconds their hopes were broken into a thousand tiny pieces. Those pieces were then stomped on with a heavy boot. The tinier pieces were deposited into a blender and burned. Any remains of the hope were tossed to the winds.
The Ra'zac rose from the ground. Instead of cloaked bird-humaniod-shaped creatures, they were dressed as mummy-zombie halloween costume hybrids. They also had bugs crawling on them.
"Brains!" declared a Ra'zac, which meant, 'Since when do we take orders from you?'
Durza ignored it. "I want you to kill the rider. Kill him and, when he's dead, bring him back alive."
"Brains? (Huh?)"
"Never question what I say! Go!"
Eragon was in Carvahall for some unknown reason. The villagers were complaining about the soldiers being in Carvahall and the condition of the Empire in general.
Brom joined them in their conversation. "But it wasn't always like this, was it? There was a time when the land flourished and there were no plot holes and the land actually looked like the map. It's all the fault of Galba-galba-galba-galba-galba-"
"Enough, before you hang by a tree!" yelled a soldier.
"Wait!" exclaimed Eragon, "Let him finish!"
The soldier looked back at Brom. He grudgingly let the storyteller go, knowing that he had just missed an opportunity to get a promotion for capturing and bringing one of the last Riders to Galbatorix.
Brom cleared his throat and resumed speaking. "- Galbatorix."
Eragon was trying to teach the dragon to fly. That's kind of weird when you think about it...Eragon doesn't know how to fly, so how can he be teaching a dragon to fly?
"Fly, fly!" The dragon flew away. Eragon waited for a moment, hoping it would come back.
"She's gone. Dammit. She left me just like my mother. It all comes down to my mother leaving me. Women hate me. Maybe I need a therapist."
There was a rumble of thunder and a lightning bolt streaked across the sky. Eragon's E-scar glowed. Then it burst on fire.
Somewhere high above, the dragon flew through radioactive clouds.
Two seconds later, it transformed into a full-grown dragon.
Apparently, the movie peoples wanted to indicate time/Saphira growing in a 'magical' way.
Time can be indicated many other ways than having a dragon fly through a radioactive cloud. This confused everybody and further enraged book fans.
Saphira, fully grown and looking like a dragon on steriods, landed with a roar next ot Eragon.
Hello, Eragon. My name is Saphira.
"But I wanted to name you Mr. Whiskers!"
My name is Saphira!
In an attempt to learn more about dragons, Eragon snuck into Brom's house. He also needed to steal some food.
"Hey Brom! I can steal from you, right? I take silence as a yes. Just rudely come in and look through your things…"
Eragon knocked over candle that burned down half of Brom's house.
In the un-burnt part of the house, there was an old book on a table. The cover depicted a odd-looking chicken-reptile creature. But mostly chicken.
"Huh. This doesn't really look like a dragon," said Eragon as he flipped through the pages. "Maybe it's a chicken. That makes sense. I bet it's an ancient cookbook of long-lost recipes instead of an ancient book of long-lost legends."
"GET OUT!"
Eragon jumped 10 feet into the air. "What did you do that for?" he asked, hanging from a rafter on the ceiling. "You scared the crap outta me!"
"Because this movie needed a surprise to make the loud person in the audience go 'EEP!' and annoy everyone else in the audience. That is the purpose of these movie scenes."
"Riiiiiiight…"
Brom surveyed his half-burnt down house then turned back to Eragon, who had just climbed down from the ceiling.
"It was the cat," quickly explained the farm boy.
"I don't have a cat."
"You do now."
"Did anyone follow you?" Brom asked suspiciously, locking the door.
"No. Does this mean you're going to answer my questions? Because usually locking a door and asking if someone's been followed indicates that something secret is about to be told."
"Hell no!" he unlocked the door and opened it, despite locking it seconds previously. "Get out!"
Eragon walked towards the door, then turned to look at Brom. "I know your stories are true."
Brom rolled his eyes. "Well duh, everyone knows about the Riders."
Eragon walked back to his house. On his way he passed the butcher's shop and heard loud noises. Curious, the farm boy went to investigate.
The zombie-Ra'zac were there, interrogating Sloan.
"Brains! (Tell us where the boy is)!"
"Gladly, I hate his guts."
" Brains? (So we don't have to torture you)?" said the Ra'zac, confused.
"That's right. I'll tell you whatever you want."
" Brains…(Hmm…)"
"Brains! Brains! (NO! We must torture you first)!" shouted Ra'zac number 2.
"Brains! (Yes! First we will torture you, THEN you will tell us where the boy is!)"
"But you don't have to- OW! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY! OW! MY SPLEEN!"
