March 1st, 2007
I stared at the computer screen, heart beating loudly. I glanced around me even though I knew Mom was at work and Seth was at school like always. I couldn't get over the feeling that someone was going to see the computer screen over my shoulder. Our family computer was tucked into a corner of the living room, but it was still facing out for the entire room to see. I had never been accustomed to doing anything on it that needed to stay private.
I had even searched how to delete the history after this. It wasn't that I was doing anything bad, just embarrassing.
The online dating website bathed me in an obnoxious spotlight as I stared at it. My face was hot in embarrassment even though there was no one around to see my shame. I wasn't sure how these things were supposed to work. But these days I was feeling a bit desperate to talk to a guy who hadn't met me before.
All the guys on the rez were either scared of me because they thought of me as a bitch or were scared of Sam if they got too close to me. It pissed me off that anyone thought Sam had a right to harm anyone I was interested in, but since my bitch persona had so many people scared off anyway, it was a waste of time to try to rectify that.
Online dating had never occurred to me. It had felt like this thing only the most desperate people tried, but I'd realized several days ago that I was one of those desperate people. I wasn't going to find anyone in La Push or Forks, and I wasn't escaping La Push anytime soon either. On little more than a whim, I had decided to try the online dating thing.
At the very least, it would be refreshing to talk with someone who didn't have a lot of preconceived notions about me.
Of course, I had waited until I had the house to myself. Seth may have been growing better at keeping things to himself in his mind, but he still slipped up far more than he should. There was no way I was letting any of the guys find out about this. Or Mom. Well, Mom would have a hey day at the thought of me finding a guy.
And would think I wasn't going to find anyone but pedophiles. Even though I wasn't a minor. She would still worry. I don't think she even knew how to use this computer. She'd resisted Dad buying it even though it had come used.
It was hard to maintain my earlier decision the deeper I got into filling out the profile. I got the idea behind wanting to be as thorough as possible. God knows I had certain conditions about who I was willing to put up with. But the more I sat there, the more I questioned why I was doing this. What if one of the guys found it? Logically, that would mean one of them were on here too, so it wasn't something they could hold over me. But maybe they got on as a joke?
Maybe it was just paranoia.
The profile had taken longer than anticipated. It was lucky I glanced at the clock right as I was finishing up. Seth was due home from school any minute, and I wasn't going to risk him walking in on me while I did this. I finished up as quickly as possible and shut the computer off. I hadn't looked at any other profiles. At this point I was unsure if I even wanted to. The embarrassment over making an account hadn't faded like I had hoped.
I should have just given up and accepted my lonely fate. It wasn't like I could have a lasting relationship with anyone on this site once they found out I turned into a giant fucking wolf. I couldn't even tell them I turned into a giant fucking wolf. It was all hopeless.
I couldn't even use dating websites like a normal person. Why had the universe done this to me?
March 18th, 2007
Two weeks later, I had checked the dating website every other weekday when Mom was at work and Seth was at school. That was the one plus side of phasing, I supposed. I wasn't expected to get another job even though I was unemployed and living off of my mom for all intents and purposes. Normally, I hated the immense amount of free time I had.
The other guys didn't have the same considering they were in school. And I had no idea what Sam did. I guess important alpha stuff that wasn't as impressive to anyone other than him.
The past several days I had amped up my time on the site to push the coming events from my mind. Today was Emily's bachelorette party, and come tomorrow, she would be married. Sam would be married. They would be married to each other. I would be a bridesmaid because I'm stupid and agreed to that shit. And I would watch them get married. To each other.
I was struggling not to hit rock bottom again, and my preferred method of coping was trudging through that godforsaken website. It was even more masochistic of me because all it did was make me feel more alone. I had yet to find a guy that interested me at all, and most of the messages I'd gotten were straight up vulgar. Right now, I thought I would delete the account as soon as the wedding was over and try to move on with my life.
For now though, I was stuck at this stupid "party." While everyone was calling it a bachelorette party, that's not what it was. It was more of a bridal shower all truth be told except it was the night before the wedding, and Emily wanted to call it a bachelorette party.
She was having it at her house, and besides me, the guests included my mom, Emily's mom, Emily's sister-in-law (i.e. Claire's mom), Kim, Rachel, and three of Emily's closest friends from the Makah Reservation. I wasn't sure if she had kept in good contact with those three or just considered it polite to invite them because of past promises or whatever. Basically, the same reason I was currently there.
Emily's insistence that it was a bachelorette party wasn't helped by the fact that Claire had almost been here until Quil insisted she could spend the night at his house instead. Watching Claire's mom accept that had been the highlight of my night. She and her husband had been told about the wolves because it was deemed necessary, but it was obvious she was still struggling to come to terms with her three-year-old daughter having a teenage boy as a soul mate.
By now we had reached the most boring part of the night. The only bachelorette party aspect of it was the alcohol, but I'd been excluded due to my age and pointed glares from my mother. Emily, underage as well, drank a little under the premise that it was her wedding tomorrow, although she wasn't drunk. Kim was underage and had all but blanched when she saw Emily drink. So, basically, that wasn't like a bachelorette party either.
My mom and aunt were the only two that drunk enough to become a bit more rambunctious than normal, but even that felt tame.
I'd all but given up on doing anything other than sitting on the couch watching everything play out. Rachel was beside me, bored out of her mind as well as we watched my mom and aunt have a light-hearted argument I had heard a million times before. Kim rounded out our little corner-sitting trio. She was intimidated by the tipsyness of the adults, even though neither one of them was all that drunk. They were having fun more than anything. Kim also got nervous around Emily's Makah friends. More nervous than she was around me, which was saying something. Maybe this would help us bond and become closer. I doubted it.
By midnight, I was making an excuse to get out of there no matter what the others thought.
"I think I'm going to go," I announced, standing up and drawing the entire room's attention. "Long day tomorrow and all that."
Emily smiled at me and nodded, standing up to tell me goodbye. My stomach sloshed around a bit, and I began chewing on the inside of my cheek.
"I should head to bed too. You're right that it's a long day tomorrow."
I nodded as she looked at me. I sighed, knowing she was waiting for me to initiate a hug. Everyone in the room expected me to go for it, and I was too exhausted to deal with being a bitch. I wrapped my arms around her for the first time in a year, kind of wanting to throw up.
Emily squeezed me tightly and looked happier when she pulled away even though she'd been plenty happy before. I definitely wanted to vomit.
"I'll go with you," Rachel announced.
I turned to shoot her a glare, knowing she had purposefully waited to speak up after I'd been forced to hug Emily.
"Um, I'll go with you guys too," Kim said hesitantly, as if waiting for us to shoot her down and refuse to walk with her.
My least favorite rule of the pack was that we protected imprints at all costs, so Kim shouldn't be surprised I would walk her the entire way home, past my own house. Unless Jared popped up out of nowhere, which wouldn't be surprising.
Rachel's and Kim's goodbyes were a lot less awkward and filled with more happiness for Emily than mine had been. Rachel and Emily's friendship had always been a bit odd since Rachel considered herself my friend first. Still, they were close, and I wasn't going to be a middle schooler and demand she pick sides. That didn't make it any less annoying to me.
Having to walk along at a human pace frustrated me. As the fastest wolf, I could have been home in no time without even phasing. Instead, I had two imprints to escort. I would have walked Rachel home anyway to rant about the party, but that was no longer an option with Kim present. I knew she'd say something to Emily.
We remained silent on our way to the Black house to drop off Rachel. It was the closest to Emily's, and the walk wasn't that long even with two humans. Once we got there, Rachel gave me a look while saying goodbye that showed she wished we could have talked. I had a feeling she'd have a lot to say to me at the wedding tomorrow. If we had time. I'd be running around doing things for Emily all day I'd imagine. A sort of strange punishment for something I must have done in a past life.
The silence became more awkward without Rachel to act as a buffer. She and Kim weren't that close, but I could tell they were getting there. On the other hand, I had not made any sort of progress with Kim at all. It was hard to do so when she ran from me whenever she could and when I held such a deep hatred for the mere idea of imprinting.
"So," she began hesitantly. She drew the word out as if testing the waters. "Are you excited for tomorrow?"
It was a stupid thing to ask, and I could tell she realized that immediately. Her cheeks darkened, visible to me even in the dark.
"Not really," I said, choosing to brush it aside.
She flinched at the sarcasm in my voice, but she was going to have to deal with it. I wasn't trying to attack the girl, but I had little else to say to that type of thing. The girl was going to have to get used to me if she was going to stick around. Lord knows how she put up with Jared.
"Do you have any friends?"
The brash question felt acceptable after hers, so I didn't feel too bad about it even when she looked down at the ground. She didn't seem upset enough that this would come back to bite me. I didn't think Jared would show up to threaten me if he found out I'd said it at least, and I considered that the threshold of acceptability in this instance.
She shrugged, showing that even she was unsure of it.
"Of course. A couple."
She said it in a tone of voice that had me thinking "a couple" meant exactly two, no more and no less.
That wasn't something to be ashamed of actually. The school was so tiny there wasn't much room in it for large friend groups, but most people were familiar with each other whether they were close or not. I had a feeling Kim didn't speak much to anyone other than those two friends. And now Emily and Jared. Unless Emily and Jared were the "couple." I hoped not. Despite what some might think, I wasn't that cruel, and I would feel bad for Kim if she had always been alone.
"Been friends with them long?"
I was trying to discretely work around the subject so she wouldn't know I suspected her of having no friends outside the pack. I wasn't sure how effective I was. Any skill with subtlety I used to possess had no doubt disappeared after hanging around the pack for the length of time I had.
Kim nodded. Speaking about these friends gave her more confidence.
"I've known them both since I was a baby. They're sisters, and our moms have always been best friends. We were basically raised together."
That might explain why she struggled so much with making friends. She latched onto those two girls and never bothered trying to make new ones.
"Sounds nice," I said.
It was such a throwaway comment that people rarely said with much fervor, but I didn't have much else to say.
Kim shrugged. "I guess so. To be honest, I don't feel like I fit with them that much anymore. We're more friends because we always have been, and Kaylah is two years younger anyway."
Seth's age then, if I was correct about Kim being in the same year of school as Jared. I would have to check with Seth to see if he knew anything about that girl. Maybe it would tell me something about Kim.
Wait. Why did I even care? I'd mostly dismissed Kim. We were not cut out to be friends. So why was I going to go snooping around trying to learn about her second-third-whatever-hand? Maybe I was more desperate for new connections than I had realized. The online dating profile had been a cry for help.
I realized Kim was looking at me with the expectation that I would continue talking.
"Growing apart happens. Look at me and Emily. She used to be my best friend and now…"
I motioned with my hands. Kim offered me a sad smile and a nod.
"I imagine it's kind of similar," she said, sounding more confident. "But also not. Like, you try to push Emily away while she tries to pull you closer. With my friends and me it's all sort of different from how it used to be. None of us betrayed the other or anything."
Something about her tone as she discussed both of our friendships made me think she realized a lot more about relationships than one would think from her shyness. I wondered how closely she monitored other people's actions. She seemed like she could be one of those people who were always watching.
"True." I was never one to back down from calling my situation worse than someone else's. "That makes you growing apart from your friends all the more normal though because God knows nothing about my life is normal."
She nodded in acceptance. I liked it. Most people with connections to the pack would have rolled their eyes or flat out scoffed at me painting my situation in a light more negative than they thought it warranted. While Kim didn't respond, I didn't get the impression she flat out disagreed either. She just accepted my view of my own personal problems.
She was doing a number on my impression of her tonight.
As we approached her house, I realized that I had never been here before. I remembered its location and appearance only because I had seen it in Jared's thoughts. I tried to remember how much of my knowledge of Kim came from those same thoughts instead of from her. I wasn't sure. My knowledge of her had all become one entity in my head with no sources, but I figured it was more of it than I had bothered to consider before.
Maybe it wasn't fair to judge someone based solely on what you know about them through a sappy, supernatural love connection that you despise. I should give the girl another chance.
One that was only partially motivated by sympathy.
"Thanks for walking home with me, Leah."
Her smile portrayed a level of comfort I had never seen her exhibit around me before. I had only seen it directed at Emily and then a different sort of version directed at Jared. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that one.
"You're welcome. It wasn't all that bad. You're not that bad to be around."
Her smile widened as her cheeks deepened again. The girl didn't need to bother with blush if she was like this all the time.
"You're not that bad either, Leah. Actually, I think you're pretty nice when it's important."
It was so close to what I constantly said to myself that my eyes might have widened at Kim's words. If she noticed, she didn't let on. She offered me one last wave and disappeared into her house.
For a "bachelorette party" I had been dreading for months, I may have gotten something positive out of it.
March 19th, 2007
It was hard to remind myself of that positivity when I woke up the next morning. Somehow, thoughts of the wedding were in my head before my brain had even processed that I was awake. I swore there was a certain feeling in the air that gave the occasion away even though nothing was happening in proximity to our house. As if I would let that happen.
The sound of Seth and Mom moving about the house hit me soon after. I rolled over groggily to look at the alarm clock I hadn't set. The wedding was this evening. For stupidly sentimental reasons over the date, Sam and Emily had insisted on getting married on a Monday, and that meant pushing the wedding until the evening so the younger guests could still go to school that day and the older ones could work.
I had no plans to get up earlier than I would have if there were nothing happening at all. It wasn't as if I planned to put much effort into my appearance. I would wear the dress Emily had picked out, but my short hair would be styled the same as always. I hadn't even pulled my makeup out since I realized it was useless when you were morphing into a giant wolf daily, and I didn't consider today an important enough occasion to try it out again.
Early afternoon light poured into my room through the curtains. I turned to lay flat on my back and take it all in. It was too nice outside. I would have been more satisfied with thunder and lightening. Because it would match my mood and not because it would ruin the wedding. Maybe.
The wedding was happening indoors anyway. Emily hadn't thought it smart to chance an outdoor wedding in March. Maybe the nice weather was the true downer for everyone else too.
I kept up my pretense that today was just any other day until two hours before the wedding when I slipped on my dress. I had been planning to walk to the site of the wedding, but Mom had shut down anything that might ruin my dress. I would've been lying if I said the same thought had crossed my own mind except with a different sort of emotion.
I could tell that Seth was excited on the way there even though he struggled to keep a neutral demeanor for my sake. I guess it was a "it's the thought that counts" moment. Mom sympathized with me more. I could tell she wasn't thrilled about the wedding either, although it didn't affect her the same way it did me. Her thoughts couldn't move past the idea that she was watching her daughter's ex-boyfriend marry her niece.
The situation at the wedding location was much calmer than I knew weddings to be. Of course, most of my knowledge came from reality TV shows. I hadn't experienced all that many weddings. Still, things were quiet. Only Emily, her mom, sister-in-law, and Kim were there when I arrived. The guys wouldn't get here until right before the wedding because they apparently had much less to do, and the guests weren't due to arrive yet.
Emily had been shoved into a back room even though there was no one here yet who wasn't allowed to see her. I got the impression upon walking in that she would freak out if she actually saw the place set up. God knows I almost did, and it wasn't my wedding.
Somehow, the idea that Sam and Emily were getting married had remained an abstract one to me up until this point. I hadn't been able to feel it as a tangible thing that would happen and that I would experience.
Now that I was, it was unleashing a whole new wave of emotions I hadn't been expecting. Fuck this entire day. I wanted to be back in bed.
Kim and Sasha, Emily's sister-in-law, were set to be the two other bridesmaids. Even though Emily and I had sworn to be each other's maids-of-honor our entire lives, Sasha would be taking over the role. I didn't want it, but the idea still stung more than I would like to admit. I felt betrayed all over again even though I knew this time it was ridiculous considering I never would have agreed.
I shouldn't have agreed to this. Hell, I should have gotten an all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas and missed out on this roller coaster all together. That's what would have happened if the universe was at all sympathetic towards me. But I was unemployed and not in school because I turned into a giant fucking wolf and lived off nothing but my mother's money, so here I was in La Push. The actually being at the wedding part might have been my fault at least as much as it was the universe's, but blaming someone else felt nicer.
As the clock ticked closer and closer to the ceremony, things began to feel more like what I had imagined. Emily's mom was the first to begin acting strange, but soon it was everyone but me. I just lounged in a chair in the corner, not even gushing over Emily's dress or makeup like anyone else.
Under different circumstances Mom would have scolded me for being unhelpful, but she ignored me, as did everyone else in the room. It wasn't like none of them knew what was going on. My aunt was aware of who it was her daughter was marrying. I wanted to bash my head into the wall over how happy my own family could look about it.
Mom and Kim were the only ones to show me even a pinch of sympathy, but I avoided their gazes. I wouldn't let myself sink further into this. My mask couldn't have any cracks or it might fall off completely.
Everyone but Emily and her father were sent out into the main area of the ceremony about five minutes before it was scheduled to start. Sam was standing towards the front with Jared, Paul, and Embry at his side.
The choice of Jared and Paul made complete sense, but I was a bit angry with Embry for agreeing. He'd been the fourth of us to phase, and sure, he was friends with Sam. I was his beta now though, yet he had agreed to be in this stupid wedding. I had also agreed to be in the bridal party, but that was an insignificant detail.
The guys left Sam to meet us in the back for the walk down the aisle. They had rehearsed this yesterday, before the bachelorette party, at the one part of this entire thing I had managed to miss. Walking down the aisle with Embry couldn't be that hard. I was at least glad it was with one of the guys who was least likely to mock me at any point in this thing.
That didn't mean I didn't glare at him when he approached me. He looked appropriately sheepish but didn't say anything as we waited for the music to start and signal our walk down the aisle. We'd lead the way after Claire as the flower girl, putting us at the fringes of the bridal party once at the front.
Claire was excited about her assigned role. She was already scooping up flowers from her basket and tossing them on the floor as fast as Quil could scoop them up and put them back in the basket. Sasha kept scolding her, but the toddler was unperturbed, not even glancing her mother's way at she giggled in amusement over Quil cleaning up after her. That girl was going to be a menace.
When the music started, Claire bolted down the aisle in excitement. Even with her speed, she was out of flowers by the time she made it halfway, and she skipped the rest of the distance while smiling at the crowd for their amusement. Her father had to pull her over to him once she had reached the front as she wanted to keep everyone's attention on her.
The distraction had been enough that I felt less nervous as Embry and I started down the aisle, but there was still the glaring problem of Sam being directly in front of me the entire walk.
I didn't glance at his face. Not wanting to seem weak by staring at the floor, I focused on a spot on the wall past where Emily would stand in less than five minutes. Sam was nothing more than a blur on the edge of my vision. I wouldn't let him become more than that. I couldn't handle making eye contact with him.
Sensing my increasing unease, Embry raised his opposite hand to rest on my own that was wrapped around his arm. I wasn't sure if it helped me emotionally, but it did help steady my stride and make me less worried I would trip in front of everyone.
We separated once we reached the front, and having no one to lean on for support made me feel like I was more likely to topple over. I planted my feet firmly in place as soon as I reached my spot, determined not to so much as wobble.
Kim and Jared were walking down the aisle, turning everyone's attention away from me, thankfully. I watched them long enough to see that Kim looked like she was about to vomit. At least that would make me look unaffected in comparison. Or I hoped I hadn't looked so sickly. If anything, I had looked close to punching someone in the face. According to others, that was my default expression.
By the time the ceremony started, I had found an interesting spot on the wall and saw little reason to watch anything else. My lack of attention was no doubt obvious to everyone in the crowd, but they were all so concerned with the happy couple that I doubted anyone noticed.
I'd managed to distance myself from reality enough that I was surprised to realize the ceremony had ended. I came back to reality in time to see Sam and Emily traipsing down the aisle to loud applause. I clapped my hands together half-heartedly a few times out of politeness but didn't give it much effort. It wasn't like anyone was looking my way anyway.
Except Embry was.
I had forgotten we had to walk back down the aisle until I realized he was watching me from the spot we were meant to meet. The rest of the party already having disappeared. Looking around, I saw that more than a few people had noticed, and I could only hope my face wasn't turning a shade darker.
It was difficult to tell when you were blushing when your temperature already ran so high.
I hurried to take Embry's arm again, and we made it down the aisle much faster than we had the first time.
The new husband and wife were greeting guests near the end of the aisle, but I was quick to steer in the opposite direction, not realizing I still had a grip on Embry until he was already coming with me. In an act of pure spontaneity, I didn't let go. Instead, I pulled Embry around the fringes of the crowd and out the back door into the much quieter back of the place.
For the first time in hours, or possibly all day, I felt like I could breathe again. I leaned back against the building, feeling the jagged edges of the brick dig into the delicate fabric of the dress and not caring in the slightest. It took a few moments for me to remember to drop Embry's arm, but as soon as I did, he mimicked my position of leaning against the wall. He didn't voice any sort of complaint that I had dragged him out here by force.
I took a few more calming breaths before I could speak.
"So, that happened."
Embry hummed in agreement. I feared I would see a sympathetic or worried gaze if I were to glance over at him, so I stared out at the surrounding trees instead. For once, I just wanted to phase. Usually I despised being in wolf form, but for the first time, I knew what Jake was onto when he ran away all those months ago. I could do with disappearing and surviving on my own for months. It would be a great way to just forget it all, but it wouldn't solve anything.
The noise from the other side of the building got louder as we stood there with more people filtering out the main door.
"It's strange, isn't it?"
I looked over at Embry questioningly, but he had tilted his head towards the ground as he talked.
"Imprinting," he elaborated.
I shrugged even though he wasn't watching me and began chewing on the inside of my cheek.
"I don't allow myself to think of it that often to be honest."
"You don't let yourself, sure, but you have to think about it quite a bit. Whether you want to or not. I do."
He said it in a way that suggested this was the first time he'd admitted it out loud. I didn't get why I would be the one he'd choose to share an apparent weakness with.
I just shrugged again, not knowing how to respond.
"More than I'd like, obviously," I said.
It was quiet for a few more moments before I couldn't control my curiosity.
"But why does it bother you?"
Embry sighed.
"We're the oldest two without an imprint. You have to have realized. The younger wolves shouldn't have imprints. They're too young-"
"Claire," I interrupted.
"Different," Embry countered quickly enough to show he had been expecting the argument. "Quil would have gone off and married someone else by the time she had grown up. That's why it makes sense for him to imprint on her now and it just be platonic until she's older.
"If the younger wolves imprinted on some girl now they'd screw it up. Let's face it. They have no idea how to interact with girls. I know for a fact Moses is still figuring out how to jack off. You've seen-"
I reached up hastily to cover his mouth with my hand.
"Yes, and we're not reliving it."
"The point is," he continued as if my interruption hadn't happened. "It makes sense for none of the younger wolves to have imprinted, but the two of us are the only ones older than fifteen who haven't."
"It's supposed to be rare," I pointed out. I wished I could keep the bitterness out of my voice but I couldn't. "Besides, I'm the only female wolf. We don't even know if I can imprint."
The look on Embry's face told me he'd been thinking a lot about my specific situation. I kind of wanted to punch him in the face.
"I think you can," he said while staring into the distance. "Your period only stopped because you're not aging for the moment. It should come again once you stop phasing. Even if imprinting is only about babies, which I don't buy, you should be able to have one."
"Okay," I stopped him, voice shaking. I couldn't deal with this conversation on today of all days. "Can we just go to the reception now and get it over with? Then I can go home and drown myself in the five boxes of chocolate I bought for my own personal celebration."
Embry offered me a comforting smile. Usually I would have scoffed at pathetic attempts at comfort, but this time I found myself smiling back as he nodded at me to lead the way back into the craziness.
