Kate gripped Castle's hand, holding so tightly that his palm began losing pigment. As they trudged along, making their way closer to Johanna Beckett's grave, Kate released Castle's hand. Her knees fell to the ground as her entire body crumbled. Hands covered her face as Kate whispered,
"I can't."
Castle inched forward, appearing as if he wanted to pull her to him and make it all go away. Instead he stood, watching her, as if he realized that he couldn't make this decision for her. Kate felt as if her entire body was betraying her. Feeling as if her sweater was cutting off her circulation, she yanked at the collar. Breathing deeply, the searing in her chest felt like a bullet, an emotional pain that could have rivaled the pain of the bullet she took five years ago.
If she truly let this quest go, what was she? If she was honest with herself about Johanna Beckett, wasn't she betraying her mother? The woman who had loved her and championed her deserved to be cherished, not yelled at.
That moment images began playing out in Kate's mind. It was as if a recurring dream that had long been forgotten in the fog of her childhood reappeared. Her mother; coming home late and working until dawn, barely moving from her desk at home to say goodbye to Kate as she left for school. Her third grade play, where she had worked hard and won the envied role of the butterfly. Johanna Beckett missed that play even though she had promised to be there. Instead, when Kate looked eagerly into the crowd, her smile vanished as she saw her father sitting alone, an empty seat occupying him. When she asked where her mother was, her father told her through a tight smile that her mother got caught up at work.
Kate didn't understand the things of adulthood at the young age of eight. She only knew that her mother hadn't been there for her. She missed some of the most important moments in her life. The stories began to come together her mind as she remembered what her father had said about that year. This was the season where Johanna was digging herself deep into her addiction, forsaking all others, even her own flesh and blood.
That moment Kate lifted her head and walked towards the gravestone. She would NOT be her mother. Her children would spend their lives knowing that they had a champion through and through. She would not leave them alone to be raised only by Castle, wondering why their mother thought anything was more important than them.
As Kate lifted her head and stood up, she brushed off her jeans and met Castle's eyes. As she took in this amazing, wonderful forgiving man that she had been blessed with; she grabbed his hand and observed her mother's grave.
"Mom," Kate began. "I love you and always will. But I understand that you are flawed and let an addiction take you away from us. I am also so angry with you for how you chose anything over dad and I. How could you do that, mom? How could anything be more important than your daughter and the love of your life?" As Kate continued speaking, tears began to fall. Castle loosened their hands and put his arms around her shoulders, supporting her in case her knees buckled.
"Why, mom? Why didn't you love me enough? Why wasn't I enough for you?"
Kate's shoulders trembled as her hand reached out for Johanna's name, written across the stone. Johanna Beckett was the name that had been her legacy, the one that Kate had been fighting for her entire life. Kate turned around to see Castle's face, broken over all that they had lost. Kate had done the same thing, chosen a case over him again and again.
This ended now. She was ready to leave the past where it belonged and move towards a future with the man she loves. In order to do that, she needed to make a big change, something that would allow her to begin anew.
"Castle," Kate began, eyes flitting up towards her husband.
"Yes," Castle answered, pain filling his features, a note of question in them.
" I want to legally change my last name."
