Chapter Three
"Harry sweetheart?" mum said worriedly.
I just continued to stare out of the window; I couldn't stop thinking about last night.
"Just leave him Emily, probably still brooding over that Sarah girl." dad laughed into his coffee. I swear that he is the only one that laughs at his jokes. I simply scowl at him and go back to my deep study of the rain.
"Oh, don't wind him up Thomas!" she huffed.
"Although, she was a lovely girl. So pretty as well." Oh here we go again, here comes a lecture on how I push everyone away.
"Oh Harry why must you be so defensive? I know that you are a very emotional boy, you just need to..." mum started.
"Leave the boy Emily, he doesn't need to be emotional, where is that going to get him in life? You'll only end up making the boy a bloody queer!"
"Thomas! Not at the table!" mum tutted, hurriedly tidying away the dinner plates.
"Not anywhere, I say..." dad trailed off behind the sports section of his newspaper.
Dad hates queers. Unnatural retches. That's what he calls them. I don't really have an opinion to be honest, never really had to think about it.
Truth is though, I do push everyone away.
I don't know why I do it...maybe because I feel so different. I feel like I have some big secret, I just don't know what it is yet.
It's like each day, I come a little bit closer to finding out what that secret is. I don't even know what parts are clues, and what is just there to confuse me.
I'm pretty sure that yesterday was a clue.
"Harry? Honey could you answer the door please?"
I need more time to think, more time just to figure out what is going on.
Ding dong.
I wonder if dad meant what he said. I can't see my mother as the cheating type, so who's son am I?
"Hello Harry." that smooth wispy voice, and snowy white skin.
Sarah.
"Erm, hi." I say rubbing the back of my head awkwardly.
"I think that we need to talk." she said, in almost a whisper.
I don't want to talk, but I do want to do something else.
"Do you want to go for a walk Sarah?" I said with a charming smile.
That always got her when we were going out. She would always do this little routine;
A worried look in her pretty green eyes, almost pitying. Then she tucks her hair behind her ears, while looking away. Then in 1, 2, 3,
"Alright." her gaze is back to me.
I know that she cares about me; I just don't treat her like she deserves. That's why she left.
So why is she back?
So, she talks for about twenty minutes about her feelings. The crisp winter air nips at my cheeks. I hope she finishes soon; I'm not a heartless person. I just can't stand hearing the same stuff all the time. Then;
"Harry, why are you doing this to yourself?"
I look up at her concerned face, having absolutely no clue what she is talking about.
"Doing what?"
"There is clearly something on your mind. You just never talk, never say anything." she sighed.
"There is always something Harry, if you would just open up then we could..."
I can't stand this, not again. I turn to her, mid sentence, and kiss her passionately.
She leans into the kiss, maybe she thinks this is me 'opening up'.
I'm not.
I just need to feel something.
I've never touched her before, maybe out of respect, but if I'm honest...the thought never bothered me. My mind is always so busy.
We are at the edge of the forest, and I push her up against a tree.
She moans and I feel... well not much really.
Should I even be doing this? It feels like I'm using her.
She pulls away for a moment.
"I...love you Harry."
STOP, my mind says.
STOP NOW.
"I love you too." Why? Why did I say that?
The look on her face, it was like I had declared my lo...oh crap.
I can't continue with this.
"Sorry Sarah, I have to go ... now." I say hastily.
"Wait Harry, what about..."
I am not sticking around to hear the rest of that sentence. I run into the forest. It is getting dark, but I'd rather risk it frankly. I have no idea where I'm going. I'll just keep running. Maybe I'll stop thinking, maybe I'll forget about ... everything.
Perhaps I'll even close my eyes, just for a second.
It feels so free. Brilliant. And then, BANG.
As I hit the ground, everything starts to go black.
"Draco this just will not do!" my father barked. It is becoming so tiring now.
"The Dark Lord is far from pleased with your performance of late. He says that you have no real passion for our cause, that your cruciatus is beyond sloppy." he does not understand that I have no real passion for anything anymore.
"This is not what I expect from my boy, not at all." he sighed. Oh I do love a good disappointed sigh after dinner, really tops off the meal I think.
Mother just looks placid, she normally does now. Things have supposed to have gotten better for us, the Dark Lord is rising, we now have control of Hogwarts, and Dumbledore is dead.
So why are we all so miserable?
I should be happy, but what I'm feeling is so far from that.
I live in a mansion for goodness sakes, and I'm on the winning side.
Mother is even talking about marriage!
I don't want that, I mean of course I need to keep up the Malfoy name, but dedicating my life to making another happy?
No thank you.
I'll take eternal solitude and be content with it.
"Draco darling? May I have a word after dessert?" of course mother, like wallowing in self pity doesn't consume all of my spare time.
I nod curtly. I've been doing a lot of nodding lately, the easiest path to self expression I think. Easier than telling anyone how terribly alone I feel anyway.
So after dessert I rise from the table with the grace that I always seem to muster, and leave the plates for the house elves. Although, I think that at this point of the evening I would rather help them. Do not get me wrong, not for any unselfish reasons of gratitude or pity, more the reason that I was dreading the expected chat with mother.
Why? Well because I already know what it shall be about. Mother will have a hopeful look in her otherwise hopeless eyes, as she propositions me once more regarding a marriage that is "certain to make me happy" - her words, not my own I can assure you, and of course I will stand there completely uninterested in the mere prospect of getting married to some stuck up, pure blood princess. A sadistic view, and quite hypocritical coming from one as spoilt as myself you may think. I agree, but that is exactly why I disapprove, people like me - we tend to despise those like us, at least that is my view. I have no intention of waking up every morning for the rest of my life, to a mirror. Especially considering that the reflection is something I cannot say that I am entirely proud of anyway.
I am proud of the physical reflection of course, who wouldn't be? Golden locks and deep grey eyes, with a sculpted face of deceiving purity. Yes, vanity is a strong trait of mine, however - it is the mentality of the reflection that I have grown to be ashamed of. Over the years I have spent an awful lot of time considering my lifestyle and the actions that come with it, they have displeased me of late.
Strangely enough my mind wandered, back to the muggle whose life I had saved just last night. Those words that he had said about me - "Brutal killer" - why was I so affected by them? Was it something that I should take as an insult or as praise for my skill? The latter would be more appropriate coming from a fellow death eater, or even the Dark Lord himself...but, this boy, he made it really hurt somehow. Like what I, what we were all doing, the ideals and 'cleansing' that our side have been set on for years, they were wrong. Surely something so engrained into my mind was not wrong?
No, that is a ridiculous thought, I had heard of brainwashing before had I not? Then the idea is indeed plausible. I just cannot believe that the people that have surrounded me my whole life ... are evil. Right and wrong have never been more scattered in these dark times it seems. This is useless pondering, no matter what I think I am stuck where I am now. The real question is...why on earth do I care just because one muggle said something against these values?
There was something about him that made me almost...question, everything.
I need a walk, I really need a walk. Mother is expecting me in the library now, as usual, but this time I shan't be there. I grab my robe from my room and head out of the mansion.
Funny, it's ten minutes since I left and I seem to be heading in the direction of those woods from yesterday night. The muggle still in mind, how silly of someone like me to think on a muggle so much. He did say that he would see me again...why would he have said that? Was it a threat? Ha! A threat from a muggle, how stupid. That's all he is, an ordinary muggle, and I have more important things to worry about. So why won't that meaningless event leave my head?
Merlin its cold out tonight and it's getting dark...should I risk using lumos? It is late, and no one seems to be around, perhaps I should take my chances. Ah, well at least now I can see, and what the hell is that? A body? Probably that drunk from last night...I'll just take a look. It can't be...it is! It's the muggle boy. I check his pulse; ok it's steady, what on earth happened to him? I reach down to wipe the hair from his eyes, there was a fair amount of blood coming from his head, I think I can guess what happened. Stupid muggle ran into a tree. I smirk, and turn to leave...something stops me. What am I doing? Mother will be worried, and we have to leave for Knocturn alley early in the morning. He is just a muggle after all. Why save one and kill another?
This one can't be different...can he?
He seems to be stirring, I bend down to get a closer look, and his eyes snap open.
"What the fuck?" he seemed shocked at his own stupidity.
He touched his head, and felt the blood, instead of showing any sign of alarm he simply sighed. I sniggered, idiotic things must happen often to this boy.
He slowly sat up and leaned against the tree, not taking his eyes off of me.
Suddenly he smiled, how odd.
"What is it?" I looked genuinely perplexed, he had blood trickling from his head and was surely dizzy and in pain...yet he was smiling, at me? After a long pause he said;
"I told you that I'd see you again."
My mouth dropped, he's wounded and in pain and doesn't seem to care? Only acknowledging the fact that I am present.
"You must have hit your head rather hard, or have you not noticed that you're bleeding?"
He chuckled,
"I noticed, it was just a nice surprise to wake up and realise that the little goal I'd set myself had come straight to me. That's the easiest task I've ever had."
Task? Did he really want to find me that much? Was he running to look for me? I can't let this muggle know that he's affected me.
I sneer,
"I assume that you ran into a tree searching however?" I said mockingly.
"Not at all, I was running away from...something." his smile faded.
I know that look all too well,
"I suppose we all have something to hide from." I said more to myself.
"...Yeah, anyway...like I said, I told you we'd meet again." he announced with a grin, he seemed almost smug.
"Well, through no fault of yours, so I can safely say that no task has been carried out here." that should shut him up.
His head tilted as if in question,
"..Not true, I may not have found you myself, but the goal was to see you...and guess what smartass? You're standing right in front of me." another smug grin.
Why the stubborn, aggravating ... uh! Sometimes I wish that muggles knew their rightful place in this world, beneath me!
"Maybe that head wound is causing some form of hallucination." I cross my arms and turn away in annoyance.
"Ha! You hate losing don't you?"
"I could say the exact same for you."
We stare at each other for a moment, a sort of... rivalry indicated,
Rivalry? With a muggle? How absurd!
"...shit, I wish I had a plaster, or a bandage...or something." he cursed, holding the wound on his head.
A what? I suppose these objects are used in some sort of healing process for these people...I probably shouldn't let him know that I'm clueless when it comes to muggle medicine. So instead I just nod.
Nodding? The smarmy git! He doesn't bother offering help though, after all the time I wasted thinking about him...well no, not HIM just the event surrounding him...that makes far more sense.
"Well thanks for the help." I say with plenty of sarcasm.
He's eyes widen as if shocked,
"There is hardly anything that I can do! Besides it's your own stupidity that got you into this mess, so deal with it yourself." he turned to walk away.
God he's such an arsehole, I've never met anyone like him before.
I stand up to follow him, maybe a little too quickly...I feel faint, dizzy...
Insolent pathetic little...
THUD,
What on earth? I turn to see that dimwit sprawled across the ground, probably attempting to follow me...the idiot.
It seems that he is once again unconscious, if this is what all muggles are like then I pity their race.
I have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach...like I don't want to leave him there...well, he is unconscious...I could cast a quick healing charm without him even noticing, then I'll be on my way.
This is ridiculous! His life is meaningless...right?
So then; why am I kneeling down beside him uttering the words to heal his wound?
Ok, it's done.
Now I'm definitely leaving.
