Disclaimer: The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine.
Plum in Pampers 03By, Elissahara30
My life has officially turned into a circus. After coming back to awareness, I walked out of the Bonds Office in a stupor. I'm glad Lula and Connie didn't stop me. Melvin seemed to scared to come out from under Connie's desk until I was out of the door. I opened the door to my mini and sat behind the wheel. I slid the key into the ignition and paused.
"My life is shit," I grumbled as I started banging my head against the steering wheel. I so desperately needed a cake, a great big whopping cake with lots of frosting.
I started the car and headed toward the Tasty Pastry, my mind a million miles away. I pulled into the parking lot and went into the bakery toward the cake display, as I was standing there two women came toward me. They stopped a short distance from me and started whispering to each other. I started to feel uncomfortable and shifted from one foot to the other, waiting for the counter person to help me.
One of the women a short brunette with long hair and round cheeks cleared her throat and tapped me on the shoulder, "Are you Stephanie Plum?"
I looked at the woman warily and said, "Yes."
She broke into a relieved smile, "I thought that it was you, but I wanted to be sure. My names Margaret and this is my partner Janelle." Margaret indicated the taller woman beside her who had short cropped blond hair and strong facial features, "And I must say you have empowered us with your independence." Margaret stated proudly.
I looked at the two women before me in confusion; I really had no idea what they were talking about, "I don't understand."
Janelle smiled broadly at me and put her arms around Margaret in a loving embrace, "You've given us the courage to contact the clinic for ourselves," Janelle kissed the side of Margaret's head and turned her eyes back to me, "You're paving the way for independent women every where. That we don't have to have a man in our lives to be parents and its nothing to be ashamed of, we just wanted to thank you."
To say I was stunned was an understatement, "Umm . . . umm . . . okay. . . . Uh, you're welcome." I stammered nervously and then I said a hasty goodbye and make my retreat from the bakery.
I drove around in a daze, great now I was the poster girl for independent women in Trenton New Jersey, just what I needed. What the hell am I going to do now? I started toward my apartment when I noticed it swarmed over with reporters and camera crews. One of them spotted and started running in my direction, I threw the car in drive and drove away as fast as I could as the throng of people tried to catch up with my car.
Why me, Lord! I needed a place to go but there was no way I was going to go to Joe's I didn't want to face him right now, and I didn't want to have to explain anything to Ranger. Mary Lou would pepper me with questions I wasn't ready to answer and that left only one option, my parents.
Maybe I should just leave the country until this all dies down. It would be easier facing a firing squad than facing my mother, but there was no point in prolonging the agony. Sooner or later I had to face her, and right now I had no where else to hide. I drove through the Burg imagining everyone peeking out of their windows looking at me, talking about what I had done now. Maybe my mother had tippled enough that she'd be in a really good mood when I got there.
As I pulled in front of my parents' house I felt the cloud of doom descend upon me, my mother and grandmother where standing on the front porch waiting for me. I opened my car door and approached the front stoop like one would when they were heading to the gallows. My mother's arms were crossed and her face dark and unreadable, and I felt like a child again when I had done something foolish. My grandmother who was wear fuchsia jumpsuit and white high tops was smiling at me, like I had won the lottery.
We entered the house quietly and my mother refused to look at me. She just went to her ironing board with out speaking to me; right next to her laundry was an opened bottle of Jonny Walker. Geez, she wasn't even trying to hide it.
"So, Stephanie what was it like? Do they parade a bunch of men in front of you to choose from? Do they have a catalog to look through, do they have test models." Grandma Mazur fired at me.
"No, I just went to talk about the option, I hadn't decided on anything," I turned to my mother, "I mean it, I was just wanted information you know in case I really wanted that option."
My mother slammed her iron down and looked at me, "What's wrong with you and Joseph, you two are practically married."
I sighed heavily, "Mom, I'm not sure I want to get married."
My mother's eyes got large and her face started to turn red, and I braced myself for the mother of all guilt trips. And here I was without my sun screen, crap. It was at that moment that the front door bell rang.
"I'll get it," I called as I ran for the front door. I threw open the door and almost fell backwards in shock. In front of my parent's house was a man wearing a bright red wig, a fake red beard, white pressed shirt and a red and black skirt. If I dared to look closely I could see the sticky glue holding on the beard.
"I'm lookin' for a lassie named Stephanie Plum," he said in a fake Scottish accent, my last name coming out sounding like plume. I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him it was me or not.
"Well aren't you something," says my grandmother from behind me, "He's all dressed up and wearing a skirt too."
"It's a kilt," he says roughly. "Now which of you lassie's is Stephanie Plum?"
"Isn't this a pip, Stephanie he's here for you." Grandma Mazur says cheerfully.
I smile sheepishly to the strange man and said, "Uh, yeah I'm Stephanie."
He nodded his head at me and then pulls out a small harmonizer and blows a tune, then clearing his throat he begins to sing:
There once was a lady named Plum
Who decided that having a baby would be fun
Grandma Mazur interrupted his song, "I've always heard you didn't wear tightly whities under those skirts."
The man cleared his throat and continued on with this song:
The paper went wild
And all the men filed
And now she needs to decide which one.
Once again my grandmother interrupts the Scottish guy, "If you don't wear any underwear what do you do when you get a stiffy? I mean wouldn't it just get in the way of walking?"
He shoots Grandma Mazur a dark frown and continues on with the limerick:
There was a lady named Plum
Who got a bag with a bottle of Sperm
In hopes of a Baby in nine months term,
Wishing all the happiness to come.
Grandma Mazur swished her dentures in her mouth and said, "Well if you're not going to tell me I'll just have to look for myself," she reaches out to pull the man skirt up and he screams throwing a bag to me and falls back unto the sidewalk porch, his skirt flying up showing his boxer, brief underwear. He scoots back fast and then runs to his car and drives away.
"MOTHER!" screams my mom and she stalks to the front to the house and pulls grandma back away from the door.
"Why are you so upset Ellen, its not like he wasn't wearing any underwear." Grandma groused back.
I stood in shock at the bag in my hand, really not wanting to open it, I walked back into the kitchen where my Dad was ignoring us while reading the paper. I dropped the bag down unto the table and went and to wash my hands.
Grandma Mazur opened the bag and looked in, "Well look here Stephanie; you got your first donation!"
"Jesus Christ," my father mumbled as my mother took a swig of Jack Walker and then crossed herself.
"I wonder if they need help at that clinic, my hands are still pretty nibble." Grandma looked at me earnestly, as she wiggled her fingers, "see no arthritis."
I went to my parents' refrigerator and opened it up and took the left over chocolate cake out and started eating it. Could this thing get any worse?
TBC . . .
A/N: Feather you are my guru for coming up with the most wicked ways in which Grandma Mazur and scare people. Thank you for the Scottish Guy and the Skirt lift lol!
