The Place where I belong
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or Stargate SG-1 or Star Wars!
Chapter 3: The price I paid for my freedom - Part 1
Hajime walked toward the cafeteria hoping to find something decent for breakfast. His replacement's wife had gone into labor last night and Hajime volunteered to cover the man's day shift with the defensive teams. It meant he would remain in the mountain for twelve more hours possibly even more if Capt Thedford's wife was still in the hospital.
'Nothing I haven't done before!' he mused unconcerned 'I might get a chance to talk to Dr. Takagi while I'm here at any rate,' but that last thought brought him to a halt. He couldn't for the life him figure out why he was thinking or worrying about her so much! He had never spent much time before thinking about any one person. He prided himself in always being focused on the task at hand no matter what kind of outside pressures were exuded on him.
'Now all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about this woman! What's wrong with me?' he chided himself as he continued on his way to the cafeteria. In fact even when he had been married thoughts of his wife had never distracted him during work hours. Not even worries about his mother would enter his mind while on duty and there was no one more important to him than his mother.
'So why is this woman invading my mind so often?' he wondered seriously concerned. He entered the cafeteria and spotted Col. O'Neill and Teal'c in line to get their breakfast. They waved him over as he picked up his own tray and grabbed his breakfast. He greeted them informally as he sat down with them.
"So Teal'c what did you think about Dr. Takagi? Carter said she seemed her normal self this morning," Col. O'Neill asked in between bites. Hajime listened quietly as he ate again finding himself a little too interested in Dr. Takagi's welfare.
"I am certain O'Neill that she is indeed hiding her true feelings on the matter," Teal'c intoned solemnly. Col. O'Neill frowned in concern.
"Well she's doing a hell of a job of it too!" he pointed a concerned frown on his face as he picked up his glass of OJ and drained it. Hajime hurried to finish his meal. He was worried not only for her repressed emotional state but for the fact that he was too worried about her more than he was allowed to in fact.
"You were the one who thought of it first captain. Why don't you go talk to her and make sure she's ok?" Col. O'Neill suggested turning to Hajime now. His tone implied he might make it an order if Hajime refused so he just shrugged.
"I'll try but Dr. Takagi is a very good doctor after all and I'm sure she understands the dangers if she keeps it bottled up. She seems like a practical person to me," he replied in a matter of fact tone hoping to stamp out any note of concern from his voice.
"The old: "Doctor! Heal thy self!" proverb might not apply with overly proud stubborn people! Go talk to her anyway," Col. O'Neill pointed out sagely. Hajime frowned.
"She doesn't strike me as the type," he responded slightly incredulous but as he thought of it how else Dr. Takagi could have survived all the things she went through if she wasn't exceedingly proud and/or stubborn!
"Appearances can be deceiving!" Col. O'Neill pointed out his tone let Hajime know that perhaps the colonel knew more about Dr. Takagi than he was letting on. Hajime shrugged again seemingly unconcerned though now he felt a greater sense of urgency to talk to the doctor.
"Alright I'll talk to her later," Hajime replied easily. He finished his breakfast quickly and quietly as Col. O'Neill switched the subject slightly to explaining to Teal'c what Victoria's Secret was and why it was a big deal to the women on base that Dr. Takagi was a former model of said company. He excused himself soon enough rather than get roped into that conversation.
'Bad enough that I'm spending too much time thinking of her as it is!' he reproached himself. The last thing he wanted to add to his mind was images of the good doctor in her skivvies! He shook the thought away and concentrated on his work. He would stop by around lunch and speak to her as he had told Col. O'Neill he would than that would be the end of that…
Tokio massaged her temples as a throbbing headache pounded away at her brain. She searched and searched and all that she could come up with was same thing over and over: "Talk to someone!" that was the advice that every website and every article seemed to give no matter where she went. Her heart wanted to get in her car and drive to Ms. Stillwater's house as she had done so many times while she went to school in California.
'Even if she wasn't there just being there at her house made me feel better!' she sighed but she couldn't tell either Ms. Stillwater or her good friend Aoshi Shinomori – Ms. Stillwater's top apprentice – what was happening to her because it was classified! And if she told anyone here they might think she was too weak to handle the job and reassign her. Defeat was not something she could handle very well! Her foster brother had defeated her and made her flee to California and the safety of an out of state college and she swore after that she would never run from anyone or anything again!
She looked at the clock and it was noon. She looked around the infirmary most of the staff had gone to lunch but she was not interested in going to the cafeteria. She had packed her lunch today along with bringing her copy of Star Wars: A New Hope and decided she would watch that and eat her lunch here in the office. Her pasta salad required no heating and there was a TV with a VCR and a DVD player in the infirmary so she wouldn't need to leave if she didn't want to.
She allowed herself to relax and the throbbing headache diminished quickly as the familiar fanfare played. She knew every scene by heart and could recite every line. It was her escape! When things got rough and there was no way for her to feel better the simplicity and charm of that movie as well as the good memories that were associated with watching it pulled her away for a brief 1 and ½ hour respite. She laughed as Luke Skywalker mope about not being able to go to the academy.
"I'm too old for this!" she sighed heavily feeling frustrated that her beloved research had failed her. She felt bad having to resort to this old childhood trick but she had hit a wall and could think of nothing else.
"Oh I don't think so! You're never too old for Star Wars!" said a gruff familiar voice that never failed to make Tokio's heart race!
"Again Capt. Davila you catch me by surprise!" she laughed he just smirked and his eyes stayed on the screen as he walked into the office took a chair and sat down across from her on the other side of the desk.
"Don't tell me you're fan?" she asked surprised. He smiled again in that heart stopping way that always got to her.
"Ok I won't! I won't tell you about my full suit of authentic storm trooper armor on display in my mother's house in California either!" he teased.
"Really!? How did you get it?" she asked unable to contain her excitement. Tokio could count herself as one of the biggest and geekiest fans out there! Most people found it hard to believe. Her real father and she had been die-hard fans when she was small and it was her way of staying close to him.
"Lucasfilm showed up in Pendleton asking for some volunteer storm troopers for the special edition remakes a few years ago," he explained smirking in amusement.
"Even if I hadn't been a fan my mother would've disowned me if I hadn't done it! She's a huge fan!" he added and chuckled lightly. Tokio smiled it wasn't common for the men she'd known to ever mention their mothers in any conversation with her. She liked the fact that this was the second time he talked to her and already he was talking about his family.
"My daddy was a huge fan too! We used to put models together with my little brother and sister on the weekends!" she added smiling wistfully. He was still watching the TV as she looked at him when a darker and more cynical thought occurred to her. Up until a few days ago he could barely stand to say two words to her so why all of a sudden was he interested in talking to her. The day before yesterday he had talked to her because he needed something but today he was in here without any medical reason. Again disappointment threatened to overwhelm her but she had sworn never to run again.
"So did Mr. Teal'c send you or was it Col. O'Neill?" she asked suddenly unable to keep a touch of bitterness from her tone. He frowned as he turned back away from the TV to look at her.
"Col. O'Neill sent me," he replied solemnly. She nodded grateful at least that he was honest with her.
"I am fine please let Col. O'Neill and the others know but I guess I should've explained it to Capt Carter when she came in this morning," she replied softly.
"I understand why they're worried after all I've never been in any sort of battlefield that they know of before but let me ask you this: have you ever been in an ER in downtown LA on a Saturday night? The things I saw come in there leave my first off world trip pale in comparison!" she explained unable to stop herself from sounding defensive. She suddenly felt angry. She went to the military partially because she was searching for a place where she wouldn't have to constantly defend herself but nothing had changed it was the same old story.
"I'm sorry if I suddenly seem rude but I've spent too many years being constantly judged by how I look or how I act. I'm also not going to change who I am just so that people don't treat me like a little doll that can break at the slightest jostle! Sir!" she declared proudly barely remembering to add the formality at the end since he was after all a higher rank than her. With her hands laid carefully on her desk she resisted the urge to swallow nervously and prepared herself for any verbal reprimand he would definitely be entitled to for her tone but to her surprise Capt. Davila just smirked.
"Well I guess that settles it then! Next time I'll tell Col. O'Neill to come get his own dress down himself!" Capt. Davila replied smirking in amusement.
"But just so you know I told him that I think you can take care of yourself," added serious. That last bit surprised her and she smiled sadly.
"Thank you! I apologize if I sounded harsh! It was not my intent to do so!" she replied solemnly 'I don't need anyone! Especially if they think I'm weak!' she told herself firmly. He got up still smirking and shrugged casually.
"Alright! Have a nice day doctor!!" he said amicably and walked out without waiting for a reply. Tokio watched him leave feeling more than a little sad. Every time she met a guy that looked like he could be a nice guy she immediately realized that he would not stick around long enough to realize she was a nice girl.
'Oh well he's a higher rank than me! Can't go there anyway story of my life!' she thought and turned back to the TV to watch Han Solo negotiate with Obi-Wan Kenobi the price of the passage to Alderaan trying hard not to feel lonely though she realized as Han bartered on the screen that the guilt that was consuming her earlier along with the pounding headache had diminished considerably.
'Well I did sort of talk…I got a few things off my chest that bugged me for years!' she thought thinking of all the times her looks had prevented her from getting some coveted spot on a study because people wouldn't take her seriously. She thought of all the times she received an award only to be accused of sleeping with a professor to get it! Then having to work ten times harder than anyone else just to prove she really earned it.
'I don't need anyone to prove myself worthy of this spot!' she declared to herself proudly! She spent her college years alone. She had no friends in all that time other than Ms. Stillwater and Aoshi and she never went to parties or out on dates. She'd never even had a boyfriend because she was too worried about all the extra work she had to do and social activities took up precious time that she needed to do her work. Even her modeling co-workers had been nothing more than casual acquaintances whom Tokio knew very little of. She took a deep breath
'I'll be just fine…' she thought as the phone rang. The familiar siren blared but she did not feel afraid. She still felt a little guilty about killing those men but it was not a crippling feeling any more. She understood that her feelings were because of the fact she was a doctor and her oath had trained her mind differently from other people.
'Loneliness was the price I paid for my freedom! I'll take that over fear and pain any day of the week!' She turned off the TV and went to her work feeling refreshed and ready for anything…
'Ok that went well!' Hajime nearly growled in anger. His anger though was not directed at the doctor but at himself! Again he had underestimated her and received a resounding and well deserved defeat for it!
'Moron!' he chastised himself. He should've known she wouldn't be stupid enough to keep something potentially dangerous bottled up! She just did not want to be seen as weak by the people she respected. He certainly could identify with that! The whole thing made him feel like a first class jerk because again he had treated her like a fragile princess playing soldier!
'Damn it!' he cursed angrily. He spotted Col. O'Neill with Teal'c and Dr. Jackson and decided right then that he wasn't going down alone! He greeted the colonel gravely and the usually easy going expression disappeared from Col. O'Neill's face as Hajime recounted what happened. Teal'c nodded in understanding and Hajime suspected a touch of sympathy for him.
"Sounds like you really took one for the team!" Col. O'Neill replied in his usual cynical smart ass way hoping to avoid any further involvement in the situation. Hajime barely resisted the urge to hit him! Daniel shook his head in disapproval.
"Jack…" Dr. Jackson began but Col. O'Neill was spared Daniel's lecture just then by the familiar alarm. The announcement came over the speakers for the defense teams to get ready because SG6 was coming in hot! Hajime barely managed to excuse himself as he ran towards the gate room. Abrams had his armored vest and weapon ready as the other men passed out the rifles and rushed into the gate room.
He called out to the teams to get into position and he prepared himself at the bottom of the ramp as the iris opened and soft blue light flooded the room. The door on the opposite side of the gate room opened and the medical team rushed in with their stretcher ready. Once more Hajime found him self admiring the doctor's inner strength as errant blasts from Jaffa staff weapons preceded the first members of the team who came in carrying a badly wounded soldier and the doctor moved forward quickly and fearlessly to attend to him.
The sight of the wounded soldier was in fact rather grizzly. He was shocked that the man was still alive at all but he was in fact screaming in agony. So gory was the sight that Dr. Takagi's nurse froze when he saw the wounded soldier. The rest of the team poured right after them and the iris closed behind the last man as Hajime called in the clear signal to the control booth. A few sickening thuds could be heard as pursuing Jaffa slammed into oblivion.
"Sergeant Focus!" he heard Dr. Takagi shout as she grabbed a fist full of the still frozen nurse's uniform and shook him roughly to get his attention. Shaking visibly for a moment the man moved to obey the doctor's commands. As she single-mindedly went about her task he found herself admiring her poise and dignity. She was like a light in a sea of darkness and chaos.
Hajime frowned as he moved from his position to assist a lightly wounded soldier to his feet as Gen. Hammond ordered them to stand down and the wormhole disconnected. Gen. Hammond ordered the non-wounded members of SG6 to report to the briefing room. Hajime helped the man to the infirmary as the doctor hurried on ahead.
Again the doctor had responded with a dignity and strength befitting someone of her position. She was always in control of her self and managed to succeed under the most difficult circumstances without needing to be a rough and tumble tomboy. She was tough but didn't feel the need to act less feminine for it no matter how hard people made things for her because of it.
'She's so far ahead,' he thought suddenly. He realized it wasn't just that he'd lost sight of the stretcher being wheeled away from him at top speed. She was so far ahead of him in terms of strength. When his wife did what she did to him his life had come to halt. He realized that at that moment when he signed those divorce papers he had stopped moving forward.
The women he'd been involved with afterwards were people with whom he would never contemplate a future. They were simply a temporary companion. He tried not to think of the fact that he was not a person anyone would contemplate a future with either! He had ceased trying or even wanting to be one when Yoli betrayed him!
He helped the soldier onto a stretcher and watched with admiration as the doctor's staff hurried to attend to the man's wounds. They displayed an efficiency that he could easily attribute to the doctor setting the example for them. He left the infirmary to stow his weapon and found himself walking back towards the infirmary once more. Col. O'Neill was heading in that direction too so for a moment he wondered if he should just let it go.
'If I go there now she'll just think I'm hovering waiting around for her to crack!' he realized. He decided he would let it go and went to check on his men and file his report on the recent action. He smirked as he thought of the eloquent tongue lashing Dr. Takagi was sure to give Col. O'Neill.
'She's still so far ahead of me!' he thought again feeling suddenly like he wanted to start moving forward again. He felt as though he wanted to prove to her that he was her equal. He suddenly wanted to show her he could be as strong as she was!
'Why? Why do I feel this way? Am I even allowed to?' he wondered not wanting to dwell on the fact that he was thinking too much about her again! He had to put a stop to this line of thinking now!
'No I'm not allowed! Better forget it!' he thought but it took considerable effort to pull his thoughts away from the doctor…
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