Control
Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to SM.
A/N-thank you for the kind reviews! This is another really depressing chapter I'm afraid. It took me days to write and I nearly abandoned it several times. Anyway here is the end result. Feel free to vent your frustration in the reviews, LOL. I might join you.
Part Three
Bella turned ghostly pale as she tried to avoid her father's eyes. Her sense of betrayal was acute. She wanted to believe it wasn't Jacob who had betrayed her trust and told Billy about her reckless dive. Maybe it was Sam. It sounded more like something the packs Alpha would do.
"Bella, answer me." Charlie demanded when she didn't immediately respond.
"It was for recreational purposes. It was just a bit of fun. Jake and his friends do it all the time." Bella shrugged as if it was no big deal. "Why are you making such a fuss?"
"Because Jake and his friends wouldn't even think about doing something so stupid in the middle of a storm. Billy told me what a close call it was. Jake just got to you in time. How could you be so reckless?" Charlie tried to calm down. Bella was being so nonchalant about it. She could have died and she just didn't seem to care.
"You're making too much of this." Bella said defensively.
"Am I?" Charlie replied gruffly. He rubbed a hand over his face before looking imploringly at his daughter again. "It was bad enough when you went through that zombie phase. You were depressed and I was struggling to help you." He continued sadly. "All those nightmares you suffered. It went on for months. Then you seemed to finally come out of it. You began hanging around with Jake and your moods improved. Sometimes you even smiled and laughed. I was hopeful that you were through the worst of it. And I attributed that to Jake."
"Jake has helped me." Bella agreed, latching onto this to try and dissuade Charlie from probing further. "I am better now."
"Are you? Really?" Charlie shook his head. "I don't think so. I think you just got better at hiding it. I think you've been using Jake as an emotional crutch, and I was so relieved to see you doing better, that I allowed it to happen." He sighed heavily, his voice heavy with guilt. "And that wasn't fair to him or to you. I'm sorry, kiddo."
"You're wrong." Bella protested tremulously. "Jake's my friend. My best friend."
"Of course he is. The boy adores you. I think you know that and it made it easier for you to get him to do what you wanted."
"Are you accusing me of using Jake?"
"Not consciously." Charlie tried to reach out to her but Bella retreated from him. Resentful tears were glimmering in her eyes and she was breathing heavily as if she had just run a long race. Charlie's arms dropped back to his sides and he sighed again. "Look Jake's young. He's only sixteen. It's easy to forget that sometimes because he looks so much older. Billy said the boy's worn out. He's at his wits end trying to figure out what to do for the best. You diving off that cliff really freaked him out."
"So it was Jake who told you." Bella felt suddenly bereft. Out of everyone in her life, Jacob was the one she counted on the most. She couldn't believe that he could be so duplicitous. She kept his secrets. He was supposed to keep hers. That's what friends did. They had each other's backs.
"Don't go blaming the kid." Charlie chided her gently. "He's just worried about you and carrying the emotional burden alone was getting too much."
"So I'm a burden now?" Bella said shakily.
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Charlie refuted.
Bella's arms slipped around her waist as she tried to hold herself together. Jacob's betrayal was too much on top of the fraught situation with Edward. She needed Jacob's support, she craved it. Without him to shore her up, her world was crumbling around her. But now his support was gone. He had given up her darkest secret to her father. It was unforgivable.
"Bells, I need you to calm down." Charlie spoke to her softly like he would to a wild animal. Tears were dribbling out of her eyes and sliding down her cheeks. Billy was right to tell him about the cliff diving. Bella was far from better. She had obviously tried to patch herself up, but the news about Edward had ripped the band aid off again and left her emotional wound raw and bleeding. It just gave Charlie another reason to hate Cullen.
"Leave me alone." Bella whispered hoarsely. "You don't understand anything."
"Believe me or not but I actually do." Charlie said roughly. "I've been where you are."
Bella shook her head in denial. "I don't believe you."
"You didn't see me after your mother left with you." Charlie reminded her. He linked his fingers behind his head and exhaled sharply as if at some remembered pain. "I shut down just like you did. It was Billy and Harry who pulled me out of it. I was fortunate to have such good friends."
For the first time Bella's eyes flicked to his. Charlie had never spoken about Renee leaving before. He was always so self contained, often distant and hard to read. She couldn't imagine him feeling the same utter despair and grief that she suffered when Edward abandoned her. He wasn't capable of those type of emotions. "It's not the same."
"It's exactly the same." Charlie said sharply. "Do you think you are the only one who feels things deeply? It's just some of us don't show it as openly as others, that doesn't mean that we still aren't suffering inside."
Bella's lower lip trembled as she fell silent and watched him warily. She wasn't used to Charlie being so candid about his feelings. It was odd to equate this conversation with the stoic and reserved man that she knew. "I didn't mean to belittle your heartache, Dad. But my situation is different."
"You are not the first person to lose someone, Bella." Charlie exhaled again as he realised his frustration at the situation was careering out of control. Treating Bella with kid gloves hadn't worked, but being bullish with her wouldn't work either. She needed to hear plain facts. "I didn't mean to sound so harsh." He apologised. "We all deal with things in our own way. But it's like you're holding onto the pain deliberately-like you enjoy wallowing in it or something. It's sad that your first proper relationship ended, kiddo. But him leaving is not the end of the world. There are others out there who are more deserving of your time and love."
"Like you ever moved on?" Bella sneered. "Charlie Swan-the eternal bachelor."
Charlie visibly flinched as if she had slapped him. He swallowed thickly before responding to her verbal taunt. "Perhaps there is some truth in that." He conceded. "But that's my story not yours. There's something more at play here. Something that I don't understand. I think you could do with having another woman's perspective."
"If I wanted that then I would have talked to mom already."
Charlie rolled his eyes at this assertion. He knew Renee loved Bella, but she was useless at dealing with the hard stuff. That's part of the reason why she had stayed away and left Charlie to deal with the emotional fallout of Edward Cullen leaving. If she had really wanted to help she would have insisted Bella return to live with her in Jacksonville, or at least paid a visit, but instead she hid behind the usual well worn out clichés and kept her distance.
"Come on, let's get outta here." He said suddenly.
"I'm not going anywhere." Bella replied, stubbornly standing her ground. She was desperate to call Alice again. This back and forth with Charlie was wasting valuable time.
"So, you want to do this the hard way, huh?" Charlie's eyes narrowed as he stared her down. "If you don't come with me right now, Bells, I'll call the doc over here to assess you."
"You wouldn't?" Bella exclaimed in horror.
"Don't force my hand, kiddo. I'm not playing around here. It's your choice."
Sue welcomed Charlie and Bella in with a smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Bella was shocked that her father had brought her to the Clearwater's. Sue was still clearly grieving for Harry. The last thing the poor woman needed was to be burdened with their problems. Bella shot her father a resentful glance as he followed her into the house.
"Take a seat, Bella." Sue said as she entered the huge kitchen, which took up most of the rear of the house. She noticed Bella gazing around the large room admiringly. It was stuffed with the latest gadgets and looked pristine as if it was hardly used. Sue laughed darkly. "I'm not much of a cook, Bella. But I hear you are."
"Yeah." Bella looped a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled nervously. She was feeling very uncomfortable. She wondered where Seth and Leah were. The last person they would want to see was her, Leah especially. She hoped they wouldn't be back anytime soon. She took a seat at the big table and sat stiffly, wondering what to do. How could Charlie think it was a good idea to bring her here? Was Sue the female perspective he was talking about? She hardly knew Harry's widow. Her father was being ridiculous.
"Why don't you go visit with Billy?" Sue hinted to Charlie.
"Right." Charlie said gruffly. He looked at a crestfallen Bella. "Swing by the Black's when you're done here, kiddo."
"Fine." Bella was barely polite. She wanted to rage at her father, but it was impossible with Sue in the same room.
"Okay." Charlie nodded his head and shot Harry's widow a grateful smile. "I'll be on my way."
It was clear to Bella now that this had all been prearranged. She was beginning to think this was all Billy's doing. He must have spoken to Sue before contacting Charlie. She shifted in her chair awkwardly before raising her eyes to meet Sue's astute gaze. "I'm sorry to intrude." She apologised. "Um...and I'm sorry about Harry."
"My husband was a good man." Sue said with difficulty.
"He was." Bella agreed faintly. "I really liked him."
"Uh huh." Sue frowned slightly, suddenly reminding Bella of her daughter, Leah. "He was worried about you, though."
"What?" Bella was taken aback. "He didn't...I..."
"Let's not waste time here, Bella." Sue interjected abruptly. "Charlie brought you here to talk to me. Of course he's in the dark about a lot of things." She didn't hide her regret at this but soldiered on anyway. "We're all concerned about you."
"I'm fine." Bella persisted stubbornly.
"Jumping off cliffs shows that you are far from fine." Sue admonished her. "I'm a nurse, Bella."
"I know." Bella muttered.
"Which means I've been around girls who've been in a similar situation to yours-"
"I get what you are trying to do but my situation is different." Bella interrupted the older woman impatiently.
"You're right. Those girls were never under the sway of a controlling vampire."
Bella gasped at Sue's bluntness. She could see who Leah Clearwater took after. She tried to give Harry's widow some leeway. She had just lost her husband and she was only talking to Bella as a favour to both Billy and Charlie, but it didn't give her an excuse to make presumptions. "You don't know anything about my relationship with E..." She exhaled painfully as she tried to say Edward's name. Her heart constricted at the thought of him out in Volterra, all alone, and at the mercy of the Volturi. Even though he had placed himself there deliberately, it was still killing her not knowing whether Alice was going to get there in time to rescue him. "He's not any of those things you said." She continued painfully. "You don't know him."
"Tell me about him, then." Sue challenged her. "Persuade me otherwise."
"I can't talk about him." Bella whispered painfully.
"Are you afraid if you say it out loud that it will make you see what is so obvious to the rest of us?" Sue ducked her head and peered into Bella's angry eyes. "You can glare at me all you want, Bella. Leah does the same." Her brow furrowed as she thought about her own troubled daughter. "You are so similar in the way you hold onto things that are bad for you. You wallow and she rages."
"I don't want to be rude but this isn't getting us anywhere." Bella's tone was barely polite now.
A grim smile pushed away the grief shining in Sue's dark eyes momentarily. "I'm glad to see you still have some fire inside of you, Bella. It's probably what's kept you going. Deep down inside you must resent the vampire for the way he treated you. In your darkest moments you must question your relationship with him."
Tears pooled in Bella's eyes as she scraped her chair back. "It's none of your business."
Sue sat back in her chair and shrugged wearily. "I've been where you are, Bella. I see the signs. Before I met Harry I was in a very bad relationship. He may not have been a vampire, but he still managed to drain the life out of me, and when he eventually tired of me and left, I was like a broken doll. I had no one to pull my strings you see."
Bella's jaw pulsed as she stared at the older woman warily. "I'm sorry that happened to you, but, again, our situations are very different."
"Are they?" Sue questioned as she stood up and stared Bella down. "From what I hear as soon as you met him you began to isolate yourself from your friends at school. I bet he made you feel like the centre of his universe straight away. In a short amount of time he was falling for you, by saying all the right things and investing a huge amount of attention learning every detail about you."
"What's wrong with that?" Bella cried obstinately.
"I bet he came across as so caring, right?" Sue continued harshly as if Bella hadn't spoken. "I bet he was always so concerned about you, that you're safe and made it to where you said you would be."
"Don't." Bella pleaded.
"Then it's not long before that overprotective and caring behaviour crosses a threshold where it moves to unhealthy. Soon, those caring conversations about your safety become insistent. You start to anticipate them and having to explain yourself, so you decide, rather than deal with the drama, you'll just make sure to accede to his wishes just to make him happy."
Bella put her hands over her ears as she tried to block Sue's relentless voice out. "Just stop."
"Why? Is some of what I'm saying sounding familiar?"
"No." Bella shook her head in denial. "He just wanted to keep me safe. I'm a danger magnet. It follows me around, that's why he was so overprotective."
"You spent seventeen years of your life without his protection. That's bullshit." Sue snapped. She stepped forward and grabbed Bella by the shoulders and shook her a little. "Remember, I've been where you are, Bella. Little by little, your confidence, and your feelings of freedom and choice in your own life, diminish. You start to live by his schedule rather than your own, and not risk the drama of an innocent night out with the girls or meeting up with that old guy friend of yours. If you don't pull the plug at this point, things spiral out of control. You'll be left completely dependent on him, your wings clipped, any confidence you had in yourself eroded away. All taken from you by a controlling guy so he never has to face his own deep seated insecurities."
"No." Bella protested weakly. "You're wrong." Sue's harsh reality check was chipping away at her faith in Edward and she hated the older woman for it.
"He left you to crumble into dust without him, seemingly without a care, and suddenly you can't dance without him pulling your strings. So you sink into a deep depression, feeling worthless and utterly bereft without him." Sue's voice became softer and she stared bleakly over Bella's head as if she was looking backward into her own past. "And then after months of no contact he comes back into your life, saying that he needs you, that he can't live without you and you are the only one who ever understood him. He makes you feel empowered, like you are the only one who can save him. But in reality it's just another chance for him to get his hooks into you and putting you right back where he wants you."
"You have no right to say those things." Bella sobbed. "This was a mistake. My dad shouldn't have brought me here."
Sue sighed as she watched Bella run clumsily out of the room. She didn't bother to go after her. There was no point. She just hoped she had said enough to make Bella think. It was obvious by her severe reaction that some of the points had hit home. Sue's troubled gaze drifted to a picture of her own daughter and her grief at the loss of Harry intensified to a point she couldn't breathe. She had tried to save Bella from herself, she just wished she could do the same with Leah. Sue rubbed her aching temples as she sat alone in the kitchen and pondered what to do.
Bella didn't go inside the Black's house. Instead she headed to the garage to find Jacob. As soon as she saw his tall frame bent over the engine of the VW Rabbit relief flooded through her. She was supposed to be angry with him, but her need for comfort outweighed her resentment. She expected him to abandon what he was doing and turn to her with his arms wide open, and was bemused when he didn't immediately do so
"Jake?" She whispered.
Jacob slowly downed tools and stood upright. He watched her carefully, his expression guarded as he grabbed an oily rag and wiped his hands clean. "You've been crying." He said needlessly.
"Yes."
"I'm not gonna apologise for telling my dad about the cliff diving. Stay mad all you want. I don't care."
"You...you don't care?" Bella was drowning under the weight of her emotional torment.
"Stop twisting my words, Bella." Jacob moaned in frustration. "The problem is I care too much and its killing me."
"I don't...I need..." Bella stammered.
"You always need something, Bella." Jacob complained bitterly as he threw the oily rag onto the floor at his feet. "I'm so tired of this merry go round. I wish you could hear yourself. Do you even see me anymore, Bella? Do you?"
"Of course I do." Bella protested thickly.
"I don't think so. Not for a long time. You only see him." Jacob sounded defeated. "Billy said I should take a step back and I'm thinking maybe he's right. I'm not helping you really, Bella. I thought I was, but maybe I was just a poor substitute for who you really want. I deserve better than that."
"Jake, don't." Bella's pain was acute. The hole in her chest punctured and she found it difficult to draw air into her lungs. She needed Jacob to plug the gap, it ached less when he was with her. "None of what you said is true."
Jacob's dark eyes glimmered in the half dark. His whole demeanour was tense and he looked on the verge of tears himself. "I'm sorry, Bella. Just give me some time."
Bella-he kept calling her Bella. She was no longer Bells. "Don't do this." She whispered.
"I'm sorry." He whispered back to her as he reluctantly turned his back on her and walked away.
The garage door closing was like the lid on her tomb sealing her in the dark. Bella was physically shaking. The tremors in her body refused to stop and she wanted to be sick. She fumbled for her cell phone and pulled up Alice's number. The phone rang and rang relentlessly but no one picked up. Panicking, Bella fell to the ground and curled up into a ball and she began to sob. She was in a nightmare. Charlie's words became jumbled with Sue's in her head, with Jacob's added to the mix. She wanted to scream. The one voice she wanted to hear was Edward's just like she had on the cliff top, but he remained as silent as a grave.
A/N-thanks for reading!
