AN: havent' had much chance to write T-T schools been spreading my ass cheeks and giving it to me hard. Here's a quick mind jerkoff I did when I should have been doing my paper instead.
Kakashi felt his entire body contort in a most unnatural manner, as if his entire being had been sucked up through a straw. While the sensation of having your entire existence liquefied and slurped up into an invisible singularity should have been excruciatingly painful (The way Deidara had screamed when Kakashi had used Kamui on his arm lent strong evidence to this theory), strangely it was not. Perhaps due to the weirdness of these wizards' chakra techniques, or simply Kami finally deciding to give Kakashi a small break after three wars and unfathomable amount of missions gone wrong, but Kakashi simply felt a sense of distortion to his reality, as if the very universe itself was suddenly questioning his existence and finally deciding that he did not in face exist in Diagon Alley, but somewhere else. And apparently that mean he felt like he was being sucked up through a straw, for lack of better description.
When the world finally came back into focus, and his existence firmly re-anchored to reality, Kakashi's external appearance could be described as the very definition of 'cool as a cucumber'. Internally however, Kakashi was in his happy place, curled up in a fetal position while cuddling said metaphorical cucumber whilst sucking on his thumb. Something about having your existence removed and replaced was simply wrong, like when he had first gotten his prostate check after his mini cancer scare. Having someone else's fingers up your butthole was simply disturbing beyond all reason, and Kakashi had had people push their fingers into his gut to keep his intestines from spilling out while super gluing him back together so he knew what strange felt like! His latest experience in transdimensiional travel was equivalent to a prostate exam using four hands and peanut butter as lubricant.
"My, my, you certainly seemed to have handled that quiet well Kakashi! You Shinobi must really be made of stern stuff. I know many wizards who cannot abide the feeling of portkey transportation, but unfortunately due to the protective wards surrounding Hogwarts, that is the only way possible to get in, and even then only those keyed to the wards can make those portkeys" Dumbledore himself seemed rather ruffled, but steady on his feet for a man who just experienced the same rather violating form of travel that had placed Kakashi in his current catatonic state.
Kakashi gave a robotic nod, detachedly wondering if perhaps it was all these weird and unusual forms of transportations that lead to these wizards's insanity. Breaking out of his shell of mental defensiveness due to the reality shattering weirdness he had just experienced, the veteran jounin at last managed to notice the breathtaking view of the castle before him. The fortress was massive in nature; walls that seemed to reach into the heavens extended in all directions forever, distorting the sense of distance that normally the jounin was capable of judging to within a few inches just by eye. Stony figures of crouched bestial winged monsters scowling down from the top of the wall by the hundreds (Did one of them just move? Nah probably just a side effect of recovering from portkey ).
The only visible entrance was through a gate near where Kakashi and Dumbledore stood, and even through that gate Kakashi could make out the checkered metal bars of half a dozen other gates in place to deter unwanted intruders. No doubt overhead above each checkpoint were vents so that defenders can drop and pour all sorts of nasty life ending substances to kill and maim anyone with the bright idea of storming the castle. Behind the stalwart stone fortifications stood a majestic looking castle that had towers that reached up even further then the massive walls (almost like fingers reaching to grab the stars), as if determined to be seen by the people outside the massive barricade so that they can gape in awe at where they weren't allowed to go.
Well Kakashi wasn't going to give in to that lure, that's why he had a mask on. Nobody could tell when his jaws dropped or when he secretly yawned during the seemingly endless jounin meetings where everyone who wasn't a jounin thought war stories were traded and overall jounins acting badass when in reality it was usually duller than Iruka's classroom lectures as people went over monthly budget reports, complaints, and played bingo on Friday nights. It was the secret to his rather cool and hip image as Gai would put it, and it served him well here.
Plus if he took it off, the paleness of the lower half of his face contrasted with the sun tanned flesh that was exposed to the daylight more often would make him look retarded, which was mostly the reason why he had never taken his mask off. He had done it once, because the damn thing had been getting itchy, and Obito had laughed so hard he'd ended up needing to change his pants after a little accident involving the involuntary relaxation of his rectum.
Anko was the only living person to have seen him without his mask on, and if she wasn't so amazing in bed Kakashi would have assassinated her too. Of course that implies that he had assassinated someone before for seeing his face, but truly that woman had deserved it. She had captured him during the war with Iwa and was in the process of torturing him and had removed his mask to get access to his teeth. She had laughed so hard she hadn't noticed Kakshi squirming loose of the bonds holding him in place and had quiet literally died laughing. And then there was that one time in Cloud with the wind jutsu that had ripped his mask off with the Kumo ninja, he'd pretty much died while laughing uncontrollably as well. Couldn't tell if the shit smell coming from his pants had been a loss of bowel control due to the hysterical laughter or a side effect of being strangled by Kakashi.
All in all, it was a rather impressive looking building with heavy defenses visible, and probably hundreds of other less visible and no doubt weirder ones in place. Kakashi itched to lift his headband in order to get a glimpse of the more intangible defenses in place, but resisted the urge. A shinobi needed to keep his ace hidden until he needed it. Though given that everyone knew he had the sharingan it wasn't really that big of a surprise, most the time enemy combatants practically demanded he use it. Why didn't anyone recognize him for his own skills and general awesomeness? It was always, Kakashi the copy ninja this or Sharingan Kakashi that, Copycat Kakashi, Kakashi of a thousand stolen jutsus.
"Well what do you think Kakashi?" Dumbledore had once more brought out the package of little yellow sweets he seemed to carry on his person in abundance, and was currently struggling to pop out of the delectable morsels through the rather tough supposedly aluminum foil that held it in place and kept it from going stale. Damn muggles sure knew how to make their aluminum.
Distracted by his internal lament at people's inability to recognize his awesomeness, Kakashi gave a noncommittal hum for a moment before replying. "Most impressive. Can't say I've seen anything like it before, and I've seen a lot."
Dumbledore gave a cry of success as he heard the foil holding back his treasure pop, which quickly turned to a sound of dismay when the little candy popped out onto the ground. Peering down sadly at the escaped sweet, Dumbledore heaved a little sigh. There goes his last lemon drop.
"Well then let's go on in shall we? No sense in admiring it from the outside when we can view it from within!"
Seeing the old man turn around and start heading up the path that led to the gate, Kakashi quickly stooped down and snatched up the sparkling yellow nugget that was winking at him from the ground. Pinching the candy between his pointing finger and his thumb, he lifted it carefully before his face and gave a delicate sniff. While certainly he was no Inuzaka with their canine like senses that could distinguish everything from the deodorant brand you used up till the last time you had masturbated (and who you had been thinking about if rumors were to be believed), years of experience had given the man a sense of smell few outside that dog like clan could match.
There was the acidic tang of lemon coupled with the scent of sugar, lots and lots of sugar and a slight metallic whiff that was probably a result of being in the container that had preserved it for so long. Hmm well there goes his theory of narcotics in the candy causing the old man's strange behavior. Shrugging he dropped the little morsel on the ground and ground it beneath his heel before following his eccentric client up the hill.
AN: please let me know what you guys think, had a bit of fun blurbing that bit of insanity at 2 in the morning ;)
