Lily fiddled with the silver instrument as she spoke, mesmerized by the green puffs of smoke the swirled around her hands. She found herself unable to focus on the headmaster as she did so, needing something to distract her as she spoke. "There's something he isn't telling me."
"How can you be so sure?" Dumbledore called out from across the room. He stood at one of his many office windows, gazing down at the grounds below and the students that covered it.
"Nothing adds up. Things he used to hate he's found a new affinity for." She turned around, facing him. "The fact that he's allowed to be here is one of them. If Severus is truly the person he claims to be why isn't he in Azkaban? Why is he allowed to be around children?"
"Have you asked him your questions?" His voice was flat, almost as if he'd heard this before. She found herself wondering just what the headmaster knew that she didn't
"Yes, well, not exactly. He didn't let me." Her shoulders slumped in a pout as she lifted her head to look at him. "Why did you hire him, Professor?"
Dumbledore stared at her with a expressing that assured her he was hiding something, that they both were. It angered her even further. "I suggest you ask him yourself. I'm afraid he's sworn me to secrecy."
"In other words, there is something?" She raised an eyebrow, her forehead puckering in curiosity.
"I trust him, Lily. That's all I'm allowed to say on the matter." Dumbledore glanced in the direction of the clock. "He doesn't usually take his lunches. I'd say you could catch him in his office in about an hour."
"Office? I'm…I'm not even sure what he teaches." Lily had been so wrapped up in the idea that he taught at all that she didn't even stop to consider what he did here.
"Slughorn retired. We brought Severus on as head of Slytherin house and potions master."
The potions job didn't surprise her in the least. It was one of the few areas in life he enjoyed, excelled at. Head of house on the other hand…she couldn't picture him as a disciplinarian. He had the fear factor part down, she'd experienced his towering figure herself. It was the enjoyment factor that almost made her laugh.
Xxxx
A knock sounded on the open door of his office. Without lifting his eyes from his parchment, he spoke. "Detention isn't until this evening, Finch."
"What did he do?"
The voice that answered certainly didn't belong to Finch and Severus' head snapped up. "Tentaclifors jinx."
"I seem to remember you using that one yourself." Lily smiled softly from where she leaned into the doorframe.
"And I paid dearly for it. Shut the door." He stood from the seat behind his desk and walked to the front, leaning back against it. "What are you doing here?" He wasn't entirely happy to see her, but cast a muffliato anyway.
"Dumbledore told me what happened."
Severus straightened slightly as anger slithered down his back, through his nerves. He composed himself, his mask forming. "Did he?"
"No, but now I know there is something going on." She smiled victoriously, sitting in one of the chairs that sat across from his desk. The stairs that only students who were in trouble occupied. The association gave him a glimmer of satisfaction.
"Why are you so interested in my life all the sudden? It was easy enough for you to forget me before." He snapped, the irritation that had brewed over several days escaping him.
"I can't help but think it has something to do with my life, my family." Her own tone was waspish as she glared at him, the fire of her soul shining through her eyes.
Severus didn't respond, didn't know how to refute the statement. He finally just looked away from her. His position eased with the pain that he'd have to hurt her, again.
"Was it a good thing?" She asked tentatively, her voice barely that of a whisper. She knew she had won, but still she treaded carefully.
"I…I made a mistake, many of them. I'm not proud of it."
"Severus." Lily leaned forward in the chair, her elbows on her knees as she looked up into his eyes. "We lived in fear for nearly two years. We didn't know if we'd survive, if…" She drew in a shaking breath. "But, now he's gone, and Harry and I are still here."
He lifted a hand, covering his mouth for a moment. "If that's supposed to make me feel better you achieved the opposite."
"Can you just trust me? Don't I deserve to know?"
"Don't you remember how angry you got when I used a slur against you? You wouldn't listen to a word a said, ignored my attempt at an apology or explanation. You cut me out over a word. This is so much worse."
"Severus, maybe you aren't the only one who's changed. War gives you perspective but, it was more than just a word to me. My years here left me feeling like an outcast, that I didn't really belong. There was an entire group of people who hated my very being over something I couldn't even control. I felt like I was clinging to the wizarding world. You weren't the first…or the last person to call me a mudblood. The fact that it came from you, the one person who made me feel like I really belonged, was what hurt so much."
He wanted to reach out, to sweep the falling hair out of her face, to brush her skin, but he restrained himself. "You have to know I regretted it the moment it crossed my lips. I don't wish to speak ill of the dead, particularly when James was so important to you, but his presence in this conversation is unavoidable." He paused, waiting for her to object, but she said nothing. "The four of them bloody tormented me, for years, both physically and mentally over my house, my existence, my appearance, things I couldn't control. They ambushed me at every turn before spinning it to make me look like the bad guy, that I deserved it. It culminated to the point that even I believed it.
My family was…broken to say the least. I looked forward to the day I could leave Cokeworth, I saw Hogwarts as my escape. It didn't take long for it to end up the other way around. Eventually I looked forward to home and dreaded school. I had no quality of life here, all because of them."
"You were able to get plenty of shots in on them as well. I've heard James' side."
"I'm sure you have." He glowered, wondering how much the other man had embellished, but it was true. He had brought his own unnecessary harm, had used his own dark spells. "You can't honestly tell me that four on one was fair. I would have gladly left them alone if they hadn't insisted on constant bodily harm. Do you remember how many fights we had over my interest in dark magic? Did you ever have the same conversation with James?"
She shook her head vehemently, an expression of older times covering her face. "No, he wasn't-"
"Except he was. How could you ever think that using scourgify on a person, causing them to suffocate, to nearly lose consciousness wasn't dark? It's the intent behind the magic, not the magic itself that makes the action dark. Bombarda isn't considered to be a curse, what would you say if I used it on a person? Shattered their bones?"
"What's the point of all this?" Lily's voice was weaker than before, and he hoped he was getting through to her.
"Lily, he choked me and proceeded to hang me upside down before trying to remove my pants. You nearly laughed at the situation! You called me Snivellus, you know how much I hated that name. Yet I ended up being the bad guy because I called you a name in a moment of embarrassing rage. How would you feel if James threatened to remove a girl's shirt? Would you have stifled a giggle then? Or would you have acted like the prefect you were supposed to be and stopped it?
You weren't the only one who felt like a reject, a victim here. Every blasted day of my life here consisted of being told why I wasn't good enough. This was supposed to be a safe place." He thought of Dumbledore. "And the people who were supposed to protect me failed." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. "I can't even begin to apologize for what I said, to right the things I destroyed. I don't know how much clearer I can make my motives, but I need you to know it was a moment of impassioned anger and nothing else. I haven't used the word since."
When he opened his eyes again, her mouth was slack, and her eyes searched his face. "Didn't it stop? I thought that was the last thing he ever did to you…" Shame was written across her face.
"Stop? That wasn't even the worst incident! It merely continued behind your back." She didn't say anything, only continued her shocked expression. "Lily, would you be more inclined to join the people who fought to extinguish you? Or the ones that accepted you as you were?"
"Accepted." Her voice came out finally as a harsh whisper.
"Then is it really any question why I became a Death Eater?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head slightly. "Severus…I can't even begin…how come you never told me?"
"That's just it, I tried to, and you returned to your common room."
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry-"
He reached out, grazing the skin of the back of her hand. A familiar jolt shot through him at the feeling of her creamy skin beneath his calloused fingers. "I didn't tell you this in search of an apology. I wanted you to understand why things ended up the way they did."
"And this has to do with your so-called secret?" Lily's voice was hopeful as she turned the conversation back to why she had come here in the first place.
He'd hoped she'd forgotten that. He opened his mouth to speak when another knock came at the door. He stepped towards it, undoing the muffliato and yanking it open. "Professor Quigg." He ground out in irritation.
"Good afternoon, Severus. I hoped to get your opinion on something." She smiled flirtatiously as she stepped into his office.
He cleared his throat, facing Lily. "If you wish to speak further on the matter, Mrs. Potter, feel free to drop by my office around 4:30."
Lily smiled weakly, exiting the room and Severus sighed in exasperation. "You needed something?"
She perched on the desk. "The second years and I are about to start our unit on dangerous creatures. I thought perhaps we could bring in some new ones and discuss their applications in potions as well."
"Bring in? I would hardly suggest allowing children near such dangerous beasts." He raised an eyebrow.
"It isn't of your concern. You would only teach the students how the beasts pertain to your area of study. I'll worry about the rest."
"What kind of animals are we talking about here?" He folded his arms across his chest. "There are many possibilities."
She shrugged as if she'd just thought of it. "Murtlap, swooping evil, maybe a graphorn."
"Are you mental? Dumbledore would never allow it."
"On the contrary, I think he'd like the initiative I'm taking. Potentially even offer me a different position."
Severus rolled his eyes. "You are risking the safety of students to save your own skin? Thank you for interrupting my rather important conversation for this." He straightened. "If you get Dumbledore's approval, I will participate. But, only with potions. You'll get no help otherwise."
Xxxx
Having four hours to kill, Lily hunkered down inside The Three Broomsticks. She chose a table that gave her full view of the room. Her back was against the wall to prevent ambush she realistically knew wasn't coming, but couldn't help being afraid of. After living for so long fearing for her life and nearly losing it, protecting herself wasn't a habit she could just forget.
Staring into the amber glass of butter beer she mulled over what Severus had said. The grief she felt for James was suddenly complicated and even more painful. The love she felt for him wouldn't change, she didn't regret falling in love or marrying him, but she felt as though she'd been blinded. One of the worst parts about it all was her inability to get angry at him. She couldn't lash out at all the times he had lied, couldn't ask if he regretted it. She couldn't even ask what they had done behind her back.
They'd never discussed Severus, what reason did they have? He was no longer a part of her life. Other than a few whispers about what he had become, it was like he had never existed. Lily saw now how sad that was. Severus had been her closest friend since she was a child. He had been the one to introduce her to the very world in which she sat at that moment. He had given her so much and in return had been tossed aside.
She remembered that last fight as clear as day, the annoyance she felt when she saw James and his friends setting off towards Severus. How Severus' face had turned a brilliant red, out of embarrassment or anger she wasn't sure. Lily held her head in her hands. She even remembered the laugh she thought she had hidden so well. She had never realized that Severus had noticed it. It was no wonder now why he had called her a name.
Lily had always suspected his home life wasn't particularly ideal, but he'd never come right out and said it. She'd seen the strange, hand me down clothes he had worn during his time at home, even his robes appeared used, but she'd never attributed it to a "broken home". It seemed that James had picked at the very things Severus had been ashamed of.
He hadn't told her those things to hurt her, she knew it. She had practically forced it out of him. That didn't stop the rolling in her stomach or the guilty feeling in every part of her.
She'd been upset over losing Severus, even if she was the one to end their friendship. It was hard being forced to turn your back on someone that had been such a huge part of your life. She did what she thought was right at the time and James had been the one to comfort her. He'd apologized for antagonizing Severus and swore not to do it again because of how much it had upset her.
That wasn't even the worst thing he did. She was dying to know what could possibly be worse than a near sexual assault. Lily couldn't help but feel that she had messed up time and time again. Severus had had an explanation for everything. If she had just listened to him then…maybe they wouldn't be caught up in this mess.
Xxxx
Lily patted at the wetness of her cheeks, trying foolishly to diminish the red blotches that stained them. She rapped insecurely on the door which was opened immediately, and she wondered if Severus had been waiting for her. His eyes narrowed momentarily at her presence before it disappeared again.
Peeking out into the stone hallway, he beckoned her to follow and she did. They arrived at a nondescript door she didn't remember being there. Severus unlocked it quickly and motioned for her to step inside before following her and locking the door again. Lily gazed around at what she realized was a miniature flat. They stood inside a small kitchenette and living space while a single doorway led to what she guessed was a bedroom.
Severus sat rigidly on the small, pale green couch and she briefly wondered if he ever relaxed. Each time she had seen him he was poised as if ready to run at a moment's notice. She realized then that his wand was kept in a similar manner. She'd seen it slide from his sleeve and into his hand, prepared for any attack.
He watched her seriously and Lily averted her eyes. The way that he looked at her confused her, as if he was always trying to figure her out. "You don't like that other Professor, do you?" it was an effort to diffuse the tension.
A crease appeared between his eyes. "If only she found it as obvious as you."
"What's so bad about her?"
"She's a bumbling idiot for one. Insisted on bringing a graphorn into the school this afternoon."
Lily fought the smile threatening to break out. "Not that tentacle faced one?"
"The same. She also insists on touching me." He shivered in disgust and Lily couldn't help the short exhale of laughter which earned her a glare. "I'm glad you find it so funny."
"No." She shook her head, still smirking. "It's just interesting to see how little you've changed in some ways."
Something on his face changed, but she wasn't sure what. He seemed to grow more solemn, looking first at the floor and then back at her. "This doesn't leave the room. Are we clear?" When she agreed to his terms he continued. "It's my fault James is dead, Lily."
She felt her heart fall into her stomach and her throat grow tight. "What?" She croaked finally.
"You're familiar with the prophecy?" Lily nodded, and he continued. "I overheard part of it while it was being delivered. I was the one who gave it to the Dark Lord."
"Severus…I…" She was speechless, shattered again. The corners of her eyes began to prick as tears threatened to fall once more. Her mouth opened, and she fought to form words.
"Your family quickly became of interest. As soon as I realized what I'd done I pleaded with Dumbledore to protect you, to hide you. I changed sides."
"It was you? You suggested the fidelius?"
"No, I suggested that you flee somewhere the Dark Lord couldn't find you. I was less than pleased to hear what path you'd chosen." Lily rubbed her eyes before allowing her hand to slip over her mouth. "I'm not proud of what I've done. The fact that you and Harry survived is miraculous."
"It was you, all along, it was you." She snapped.
"Yes." He didn't fight, didn't make up excuses for his actions.
Lily wanted to leave, to slam the door, but remained rooted to the spot. She watched Severus' façade drop fully for the first time. He fought to hide it, ducking his head for only a second as he regained control, but it was enough for her to catch the sheer anguish that was underneath.
"You weren't lying." It was a statement, not a question for she already knew the answer.
"Lying?" His face contorted into confusion.
"About changing your views."
"Lily, I've never lied to you."
She sat beside him finally, but kept her distance. There was silence between them that neither tried to break. She fought to digest the betrayal, the anger at what he had done and knew what needed to be asked. "If it hadn't been us, would you still have warned Dumbledore? Tried to save the other family?"
He appeared to be genuinely thinking over her question. "Yes, I believe so. You provided a sense of urgency I don't think another family could provide, but I'd like to think I would have come to my senses eventually."
"Did you serve him faithfully until then?"
"What are you implying?"
"I'm trying to understand the new you."
"New?" The confusion returned.
Lily nodded. "You're so…guarded. I used to be able to read you like a book, but now everything is closed off. You walk different, you talk different, it's like you're finally comfortable."
"I simply came to accept the things I've done rather than try to fight them. Occlumency, hiding things, is necessary when you serve the Dark Lord. Without it, he would have known what I'd done immediately. I served him faithfully, yes. He wished to place me inside the school. I failed the first time and received a punishment in return."
"So, you're here because You-Know-Who wants you to be?"
His eyes widened slightly. "I'm here because Dumbledore wants me to be. The Dark Lord believes I'm serving him when in actuality, Dumbledore is my only master."
"But he's gone, you've secured your freedom. Surely you don't need any 'master'?"
"Freedom? You honestly believe my dream job is teaching insufferable children? This is simply a part of the negotiation between Dumbledore and I. " Severus watched her in hesitation as he spoke. "The Dark Lord saw to it that he could not die. He will return. Until he can ultimately be defeated once and for all, this is where I remain."
Lily was gripped by a new fear. Her breathing began to quicken at the thought that she, and more importantly, her child, would have to face him again. Whenever she closed her eyes all she could see was Voldemort, the green stream of light aimed directly at her and Harry. His voice still rang in her ears, how he had asked her to stand aside.
She dropped her head between her legs to stem the hyperventilation. She'd been looking over her shoulder out of paranoia, not true belief he would return. She was afraid of rogue Death Eaters, but this was so much worse.
A comforting hand was laid lightly on her back. She could barely feel the weight of it, but it was there all the same. From her hunched position she could see his legs and knew that he remained in the same spot, that the only thing he had moved was his arm. Lily turned her neck slightly so that she could see him from the corner of her eyes. Severus stared back at her with a look of concern he had never easily showed.
She focused on breathing deeply for several minutes until the lightheadedness finally disappeared and her heart stopped pounding so bloody hard. Despite it all, she remained where she was. "Severus…I can't forgive you, not right now. I understand everything you've told me today, but that doesn't change the fact that I love James. Maybe things can change in the future, but right now it's too hard."
His usual mask took control again. She wished she could just see what he was feeling. "I hadn't expected it to be any other way."
"Thank you, for your honesty." She sat up again, brushing the hair from her face.
"You practically ripped it from me." Severus smirked. "You always knew how to get your way."
Lily batted her eyes, feigning innocence. "Whatever do you mean?"
"Ah, your humor is still intact as well." He stood finally, wiping what she assumed were sweaty hands on his trousers. "I'm afraid duty calls."
Lily nodded, biting her lip as she followed him again out of his makeshift home. As they hit the corridor, she watched him stroll away. In light of all the mind-boggling confessions, she somehow felt more confused than before.
