The Man Who Knew Too Little
Ch 3: By Jokers
Dean had been staring at the wall for several hours wondering precisely what the hell was going on. God had left the building immediately after announcing the continuation of the Apocalypse, and that left the elder Winchester with several questions. Such as how God had come to possess Cas in the first place, what they were going to do about it, and how the almighty Douche Bag intended to start the Apocalypse when all of the players were dead, unwilling, or imprisoned in Hell. It wasn't like God could –
There was a sharp thud against the window. Dean looked up, fully prepared for it to be a legion of Hellspawn dressed for war with God smirking at them from the lead with Cas' mouth. Instead, it was just Gabriel, standing across the junkyard with a mildly irritated expression and holding a rock in a throwing position. When he saw Dean looking at him, he dropped his arm and began to move closer. Dean gaped.
"So, Dean, what are we going to do now," Sam strode into the room, holding a plate of sandwiches. Catching sight of Dean's face, he followed his older brother's gaze, mouth opening and closing like a fish, "Wha-" Gabriel smiled at the Winchester's faces, waving at them cheerily. He reached the doorway of Bobby's house and stopped, crossing his arms and staring at them.
The Winchesters ran over to the front door, opening it and staring at the distinctly-not-dead archangel. Of the two of them, Sam regained his powers of speech first, "Wha...you...how?" Gabriel looked distinctly unimpressed.
"How what? How am I alive? Elementary, dear Sammy. Dad resurrected me." Dean's eyes narrowed.
"You mean the guy who's possessing Cas and intends to destroy the world?"
"Yeah. That guy. Look, he didn't resurrect me to agree with him or anything. I've always figured he was a dick, and now I have the proof."
"Then why? Why the hell would God resurrect someone who hated him?" Sam had bitchface number 72 going, and under most other circumstances Dean would have laughed at him, but he figured his expression was probably just as bad.
"Umm...to make it more fun. Duh. I think that might be the only thing I inherited from the guy." Gabriel shrugged, "He resurrected all of the archangels."
"Even the one he played the old exploding snap with less than a week ago," Dean asked. Gabriel nodded. "What was the point of that then?"
"Because he thought it would be hilarious? I don't know. I don't have a psychic relay with the guy."
"Okay then, so say we believe you."
"Which we do."
"Not helping Sammy." Sam had the decency to at least look sorry, though Dean didn't believe him for a minute.
"So if we believe you, I still have one question."
"Shoot." Gabriel unwrapped a lollipop and stuck it in his mouth. Dean wasn't sure , but it looked like an unholy hybrid between strawberry, banana, and pure sugar. It probably was.
"Why the hell did you teleport over there," Dean gestured to the other side of the scrapyard, "Instead of our house?"
"Well," Gabriel said, the lollipop somehow not hindering his speech in any manner, "you know those anti-angel wards you put up around the house? The ones that have no effect on the people who you're trying to keep out as they either are, or are allied with, God? Well, they're keeping me out. And let me tell you, it's getting pretty irritating."
"Oh." Dean looked rather dumbstruck, "I'll find Bobby then."
It took surprisingly little time to remove the anti-angel wards on the house. Less than an hour. Once they were removed though, Gabriel didn't enter the house. He simply stood there, looking slightly awkward.
"What's wrong?"
"Well, I didn't...I didn't actually come alone."
"Who did you bring? Did God resurrect more than just archangels?" Dean ran through the list of dead angels mentally. The only one he could think of helping him was Anna, and considering the last time they met he wasn't sure he really wanted her brand of assistance.
"No. Just us four."
"Then who?" Not Michael, starting the apocalypse was his job. Not Raphael. That only left Lucifer, and...Dean cut that thought off right there.
"Miss me, Sammy boy?" Sam turned, then jumped backwards, only prevented from falling down by Dean putting a steadying hand on his shoulder. Lucifer had suddenly appeared behind them, a rather disturbing smile on his no longer rotting face.
"Why the hell is he here?" Dean resisted the urge to punch the Morningstar, knowing it wouldn't do much good. Sammy, however, looked like he might just do it anyway.
"Oh calm down, boys. I'm not here to kidnap your baby brother," Lucifer's smile widened, showing too many teeth, "Well, not this time."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Well...I..." The fallen angel actually looked uncomfortable, and Dean felt pride in the achievement.
"He's going to help us." Gabriel spoke up. "Turns out Lucy here," Lucifer looked like he wanted to argue about the nickname, but instead settled for just looking irked, "doesn't actually give all that much of a damn about humans. He just needed a good excuse to betray God."
"Huh?" Dean was sure he didn't have a very intelligent expression, but he really didn't care at this point.
"Well, ape, let me put it in simpler terms so you can understand. If I were to have walked up to the most devout beings in the universe and told them that God was a complete monster, how many of them would have listened? I needed a reason to fight him, or else I would have been on my own. Not that the others were much help."
"But...you're evil! Completely batshit! You get your kicks from sitting in a box and torturing people!" The Devil just looked at Dean incredulously.
"Hey, you try being stuck in hell for thousands of topside-years, see how long you last. Oh wait. We already know. Four months. Which, last time I checked, was less than a couple million. Unless I forgot math after all that time sitting in the cage with nothing but pain to keep me company."
"What, so you want us to believe you're better now? Fixed? On our side?"
"No. I'm not on your side, and I'm certainly not fixed. I'm on the 'not god' side, which just so happens to make you my allies. At least until Daddy Dearest is choking on his own blood."
"I'm not working with him."
"Aww, come on Sammy, you know you love me." Sam looked sick. Dean sighed. Her really didn't want to work with the grinning asshole either, but...
"Come on Sam, just until we kill God and fix Cas. Then we can throw the bastard back into his box and let him rot for the rest of eternity." Sam bit his lip, putting on bitchface 93. He seemed torn between wanting to gank the fallen angel and wanting to kill the God who caused the problem in the first place, then gank the fallen angel. The latter eventually won out, and the tall man sighed.
"Fine."
"Great! Let's get started then. The sooner this is over with, the sooner I can get back to my heathen lifestyle and piss on my father's memory," Gabriel clapped his hands, looking incredibly pleased with the prospect, "But first things first," Gabriel looked around conspiratorially.
"What?" Dean asked, unsure if he could survive dealing with Gabriel for long stretches of time.
"Lucifer. Give me another one of those lollipops." The mad archangel gave a long-suffering sigh and handed his brother the candy, this time an ugly shade of puce swirled with murky pond scum. Dean could almost feel his teeth rotting.
A/N: CHAPTER THREE YAY. So, just FYI, unless something weird happens, this will not be Sabriel OR Samifer. Because. Well. Just because.
