Author's Notes: Be warned, I wrote most of this while on a massive sugar high. By the way, pity me. I had to watch the Twilight trailer repeatedly online in order to get Bella and Edward's mannerisms right. If you don't want to see Edward, Bella, Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Twilight or Stephenie Meyer insulted, but have read this far despite my warnings and are offended… well, honestly, if you've ignored me this much, then I don't actually give a damn what you think. Flame away if it makes you feel better. You know I'm right.

)O(

Bellatrix followed them as the walked into the woods for no apparent reason. When they reached an appropriately secluded and geographically improbable clearing, Bella Swan stopped. Edward stopped, turning his head inexplicably so that the camera captured his heavily gelled and styled hair to its best effect. Bellatrix stopped.

"I th-think we are being followed," Bella Swan whined, in a wonderful impression of a depressed and hopeless seven-year-old.

"You unintelligent human girl," Edward said in his terrible faux-American accent. "If someone was here, I would be able to hear their thoughts. I cannot hear anyone's thoughts, so there is no one here."

"B-but I thought I saw–"

"Remember, Bella," Edward said, stroking her hair condescendingly, "you are a human girl. I am a vampire man. Obviously you are wrong and I am right."

Bellatrix groaned. Men!

"I heard s-something!" Bella Swan whined. "Look, there is s-someone standing over there!"

She pointed at Bellatrix. Edward turned around slowly.

He sniffed the air. He stared at Bellatrix, with an expression of great intensity that also resembled vague constipation. Then he ran away from Bella Swan and threw himself at Bellatrix's feet.

"I cannot hear your thoughts," he tried to scream, but succeeded only in speaking a slightly more angry sounding constipated fake-American voice, clutching the hem of her dress. "I have a paranoid urge to know your thoughts. Please be wine. I mean, mine. I love you."

"Edward…" Bella Swan whined.

"Let me watch you while you sleep while I try to figure out what you are thinking."

"Aren't you seventeen?" Bellatrix asked, mildly repulsed.

"I am one hundred and seven years old."

"Pedophile," Bellatrix muttered. "And people say the age gap between the Dark Lord and me is too big."

"Let me stalk you while pretending it's for your own good," he continued in a tone that was expressionless, although he was clearly attempting not to sound like a robot. "Let me manipulate you by withholding sex until you marry me. Let me demonstrate my ability to epitomize the abusive spouse. Let me obsess about what you are thinking. I want to learn."

"You want to know what I'm thinking?" Bellatrix asked, leaning down so her face was level with Edward's. He nodded intensely.

Bellatrix ceased to employ occlumency.

Edward suffered an aneurysm.

"How the Hell can he suffer an aneurysm? He doesn't have blood!" Bellatrix asked the narrator.

"He has blood when it suits God– I mean, Stephenie Meyer!" Bella Swan whined, while standing uselessly on the sidelines.

"Which explains how Bella Swan gets knocked up," added the narrator, inexplicably violating the fourth wall.

Bella Swan fainted at the thought of getting "knocked up". Bellatrix kicked her.

"You sleep with him?" Bellatrix wrinkled her nose. "He's an effing vampire. That's creepy. Even for comparative sluts like myself, that's creepy."

"Your lack of good Mormon morals has killed my true love." Bella Swan whined, heedless of the insult. "Your thoughts caused him to suffer an aneurysm."

"Yeah, well, he should know better than to poke his heavily made up nose into other people's brains."

"I love him." Bella Swan whined.

"Oh please." Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "You don't even know him. Didn't."

"I know him to the very depths of his soul!" Bella whined, in an attempt to sound literate.

"Oh yeah? Do you even know his favourite book?"

"Um… no."

"Colour?"

"No…"

"Former last name?"

"Don't think so."

"Then shut up," Bellatrix said, setting Edward on fire with a cigarette lighter. "Go jump off a cliff or something."

Bella Swan obligingly jumped off a cliff that had conveniently appeared next to where she was standing, because in Forks, geography ceases to exist.

"Vicky!" yelled Bellatrix, brushing the ash that had once been Edward off her hands. "I win! Now, I want to kill werewolves!"