"So, how did your meeting with Rachel go?" Dad shoves a piece of steak in his mouth and watches me from across the table. "I hear that nice Brittany girl is going to see her next week. She's not the sharpest tack in the box, but I'm sure she'd be a nice fit with you."
"Oh, they would be cute!" Carole chimes in. "Or what about that Santana girl? She's very pretty."
I try and keep my dinner down when I hear their names mentioned together. It's obvious something is going on there, but I'll never know for sure. Wouldn't want to reveal them as a couple and get them killed. "Well you see, ummm..." I don't have to finish. There's a loud banging at the door, and Burt stands to answer it with a furrowed brow.
"Why do people always need to interrupt dinner? I swear I'll- Oh." A man in a government uniform is outside the door with a stony expression. He hands one of the large envelopes under his arm to Dad, and leaves without another word. My dad just stares down at it.
I get up and approach him cautiously while Carole eyes us from the dining room table. "Dad. What is it?" I try and pry the envelope away from him, but his grip on it only tightens.
"Government summons. I- I think it's something about the war." He turns his back to us and opens it slowly. With a shaky voice, he reads from the first paper he pulls out. "'One male from every household must arrive at the nearest army base to fulfill a government-required draft.'" Dad turns back to me and I can see tears in his eyes. "I'm going."
"What?" My voice starts out small until the magnitude of his words hits me. "WHAT? No, you can't go! You just had a heart attack, you need to stay here and take care of yourself! You're-"
"Kurt Hummel, do not call me old." He wipes at his eye and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Your life is more important than mine."
"I'll be fine!" I'm lying, of course. I'm absolutely terrified, but my dad would think he needs to join the army even more if I said that. I don't know how well I can fight him on this. "Carole, please!" I say, turning to face her. "Please convince him that he's better off staying here!"
Carole is sitting at the table, mouth open and silent tears streaming down her face. "I- I- Oh god. I can't see either of you go!" She drops her fork and runs off to her bedroom, and we can hear the sobs that hit her even through the door.
Dad turns to me, an urgent look on his face. "Kurt, I forbid you to go. If I do it, they'll probably make me fix aircrafts or something instead of fighting. They're gonna put you right on the battlefield and if you don't die there-"
"What? What the hell do you think is gonna happen to me?" I glare at him through my hot tears.
"If they find out... what you are... they'll kill you anyway." He hangs his head, and I know what he's thinking.
"What, I can't act straight? I've fooled an entire town for years, you don't think I can control myself if I'm surrounded by men all day?"
"Keep your voice down!" he whispers back angrily. "Carole doesn't need to know, you know how worried she would be if she found out."
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, and you know how worried she'll be if her husband goes off to war."
Burt shakes his head. "I'm going, and you're staying her. I'll make due, and you'll live your life. That's all I've ever wanted for you."
He walks away, probably to go comfort Carole, and the discussion is over. At least, it is on his end. I refuse to let him go. Besides, I'll never get to live the life I want anyway.
A mist seems to cover the Hummel residence, stemming from a small gazebo in the yard. A spirit rises from the fog. Her icy stare is trained on a statue in the corner, which she approaches in a gliding motion.
"Puckerman," she says, starting quietly. "Noah. NOAH!" She slaps the figurine and lets it clatter to the floor, where it slowly morphs into a young man. "Puckerman, I understand that you are uninterested in anything that does not involve felonies or impregnating something, but now would be a good time to pay attention."
Puck shakes his head, trying to wake up from his long slumber. "What do you need, Ms. Sylvester?"
"Wake everyone up. Porcelain needs our help." Puck nods and grabs his drum, slamming on it as loud as possible. More spirits rise from the floorboards and flood from the walls, groaning about their aching joints. They assemble themselves around Sue, knowing exactly what to do.
"Alright, here's the deal. Porcelain's run off and joined the army. We all know that he is a fairy, correct?" Everyone nods, though some make faces at the thought. "Good. So who do we send to protect the kid?"
"We need someone smart," says Beiste. "Someone who can convince him to come back."
"No one wants to hear from you," Sue says, rolling her eyes.
Shannon opens her mouth to argue, but Lauren has already cut in. "We need to send the toughest person. Teach the scrawny kid to fight."
"No! Kurt's a love, not a fighter." Tina looks around with a frightened expression. "We need to send someone to comfort him." Everyone began murmuring their ideas, but Sue interrupts them all.
"We need to send our secret weapon." Everyone gasped.
"The- The Stone Dragon?" Mike asks, shaking with fear.
"Yes. The Stone Dragon. PUCKERMAN!"
Puck jumps awake. "Puckasaurus reporting for duty!" He shouts, stumbling on his tired legs.
"Go get the Stone Dragon. Tell him he must go and bring Kurt home."
Pucks eyes grow wide at the thought of confronting the Stone Dragon, but he nods and leaves the temple. "Wakey wakey!" Puck bangs at his drum, but nothing happens. "Come on you stupid thing."
The statue in the garden just sat their, unmoving despite Puck's calls. He huffs and gives the statue a swift kick.
All he hears is a crack.
"Oh, shit."
"Stone Dragon?" Sue calls out the window in search of the guardian. "Oh, good, you're awake."
"Yep, that's me, the great Stone Dragon!" Puck lifts up the damaged head of the statue and waves it in front of his face. "Time to go fetch Kurt, I'll be back later! Peace out!" He waits for Sue and the others to turn away before dropping the head and running. This is all his fault! It's worse than that time he led Uncle Andy to... you know, he didn't really wanna think about that.
The only way to avoid being KILLED by Sue is to bring Kurt back as a hero and – Oh. There's an idea. A tingle starts at the base of Puck's spine, radiating through his whole body until he turns into a little dragon. He takes a deep breath and scurries after the missing Hummel.
I stop to grab a drink and let my horse, Quinn, rest. We've still got a while to go before we find the army base, and these instructions are really vague. If only they would let us bring our cars! My GPS could've tracked down the army base in minutes, but they'd rather we bring other means of transportation that could be useful in war.
I'm whipping my gun around in circles, making sure to leave the safety on so I don't shoot myself in the foot or something. A loud noise causes me to jump and lose it.
"Who's there?" I ask timidly.
"It is I, your guardian!" The shadow of a beast hits the trees around me, and I cringe back in fear. "I'm here to guide you, and make you a war hero! I'll train you, and help keep your secret. As you know, if the army finds out you're gay, the punishment is DEATH!"
"Who are you?" I ask. This is all very hard to believe.
"I am the powerful, the wise, and the pleasurable dragon, PUCK!" A tiny lizard steps forward. Its red scales gleam in the sunlight, and it has a a dark stripe going from its head to its tail.
"A lizard? A lizard is gonna help me?" The tiny creature lets out a puff of smoke and glares at me.
"What were you expecting?"
"Not much, to be honest."
"Never heard that one before," he says with a wink. "I guess you got more than you bargained for. This is merely my... travel size." The self-proclaimed dragon began to quiver, and he became a boy right before my eyes. His red scales turned to smooth tan skin, and the stripe became a mohawk. He extended a strong hand. "Noah Puckerman. Call me anything other than Puck and I'll light your hair on fire. It won't be hard, with all that hair spray."
I'm reluctant to shake his hand, but I take it in mine anyway. I can tell Quinn doesn't like him. She lets out an angry whiny and backs away slowly.
"Tell your stupid cow to shut up, I promise not to make her into a hamburger or something."
I glare at him. "Quinn is a horse, thank you. She happens to be a great judge of character."
"Yeah, whatever." He starts walking away from me, towards the direction I assumed the camp was in. "Oh, and I brought you something." He whistles, and a tiny yellow bird flutters to my shoulder.
"Pavarotti!" My bird tweets a greeting to me, making me smile widely.
"Yeah, he wanted to tag along for the ride, I guess." Puck smirks at me as I hum a tune to my songbird, who sings it back to me. "Come on, let's go find that camp." He morphs back into a tiny dragon again and runs off into the forest. I jump on Quinn's back and go after him.
"Alright, this is it! Time to show them your manly walk. Shoulders back. Chest high. Feet apart. Head up. And... strut!" Puck pushes at the back of my knee, forcing me to awkwardly walk forward. I can tell people are staring, but I stare right back. Oh my gosh, did that guy seriously just pick his nose and EAT IT?
"This place is disgusting, Puck. Men actually act like this?" I have to clench my jaw to keep myself from gagging.
"Only the best ones! Now come on, Lance Bass. Go act tough."
I walk past a group of boys hitting one another. "Punch one of them, that's how real men say hello." I doubt Puck is right, but I punch one of them in the back (really I punched him because his haircut is a mess, but I'm not going to tell that to Puck).
The boy turns around, his blond hair sweeping over a pair of angry blue eyes. His friends, a lanky guy with glasses and a giant with a cute face, look at me with confusion. "What was that for?"
"I, uh... Sorry. Didn't mean to bump into you." I back away slowly, hoping I haven't caused a scene.
"Yeah, right. Girly prick," he mutters under his breath.
"WHO YOU CALLIN A GIRLY PRICK, TROUTY MOUTH?" Puck shakes his fist at the boy, who grabs me by the back of the shirt. I'm dragged back to their little huddle, where the blond stares at me with a malicious look in his eyes. He throws a punch, but I duck and he hits the nerdy guy in the nose.
"Sam, you idiot!" The boy lunges at him, and I get out of the way just in time. I start running, but they notice my absence almost immediately. It's my first day here, and I'm already being chased. Great, high school all over again. I duck and roll into a tent, and the boys crash into the large group of men in front of them. An uproar begins, and soon no one knows who they're fighting. They just wanna fight.
A short young man steps out of a nearby tent, and I can just see him out of the corner of my eye. His face is twisted in anger. "What's going on here?" He shouts in a surprisingly loud voice.
Everyone steps back in fear. That guy Sam points at me. "He started it."
The short man glares at me. He actually seems kinda young, maybe even a year younger than me. He grabs me under the shoulders and pulls me off the ground, even though I can't remember falling. "What's you name?"
"I- uh-" I sputter. Wow. He's... wow. The shorter boy has a strong chin and curly black hair. His brown eyes are drilling into me, but I can't help but notice the smile wrinkles at the corners of those chocolate orbs.
"Hello? What. Is. Your. Name."
"Oh, I'm uh.. Kurt. Kurt Hummel."
"Smooth. Real smooth," Puck whispers in my ear. I reach behind my back where he is hiding. I pretend to scratch an itch, but really I'm flicking him in the head.
"Right. Anyway," he says, letting go of me. "I'm Captain Blaine Anderson, I will be leading this... well, I use the term 'army' loosely. Be sure that everyone here will be punished for this outburst. But not now. Fall in and follow me."
The men around me fall into a poorly formed line, and we march after Blaine and one of his advisers. We're led to an open field where we stop in a line up.
"You will assemble quickly and silently every morning and await further instructions. Otherwise you will answer to me," Blaine calls out loudly, making sure everyone can hear.
"Oh, we've got such a tough hobbit for a commander," Sam snickers.
Blaine smirks at Sam, then pulls an arrow from the quiver his adviser holds. "Thank you for volunteering." He pulls the arrow back against his bow and shoots, letting the arrow fly up to the top of a wooden pole nearby. "How about you go get that for me, huh?"
We all laugh as Sam grumbles and moves towards the pole, but not before being called back by Blaine. "Don't forget this," he says, pulling out two heavy metals. "This represents discipline," Blaine says, tying it around Sam's wrist. "And this one is strength." The two metals weigh Sam down, but he makes a start towards the pole anyway.
THUMP. Sam hits the ground. He tries again, but with no luck. We all try, and my ass is killing me from the fall. Why is it that I'm already sore, but we have to keep going anyway?
Blaine throws us each a gun with a long barrel, then takes his shirt off and tosses it off to the side. Holy crap, why? Why did he have to do that? I close my mouth to keep from drooling as he starts twirling the gun, then plants it against the ground. I swing mine to try and do the same, but only succeed in hitting that guy with the glasses, Artie, in the head.
Let's get down to business
So pick up your guns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
out of you
Arrows fly past me as Blaine shoots each target. I can get my arrow to fly straight.
Tranquil as a forest
But a fire within
Once you find your center
you are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale
pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man
out of you
Why is this even a training activity? The other men pelt me with rocks, but I can barely fend them off with the thin stick I'm given. Now we're running from flaming arrows. Next we're balancing over a running river. Then I'm getting tossed around by Blaine himself! The only thing I can think through it all is Hey, at least my dad doesn't have to do all this.
You must be swift as
the coursing river
With all the force
of a great typhoon
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon
Everyone is ahead of me. It seems like they have been for days now. I can feel Blaine's eyes on me as I fall behind.
Time is racing toward us
till we must collide
Heed my every order
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
the rage of war
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a man
out of you?
He leaves me in the dark, leaves me to hate myself. There's only one way to become one of them. I need to get that arrow.
