(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: So Cameron was murdered. But who did it? (long pause) Who didn't do it? Seriously, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.
(FOREMAN exits.)
---
(IN CUDDY'S office. CUDDY is seated behind her desk; CHASE is standing behind her; WILSON and FOREMAN are sitting on the couch, and HOUSE is sulking in the corner, as far away from WILSON as possible.)
CUDDY: A horrible crime has been perpetrated in this very hospital.
HOUSE: You're telling me. There was no steak in the cafeteria today.
CUDDY: Okay, let's ignore the steak for now and get to the matter at hand.
CHASE: What's the matter with your hand?
(Laughter.)
CUDDY: (slams hand down on desk) Quiet!
(EVERYONE grows quiet.)
CUDDY: As I was saying, last night, I was in the hospital, swabbing down—
HOUSE: (interrupts) Chase?
CUDDY: (glares) No. I was swabbing the delivery rooms, and I saw Cameron. Someone stabbed her. Cameron is dead, guys.
(WILSON utters a high-pitched gasping sound.)
CHASE: No! She can't be dead!
FOREMAN: Crap, I have to turn in her, um…turn in OUR latest article by next week.
HOUSE: The harlot had it coming,
CUDDY: (sighs and puts her head in her hands) I see that finding suspects won't be difficult.
---
(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: Cameron's death threw the hospital into chaos. Well, kind of. Everyone wondered who did it and rumors spread throughout the hospital like, well, like that dead baby epidemic from a few years ago. The Princeton Police department was called in, but Tritter totally ignored the murder and tried to arrest the PPTH pharmacist for drug possession with intent to distribute. So Cuddy was forced to seek outside help.
(FOREMAN exits.)
---
(CUDDY'S office. CUDDY is seated at her desk.)
CUDDY: The Princeton Police Department's investigation went nowhere. Now, not only do I have to find Cameron's murderer, I have to hire a new pharmacist. I need help.
(singing)
Tritter's an awful police officer,
He got poor Marco
arrested.
He's made this whole thing even worse,
So I made some calls and requested…
The help of an old friend,
She was here
once before,
Serving as PPTH's legal counsel,
Who is it, you
implore?
Why, it's House's ex-girlfriend!
The one who
cut off his leg,
It was hard to get her to come here,
I
practically had to beg.
But she's on her way right
now,
She'll be here any minute.
If Stacy can solve this
case,
My gratitude will be infinite.
(STACY enters.)
CUDDY: Stacy! You're here!
STACY: (singing)
Indeed, it is I.
The answer to all your woes,
CUDDY: (singing)
I want to hear your ideas,
What do you propose?
STACY: (singing)
I'll find out who did it,
I'll question everyone!
CUDDY: (singing)
You'll
have time alone with House,
Don't have too much fun.
STACY: (singing)
This is all business to me,
I'm not thinking about Greg at all.
CUDDY: (singing)
Good, now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the mall.
(CUDDY exits.)
CUDDY: (from off-screen) There's a sale on low-cut tops!
(STACY gazes imploringly at the camera.)
STACY: (singing)
Fine, I'll tell the
truth!
I'm still in love with him.
I hope he takes me back,
Right now it's sink or swim.
I cheated on Mark for him,
And he told me to go to hell.
Will I be able to
change his mind?
Only time will tell…
(STACY exits.)
---
(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: So Stacy came back. She claimed to want nothing more than to find out who killed Cameron, but there was little doubt that she wanted House back. For one thing, she didn't even get a hotel room. She just set up a sleeping bag in House's office. Between that and the whole Cameron debacle, PPTH became even more of an insane asylum than usual.
(singing)
Two degrees from Hopkins,
And a 4-0 GPA.
Look where that's gotten me,
Look where I'm at today.
My boss is a drug addict,
Chase's shirt doesn't match his pants,
Doc Hamilton offered me a job,
I should've left when I had the chance.
Cameron cares way too much,
And Wilson always sleeps around.
I wonder if Harvard Med's hiring,
'Cause I've got the weirdest job in town.
DAVID SHORE: (from off-screen) Foreman, I'm not paying you to sing! Hurry up!
FOREMAN: Anyway, Stacy began to question everyone about Cameron. I was twelfth on the list, right after Chase, Wilson, House, Cuddy, Nurse Brenda, that one clinic patient with the cockroach in his ear, the eleven-fingered lawyer, the tranny nurse, the lady who cuts Cameron's bangs, Tritter, and that one janitor who works on the third floor. They ignore me so much I'm not even a legitimate murder suspect.
(FOREMAN exits.)
---
(One of PPTH's dimly-lit back rooms. STACY is seated at a small desk overflowing with papers. She is wearing a trench coat.)
(CHASE enters.)
STACY: Sit down, Doctor Chase.
CHASE: Hi, Stacy. I don't really think we have anything to talk about.
STACY: Just sit down.
(CHASE sits down across from STACY.)
STACY: Where were you the night of September First?
CHASE: I was at home, watching What Not to Wear.
STACY: Can anyone confirm this?
CHASE: Uh, no. I live alone.
STACY: Exactly! You live alone.
CHASE: Yeah. I do.
STACY: So you admit it!
CHASE: That I live alone? Yeah.
STACY: So you killed Cameron?
CHASE: No! Of course not.
STACY: You have no alibi.
CHASE: That doesn't mean I killed her.
STACY: But you wanted to.
CHASE: (exasperatedly throws hands in the air) Oh, of course I wanted to! I bet there's not one person in the hospital who didn't want to.
(singing)
First she was a stranger, a colleague, a friend,
Then she became my lover.
A woman such as Cameron,
Few men will ever discover.
Sure, she cared too much,
And always had to be right.
But she was kind, and wouldn't
Give up on me without a fight.
She was mature, and went through things
Not many people could hack.
And it didn't hurt that she
Was damn good in the sack!
I shouldn't have gotten her pregnant,
That was a big mistake.
I shouldn't have hooked up with Cuddy,
For losing Cameron makes my heart ache.
The day she hooked with Wilson,
Was the saddest day of my life,
I had high hopes for me and Cameron,
I was going to ask her to be my wife.
I was mad, I was furious,
I wanted both of them to die.
But I wouldn't ever, I could never
Kill her, and that is not a lie.
STACY: That's touching.
CHASE: Thanks.
STACY: You're still a suspect.
CHASE: Oh. Can I go now?
STACY: Just don't leave town, okay?
(CHASE nods and exits.)
STACY: Well, he could have done it. But so could, well, pretty much everyone else. This may be harder than I originally thought. (sits there, thinking and humming CHASE'S song to herself.)
(WILSON enters.)
STACY: Hello, Doctor Wilson. Sit down.
WILSON: Stacy, we're friends. Call me James.
STACY: Outside this room, we're friends. Inside this room, you're a suspect.
WILSON: (appalled) How dare you? I sent your dying husband a teddy bear!
STACY: Let's cut to the chase, Wilson.
WILSON: Why is Chase cutting himself?
STACY: (sighs) Where were you on the night of September First?
WILSON: I was in my hotel room.
STACY: By yourself?
WILSON: Yeah. Cameron was at the hospital, and House and I don't really talk much anymore.
STACY: You and House don't talk much anymore?
WILSON: Not since I started dating Cameron.
STACY: Does that upset you?
WILSON: (singing)
You know nothing of my
pain,
I feel like I lost a part of me!
House was my best friend,
But he was more than that, you see.
House and I were in love,
But our relationship was flawed.
I couldn't fully commit,
The whole thing was a fraud.
But now that I realize it,
I'd do anything for him.
The love we have is true,
It's by no means just a whim.
I was stringing Cameron along,
What we had was going nowhere.
When we started fighting,
It was more than I could bear.
But I didn't kill her!
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
I swear I didn't do it,
If only I had an alibi.
STACY: That was very moving, but I'm not convinced. You certainly aren't lacking a motive.
WILSON: Oh, it's Cameron! Who doesn't have a motive?
STACY: That is true.
WILSON: Can I go? Cancer won't just cure itself.
STACY: Don't leave town. I'll be watching you.
(WILSON starts to exit.)
STACY: Hey, Wilson?
WILSON: What?
STACY: Has House ever mentioned me?
WILSON: No, sorry.
(WILSON exits.)
STACY: Curses.
(CUDDY enters.)
STACY: Good afternoon, Doctor Cuddy.
CUDDY: Hi, Stacy.
STACY: Please sit down.
(CUDDY sits.)
STACY: So you were the one who found the body?
CUDDY: Yes.
STACY: What were you doing at the hospital that late at night?
CUDDY: Swabbing.
STACY: Chase?
CUDDY: Why does everyone just assume…? Oh, whatever. No, I was swabbing the equipment. Can't have any more of those dying babies.
STACY: Did anyone see you there?
CUDDY: It was midnight. There probably weren't that many people there.
STACY: So you could have killed Cameron and pretended to find the body?
(Music starts up, then stops after CUDDY stays silent for a while.)
CUDDY: What the hell? I'm not going to sing. This is MY hospital, and I do not need a moving musical number to prove my innocence to you, damn it!
STACY: (writes notes on a legal pad, muttering to herself) Refuses to sing…
CUDDY: Stop it! Damn all this singing to hell!
STACY: This isn't looking good, Doctor Cuddy.
CUDDY: (sighs) I finally understand why Doctor Foreman has tried to quit his job so many times.
STACY: What was your relationship with Doctor Cameron?
CUDDY: She was House's employee. I hardly ever dealt with her.
STACY: But she was dating your ex-boyfriend, whom you left to date Cameron's ex-boyfriend, after he got her pregnant so she wouldn't leave him, but then you and Wilson switched your baby with theirs.
CUDDY: Okay, but aside from that, I hardly ever saw her.
STACY: I think I've heard enough. I'll be in touch.
CUDDY: You are a terrible detective.
STACY: Hey, you're the one that hired me.
CUDDY: And for that I can only blame myself. (CUDDY exits.)
(HOUSE enters.)
STACY: (in her "sexy voice") Hello, Greg.
HOUSE: (backs away slightly)
STACY: Do sit down
HOUSE: Please don't do this.
STACY: Do what?
HOUSE: Try to seduce me.
STACY: But Greg…we had such a good thing going.
HOUSE: Until you CUT OFF PART OF MY LEG.
STACY: Potato, po-tah-to.
HOUSE: (singing)
Stacy, you betrayed me.
And I became very bitter.
So basically your leaving me,
Led to that thing with Tritter.
I couldn't take it after you left,
But I managed to move on.
Then you came back and I told you
To go back to where you belong.
I found love with Wilson,
But we couldn't make it work.
I'll admit it was my fault,
I was a huge asshole jerk.
I still love him though,
I'd do anything to get him back.
But I don't blame you for wanting me,
'Cause I'm really good in the sack.
STACY: Well, fine then. Where were you on the night of September First?
HOUSE: With a hooker.
STACY: Can you confirm this?
HOUSE: Yeah, here's her card. (hands a small piece of paper to STACY) Go ahead and give her a call.
STACY: You can go.
(HOUSE exits.)
STACY: (rips up the card) Like hell I'm calling House's woman of the night.
---
(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: The rest of Stacy's interviews didn't go well. Nurse Brenda tried to stab her with a pencil, the clinic patient screamed a lot, the lawyer's horrendous extra finger distracted her from anything he said, the tranny nurse hit on her, the hairstylist said that Cameron was a good tipper, Tritter tried to arrest a chair, and the janitor promptly quit his job. Now, it's my turn!
(FOREMAN leaves the narrator's area and enters STACY'S makeshift interrogation room.)
---
STACY: Hello, Doctor…um…Doctor…
FOREMAN: Foreman! Doctor Foreman!
STACY: Right. So, where were you on the night of September First?
FOREMAN: I was at my apartment, listening to some smooth jazz.
STACY: Anyone with you?
FOREMAN: No. I'm actually destined to be alone because of my tendency to push people away and other House-esque qualities.
STACY: How…interesting, Doctor Forearm.
FOREMAN: It's FOREMAN!
STACY: I'm sure it is. What was your relationship with Doctor Cameron like?
FOREMAN: (singing)
She got all the attention,
Though most of it was bad.
Everyone ignored me,
And it made me really sad.
STACY: No need to continue, Doctor Forehead.
FOREMAN: For the last time, my name is Foreman.
STACY: You stabbed Cameron with an infected needle, did you not?
FOREMAN: Well, I—
STACY: And stole her article? And told her that she wasn't your friend?
FOREMAN: (small voice) Yes…
STACY: This isn't looking good, Doctor Footman.
FOREMAN: Messing up my name is getting old really fast.
STACY: I'm sorry. It's just that I hear so little about you.
FOREMAN: Not my fault. Talk to the show's writers and those damn fanfic authors.
(FOREMAN storms out.)
STACY: This is shaping up to be my hardest case ever. Well, technically, it's my only case ever, but let's not nitpick.
---
(CUDDY'S office. CUDDY, HOUSE, and CHASE are seated on the couch while WILSON and FOREMAN stand behind it. STACY stands facing everyone.)
STACY: I've gathered you all here today to expose Cameron's murderer so she can rest in peace.
CUDDY: Thank God. It's about time this whole debacle was over.
STACY: As I was saying, Cameron's killer is right here in this room.
(EVERYONE gasps.)
STACY: The person who killed Cameron is….House!
HOUSE: You lie!
WILSON: How could you?
CHASE: Murderer!
FOREMAN: (silence)
HOUSE: No, seriously. You lie.
STACY: Do not!
HOUSE: Yes, you do. You're just mad because I wouldn't get back together with you so you're trying to frame me. I'm the only one of us with an actual alibi.
STACY: Well, so what? How dare you pick Wilson over me?
WILSON: You said that? (moves closer to HOUSE)
CUDDY: Oh, my God! Can you two please not reconcile right here in front of all of us? Stacy, tell us who killed Cameron or you'll be joining her in the land of the non-living.
STACY: You did.
CUDDY: Uh, what?
STACY: Okay, well, I didn't really solve the case, so I'm just hoping one of you confesses right now.
FOREMAN: Oh, hell! I did it! It was me!
STACY: Really?
FOREMAN: Yes! I was so sick of everyone being all "Cameron Cameron Cameron, let's pay attention to Cameron!" Do you know what it's like being the one that everybody ignores? YOU (glares at STACY) don't even know my damn name.
EVERYONE: (feels bad)
HOUSE: Sorry, Foreman.
WILSON: Yeah, me too.
CUDDY and STACY: (nod in agreement)
CHASE: Hell no! Don't apologize to this … this killer! I swear on my collection of hair products that I'll get you for this!
