In and out. Slow and steady. Sara's head was under covers, but she could still feel the morning warmth filtering from the window and penetrate through her blanket. It soothed her anxiety, but only just barely. Her internal monologue was speeded and clashing- ' I can do this... I worked really hard. I've practiced... I know my speech... My family is proud... I just have to get through today... I'm going to be fine.'- she breathed deeply and held the breath. The scent of vanilla and lavender filled her head and she felt instant relaxation. The breath released slowly and she felt tears leak. She chastised herself as she threw back her covers and wiped her face. She hated that she was always so sensitive. The shower untied her tense muscles and again she recited her speech. Punctuating every pause perfectly and smiling as though she was already on the stage. Turning eighteen the previous fall had at the time seemed like the most important day in her life; graduating valedictorian has quickly replaced that thought. Looking down at the robe and cords on her bed made the cartilage in her knees feel like slipping sand. 'In and out... Slow and deep... Breathe'. Looking in the mirror after obsession made her fall behind schedule, she sighed and felt the wave of resignation force the fear and anxiety away. This was common after intense panic. Sara would reach a point where she had exhausted herself. "Oh honey you look so wonderful!" Her mother doted as she walked into the kitchen. She smiled as she saw her father had already arrived. Her parents had divorced when she was young but they always did important events together as a family. "Thanks mum... Hi Dad!" Juice and food were offered but she refused. Her nerves might come back and she wanted nothing that might cause embarrassment today. As a child Sara was always the perfectionist. She had different clothes for school, play, going out to eat, and even just to go grocery shopping with her mum. Her mother was always hovering over her and it increased little nuances in Sara as the years went on. A therapist said they were an extension of anxiety and the craving of self control. From the early stages of being a toddler Sara demanded two of everything. Her mother and father protested, but it was a war lost. Sonia had made the decision to keep Sara's lost twin a secret. She was convinced that if she was never told they had been taken shortly after birth it would save her daughter the heartache. As the years passed her mother and father had many emotional conversations about the oddities that formed both her personality and mannerisms. They decided that unknowingly Sara was "holding place". Time sped past and Sara was repeatedly yet secretively tapping her fingers on the podium. She intentionally blurred the faces in the crowd and focused on the back of the auditorium. Almost done, she felt tears building. She was aware that everyone would think it was pride and fear at this important part of life... It was more. Anytime she accomplished something it never fulfilled her the way she had hoped. It became an obsession, and a brief stay in a summer eating treatment program was the solution everyone said was best. Things had gotten better the last year and she thought it would continue. But now, looking at the crowd she felt it again. Why was she never enough... Why was it always empty... Why would it never leave? Slow and steady... In and out. "Thank you for sharing this journey with us as we all step forward into an unknowing, terrifying, exciting, and overdue adventure". Applause filled the room and the tears finally started to fall. She saw her parents and they too had tears in their eyes. As she walked to her place in line Sara kept her wrist at her nose and slowly breathed in the relief of lavender and vanilla... It seemed like the only comfort she could count on.