Chapter 3

Saving you

The darkness takes him over,

The sickness pulls him in;

His eyes-a blown-out candle;

I wish to go with him.

Sometimes I see a flicker—

A light that shone from them;

I hold him to me tightly,

Before he's gone again.

-Lang Leav

"Is Mary still not here, mother?" Francis weakly said as he lies on his bed

"She's still in Paris, dear. The guards said that they will not leave until they find Lord Conde… "

"did you know? …That Conde is one of those who planned your abduction?" Catherine asked

"Yes mother… he was the one who… who—tortured me" Francis replied

"oh Francis, I know that the Bourbons have always wanted our crown but I didn't know they would go that far"

"Antoine wanted the crown… Louis on the other hand, wanted Mary for himself… he said he was doing it for Mary, he said Mary would be happier if she married him"

"you know that's not true" Catherine said

"I'm afraid that it's true, mother. If Mary has truly fallen for that man, I can't imagine the pain she will go through to put him to death, I know she has to, he committed treason and it's punishable by death, she knows that… I wish— arrghh" Francis was cut off by the sharp pain in his ear

"what is it Francis?"

"the pain, it's getting worse and worse every day… I don't think I'll—"

"don't say that, don't you dare say that Francis, you'll get better and all this pain will be over soon"

"I'll send for Mary, she will be here soon, until then, hold on… you hear me Francis? You won't give up now, I won't let you" Catherine said, she's pained to see her son experience excruciating pain, if she can, she will take all the pain away from him and she will suffer in his place instead, but deep down she knows she can't and the only person who can somehow make him feel better is miles away and is finding some other man.

~^oOo^~

Catherine wrote to Mary and convinced her that she is needed in the castle immediately; she arrived a day later and was received by her anxious mother-in-law.

"I'm very worried Mary, I don't know what's going on between the two of you but I hope you will set it aside for now and take care of him, he needs you" Catherine said as she walked the hallway with Mary towards Francis' chambers

"I know that but… I don't understand why you are being so anxious, you said he has recovered from his wounds and this only an ear infection—"

"it's not only an ear infection, Mary. He is gravely ill! I don't know how long he would last!" Catherine corrected

"what?" Mary said equally shocked and devastated by hearing the news

"there's an abscess that formed in his ear and the physicians feared that it will spread to his brain, he's suffering every day, the pain getting worse than the day before. The surgeon even suggested that Francis undergo Trepanation to reduce the pain" Catherine replied

"but that will do him no good, it will only make the pain worse! Have they tried other options, other medical treatment?" Mary asked the worry in her obvious emanating in the hallways

"they're doing everything they can but—the physicians said this has been going on for weeks, months even… Francis might have already experienced countless seizures in the past months but we were too blind to notice" Catherine said as she tries to remain strong for the both of them

"so what are you saying?" Mary said as her eyes widen and gets wet with tears that are threatening to fall any minute

"I'm saying that—that…Francis might not survive this" Catherine said as she heard the hurt and hopelessness in her own voice

"no… no that's not true… you're lying… I'm going in there now" Mary said as she quickly walked away from Catherine and rushed to open the door to Francis' chambers.

"Francis?" Mary said as her eyes searched for him in the room, she found him lying weakly on his bed, pale and looking tired, the glow in his blue eyes is still there but it's faint, and though he's weak he tries to sit up to get a better look of her, he smiles as he sees her, flashing his bright white teeth

"Mary? You're here" Francis said delighted, it's been a month since he last saw her and he missed her terribly since, the last time they talked, he informed her of his plans on annulling their marriage, she wasn't happy to see him then but she sure is happy to see him now, somehow, Francis hoped that Mary might still feel something for him and for the first time in a long time he felt that she's not anymore indifferent towards him.

"I'm here" Mary said, finally letting the tears fall from her eyes, her voice soft and soothing in his aching ear

"Why are you crying? Has Claude argued with you again? Oh don't mind her Mary… she can be so impulsive sometimes, I told her not to be mean to you again and—"

"it's not that, Francis… I'm just glad to see you" Mary said as she tried to make their conversation formal and not awkward, she wipes her tears and forced a smile on her face

"really?" Francis said like a delighted child, he didn't expect Mary to be so… warm towards him, the last time he saw her she was throwing him glares that pierced his heart, he's glad that there is no more hatred between them.

Mary just stood there stunned by his reaction, she didn't expect him to be so delighted to see her… after everything she's done.

"oh sorry, I didn't mean to… creep you out… uh—will you come closer?" Francis asked, his eyes seemed to beam with his lips but the glow in his eyes was gone as soon as it came when Mary didn't move an inch on the place where she is standing, Francis realized that she might still be uncomfortable to be near him after what happened

"oh… I'm sorry Mary, I didn't mean to—it's okay if you stay there" Francis said trying to still sound gleeful, he just sits up properly on his bed so he will get a good view of her from there, he feels a sharp pain from his ear that seems to slice through his head but he ignores it, Mary is there now and nothing else matters

Mary just remained still for a couple of moments, she stares at him with awe on how he still loves her and on how he tries to remain strong for her despite his illness

"no it's okay… can I… sit beside you?" Mary finally said as she smiled but there's a hurt in her eyes as she walks towards him and see how much his body changed, he's wearing his white sleeves that now appeared too big for him and his body has gone skinnier and paler in the past week.

"of course" Francis said as he let out a bright beam on his face, quite like the smile he gave her the day she said that she'll save her from his enemies, that they'll go to Scotland and rule there

Francis adjusts to the left as, Mary sits on his right, he's still very careful to not accidentally touch her, and the last thing he wants is to remind her of the happenings of that night

"it feels forever linked to you, and to us" rings in his head and his guilt for what happened resurfaced

"are you feeling better?" Mary said as she noticed that Francis moved slightly away from her as she sat near him, she don't know why but she feels guilty for making him feel and act that way

"yes, I'm fine… now that you're here" Francis said as he throws her a reassuring smile

Mary just looked down and felt tears streaming down her cheeks

"Francis… I'm sorry" Mary said as she reached for his hand and squeezed it, Francis was shock at first but he smiled as he squeezed her hand back

"no, Mary, it's not your fault… I'm sorry for the things that happened, for the things I've done… the lies I've said—"

"Francis, I understand now why you did those things… I was wrong to blame it all on you… it was also my fault—"

"No Mary, please… please don't blame yourself, I—" Francis said but was cut off when the pain in his ear grew more painful, he shut his eyes tight and unknowingly squeezed Mary's hand even tighter

"Francis, what's wrong?" Mary said in panic

"nothing, I'm just—"

"Francis, don't shut me out… not now, your mother already told me about your illness… you don't need to hide it from me, please" Mary said as she leans closer to him

"I never meant any of these to happen Mary, I never meant to leave you like this" Francis said, sorrow and pain in his voice

"but you won't leave me Francis, you'll get better and you'll be a good king… a great king even" Mary said as she tries to be optimistic for the both of them

"I won't make any promises to you Mary, you told me once that I stop making promises that I know I can't keep and that I shouldn't give hope for you and take it away again—"

"please Francis, fight it, you're strong, you can survive this… I will be here with you… for you"

Francis just stroked Mary's cheek and spoke

"I love you, Mary" Francis said as he tenderly rubs his thumb to her cheeks, Mary cried even more as Francis wiped away her tears

"you don't have to say it back… I know these past few months have changed everything but my love for you will never change even if you don't feel the same way anymore—"

Mary continues to cry beside him, unable to even respond to what Francis is saying, she's just too overwhelmed on how and why Francis still loves her despite everything, he should despise her for leaving him, for not being there when he needed her, but no… instead, he still loves her deeply and unconditionally… she feels as though she doesn't deserve any of it

"I have written a letter for you… please read it when I'm gone, I know it might be hard but—"

"please Francis, don't speak like that…"

Another pain is drilling in his ear and he tried to spare Mary the pain that he's suffering but failed miserably, she looks at him with concern and he can sense that seeing him suffering only brings her pain and guilt.

"Francis, you need to rest… we'll talk tomorrow morning, okay?" Mary said as she lets go of his hand and starts to walk away

Mary wants Francis to ask her to stay, she wants to stay with him and watch him as he sleep, she wants to remain by his side, but she knows that won't make up for the months they spent apart, for the hurt she caused, she knows she doesn't deserve him anymore.

Francis is pained to see her go, this might be his last time to see her and he doesn't want to part with her yet, it's too soon, and though he knows he's being selfish to do it, he asks her anyway.

"Mary wait… will you stay with me tonight?" Francis said trying to not make Mary uncomfortable but still sounding hopeful

"of course" Mary said without hesitation

Francis struggles to stand up and get off the bed, and when he was able to stand on his own feet, he felt his knees grow weak and wobbly

"Where are you going?" Mary asked

"You can take the bed, I will sleep on the sofa" Francis offered

"oh… uhm—it's okay Francis, we can sleep on the same bed" Mary asks almost awkwardly

"will that be alright with you? I don't want to force you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Mary"

"you are not forcing me into anything that I do not want, Francis" Mary assured him and walks towards his bed

"go to bed now and I'll be there later, I'll just change in my night gown back in my chambers" Mary said as she leans closer and kissed him tenderly on his cheek, like the way she kissed him back on his son's nursery, the day she gave him her blessing to claim his child

"you promise?" Francis said as he holds on to her, they have never been this close since that night and it feels so good to have her in his arms again, it felt like home, she is his home.

"I promise" Mary said teary-eyed

"I'll be back, I promise" Mary added as she slowly takes a step back and let go of his hand, Francis throws him a smile and weakly sits back on his bed, his eyes following her every move.

Mary breaks down as soon as she entered her chamber, she can't stand seeing Francis hurt and she even hates herself more because she can't do anything about it. She wiped away her tears and quickly changed into her night gown, as soon as she's done, she rushed back to Francis' chambers not wanting to leave him alone even for a short while.

"Francis?" Mary said as she entered but this time, no one answered.

She found him on his bed already silently sleeping, his chest slowly rises and falls as he breathes, she carefully lies beside him and watched him closely, she didn't know she was crying until she noticed that her pillow is wet with her tears.

~^oOo^~

The first thing Mary saw when she opened her eyes were Francis' blue eyes, she stares at him for a second and smiled.

Francis returned his smile but both his beam and the lively look on his eyes faded the next minute.

"Francis what's wrong?" Mary said, panic and worry rushed in her veins

"I never wanted to hurt you Mary, in any way, especially not like this. The day Bash and I dispatched Montgomery I went home with guilt for what I've done… but I also felt hopeful, I thought with Narcisse's blackmailing gone, we can finally start over, that day I decided to do everything for you to forgive me... to make up for my mistakes, I'd take back the edict and I thought everything will get back the way it used to be, but I was wrong Mary, I was already too late. I wasn't able to protect you from them but also from myself, my love for you has brought you pain and suffering... and sorrow and now look at us, I've hurt you in every possible way... I failed Mary, as your husband, your king, I wasn't even able to give you an heir, I'm sorry Mary... I hope when I'm gone, you'll have a better chance with love... because I know you deserve more than what I've given you."

"No please don't say that... I don't regret anything Francis, if I have to do it all over again just be with you, I will" Mary said as she caressed Francis' cheek, he did the same and wiper her tears

"I can't ask that from you Mary, I won't."

"But I want to, Francis...but if we get to do it again I hope I'm just a girl and you're just a boy... you'll be a blacksmith and I will... milk goats?" Mary said as Francis smiled at her

"And then we'll have children, we'll name them James... and Anne. I will teach them to read and write and you'll teach them your skills and at night we will all lie on the same bed, bodies next to each other, with a thick blanket to make us warm." Mary continued as Francis watched her both with love and pain… pain because deep down he knows they will never have those things… now they're left with only words of 'what ifs' to hold on to.

"We won't have a castle, titles, jewelries and gold... but we would be happy, just you and me and our little family"

"Francis?" Mary said as she noticed the pained look in his eyes, though she suspects that it's not only emotional pain but mostly physical, his eyes fell back to her but he seems distracted, it's as if he's slipping away right before her very eyes.

"stay here, I'll get the physician" Mary quickly gets off the bed

"no please, stay with me, Mary" Francis said as he holds her hand tight, refusing to let her go the slight movement makes him feel exhausted rather quickly, his breathing is slow and labored and he acts as though he's catching his breath

"Francis? Francis I'm here" Mary said in panic, but Francis seemed to not hear her, she grabbed his hand and she noticed that it is slightly colder now than it was a minute ago.

"Francis I'm here, I'll stay here... I'll never leave you"

Francis finally looks back at her and with all his might, he lifted his hand and caressed her cheek.

"Promise me you'll be happy" Francis said weakly but he managed to smile as he spoke the words

"No please don't, I won't be happy without you, don't leave me Francis please"

"I love you" Francis said as he tried to smile despite the little strength he has left, his eyes slowly closed as Mary looked at him with shock and horror

"No no no please"

"Francis open your eyes, Francis?"

"Francis please, look at me... open your eyes, please... Francis? Francis!"

"say something Francis, please talk to me..." Mary said as she pulls his head closer to her chest

"Francis? Francis! Francis please, I love you... come back"

"You told me you'll never leave me..."

"Francis?"

Mary said as tears unceasingly fall from her eyes, she can feel her chest tightening as she calls his name in between sobs

"Francis don't leave me" she said as their foreheads touched, her tears falling to his cheeks, she grabbed his hand and squeezed it ... but he never squeezed back.

"Mary? … Oh dear Lord" Catherine said as she entered the chambers, her hands covered the gasp that escaped her mouth, her tears fell without notice, Francis' advisers soon entered the room, witnessing the heart breaking scene. Soon enough Mary heard something emanating in the hallways

"The King is dead, long live the king!"

"No that's not true, Catherine please tell them to stop it, he's just resting... he'll wake up soon, you'll see" Mary said as she tries to stop the announcement that is ringing in her ear, breaking through the wall of her made up fantasy

"It's not true, it's not true" she said silently to herself

"Oh Mary dear... come" Catherine said as she offered her hand to Mary, she knows her son would have wanted her to comfort his now widowed wife.

"No, no! Francis said I stay with him, I will not leave his side" Mary insisted

"Mary please leave him in peace, he's in God's hands now-"

"No! He's not in God's hands, he's still here!"

"He's still here, do you not see him Catherine?"

"Francis is just lying there and he'll soon wake up and recover"

Catherine just closed her eyes and swallowed

"Mary I know it's hard, but you need to let him go-"

"You're cruel... how can you say that, how can you—pretend to be strong at a time like this?"

"Francis would have wanted me to be strong for you, Mary... he loved you so dearly and it would have broke his heart to see you like this" Catherine said as her eyes seem to blur as she blinks while tears wet her eyes

Mary looks at Francis again not seeming to mind Catherine's presence; she kissed his forehead and lied beside him

"You can leave now, Catherine. I'll just wait here until he wakes up" Mary said as she pulls the blanket higher to Francis' chest.

"Mary…" Catherine said with empathy

"Please Catherine, leave me be" Mary said as she stares at Francis, her tears are still falling from her eyes but she doesn't seem to mind, soon enough the exhaustion compels her to close her eyes and she fell asleep without meaning to.

~^oOo^~

Mary tries to reach for Francis but she's disappointed to find the cold, empty space on their bed.

"Francis?" Mary said, still confused, her eyes then fell to Catherine and asked her immediately

"where is Francis?"

"Mary they—" Catherine calmly said

Mary sensed the hesitation in her voice and asked again

"where is he?" Mary demanded

"they took away his body when you were asleep" Catherine sadly said

"what?" Mary said in complete shock

"he's not dead, he can still recover… he… he—told me he'll never leave" Mary said, her voice cracking as she spoke

"please Mary, don't do this to yourself"

"where is he now? He told me to stay with him, at his side… where is he, Catherine?" Mary asked, though it was a demand from Catherine, it sounded more like a plea, like she was begging her to say that it isn't true… that he's not really gone.

"they took him to the infirmary" Catherine finally said, she walked towards Mary and handed her a letter

"but before you go, please take this… Francis said that you might not read it but take it anyway, it's one of the few things that you have of him, Mary… don't let it go to waste"

Mary opened the letter carefully and read it as soon as Catherine left the room… her hands are trembling and her tears began to fall again as she sees his handwriting…

Dear Mary,

I don't know if you will be there in the last moments of my life, but if you weren't, I forgive you. Though I admit that I would have given anything to see you for the last time, to hold your hand in mine, to touch and tell you that it's going to be alright but most importantly to tell you that I love until my last dying breath and maybe even beyond that, but deep down I know I am being selfish, it will hurt you so much to watch all that, no matter what happened between us I never wanted to see you suffer. I'm sorry Mary, for all the hurt I have caused you, I know I don't say it enough but I really am. I want you to know that I never wanted to leave you, especially not like this, believe me Mary, I've fought hard for my life, but it seems like my body cannot endure such pain for so long. I hope you don't blame yourself for my fate Mary, don't wreck yourself with guilt, whatever brought me to this, it was my fault alone, let yourself heal, be happy and move on, you deserve that.

Lately we've been distant to each other, I admit that I was hurt and you on the other hand, allowed yourself to move on. Now I've come to realize that maybe that is a good thing, seeing that your attachment to me is not as deep as before, perhaps my death would not hurt that much to you. Do not worry Mary, you're strong, so… so headstrong, that's one of the things that I admired most about you. And by that I know that you'll be okay even when I'm gone. If your past hurts too much, leave it behind and look forward to the future. Someday you'll meet someone and you'll fall in love with him, you'll marry for love and have a family together, he'll cherish you and love you and listen to you and he'll give you all the happiness you deserve in the world, you'll be so happy and contented and as soon as you know it, your past will only be a bitter memory, I will only be a bitter memory. You're still young Mary, you still have many chances to love again. The day I made you my wife I knew it was too good to be true, I knew I couldn't be that lucky to have you, and I was right, I was born for you, Mary, but you were born for someone else, I have to accept that. Someone out there deserves you more than I do and I pray to God that he'll love you more than I did, that he'll always put you first and that he'll never hurt you. I know our marriage was brief and painful, but don't let that discourage you from finding love again. I hope this time you'll both do it right, I hope the man you'll fell in love with will not make the same mistakes that I did, whenever I see you hurting I know that you deserve more than to have a husband like me. I hope the next time you marry it won't be for your country but for yourself, I hope you won't regret it as you did with ours. I want you to be happy Mary, and I know you will be.

Remember when we were younger and we used to play that game where I was blindfolded and I had to listen to your voice in order to find you amidst all the other girls? Even with my eyes closed, I've always known where you were, I've always known which voice is yours, but I didn't want the game to end so quickly so I made you wait, but you were so impatient you would pull my blindfold off and ran away, you were so angry because you thought I was not able to find you, but I did find you Mary, I will always find you, wherever you are, I will be there. I guess one of the reasons why I made you wait when we played that game is that I loved teasing you, I loved seeing your face almost red with anger and then you will walk away and I will say sorry and appease you and after that, you'll forgive me and we become playmates again, but more than that, we were best friends. The day you went to the convent I vowed to you that I will wait however long to see you again and for the first few months of your absence I was so lonely that my mother would always invite other children to play with me, but I pushed them all away because all I ever wanted was you, because in my heart Mary, you never left. One day I passed by my father's chambers and I overheard his conversation with mother, he said he was not sure if Scotland is the best option, he said our marriage is not sure and that there are other terms that need to be considered. I was shocked and hurt, I didn't know what to do, not being with you was painful enough, I couldn't bear it anymore if I lose you forever… so I decided that the pain should stop, I decided to let you go and let myself move on. I admit Mary, I used other girls to forget you, to erase you in my mind so that the pain will stop, as a child I didn't know what I felt for you, all I know is that I'm happy when I'm with you and I miss you when you're gone, but now I know that what I felt for you is love, I have loved you from the moment I saw you in that carriage, I have loved you even when you still have skinny legs and a missing front tooth, I love you then and I still love you now. You are my first and last love Mary, you are my only love, I might have went to other girls for comfort but you are the only one that holds my heart, if I were to be born again, I would still choose to love you, I would be willing to experience all that pain all over again just to love you and be there for you. Like the light of dead stars Mary, my love for you will still be there even when I'm gone and I hope you will feel it every day for the rest of your life.

I am yours, Mary, but you are no longer mine and I accept that, I may not be remembered and revered in history, but you will be. I know you will be a great Queen, in fact, you already are. No matter what you do in the future, know that I support you because I believe in you. I know I once said that we do great things when we act as one, when we work together, I was quite wrong, you do great things even without me Mary, and I know you will continue to do that. You were not just my wife, you were also the Queen of our people, and I couldn't be prouder to be your husband and King even for a short period of time.

Farewell Mary, my Queen, my wife, my only love.

Forever and always yours,

Francis