A/N: This takes place at least 2 years after the 1st chapter… and as always, I hope you like it.
Carter helps Reese say goodbye.
Letting Go, Holding On
Carter's Apartment
Carter was in the mirror finishing her makeup when her cell phone began to ring. She gave herself a last once over before turning out the bathroom light and rushing to her bed where her phone lay.
"Carter" she said in a huff.
"Good morning Detective."
"Good morning John" Carter returned in a suspicious voice. "I haven't had my coffee yet" she continued before he could give her his latest request. "I haven't even left the house."
"Breakfast on me then and you can even order coffee" Reese offered.
"Coffee and breakfast? Are you adding bribery to your list of offenses" Carter teased.
"No bribery. Just coffee and breakfast with a friend."
"I have to drop Taylor off to school. Lyric's in 30?"
"Works for me."
Carter smiled as she disconnected the call.
Just coffee and breakfast with a friend
She was not sure when it happened. Maybe there was no particular point that could be targeted. Maybe it was something that just happened, moment by moment, bit by bit, case by case. But it happened. They had become friends, were still becoming friends, genuine friends who had learned and were still learning to count on each other, to trust each other.
"Ma!" Taylor pulled Carter from her thoughts. "I'm gonna be late!"
"Drop that tone boy... I'm coming!" Carter replied as she slid her phone in her pocket and reached for her gun holster.
Lyric's
"Are you ready to order sir?" the waitress asked.
"Not yet. Excuse me" Reese said as pulled out his phone.
Carter
Sorry. Traffic is bad. Will be there in 10
"I'm waiting on someone" Reese looked back up at the waitress. "She will be here in about 10 minutes."
"OK then" the waitress smiled. "I'll come back then."
Reese watched as the waitress walked off then he turned back to his thoughts. He was at a crossroads and he was not sure which way to go. He was not even sure why or how he got to the crossroads in the first place. All he knew was that he needed to decide on something and he could count on Carter for help.
Eleven minutes later, Reese watched as Carter walked toward their booth.
"You're late Detective" Reese teased as Carter slid into the booth.
"You're still paying for breakfast" Carter retorted with a raised brow and a smile. "So what's up? You must want something really big if I get breakfast with my coffee."
"That hurts Carter" Reese joked. "You think all I want you for is intel?"
Reese was not sure why he chose that phrase and decided to ignore any subtle meaning that might be lurking behind it.
Carter's ears perked up but like Reese, she chose to ignore the radar that said there was more to the meaning behind his words.
"Coffee" the prompt waitress was a welcomed interruption.
"Yes please" Carter and Reese said in unison.
"Are you ready to order?"
"Give us a minute" Carter said as she opened her menu.
"Sure thing. I'll be back in a few."
"Do you know what you're getting" Carter asked Reese as she perused her options.
"An omelette."
"Sounds good" Carter said as she continued searching the menu. "But I think I have a taste for pancakes."
As promised, the waitress returned in a few minutes and took their orders.
"So what's up" Carter asked after the waitress left their booth. "Everything OK" she asked, concern filling her voice because she sensed this was more personal than business.
"How's your case with the murdered family going" Reese turned the conversation back to Carter.
"Haven't shaken much loose. No leads, no idea what the motive could be. The husband and wife both have clean records but I'm not comfortable yet putting this down as a random killing."
"Maybe Finch can dig up something on them and make some connections you can't see."
"Yeah" Carter smiled. "I am getting desperate and was thinking about calling him."
"You know he loves it when you call" Reese smiled.
"Yeah" Carter laughed. "So he can rub it in my face and say" Carter began. "Why Detective Carter, are you asking me to hack into someone's personal information."
Reese laughed out loud. She did a pretty good Finch and he loved snarky, comical Carter.
"Well he does have you there Detective" Reese continued to laugh.
"Yeah, yeah" Carter feigned annoyance. "One day I'm gonna arrest you both."
I'm already surrendering to you Detective
Reese's laughter subsided a bit. He frowned slightly and wondered where that thought came from.
"How's Taylor doing? Has he heard back from any of the schools he applied too" Reese said.
"Not yet and he's anxious. He thinks he's going across the country to school but he's got another think coming" Mama Bear Carter proclaimed.
"He's not a little boy anymore Carter" Reese admonished as he took a gulp of his coffee.
"I know but that's just too far away" she insisted. "You all are still going to the Knicks game Friday right?"
"As long as a case doesn't get in the way."
"Will you talk to him, try to convince him that he should go to school on the East coast or even better right here in New York" Carter begged.
"You know I'm not going to do that and you should be ashamed of yourself for asking" Reese grinned.
"You are such a traitor" Carter said irritably. "But you're right" she sighed in the next breath. "I wouldn't dream of stopping him from going. I just wish he'd decide to go somewhere close."
"You can't baby him forever."
"Why not" Carter asked the irrational question because she was not giving up without a fight.
"Because he's a grown man" Reese pointed out the obvious.
"Not yet he isn't."
"Give it up Carter."
"Like I said… turncoat" Carter hissed.
"You know I'm right" Reese grinned.
"Whatever" Carter retorted and Reese laughed.
Their breakfast came and they continued to talk about Taylor as they ate. Once that topic exhausted itself, they talked a bit more about the family murder case and then went on to discuss a few of Carter's other open homicides.
After they finished eating and the waitress cleared their plates and left the ticket, Carter thanked Reese.
"Thanks for breakfast. Next time it'll be my treat."
"It might have to be my treat" Reese said sheepishly.
"So the breakfast does have strings" Carter said, thinking she got it wrong and this was business not personal.
"No strings but I do need to talk" he said quietly.
"I need to go over to the 82nd precinct to talk to a detective about one of my cases that could be linked to one of his."
"We can talk later" Reese said immediately.
"I'll call over there and tell him I'll be late."
"You don't have to do that" Reese insisted.
"I know" Carter smiled as she reached for her phone.
Reese watched Carter as she dialed. It was still incomprehensible to him that the woman sitting across from him had become his friend. A friend he could depend on and one that he could trust… with everything.
"Detective Moreland please" Carter said as she looked back at Reese and smiled. "Hey Bunk its Carter… yeah I'll be late for our meeting… OK. I'll call when I'm on my way" she said then ended the call. "Now" Carter said, her full attention on Reese. "I'm all yours."
Carter was not sure why she chose that phrase and decided to ignore any subtle meaning that might be lurking behind it.
Reese's ears perked up but like Carter, he chose to ignore the radar that said there was more to the meaning behind her words.
"I've been thinking about Jessica a lot lately" Reese began.
"Good thoughts I hope."
"You were right" Reese said. "It does get easier."
"Memories can be a good thing" Carter smiled.
Reese returned the smile as he searched for the words to explain what he was feeling.
"I'm holding on to Jessica and I feel like…"
…
…
"Like its holding you back? Like you're stuck in the past" Carter offered.
Reese nodded as he held back the threatening tears.
"It's OK if you let her go John" Carter said softly. "Saying goodbye to Jessica doesn't mean you will forget her."
"I feel like I'm walking away from her again" Reese said, the pain and guilt in his voice clear.
"And you feel guilty for even thinking about saying goodbye" Carter ascertained.
Reese tilted his head slightly and lowered his eyes from Carter's gaze as he clasped his hands and rested them on the table.
"Hey" Carter said as she reached across the table and laid her hand over his. "John…" Carter said when Reese did not lift his eyes to her. "John" she implored him again as she rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. "Look at me."
A few moments passed before Reese lifted his eyes.
"Let it go" Carter begged gently. "Let it go… all of it" her soft eyes entreated him.
Carter's words, spoken so gently, so sincerely, were a lifeline to that part of him that was drowning in guilt, pain and shame over Jessica. However, Reese did not think he could stretch himself enough to grab hold of the preserver Carter was offering him.
Carter could see Reese's struggled and she reached for his hands with her free one. Taking his left hand into her right one and his right hand into her left one, she spoke.
"I know it's not an easy thing but you can do this" Carter assured him.
"You think so?" Reese said, hesitation and doubt permeating his voice.
"I know so" Carter returned, faith in him infusing her voice.
Several moments passed between them as Reese struggled to take hold of the faith Carter had in him.
…
…
…
"Will you go with me…" the words left his mouth before Reese knew what he was saying. "To Jessica's grave?"
"Are you sure you want me there" Carter asked.
She was not needed in the intimacy of the place where he was going.
"I want you there" Reese said.
He wanted her in the intimacy of the place where he was going.
"Then I'm there" Carter said without hesitation.
The Cemetery
They walked silently toward Jessica's grave. As they got closer, Carter slowed her pace until she came to a complete stop. She watched as Reese continued the rest of the way until. When he reached the grave, Reese kneeled down next to the headstone.
"Jess it's me" Reese began as he laid the flowers on the grave.
…
…
"I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to come" he said as he lovingly ran his fingers over her name. "I hope you aren't too disappointed in me for acting like a coward… I've been afraid to come because… because I blame myself… I wasn't here to help you. If I had come like I promised… maybe things have been different."
…
…
"I brought my friend Joss. She's helping me a lot and she's helping me to forgive myself…. I hope you can forgive me too."
…
…
"Jessica…" Reese began.
I know it's not an easy thing but you can do this
…
…
"I'll never forget you" Reese said softly then took a deep breath.
…
…
"Goodbye Jessica" he wept in a nearly inaudible whisper.
Those 2 words made Reese feel as if his heart had just been ripped out. All the longing, all the pain, all the anger, all the guilt, all the shame welled up inside of him until he could no longer hold back the unshed tears.
His agony exploded inside of him and Reese began to cry in earnest as his tormented soul sought for release. Carter watched as Reese began to shake and she hesitated only a moment before rushing to his side.
Sinking to her knees next to him, she watched as tears streamed down his face as she gently put her arm around his shoulders. Instinctively Reese turned and leaned into Carter and let his head fall on her shoulder. Carter wrapped her other arm around him as she laid her check against his forehead.
He was safe in her arms. There, in his haven, he did not have to fight; he could let his guard down completely... and he did.
Suddenly Reese let out an anguished cry as his tortured soul screamed for escape. His tears became hotter; his anguished cry became louder as he held on to Carter in this painful journey.
His tears became heavier and his cry more anguished as the longing, pain, anger, guilt and shame began to pour out of him.
If it were possible Reese's cry became even more tormented when Carter pressed her lips against his forehead, tightened her embrace around him and began to rock him slowly.
…
…
…
As the fire of his longing, pain, anger, guilt and shame began to subside, Reese's cry became softer.
Carter began to rub his back and her affectionate touch soothed Reese. With each stroke of her hand across his back, Reese felt the torment weaken until he felt the beginnings of something very comforting.
Letting go of Jessica, holding on to Carter…
The deadness inside of him was finally being overcome by the promise of something new and alive on the horizon.
