"Late, late, late. Alice, you are late, late, late. You are very, very late indeed." The Mad Hatter mumbled while reading a tattered old copy of "Alice In Wonderland".

"Quiet, you delusional milliner! I have to keep my brilliant mind focused on my notes!" Riddler barked at Hatter.

"Shut your ass up, Nigma! This is the few moments of peace and quiet I get!" Cash yelled at Riddler.

"Why of course, Officer Cash! I am nothing if not a law abiding, not to mention intelligent inmate! My, but your hook looks particularly shiny today!" Riddler patronizingly gushed.

"Ooh Eddie, are ya' friends with Cash now?" Harley mockingly inquired with a pink bubble between her lips which popped in front of Riddler's face.

Hatter went berserk upon getting a glimpse of Harley's blonde hair.

"Alice! You are here! Oh Alice, you were late late late, but it's ok now! I now have tea for two, which I'm going to share with you! Oh please Alice, I don't show any malice. Please come with me and... Oof!"

Cash had dragged him by the collar and cuffed him.

"Alright, Tech, that's enough reading for you today." Cash said as two guards led Hatter out of the library and back to the cells.

"No, please! I must have my Alice, please let me stay! I promise I'll behave! Come with me Alice!"

"Bye bye, Dr. Tech!" Harley said cheerfully while waving and standing on her toes.

"He's a real funny guy, huh?" Harley asked Riddler, pink bubble still between her lips.

"You are late, Miss Quinn."

"Yeah, I'm sorry! Mistah' J had me beat up a bunch of Falcone's guys with a lead pipe this mornin' and Boles was at me the whole day!"

"You are 30 minutes late, this is hugely unacceptable and is a clear sign of disrespect to me, The Riddler... Uh, I mean, your teacher!"

Harley was reading her Bugs Bunny comic again before Riddler snatched it out of her hands.

"Hey! Give that back!"

"How dare you read this infantile garbage while I'm lecturing you?! You are never to do something as disrespectful and insulting to me ever again!"

Harley crossed her arms and pouted, a furious glare sparked in her eyes.

"If Mistah' J didn't need you, I would've bitten your ear off by now!"

"Really? Well, it just so happens that your master has commanded you to learn from and obey me!"

"Mistah J is not my master! He just... screams at me a lot and orders me around all the time and hits me when he can't kill B-Man and...

"Please cease with the domestic Greek tragedies. Unlike Zeus, I do not have time for trivialities such as a spat between lovers."

Riddler took out a pile of papers and a pen.

"Now, as punishment for your blatant disrespect and severe tardiness, you must copy the words 'Edward Nigma is the greatest and most magnificent man who has ever lived.' 100 times." Riddler smugly announced as Harley's jaw dropped.

"But! But you can't!"

"Oh yes I can. I am your teacher and more importantly, your intellectual superior. And this is how you learn."

"But Eddie..."

"And from now on until the end of our lessons, you shall address me as 'Mr. Nigma, sir'."

"Eddie, this is the dumbest..."

"Miss Quinn, if you cannot get the most basic of honorifics correct, then I do not see a point in furthering our studies together." Riddler said, seemingly giving up as he got up to leave.

"Wait!" Harley cried with her soft hand on Riddler's arm.

"There's got to be a way I can make this up to yah'..." Harley whispered seductively as she stood up and pressed her body against Riddler's.

"What in the hell is going on here?" Cash thought out loud.

Riddler sighed with a tone of disappointment in his voice.

"Miss Quinn, I was under the distinct and now currently questionable impression that you were not the air-headed and common idiot that you pretend to be in order to please your master." He rebuffed harshly as he pushed her away.

"And if you must carry on with this painful charade, I respectfully request you leave me out of it!"

Harley knew that she was supposed to feel insulted, angry even, but all that has passed. Now, all she felt was disappointment at the fact that The Riddler didn't want her.

"Fine, whatever you say Mistah' R." She sighed disdainfully as she sat down, staring at the papers.

"I'm not one of your clown boyfriends! It's Mister Nigma, sir! Not...

"I'm callin' ya' Mistah' R, take it or leave it!" Harley barked as she ripped up the papers.

"You can't..."

"You can't order me around anymore! We aren't supposed to be teacher and student! We are supposed to be equals!"

"Equals? Ha! Ha! Ha! We are hardly equals, Miss Quinn. Just because I acknowledge that you're not as intellectually challenged as you seem does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that we are..."

"Can we just stop this and start learnin'? This is supposed to be a fresh start for us."

"Very well. If you must insist on being an impatient and undisciplined and bad student, we shall begin with the basics.

Harley sighed as popped her bubble once again, her hand on her cheek and her head turned to the side.

"It all begins with the three keycards. The Asylum's security system is protected by three keycards carried by the most trusted guards in the Asylum, one of whom is that unjumped, one-handed cutthroat, Aaron Cash. I have no knowledge of the whereabouts of the other cards but I'm sure Joker will take care of it."

"Mmm hmm." Harley said with barely any attention as another bubble formed between her lips.

"Spit out that cohesive piece of confectionary, Miss Quinn." Riddler flatly said.

"Wha'? No!" Harley stubbornly refused.

"Spit it out, Miss Quinn"

"Or what? Are ya' gonna take it from me?"

"Spit it out."

"Make me."

"Miss Quinn...

"Why don'tcha take it from me..." Harley stuck her tongue out with the gum on the tip.

Harley placed her hand on Riddler's messy head of hair and pulled his head close, less than an inch away from hers.

"Mistah' R."

He could literally smell her sweet and strawberry scented breath, still fresh from the bubblegum.

"Aww yeah, you like that don't cha? You dirty little minx. Come on, go for it!" Penguin whispered lasciviously, discreetly watching from below.

Riddler paused for a moment, staring at Harley who had her eyes closed and her tongue still extended, before daintily plucking the gum from her tongue and sticking it right on her forehead.

"Wha'! Hey! That's cheatin'!" Harley screamed indignantly while removing the gum from her forehead.

"I do not cheat, Miss Quinn, I artfully obfuscate! You presented me with two options, and I, The Riddler, brilliantly created a third option!" Riddler said with an air of playful superiority.

"Aww, you're no fun!" Harley complained.

"Bloody hell, Nigma! When a bitch like that wants to snog ya', you take it! And I was about to get off on it, too!" Penguin yelled.

"Blubberpot? You pervert! I told you to stay away from me!"

"Alright Cobblepot, get your ass outta' here!" Cash ordered.

"Cash, I'm not done with you yet! I still remember what you did to me and my men! I'll...

"Get him out of here!" Cash ordered his guards who dragged Penguin out of the library kicking and screaming.

Riddler and Harley shared another laugh at the sight of Penguin's misfortune. After the laughter died down, Riddler spoke up.

"Miss Quinn..."

"Hmm?"

"If my studies of human behavior serve me correctly, you were attempting to persuade me to... kiss you?"

"Well, actually I was going to bite your tongue and then kiss ya', but yeah, that was the general idea."

"Why?"

"Well, my puddin's great and all but he ain't all that interested in... couple's recreational activities."

"What?"

"He doesn't like it when we get close."

"Please cease with the poor metaphors."

"We haven't slept together since forever!"

"Well, that goes without saying, we all have our own cells after all... Oh, you mean coitus!"

Harley looked as frustrated as Riddler slowly pieced her metaphors together.

"Yes, Eddie. Coitus."

"But why would that idiotic madman refuse you? I mean, you're highly attractive by objective human standards, and I quite frankly find sexual attachment disgusting but it simply doesn't make any sense!"

"Really? Do ya' mean it, Eddie?"

"Mean what?"

"That I'm attractive."

"Well, of course, anyone who doesn't suffer from some kind of vision paralysis of some sort can see that! From what I can gather, big and expressive blue eyes are beautiful and red and full lips are attractive as well. And since you have both, I would make the logical assumption that you're attractive."

"Aww... Eddie! That's the sweetest thing someone's ever said to me who didn't have a gun to his head!"

Harley leapt up and planted a kiss on Riddler's cheek.

"Argh... Thank you for that display of gratitude, I see you are finally learning how to show respect for your intellectual superiors."

"I love you too, Eddie." She said sarcastically.

The pair spent the next two hours discussing their plans to hack the security system.

"...And furthermore..."

"Eddie, I'm tired, can we finish this tommorow?"

Riddler looked incredulous at her state.

"Oh, very well. Even geniuses must take a break every once in a while."

Riddler looked at the clock and saw that it was nearing 7 PM.

"It's almost dinner time, we have to get to the cafeteria."

Plop.

"Oh, joy. Is this the leftover sewage waste from last night?" Riddler asked the inmate serving the food.

"Move it, Nigma!" Cash yelled at him.

Riddler sighed and joined Harley at their empty table.

"Great food, huh Eddie?"

"Only if your taste buds are as primitive and deteriorated as Killer Croc's."

Harley giggled at that.

"Where's that mad clown? Isn't he supposed to be here with you?"

"Oh, Mistah' J got in an argument with Zsasz and he kind of cut his face."

"Who cut who?"

"They cut each other up."

"What a shock."

"Yeah, and they're both in solitary confinement tonight."

"Most unfortunate for you, what with Cobblepot and his carnal instincts creeping about."

Harley glanced up and saw that Penguin was lustfully gazing at her from afar.

"Ew."

"Yes, indeed. Does The Joker have people to protect you?"

"It's alright, Eddie. I can take care of myself, I'm tougher than I look!" Harley said proudly.

"Yes, I've seen you in combat before. But you had your primitive mallet then, and that was against 3 men. Cobblepot has over 10 men."

"Eh, I'll manage."

"I don't think your acrobatic skills will aid you much."

"Everyone always underestimates the promicu-less bimbo." Harley said with a psychotic smirk as she washed down her potatoes with a glass of water.

The inmates finished their dinner and Harley began walking back to her cell with Riddler nowhere to be seen.

"You slutty little minx." Penguin blocked Harley's path, looking up at her.

"I appreciate the compliment, Blubberpot. Now, piss off! You're in my way!"

Harley tried to walk past him, but his arm blocked the way.

"I like you, Quinn. I like the way you wear your hair..." Penguin whispered as he stroked her large pigtails.

"And the way you carry yourself when you walk..." He began rubbing her hips.

"Thanks but no thanks, Blubberpot." Harley kneed him in the crotch as hard as she could.

"Argh!" He screamed.

Harley started running, but was faced with 3 of Penguin's goons. She did some back flips and kicked them in the face, before cart wheeling the other way and breaking their arms. Eventually, 5 more goons appeared and held her down.

"You broke me bloody balls!" Penguin bellowed in pain.

"Good, I hope it hurts!"

Penguin grabbed himself a handful of Harley's hair .

"Your clown isn't here to save you now. Tonight, you belong to me." He dived his pointy nose into her hair and inhaled deeply.

"Go to hell!" Harley spat at his face.

"Ooh feisty one, aren't ya'? Boys, let's take her to Croc, I'm sure the clown wouldn't mind!"

They began dragging her off before...

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Cobblepot." Riddler declared, appearing from the shadows.

"And why shouldn't I, Nigma?" Penguin sneered.

"There's 8 of us and only two of you, give me one good reason why I shouldn't have me boys feed you to Croc?"

Riddler put his hands behind his back and began walking calmly towards Penguin.

"True, you could take me to Killer Croc, but why would he listen to you?"

"What do you...?"

"If he finds out that you were the one who told Batman where he was hiding underneath the sewers of The Industrial District, what do you think is going to happen to you when he breaks out?"

"Wha... How do you?"

"How else can you kill me, hmm? You don't have the bravery nor the will to slay me right here and now."

"My boys will...!"

"Your minions don't have the nerve to punch a guard in the face, let alone spill a drop of blood!"

"I'll... I'll take you to Zsasz!"

"And why would he listen to the man who cheated him out of his money in the first place?"

"I'm having a word with Bane...

"Bane?! Oh please, Cobblepot! You tried to have him killed twice and he knows it! Not to mention he's locked up in the lab as we speak..."

"How do you know all this?!"

"Simple. This is my method of survival, I learn the deepest and darkest secrets of people and I reveal them when the opportunity presents itself. It's what I've been doing since I came to Gotham. Now, let her go, you Napoleon complex suffering midget, or does molesting a woman make you feel big?"

Penguin looked like he was about to burst.

"Let her go."

They released Harley from their grip.

"I may not be able to kill you, Nigma. But I can hurt you. REAL bad. Get him boys!"

"What the hell's going on here?" It was Aaron Cash, right on time.

"It's Captain Hook! Run!" One of the goons yelled. Soon, Penguin was the last man standing.

"You bloody wankers! I'll have your family jewels!"

"Burlow! McCarthy! I think it's time we teach this little man some manners!" Cash said menacingly while pulling out his nightstick.

"No! Wait! Please!"

Penguin disappeared under the violently moving bodies of the guards who were beating him with nightsticks. Riddler seized this opportunity, grabbed Harley by the wrist and ran back to the cells.

"How'd ya' do that?"

"Do what, Miss Quinn?"

"You just said words and he stopped."

"Didn't I tell you, Miss Quinn? I'm simply too clever to die!"

They shared another laugh at that.

"Well... Thanks for saving me from Blubberpot back there, I can't imagine having that thing grind on me while moaning in that accent of his. 'Oi, you harlot, you're so bloody tight!'"

They both chuckled at her poor imitation.

"Do not flatter yourself, inferior mind. Do you think my valiant rescue was out of intrinsic charity? I merely did it as you are vital to my escape!"

"I love you too, Eddie." Harley said earnestly before planting a final kiss on Riddler's cheek.

She turned around and walked back to her cell with Ivy waiting.

"What the hell was that all about?" Ivy asked with a quizzical expression on her face.

"Maybe that Eddie isn't such a bad guy after all." She said dreamily.

"I can never understand these meat sacks." Ivy sighed as she climbed into her isolation chamber.

"Bye bye, Mistah' R! I'll see you tommorow!" Harley exclaimed while waving and getting into her cell at the same time.

The Riddler turned around and started walking back to his cell. He collapsed on his cot, exhausted by tonight's events.

"How'd the lesson with Harley Quinn go?" Harvey asked, from his cell.

"It was... enjoyable and amusing." Riddler replied with a faint smile on his face before falling asleep.

Two Face, in his cell, smirked, satisfied that he had guessed correctly.