The sun just hanging there out the window, getting all caught between the tree leaves, mostly evergreens. Late afternoon hazy light and I'm sipping red wine with Joey. We were having dinner. I'd already called Jesse on my cell and told him I was in Calgary. He didn't know that was where Craig went for rehab so the name of the town meant nothing to him.
"I'm glad you came," Joey said, sipping his own glass of wine, "it's good for Craig,"
"Is it?" I was so far from knowing what was good for any of us. This might be the worst thing.
"Oh yeah. Of course. He needs his friends right now,"
I liked the way the sun looked, all late summer hazy gold, liked the slightly bitter taste of the wine though wine tends to give me a headache. Liked being here with Joey because he was a link to Craig. 'You are pathetic' the narrowed eyed mean girl who lived curled up in my brain hissed at me, and as usual I had to agree with her. Craig had loved Ashley. I know he did. Aloof and cool Ashley. That didn't quite describe me. Craig had loved Manny, in a different way but he still did, always going back to her like the siren on the rocks.
I wished he loved me.
"I worry about him, you know? He's getting older and, there's more choices, and I…I just worry,"
I felt bad for Joey. Craig seemed to be making a lot of bad choices. One bad choice, maybe. One mistake. Was that so hard to forgive? Because at the airport with him I wanted to never forgive him, cut him clean out of my life, have some pride for once. Have some pride when it came to him. Why did he make me want to act so foolish? I shook my head, sipped my wine, listened to Joey's voice as he told me how much Craig worries him. I nodded in perfect understanding.
My mind drifted back to the summer I hung out with Craig, every day, and it was so hot in that garage of his. Sometimes then I was so happy, pretending he was developing the same feelings for me that I was feeling for him. Living in my own pretend little world and sometimes it crashed around me, and I saw that he was still in love with Ashley. Caught him looking at her picture once. I wanted to rip it up.
I wanted to believe what he said at the airport, that he meant it when he said he loved me. I wanted to believe him when he kissed me backstage at the concert. But I was faithless.
I had more wine because Joey offered it, and my mother tried to guilt me, the guilt mother who also lived in my head.
"Craig's not a bad kid," Joey was saying, "but he's had a lot to deal with," I nodded. I know he did but I did, too. I wasn't using cocaine, I wasn't lying to everyone and about everyone, I wasn't, wasn't doing any of those things.
Night time. Night time at last, inky darkness pressing on the car windows as I drove back to the rehab place, barely able to remember my way on the unfamiliar roads. It was too late to visit if they had visiting hours but I'd make something up. I was good at lying if I had to. It was all lies anyway.
Past the guard with some paper thin story about leaving and only having tonight to see him, a fabric of lies and half-truths that somehow worked and gained me admittance.
"Ellie?" Craig said, my name half a question and half surprise, "what are you doing here?"
He was in his room, dressed in the flannel pants and t-shirt he wore as pajamas. Maybe I'd woken him.
"I…I don't know," I just stood there like an idiot and the voice in my head that tried to keep me in line shouted at me, 'why don't you leave him alone!' I had no answer. I had no answer for anything.
"I had to see you…I guess," Lame. I looked at my stylish pointy shoes. What the hell happened to me? I used to dress exactly how I wanted, I didn't care what anyone thought, now I was dressing to impress people, dressing to fit into the business world. My hair was sleek and stylish, too, no more tiny braids and wild colors. My make-up was subdued. No more black or blue lipstick, charcoal black eyes. I was tired of being subdued. Tired of being stuffed into this little box to please everyone else, even Craig. Maybe especially Craig. For a split second standing in front of him I wanted myself back, the me I was before I ever even cared about him.
He stood near his bed, rubbing his eyes, blinking at me. I was sick of these games. With my index finger I followed the slightly raised line of a scar on my arm. That had been a better way of dealing with things, the cutting, better than lusting over and yearning for this boy who wouldn't want me.
"I'm sorry, Craig. I shouldn't have come. I'm gonna go," I turned to walk away but he held my arm.
"Ellie, wait. Listen to me. I meant what I said. I love you. I do. The coke, that was stupid, it was stupid but it doesn't change it, it doesn't change how I feel. It's hard for me, though. It's hard for me to say it…I don't know why," he sat on the edge of his bed still holding onto my arm, "sit, okay?"
I sat. I liked the warmth from his hand encircling my forearm.
"When I was seeing Ashley, I loved her, you know? But I couldn't tell her. I just couldn't,"
I licked my lips. I remembered this now, 10th grade when he was dating Ashley and she would tell me how she didn't think he loved her, not like how she loved him. He would never say it.
He shook his head, let his hand slide down my arm until his hand covered mine.
"Maybe it's because of my parents, my mom dying and my dad…maybe because I loved them and they left it made it hard to say it to other people. I'm really fucked up, Ellie, more than you know. I hide it. I hide a lot of it and I needed to do those drugs, and coke wasn't the only one…but I am trying to stop. Honest to God I am. But I love you. I do. Even though I'm afraid to say it. It's the truth,"
