Me: HOO am I having fun writing this…hee hee! What can I say? Fred is simply amazing. Here's some more of his secret diary…don't tell anyone I have it…he might have my head on a pike.

Disclaimer: A "poem", by me:

A writing cop pulled
Me over the other day
And took my
poetic license,
So this isn't going to
Rhyme at all…
It just looks like it does.
I don't own Namco,
Though I wish I did.
Freakyanimegal
Owns Fred the Cricket's
Demented soul.
I own what I write,
Not what I write about.

Merry Christmas to all! (:


---Day 190---

Hahahaha! They have not found me out! That's right diary, I was successful in my endeavors! This is a time for celebration, my friend. George might even get the day off. But notice the might. He still has not lived down the mushroom incident…blast, there I go again mentioning it! Now I have to go and hunt down all the mushrooms in the city until they are all burned for their transgressions! HAPPY MUSHROOMS WILL DIE!!!

Oh, and mustard will die as well. Yes, the Spirit Saru will pay for making me put mustard on her sandwich! The vile yellow…crap…will perish, along with all mushrooms that stand in my path…they will burn with in the visage of my flame-thrower's power!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! DIE, DEVIL SPAWNS OF SATAN!!!!

AAH! There is a mushroom on the counter!!! It is staring at us, diary. It is suspicious. And there is mustard in the fridge…it has overheard us planning its demise! It must die! I must leave you diary, for there are mushrooms and mustard seeds to murder…

---Day 191, early morning---

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have killed all the mushrooms in the vicinity and burned all the mustard in sight! I revel in their ashes! And once again, I have chosen to blame George for the incident, even though he couldn't pick up a flame-thrower for the life of him. Once the humanoid beings awaken, they will discover their kitchen has been raided of all mushrooms and mustard…and the ashes will be found in the sink! George will be found on the scene with a flame-thrower at his feet, and the Eternal Swordsman and his fellows will blame my personal scapegoat for what I have done! Hahahaha, poor unfortunate George. A being with a conscience might feel pity or even guilt, but I only find laughter at his plight. George will pay for NO REASON AT ALL! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

---Day 193---

As I have been staying beneath the floorboards of the place where the humans live, I have noticed that they seem to have an addiction. An addiction to mushrooms. They keep purchasing more and more at that "grocery store" of theirs. And mustard. They all seem to like it on their sandwiches, except for a select few sane ones. I am shaking with anger. How dare they bring mushrooms and mustard into my sight! I will show them…wait…diary, there is a plan formulating in my mind! And…oh yes! It is evil! It is so evil…they like their mushrooms. They love their beloved mushrooms. And I will take the mushrooms from them! Yes, I will have my minions raid their kitchen on Spontaneous Tuesday of all mushrooms and mustard, and I will park the white van out front…Jiminy will open the door and SWOOOSH! Mustard and mushrooms will be kidnapped! And I will demand…something! What is it that those evil masterminds always demand? Oh yes, money! Moneymoneymoneymoney! I will demand large amounts of money in return for their mushrooms and mustard…and once I receive the money…I will not give them back the mushrooms and mustard ALIVE! Ahahahahaha! Soo evillll…and they will not suspect. Oh no, they will not suspect that their mushrooms and mustard are about to be kidnapped and held for ransom…and I WILL BE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE! And I will launder the blame to George (whatever that means). Everything will be his fault. The mushrooms, deep fried and fully dead, will be discovered at his feet! And I will burn the mustard alive at the stake for all of its yellowy nastiness! I'll show them to taunt me…FRED THE CRICKET IS NOT ONE TO BE TRIFLED WITH!!! Do you hear me, diary?!?!?! Do not tempt me or taunt me, or so help me I will strange you with silly string!!!!!

---Day 195---

The plan was successful! There was a crackhead in their midst who missed his mushrooms dearly…none of the rest of them seemed to care for the loss of the mustard. The mustard has been burned at the stake for crimes of merely existing in my presence. I grilled the mushrooms alive on the Wonder Chef's Magical Grill of Wonder (what kind of name is that for a grill, anyway?) and cackled madly as I did so. The mushrooms had it coming. And the idiot beings handed me the money as I requested…or rather as "George" requested, since I placed all the blame on him. He was most cooperative, considering his life was at stake (literally – he had a bomb placed on him, the blasted betrayer cricket). I do not know why I requested money be given…but I did not need a reason. Evil masterminds do not need reasons to be evil. We just are. And any who question us (including you, diary) will be fed to our pet sharks.

Speaking of pet sharks, diary, I have decided that I need some. I have been watching those Austin Powers movies and felt a kinship to Dr. Evil. I need a shark pool, with a button that will activate it and drop all intruders into it. It would be most convenient, and I can gloat about it in conversation. And any who tresspass upon my HQ will be at the mercy of the sharks. And hungry turtles. We need hungry snapping turtles. There are essential. I don't know why they are essential, but they are. I need a pet snapping turtle. GET ME A TURTLE, DIARY! OBEY YOUR OWNER!!! GRAAHHH!!!!

(Fred thrashes his diary about the room, beating it up and tearing out various pages)

---Day 198---

I do not feel sorry about the beating I gave you, diary. You brought it upon yourself. I laugh at your pain. Ahahahahahaha! Ahem. However, diary, I am seeing a therapist under the request of my minions. They all seemed to think that it would help me. And it has, oh diary mine, it has. I have calmed…but only slightly. I am still bent on world domination. Not even my ridiculous therapist can deprive me of that conviction. I will rule the world…and all who stand in my path – mustard and mushrooms especially – will be torn apart to pieces by my new pet sharks. Yes, diary, I now have a shark tank. And even a button that controls a trap door that drops into the tank. And their feeding times are far and few between because I desire to keep them savage and hungry. They seem to enjoy pizza particularly. Odd for sharks, no? And they do seem rather sophisticated, now that I observe them…now they are playing poker with eachother. Pfft. What kind of sharks are these, anyhow? I must call the shark-repairman and inquire of this odd occurrence…he has given me defective and passive sharks! They're probably vegetarian! BLAST! Why is everything going awry?!?!?! I NEED PIZZA!!

Alright, diary, I have called the pizza man and requested Dr. Pepper along with my cheese pizza. I have threatened to slit their throats with a rusty license plate if they do not keep to their word to deliver it in thirty minutes or less…and if they deliver it in ten, then I shall give them a tip for being extra-fast. Ugh, how very unlike me…I'm getting soft, diary. I'd blame my psychiatrist/therapist, but everything is George's fault.

---Day 200—

NOOOOOO!!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! Even now, I still mourn for the loss of my cheese pizza!!! But I have my Dr. Pepper, and I have you, diary, and I have George…but I don't want George. George can go and chase a cliff for all I care. My pizza is gone…and I am sad. And angry. I will make those damned half-elves pay some day…THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!! How DARE they take my cheese pizza!!!!

Perhaps I'd best explain, diary. You'll want to know the details, even though I am loathe to recount them. I had my pizza delived in less than twenty minutes. I did not give them a tip, for they went over my tip-limit of ten minutes. Ungrateful ingrates…at least they got to keep their heads. Anyway, diary, the next part was horrifying. My base was infiltrated. The smell of my cheese pizza must have wafted through the floorboards. They evaded my sharks, though I do not know how such a thing could come to pass. Blasted passive sharks, not doing their job! I ought to have them outsourced to some obscure country!! It was the Mind Saru and her imbecile of a father…and they took it! THEY TOOK MY PIZZA! They broke down the door screaming "CHEEEEESE!" at the top of their lungs and snatched my ultra-cheesy pizza away from me! It has been two days, and I am still weepy over the incident…but I am more angry than I am sad. I will get back at them…THEY WILL PAY FOR CROSSING FRED THE CRICKET!!!! THEY WILL PAY!!!!! GRAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

---Day 205---

Bwhahahahahahaha! I've done it! I've gotten those cheese-crazed half-elves back! It took me five days to enact and formulate the plans, but I've succeeded! And when they wake up…ooh…I must have pictures. I will send one of my minions to capture the event on camera. Their faces will be priceless! PRICELESS I tell you PRICELESS!!!! Ahahahahaha, I can't wait! I will write more later, diary…for now I must wait in anxious silence until they awaken. Hehehehehehehehehe….Fred the Cricket strikes again!

---Day 205 (later)---

Yes! Yes!!! YESSS!!!!! It has worked! For once, deary diary, my plans were not foiled! And there they are, screaming their heads off….muhahahahahaha! They will never suspect me, the innocent Fred the Wonder Cricket. Oh no, not the sweet Fred. He's too stupid and small to accomplish something on such a grand scale. Oh how wrong they are, diary…how wrong they are…

I suppose I must explain. You are probably confused, diary. But you will soon be laughing your head off…first, diary, I waited until late at night. Then, I snuck into their kitchen and stole my cheese pizza back. That was first priority. It involved some very high-tech equipment and lots of stunts that I'm sure you would be scared to even attempt, so I shall spare you the details. But I succeeded, and I managed to do it swiftly and silently with the help of my minions. After their refridgerator was successfully infiltrated, I hired a Marachi Band to go and wake the imbecile half-elves up and lead them to the kitchen. I forgot to mention, diary, I had hired some old help from the rats next door to come and eat all the cheese they possessed. They were angrier than I'd even seen them…mwhahahaha! Those blue-haired half-elves didn't know what to do! And while they were staring in horror as their precious cheese was consumed, I ate my pizza and laughed at their pain! Muhahahahaha! The next part was the best, though…as I predicted, they started to attack the rats with various brands of pesticide. Then, as they had their back turned, I pushed the button that I had installed on my spinney-chair of doom. And you know what that means, diary…yes! It sounded the emergency alarm, which summoned my Cricket S.W.A.T. team and they attacked the Mind Saru with…yes, diary…you guessed it…CATNIP! And as you know, the Mind Saru's animalistic form is that of a cat…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She still has not recovered!!!! Ah, it was brilliant, diary. And my Cricket Bomb squad is celebrating with more Dr. Pepper and cheese pizza. I love my job…


Me: …Fred has problems. Serious problems.

Fred: (shocked) Cricket!!

Me: Don't deny it, Fred, you know you have issues.

Fred: …Cricket. (nods regretfully)

Me: Sorry that it's so short again. I couldn't stuff any more into it. It would've just made it…blech. But eh, it's still okay. Right? Right?!?!?!? RIGHT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!! I NEED TO KNOW!!!! MARRRGH!!!! (goes crazy for no reason)

Fred: …Crickee crickety cricket. (Translation: And she thinks I have problems…)