Chapter 03
The fish was going to need a bigger tank. Helena studied it for a moment, using her glasses to magnify her vision. The action was almost second nature to her now. They had offered to correct her eyesight at the medical facility but Helena had denied them, refusing to allow the staff to work on her vision. There were some things she wanted to keep about herself. To keep whole regardless of the imperfections of the past.
And she liked her glasses. Helena had a feeling that she would look really funny without her hair if they took her spectacles away from her as well.
And this modification is awesome.
Still keeping her upper arm relatively tight against her chest, Helena tentatively raised her right hand to touch the glass, looking at the way the fish swam away from it, or tried to. It looked like an exotic betta fish. She had kept quite a lot of them in the life before. She had been somewhat of a fish enthusiast and wondered sometimes what it said about her, that fish keeping was among the things she took the most pleasure from in life.
I like to watch, not interact.
She snorted at herself and was secretly pleased that the fish came closer to investigate the finger she had not removed from the glass.
There was a rather loud noise from the living room, as if someone had pushed against their coffee table. Helena looked up and saw that Rinn had returned. She looked awkward as she stood there in the middle of the room, rubbing her shin briefly before she straightened, her features hesitant as she gave Helena a tentative smile.
"It jumped in front of me I swear," her friend said embarrassed, but Helena couldn't help but wonder if she had kicked the table on purpose to draw attention. The ginger didn't miss the way her friend wrung her hands, her left hand's fingers playing over the scars that was left of her right.
"Have you thought of a name for it yet?" Rinn asked, trying to sound cheerful. "What about Robert? I've always liked the name."
Helena smiled, but dismissed the idea immediately. She used to name her fish after whatever she was busy with. If she was reading, the fish would get a name from the book that she had in hand. If she was playing games, the fish would get a name from there.
Robert had no meaning to her, no connection. In her mind, she'd just end up calling the fish Bob which was only a fraction better than Blasto as was her initial plan.
That would be too embarrassing. I can hardly go about advertising the fact that I've become obsessed with the show.
"Not quite," she said and took a step back so that she could lower her face to the glass. A link between me and my past self. "I think I have something."
Her friend came closer, her eyes bright. It had taken Helena a while to figure out that naming things was very important to Rinn. That it made objects unique in her mind. Helena had always attributed it to her Sensing side.
"Oh," Rinn said and finally her slow approached stopped at the opposite end of the kitchen counter. Their apartment wasn't big and essentially had four segments. It had two bedrooms on opposite sides of living room. Helena realised later that she should probably have given Rinn a choice as to which one she would've wanted. As it were, she had chosen the one closer to the bathroom, for no reason other than her poor vision in the dark. Helena really didn't want to stumble across the living room whenever she wanted to do a midnight run. The attendant who had shown her and Liara the apartment the week before had assured her that most of the rooms were relatively soundproof. These apartments had been designed for cohabitation, not necessarily family living. As Helena understood it, a lot of the rooms were rented by students from a nearby college. It didn't matter to her; she had no intention of getting friendly with the locals. But, she appreciated the layout because she got the impression that both she and Rinn would be able to seek privacy if they needed it. The living room and kitchen was an open plan set up, with the kitchen stuffed into the corner beside Rinn's room. It was small and stocked with the barest of necessities. The apartment didn't have space for a dining table, but, if they chose to eat together, there was a little breakfast nook beside the door. To Helena, who had spent a few months living in a caravan when she travelled, it had everything that she needed.
Especially now that she had a fish.
"Care to share?" Rinn queried, still referring to the fish's name. Helena pulled her mental thoughts together and smiled, but she felt her stomach twist with anticipation.
"Bad Wolf," she said. "I'm thinking of calling it Bad Wolf." Saying the name out loud seemed to cement it.
I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.
Rinn's eyes brightened, seeming to recognise the reference. "So, if we get another fish," she said. "Which is inevitable with you, will you call it The Doctor?"
Caught out, Helena smiled embarrassed. She had come to Dr Who quite late in life, having needed a fellow INTJ to explain to her that it wasn't as silly as it appeared. Once she had gotten into it though, her interest soared. The writing was, in her opinion, among the best in television shows ever.
I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.
"Probably," Helena said in answer to Rinn's question. "If it can handle a companion, I figure we shouldn't deprive it of company." She trailed off for a moment, then sensed that the silence threatened to become awkward. "It'll be that or Blasto." She said the last softly, even more embarrassed about that than her Dr Who obsession. "Have you watched it?"
Her friend's features were conveniently blank. "Blasto?" She queried and for a moment Helena found herself reviewing the references to the show in her mind.
"Blasto, the hanar spectre," Helena said, feeling as if she was admitting to liking something akin to BDSM. "Remember the announcements in the Illium sections?" She didn't want to say game, she wasn't sure whether Liara had bugged the apartment beforehand. "When you walked around? It was pretty clear." She mimicked the announcer's voice. "But Blasto didn't play by the rules."
Rinn's eyebrows rose beyond her hair and Helena could tell immediately that her friend didn't have a clue what she spoke about. Husk induced amnesia? Or just Rinn? "I'd be lying if I said yes," she confessed eventually, then seemed to muse about the idea for a moment. "A hanar spectre? That's a rather interesting idea. Unconventional, from what I've read about them." She grinned at the mental image. "He must be able to carry a lot of guns."
Now you're getting the hang of it!
Helena grinned. "Lover in every port, a gun in every tentacle…" She trailed off, laughing at herself. "Yes," she said before Rinn could comment. "It's as bad as it sounds. One of the movies they had was 'Blasto, the jelly fish stings!'" she turned back to her fish, thinking about the reviews that she had read on the extranet. "There was a lot of talk about it. Jellyfish is a slang term for hanar. Almost derogatory."
Rinn was grinning at her, making her feel even more embarrassed.
"Got stung?" her friend queried, her eyes sparkling at the idea of a fandom.
Helena sniffed in reply and tried to justify herself. "It's research," she said haughtily, but her friend didn't buy it one bit.
"Uh huh," she said, crossing her arms with an amused light in her eyes. "Already planning a fanfic?"
It was practice that made the ginger keep her smile while her heart lurched. Helena had been writing for as long as she remembered, her mind always pulled to other worlds. She always believed that she needed it to remain sane. To keep her mind from going over to the dark side. And she still believed that. But the words that had dictated her life had gone silent. She had tried writing in the hospital, but had sat there, staring at the screen, realising that she might never have the courage to put words to paper again.
What is an author in a created world?
Still smiling she shook her head and stepped away from Bad Wolf. "Can I make you some coffee?" she queried and motioned to the cupboards. "We're stocked up."
Rinn looked relieved and immediately stepped out of the kitchen to give her some space. Helena could feel the woman's eyes on her as she painstakingly put the mugs together without using her right hand at all.
She could feel the question coming, feel it in the way that Rinn was watching her critically, studying her movements. She knew that her friend would not have missed that she seemed to go out of her way to keep her shoulder quiet. She also knew that it must've taken quite a lot of self-control from Rinn not to ask if she could do everything for her.
"How is the shoulder?" Rinn asked finally and her gaze felt more intense as she tried to spot the lie that she must've known that Helena would try and sell her.
"Ahm," Helena began and hesitated, deciding what angle to take. "It's… okay. Under the circumstances." She didn't know what to say about it. It was as it was. "It was in a sling till now. As in, really, right until this afternoon." She sniffed, not quite sure whether she should look at Rinn or the kettle. "They've now… fitted this brace. It's ahm, electronic. Sort of. And it's going to help me to start exercising it. Get the muscles to move." She couldn't look at Rinn she decided, too scared of what she would see there. Helena sometimes wondered whether the other woman secretly felt she had deserved getting injured because she had refused to leave the mine.
Don't be silly, of course she won't feel like that. She'll feel guilty. She'll feel responsible. That's worse.
Finished with the beverage, she motioned to Rinn's cup. "Bottom's up. Let's try out the living room." She tried to be cheerful again, to dispel the darkness of her injury. She didn't have the heart to ask whether Rinn would help her at night to take the brace off.
I can figure it out myself.
She felt Rinn smiling at her as she moved past her to the living room. The funny thing was that, as she walked past her friend Helena got the distinct impression that Rinn really was taller than her. Larger than life in this unreal world. Their height wasn't that much different; only an inch or two separated them. But Rinn felt more real in this world than she ever had in the one they had lost.
And is the opposite what's happening to me? Am I losing substance? Is that why I can't write?
More questions that had no answers. Helena ignored them, chose a couch and settled down. She had not spent a lot of time in the apartment, but felt comfortable in it at least. She could tell that Rinn felt like a guest, her movements cautious as she tried to gauge where Helena would want her to sit. It was one of the reasons Helena had not wanted to spend a lot of time here before her friend. She wanted the place to be theirs, not hers that Rinn just happened to live in. It sounded silly, but she knew that it was important for her friend to be comfortable. Helena had a very vague concept of space herself. She had done a lot of travelling in her life and had learned to find solace in her own mind. Wherever she slept did not matter.
But you can't find solace now, can you?
"This is a really nice place," Rinn said, her gaze jumping around the living room and to the view as she settled on the couch closest to Helena. "Is this your first night here?"
Helena nodded, giving her friend a reassuring smile. "I've been at Liara's up until now," she confirmed what she suspected Rinn already knew. "Is the room okay?"
Her friend glanced towards it automatically, her features playing into a smile. "It's good," she reassured Helena. "We can make it more ours. Maybe buy a bigger fish tank and put it over there." She motioned to the dining nook. "Perhaps a throw on the couch, I've always found that it works better to wash." Helena smiled, remembering Rinn's apartment.
"That we can," she confirmed. "This can be…" She paused, not sure how to state it. "This can be ours. Something we have here."
Rinn was staring at her, her eyes having gone from amused to sad. "A home," she said then shrugged, not saying anything else. Helena got the impression that she was scared to commit to the idea.
Helena nodded. "A place for privacy at least," she pointed out. Privacy was something she had not had since coming to this world. "I'm hoping it will work out. It has to." Liara makes it to the end.
Rinn was still staring at her, her eyes inconsolably sad. "Do you know what's happening tonight?" she queried. "You said that we're seeing them again?"
Helena nodded. "Liara said that she'll bring Kate around to look at the apartment once they're done catching up." And discussing us. "She'll bring supper."
Some of the sadness in Rinn's eyes gave way to curiosity. "How is Liara?" she queried. "What's she like? I've only really met her today."
Thinking for a moment, Helena wondered how to sum up the asari. She had found in the beginning that it was very hard to keep perspective. That somehow her Shepard's perception of Liara interfered with her own. She had to draw a very strong mental line in her mind, to remind herself that she didn't know the asari. That Liara was an alien.
"She is… patient," Helena said eventually and knew that that much was true. After that initial night, Liara had been kind. They did not mention her foreknowledge again. They rarely even mentioned the Normandy save for when she wanted to call Rinn. "I think it was tough for her to share her living space. But she dealt with it well." She paused and realised that her friend might need more. "She's been kind," Helena added. "I appreciated it."
Rinn nodded, but didn't say anything else. Helena took a sip of her coffee before she continued speaking. "How was it on the Normandy?" She queried. "Were they kind?" She saw a shadow pass Rinn's eyes, but it faded as she shrugged.
"The crew were… cautious for the most part," she answered carefully. "Though that's understandable. I mostly interacted with Miranda and Katelyn… and Kelly on occasion. They were kind. Katelyn made a lot of effort to make sure I was okay. Took me to see the Citadel too." Her friend smiled faintly at the memory. "It was something."
Grinning, remembering her own brief trip through the massive space station, Helena sat up a bit. "Did you see the presidium?" she queried and was pleased when Rinn smile also turned to a grin.
"Better than I could've imagined," her friend supplied the answer. "Katelyn had quite a laugh at my expense. I was awestruck."
Helena smiled, remembering her own first encounter. "I have to confess that I was impressed as well," she admitted. "It was just… I dunno. Something out of this world. Nos Astra doesn't have that same feeling, but it is pretty impressive too."
Rinn nodded in agreement. "From what I've seen, it looks…" she hesitated, the sadness returning. "It's going to take some getting used to. We'll have to get groceries… and figure out how." She looked outside to the window again. "So much to explore. To learn." She trailed off then smiled. "But good. It can be good here."
Nodding in agreement, Helena looked out of the window as well. "I hope it will be," she said. "I really hope so."
"A new adventure," Rinn added. "Just eh… hopefully a little less adventurous."
Amen.
Helena really hoped that they were done with all the drama. She hoped that they could just live their lives out quietly until Liara took down the Shadow Broker. She really hoped that she was done seeing people die.
"Rinn," she said finally, unable to contain the question any longer. "What do you think happened? How did we get here?" She couldn't tell whether Rinn had anticipated the question or not. Or, whether she had even bothered to think about it up until now. Her friend was quiet for a very long time as she seemed to turn it over and over in her mind.
"I have absolutely no answer," Rinn said finally. "No theory. I don't know what to make of it."
Trying hard to keep her frustration at bay, Helena stared back out of the window, resisting the urge to count all of the buildings that she could see. "We have to be here for a reason," she pointed out. "There has to be an answer."
Not disagreeing with her, Rinn nodded slowly. "We do," she said simply and frowned. "And it better be a good one."
Helena could understand what lay behind that statement. They had sacrificed a lot of themselves to this world, a lot of their sanity and peace of mind. The idea that it all happened for nothing was unbearable. They had to be here for a reason. There had to be a reason why they had suffered so much.
"Why do you think we're here?" she asked Rinn finally, hoping to gain some insight from her friend as it was her world after all.
Rinn stared at her and then shook her head again. "I don't know, Lena," she said again. "I mean, things are pretty set. They'll go their course. Why we need to witness it, why we need to be a part of it…" She trailed off and shook her head.
Frowning, Helena leaned forward. "Rinn," she said quietly. "How does this story end? What was the end?"
She could tell that her question caught the other woman by surprise. Rinn stared at her for a long time, her brow furrowing as she mused over her words. "I never saw the end," she said finally. "I know that much. However, I'm not someone who would've left it at a tragedy. There would be hope. I wouldn't have set Katelyn on a path I didn't believe she would be able to come back from." She paused and shrugged, turning her gaze back to the window with an embarrassed smile. "The romantic in me wouldn't have allowed it. It would have been bitter sweet. Life isn't only gain and it isn't only loss… but it would've been sweet." She seemed to be at peace with it, but her words bothered Helena.
Pulling her legs up onto the couch, not caring whether they've sorted out the 'feet on' or 'feet off' rule, Helena turned her friend's words over in her mind. She had very little understanding of Rinn's writing method, but the idea that the end had been unknown to her was frightening. Rinn generally always knew what would happen in her story to some extent or another. A blank future was… troublesome.
You don't know that, she wanted to tell her friend. You don't understand what a story like this can do. It can consume you, change you. It can and most probably will break the mould. And as you are now, you won't be able to know if it did.
"And our lives?" Helena said finally, filling in the silence that had descended upon them. "Do you think our lives will coincide with your rules?" It is your story after all.
Rinn's gaze involuntarily strayed to her hand. "I don't know," she confessed. "For Katelyn, I have hope. No. I believe. But she's a protagonist. I don't know what we are…" She trailed off and mused it over as Helena had to fight to keep her features neutral, to try and fight against the itch that she felt in her chest. The panic that grew in her mind. "But again, if it were me… writing this…" Rinn said the words hesitatingly. "I mean… There would be… something. Not a consolation, but…" She stopped and tried to find the right word, frustration briefly written across her features. "There'd be a point."
Again it came down to why they were there and what was their exact purpose. Helena felt the need to have that answer turn in her mind, pressing against her temples. Just like Rinn, she found herself struggling to find the right words, the right sentence to express what she wanted correctly. They had been pulled in together. Not Rinn on her own, but Helena as well. If there was a point to it, the reasoning was that Helena herself would perhaps play a vital role in this. As a character yes, but a character that understood how the story would progress.
"What if the point is to change it?" Helena said finally, daring to voice the thought that she had been playing with subconsciously. "What if we are here because... because of that?" The idea made her pulse increase. Is that part of why Rinn might not be able to remember? Because she shouldn't interfere? Is that why all of this happened to her? Is that the point of her possession?
She felt Rinn's gaze on her. "Without knowing the story's course," her friend pointed out. "I don't know what should be changed. If my thread, if my extra addition plays itself out as I know I would have want it to. If it has a meaningful conclusion, then… then it is as it should be. Then there would be no need for intervention. But actions have consequences. Our being here could've knocked it off course – if this were some cosmic idea of a humorous accident. And if we were here for some reason, then… we have to tread exceptionally carefully. Lives… aren't things to just play with."
Helena studied her friend for a moment who was clearly uncomfortable with the subject matter. They had never discussed it. And, if Liara was listening now – the world be damned, they had to talk about it.
"Then we're here to make sure that Kate does get indoctrinated?" She queried, but couldn't quite believe it, that itch that she had been feeling ever since she started thinking of their purpose here returning. "Because we're stopping her?"
Rinn frowned at her, the look almost hostile for a moment. Helena knew that it wasn't directed at her, but whatever thoughts her friend had had been very dark. "I don't know whether it's in our hands to encourage or to stop," she pointed out. "And if it were..." She trailed off, her gaze becoming sadder as she searched for the words inside her own soul. "I wouldn't... I wouldn't help it. I wouldn't have her change now, if I had the choice."
You must have, you're the author.
Helena barely managed to contain her words, hiding them by taking a sip of her coffee. Her memories returned to that moment Shepard had cornered her in the hospital. When the commander had threatened to destroy the only thing Helena knew she cared for in this world.
"I don't want to see it happen," she pointed out. "I don't want to see her go the whole way." She'll kill me when she does. A part of her must want to. She'll destroy what's left of you.
Rinn looked somewhat cornered as she spoke. "In... in the story they found a way to contain her. Like... lock her up." Helena remembered that, but said nothing, studying her friend's features. Lock her up, contain her. As they did with you. A parallel? "They became suspicious about her behaviour and..." Rinn cut herself off abruptly and got up, going to the window. She didn't look at Helena as she spoke, softly. So soft Helena barely heard her. "Lena, I can't... I don't know." She took a steadying breath and squared her shoulders, turning back to Helena. "All I have to go on is the type of person I am," she continued, louder this time. "The type of writer I am." Her gaze grew darker again and her shoulders seemed to hunch. "With what's happened to us... I can't even believe I would've gone so dark. This is not a story." There was a denial there.
This is not a story. This is not my story.
Helena didn't say anything for a moment, her insides turning.
"I would," she confessed finally, knowing that her friend would've been able to figure it out anyway. "You know me. I would take it..." She turned her eyes to the ceiling, studying it. "As far as it will go. As deep and dark as it would go." Her stomach turned and she looked back to Rinn. "What if me being here changes your story? I don't belong in this world. Much less than you do. And... I bring out the very worst in Katelyn."
The way her friend didn't react showed that it wasn't news to her. She turned to look at the world outside then glanced back to Helena. "Then maybe it's good that we're out of her sight," she said. "She has Miranda and Samara. They will both help to balance her out. And they both have reason to watch after her." Helena tried not to show her grimace as she thought about Miranda deciding to support Katelyn. It still felt as if the XO had chosen sides. She knew that she was being foolish, but she couldn't help it. She realised that Rinn had gone quiet and was studying her again, her features more curious this time. When she saw that Helena was paying attention to her again, she shrugged.
"I don't want to... jinx it by saying it can't get any worse," the hybrid said with a small smile. "But I'd be really impressed with my imagination if it did. And we got out, Lena. Regardless of what happened. We're here, we're safe." She shrugged, grinning sheepishly. "Might be my story after all."
May the stars love you, Rinn, you will always have hope.
She turned away from her friend, feeling her old ache flare up. "Well," she said and tried to keep her tone light regardless. "Thanks to Katelyn we know it's not mine."
She found that Rinn was looking at her, her gaze both sad and silly. A strange combination.
"Well," she said and winked. "Maybe yours don't need closer inspection."
