Chapter 3

"Liam, love, you can't understand what it's like for me now. That spirit, Justice or Vengeance, whatever you want to call it, took complete control over me. I could see and hear everything I was doing. But, I couldn't stop him. I struggled, I fought, I think I was even screaming inside, and still we set that bomb to go off. I may look like the man you fell in love with, but only on the surface."

"So you're saying none of this was your doing."

"No, I set the bomb in the Chantry, but at the time it was more of a backup plan. I'm not saying that the stiuation wouldn't have eventually warranted such extreme measures, but the timing was not my choice. I told you before that time has no meaning for fade creatures. Justice got tired of waiting."

"Anders, killing you won't solve anything. You've started a war that could tear Thedas apart. You have an obligation to see things through."

"And what if the next time Justice takes over, it's you he goes after? Or another innocent bystander? I can't take my own life, he won't let me. Yet, I can't go on knowing that one day I will truly become the monster everyone thinks I am."

"There must be another way besides killing you. I love you too much to just give up."

"Loving me won't stop Sebastian from coming after us. He will hunt us down and kill me. I know you, you won't give me up without a fight. I couldn't bear it if you died trying to protect me."

"Anders, I-"

Liam groaned and turned over in his sleep.

"You can't ask me to do this!"

"Liam, we've run out of time. This is the only thing we've found that has a chance of working. Wynne is a very powerful Spirit Healer, she knows what she is doing. It's risky, but we have to try."

"You're asking me to basically let you die and trust she can bring you back," Liam choked out. He paced for several minutes before whirling and yelling, "This can't be the only way."

"Maybe not, but that pigeon we got from Isabella has decided things. Sebastian is coming and may be here in as little as a week. The only chance we have of convincing him to spare me is if we get rid of the spirit inside me. He'll kill you and anyone else who stands between him and me. I can't let that happen. I won't have anyone else dying because of me. We've run out of time."

"We could keep moving, travel to other places, look for answers elsewhere."

"Chased by the prince and his men the whole way? Involve others in the mess I've made? No, Liam."

Liam jerked awake and sat up, his heart pounding from the dream of those final hours. Closing his eyes, he fought back tears as the memory of holding Anders and watching him die in his arms ran through his mind, as clear and painful as the day it happened. He'd known deep in his heart that the chance of it working was slim to none and he'd let it happen anyway. He should have refused, should have stopped the man he loved from taking such drastic action. In that, like in so many other things, he'd failed.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he slowly looked around at the tiny bedroom. It wasn't yet night, but he'd been asleep anyway. He frowned as he tried to remember how he got here. At last he recalled what happened. Sebastian had touched Anders things and he'd flown into a rage at the intrusion. Merrill must have been afraid he'd kill the bastard and knocked him out. Maybe he would have, or maybe it would have been the other way around.

Sighing he stood and moved to the tiny window and looked out. He didn't know why the prince was still here. He'd secretly hoped that Sebastian would kill him in a fit of rage at learning that the man he wanted was already dead. Then he could be reunited with Anders in the next life. It hadn't happened, and he didn't think it would be happening. But that still left the question of why the prince was hanging around.

Moving to sit on the side of the bed again, he put his head in his hands. He didn't know how to go on, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. Without Anders, life seemed dull and pointless. He reached under his pillow and withdrew the knife he had hidden there. He looked at it lying in his hands and came to a decision. If Sebastian wasn't going to kill him, then he had no choice but to end it himself.

The Chantry always preached that suicide was a mortal sin and anyone commiting it would be denied a place at the Maker's side. If the Maker was that unforgiving, then Anders wasn't there either. He wasn't even sure he believed in the Maker anymore anyway. He certainly had no faith in the Chantry or their propaganda, not after everything he'd seen in Kirkwall. Anders had been right in one thing: a war between mages and the Chantry was bound to happen some day. Someday had just happened to come sooner than expected.

A knock on the door had him hastily stashing the knife under the pillow once more. "Come in."

Merrill opened the door, a plate of food in one hand. "I wasn't sure you'd be awake yet. I brought you some dinner."

"I'm not hungry," Liam muttered. "Just go away and leave me alone."

Merrill hesitated only briefly, before sighing and leaving, closing the door behind her. She went back to the others. "He's up, but he said he wasn't hungry."

"I'm getting tired of this," Bethany put down her fork. "What's it going to take to get through to him."

"Sebastian, maybe you should try talking to him," Fenris looked at the prince. "That's the reason you stayed right? To try to get him to move on with his life."

"And if he tries to kill me?" he glared at the elf.

"I don't think that'll happen now," Merrill said firmly. "He seems to be calm."

"Seems to be, right," the prince said sourly.

"We've been trying for over a month to get Liam to come out of his shell, with no luck," Bethany told him. "In just a few days, you've gotten more of a reaction from him than any of us. If you're not willing to at least try, then I see no reason for you to stay any longer."

Silence fell at the table as each focused on their own thoughts. Sebastian wasn't happy about the expectations the others seemed to place on him. Hawke had been furious with him, and over such a simple thing. It was foolish to assume that the man would just sit calmly and listen to anything he had to say. He seriously considered telling them sorry and leaving, without waiting for his man to return. He was pretty sure that Fenris would be more than happy to escort him to Denerim.

After he had finished eating, he stared at the closed door to the bedroom. He could feel Bethany's eyes on him and turned to meet her gaze. "Okay, I'll go in there and see what I can do. But no promises. He hates me and most likely will throw me out."

"I don't think he'll do that," Merrill chirruped brightly.

Sebastian heard a muffled snort and looked over at Fenris to see the elf rolling his eyes at the Dalish. Privately, he agreed with the man. Merrill seemed to still be a few cards shy of a full deck. Some things never change.

Getting to his feet, he squared his shoulders, and walked to the door, knocking once before opening it. He saw that Hawke was lying on his back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Ripper was lying beside the bed and the dog looked up and wagged his tail a little. "Hawke, I-"

"Get out," Liam said flatly.

"No, I won't, not until I've said my peace," he retorted, earning a brief glare from the man. He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Anders is dead, but you're not, and neither are those you call your friends and family. They have stood by you through all this and you owe it to them to stop wallowing in self-pity and get on with your life."

"We didn't have enough time."

"What?" Sebastian was puzzled, not understanding that statement coming out of the blue the way it did.

"Anders and I, not enough time," Liam finally looked at the prince. "We were trying to find a way to seperate Anders from that spirit. Anders believed it to be the only chance we had of convincing you to spare him."

"Whether he was wholly responsible for what happened, or not, doesn't change the fact of his guilt."

"Without knowing all the facts, you passed judgement on him, on me," was the flat retort. "Anders didn't want to blow up the Chantry, not really. He still had hope that things could be resolved another way. Justice was tired of waiting and forced him to do it."

Sebastian drew in a sharp breath in surprise. Then he became suspicious, "Is that what he told you? I suppose you believed him, just like all those other times you believed his lies."

"I knew him better than anyone, and I know it was the truth. But when has the truth ever mattered to you?" Liam sat up in the bed, glaring at him. "Even now, you can't admit to yourself that your only motivation in coming after us was revenge, not justice. You don't even know the meaning of the word."

"This is pointless," Sebastian snapped angrily. "I don't know why I'm even trying."

"I don't know why either," Liam agreed. Then he sighed and lay back down. "I don't want you here, so just go away and leave me alone."

Angrily, Sebastian stepped out and slammed the door behind him, startling the others. "I wash my hands of him," he told them before storming out of the hut. The others silently watched him go.

Fenris finally got to his feet, "I'm going to talk to him, see if I can find out what happened."

Bethany also stood, "I better check on my brother."

Merrill watched them both go before slumping sadly against the table, burying her head in her arms. Things weren't turning out the way she hoped they would. Now she wondered if she'd made the right decision in convincing Sebastian to stay in the first place. She'd forgotten how stubborn both the prince and Hawke could be. She knew that it was only a matter of time before Hawke did something drastic. She knew the signs, she'd seen them in herself not so long ago. Hawke had saved her then and she wanted to save him now, but she was beginning to doubt she could.

Fenris paused outside the prince's tent, watching silently as the man packed up his belongings. "So, you've decided to leave," he finally said.

Sebastian turned to glare at him, "I should never have agreed to stay in the first place."

"I won't argue with you there," the elf nodded. "I never really believed in Merrill's notion that you could help Hawke. You haven't forgiven him for sparing Anders, and probably never will. Most likely he knows this."

"No, what I can't forgive is the fact that he believed in and supported Anders even though the man lied to him at every turn," the prince snapped.

"Not everything was a lie. His love for Hawke, which Hawke returned full measure, not the least of it." Fenris folded his arms, "Yet you don't seem to want to believe that. I have to wonder why."

Sebastian opened his mouth to respond and then snapped it shut. "I have my reasons."

"Which are?" Fenris was now curious. He had the feeling he was on the verge of discovering Sebastian's true motivation for everything.

"None of your business," he snapped. "I'll leave in the morning for Denerim."

Fenris paused for a moment before offering, "I can travel with you. The road to Denerim isn't safe and you'll have a better chance of reaching the city if you're not alone."

"Why?" Sebastian looked up from his packing. "If I get killed along the way, that'll make all of you happy, wouldn't it?"

"I never said I wanted you dead," Fenris growled. "And despite what you think, I doubt that Hawke would want you dead either."

Sebastian studied the elf for a while, trying to judge the truth in that statement. Finally, he nodded, "All right, if you want to come, I won't say no." He turned back to packing, "Now, if you don't mind, I really don't feel like company at the moment."

Fenris shrugged and turned away, heading back towards the hut to check on Hawke. The trip to Denerim would give him more opportunities to pry the whole story out of the prince. The man was hiding something, and the elf's gut instinct told him that whatever it was could hold the key to Hawke getting on with his life.

Sebastian slumped down on his bedroll. Fenris suspected something, he knew that, and having the elf travelling with him to Denerim would just give the man more opportunities to ferret the information out. However, getting to the city alone would prove to be difficult at best, mainly because there were a lot of bandits lying in wait. Even though the Blight had been over for almost a decade, Ferelden was still recovering. Many people had been displaced and had had to struggle to make new homes for themselves. There never seemed to be a shortage of people who took advantage of these situations.

Then there was the whole situation with the mages and Templars. Since leaving Kirkwall, he'd heard about how many Templars had gone rogue from the Chantry and taken to hunting down and killing anyone they suspected of being apostates. He'd also heard that dozens, perhaps hundreds, of mages had escaped their Circles and were now roaming about, wreaking havoc and causing fear amongst the people, leading to lynch mobs and the like. Ferelden seemed to be the only land who didn't have these kinds of problems, but it was hard to say if it was true or how long it would remain that way.

So, in short, even though it was possible he would reach Denerim safely, it was much more likely if he wasn't alone. And staying here until Reginald returned was no longer an option. He would just have to do his best to deflect any questions the elf might pose and hope for the best. It wouldn't do anyone any good to reveal the truth now.

Fenris entered the hut and walked over to Merrill who was still sitting at the table with her head down. He took the seat opposite her, "Sebastian is leaving in the morning, and I'm going with him."

The young Dalish looked up, "That's probably for the best. Things haven't worked out the way I thought they would."

"I doubted from the beginning that your idea would work at all," he shook his head. "Sebastian is still blinded by his hate for Anders. He can't help because he still blames Hawke for standing by Anders."

"I just thought with the way he feels about Hawke that it would be enough to overcome that," she said sadly.

"Obviously any feelings of friendship he ever felt for Hawke have been buried very deeply under his hatred for Anders. I doubt he's ever going to feel differently."

"Fenris, it isn't friendship he feels," Merrill lowered her voice to a near whisper. "I think that he secretly loves Hawke, but can't admit it to himself."

"Okay, now I know you're crazy," Fenris snorted. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"Is it?" Merrill's eyebrows rose. "You didn't notice the change in their relationship shortly after that whole business with the Harimann's? Cause I did."

Fenris looked sharply at her and then tried to think back to that time. He remembered how despondant the prince had been, and how supportive of him Hawke was, but he couldn't recall anything that would have indicated a change in their relationship. "They were always friendly with each other, and they did seem to become closer afterwards, but nothing to indicate there was anything more to it." Even has he said this he had to wonder. Sebastian was hiding something, could this be it? Then he dismissed the notion as farfetched.

"It wasn't anything they said or did. It was the way they looked at each other," she insisted.

"You always had a bad habit of seeing things that aren't there," Fenris snorted. "That is when you looked outside yourself and your own little world you travelled in."

Merrill pouted but dropped the subject. She knew she was right, but it didn't matter anymore, not if Sebastian was really leaving. "Bethany hasn't come out yet, and I haven't heard anything from inside."

"I have to ask myself how long we should keep trying to pull Hawke out of the pit he's burrowed himself in," Fenris shook his head. "Bethany has her obligation to the Wardens to think of, and I'm growing tired of just sitting around doing nothing."

"We can't just give up on him."

He looked at the girl and scowled, "I think he's made it clear that he doesn't really want our help. If he can't find within himself the desire to get on with life, there's nothing we can say or do that would make a difference. We should seriously consider leaving ourselves." He was stopped from saying anything else by Bethany coming out of the bedroom. "Well?"

"Sebastian was insensitive about Anders and Hawke basically told him to piss off," she sighed as she sat down at the table. "I've tried to get Liam to change his mind, but he won't. He wants the prince gone."

"Sebastian will be leaving in the morning," Fenris told her. "I'm going to escort him to Denerim, but I don't know if I'll come back here afterwards."

"What? Hawke needs you here," Bethany protested.

"I know you aren't going to like hearing what I have to say, but you need to hear it," the elf said sharply, his gaze locking on hers. "Your brother is determined to wallow in self-pity. He only bathes when you make him, he only eats when you guilt him into it, and the rest of the time he sits on his ass and stares into nothing. He won't talk to any of us, he won't even try. As long as we continue to baby him, he will continue to do these things."

"But, if we leave him to his own devices then he might-" Merrill couldn't finish the thought.

"He might die?" Fenris snorted. "Maybe, or maybe he'll snap out of it and start to take care of himself. And if he's really determined to not go on living, then our being here isn't going to stop him from taking matters into his own hand."

Bethany stared at her hands as she said slowly, "Perhaps you're right. Perhaps it is time to stop treating Liam like a child. Maker knows nothing we're doing is helping. Also, there's only so long I can stay away from the Wardens. There are things going on that I can't talk about, but they're as important to the future of Thedas as the fate of the mages and the Chantry."

"Well, you can both leave if you want, but I'm staying," Merrill stated, arms crossed, mouth set in a firm line. "I will not abandon him, not after everything he's done for me."

"We're not abandoning him," Bethany protested.

"Yes, you are, just like Sebastian did in Kirkwall," she retorted. "At least, that's the way Hawke will see it. Then, when he does snap out of his funk and decide to get on with his life, he'll hate you the same as he hates our stubborn prince."

The other two looked at each other and then down at the table. Fenris knew that what Merrill said could certainly happen, and he wasn't comfortable with the idea that Hawke would view him in the same light as the prince. Bethany was pretty sure that the Dalish was exaggerating things. Her brother could be stubborn, and it might take him a while to understand what she did, but he would never hate her for it.

"Even if Hawke ends up hating me, which I doubt, I still can't stay here for however long it takes him to come around," Bethany sighed. "When Stroud agreed to take me, he made it clear that if he did this, then I would be obligated to devote the rest of my life to the Wardens. That my family might see me only rarely or not at all. Liam accepted that then and he will have to accept it now."

"And what about you Fenris?" Merrill pressed. "I know that you think your presence here hasn't helped, but your absence would definitely hurt. Hawke's not so self absorbed that he doesn't know we're here. You, more than anyone else, were his best friend, still are in fact. Please, just give it a little while longer."

Fenris thought about it for a while before finally nodding. "All right, after I've seen his highness safely to Denerim I'll return here, for a little while at least."

"Thank you," Merrill beamed at him.

"I'll stay, at least until Fenris returns, but after that I'm not making any promises," Bethany sighed. "I just hope that there's some kind of change in my brother soon. The Wardens will get tired of waiting and if they order me to return, then I'll have no choice but to leave."

"I think that things will change sooner than you think, you'll see," Merrill grinned at them, ignoring the eye rolling and impatient sighs.

"On that note, I think I'll retire to my tent," Fenris stood up. When Sebastian had decided to stay, he'd offered the elf one of his soldier's tents. The idea was too appealing to pass up, and it made more room in the hut for the girls, something they all considered a bonus.

When he was gone, Merrill stood and went over to the small bookshelf where she kept her books. She selected a tome about the history of the Dales and then went to sit in the chair by the fire. "If you want Bethany, I could read you some of this to pass the time."

"Thanks Merrill, but I think I'll pay a visit to Sebastian," she declined. "I want to hear his side of the story, just to make sure that there isn't anything important Liam left out."

"Okay," the Dalish shrugged and opened the book.

Bethany stopped just outside the door to take a deep breath. What she'd told the others was true, the Wardens would eventually call her back. What she hadn't said was that the Warden Commander had pretty much told her that she would not be needed for a few months, possibly not until the end of the summer, and to take as much or as little time as needed until then. Even though they usually didn't care about the personal or family problems a member might have, they did not like to burn any political bridges. Liam was still the Champion of Kirkwall, a noble with many connections, and a man highly respected by Alistair, the King of Ferelden.

She sighed and headed for Sebastian's tent. Hopefully the situation would improve sooner rather than later. She was growing weary of the seemingly never ending task of taking care of her brother.