"Thou art the only person in the world that ever was necessary to me. Other people have occasionally been more or less agreeable; but I think I was always more at ease alone than in anybody's company, till I knew thee. And now I am only myself when thou art within my reach." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

Chapter 3: Conflicted

EPOV

She had been dreaming of Chicago. She had tried to back-peddle, but I knew- I knew. She was dreaming of our time together. That fateful day in the park- I had meant to ask for her hand. Instead I fell ill, and would never see her again. Had she dreamt of anything else? Surely not, or she would have run screaming by now.

It had been two days since that conversation. We had barely spoken since. She, acting as if she were too embarrassed to speak to me, and I, well, I was afraid, if I was being honest with myself. There were times in our history that I wish she would never remember, but I couldn't exactly tell her that.

I had one advantage- I knew who she was, and that I loved her. I would have loved her regardless, but the fact that she so resembled Isabel- well, it only increased my desire to be near to her. But, I also knew that whatever she would or would not feel for me, I, at my very core, was a monster, and could not change that fact. Would it be better for her if she never remembered- if I gave up my pursuit of her affection? I was not sure, if given the choice, that I could knowingly damn her to an eternity of bloodlust. I had been battling my own inner demon for ninety years, and it was a battle I had lost many times. Could I really inflict that burden on her? Would she even want me to?

No, that was a decision I would never allow myself to make. For now, I would keep my distance, and perhaps be able to spare her the pain of what I was. It wasn't too late to keep her away from all of this. I loved her enough to put aside my own selfish desires in order for her to have a long, healthy life, and she would never know the difference.

* * * * * * * *

Thank god, it was finally Friday. Humans say that all the time, but for the first time, I could understand the thought behind it. One more day of my own self-induced hell, and then I could have four days of peace- I hoped so anyways. Alice had seen that Monday and Tuesday would be sunny, which meant no school for the vampires. It had been torturous to sit beside Bella in class all week, trying to pretend that it didn't matter- that she didn't matter. I needed a few days distance from her to ease my mind of the pain it would cause me to drive her away.

The sound of footsteps behind me brought me back to the present. "Hello, Edward." Just the sound of her voice made my heart ache.

"Good afternoon, Bella."

"So, are you ever going to speak to me again, or are we going to go on acting like we don't know each other at all? Because, I was kind of hoping maybe we could be friends, that is, if you wanted to." She seemed so unsure of herself. Surely she could see through me.

Of course I want to be your friend, and so much more than that. "I don't know, Bella. I'm not really good at 'being friends' with people." That much was true- I hadn't had a human friend since 1918. Before she could respond, the teacher called the class to attention, effectively cutting our conversation short.

For an hour I sat there, desperately wanting to reach out and touch her- her beautiful chestnut hair, her soft alabaster skin- to tell her I had lied. I wanted her- every part of her- for now and forever. But I could not. So I sat, and tried to ignore the beautiful creature seated beside me, craving the solitude that the next few days would offer.

At the end of the hour, while we were packing up for the day, she made one last attempt. "I wanted to ask, if you were going to be around, if maybe you would want to get some coffee or something tomorrow?" How much courage had it taken her to ask me that simple question? I could feel the blush rising in her cheeks as I tried to avoid meeting her eyes.

"I thought everyone was going to the beach tomorrow." Of course I knew the group outing had been postponed.

"Well, the forecast is calling for heavy rain, so they decided to try again next week. So, are you interested?"

Of course I am, my love, my life..... "I don't think that it's a good idea, Bella. Besides, my brothers and I are going hunting up north, so I will be out of town this weekend."

"Oh. I get it, sorry. See you later, then.", and with that, she turned and walked away. It felt as if my heart would break, if such a thing were possible.

"You're plan won't work, you know." Alice. Stupid, psychic vampire.

"Maybe not, Alice, but I'm going to try anyways." I would never be able to make her understand, so I didn't even try.

Then Emmett put in his two-cents worth. "So, why the sudden change of heart, brother? I mean, you have been searching for this girl for years, and you finally find her again, and now you don't want to 'damn her to eternity'? What's up with that?" Emmett never held back. He said exactly what was on his mind and nothing less.

"I think that it may be selfish of me to wish for her to love me back, Em. Shouldn't it be enough for me to just know that she is alive and well, and try to keep her from the danger that she would surely face if she were to be a part of my life? I love her enough to try, even if it makes me miserable. I owe her that much, after everything that has happened in the past." They all knew the whole story, but they still did not see. This felt like the right thing to do, to ensure Bella's safety.

We've been through this before, Edward. What makes you so sure that the outcome will be different this time? Carlisle had been with me through each of Isabel's incarnations. He had seen the hell I had put myself through on more than one occasion, and he also knew me better than anyone, accept maybe Alice.

"She's not my singer this time, Carlisle. She is my heart- my life. I will keep my distance if it keeps her safe."

You don't have to put yourself through this, son. You could let her see the best parts of your soul, and let her love you in return.

"My soul? I don't want to have this argument with you again, Carlisle. You know where I stand on this subject." My soul. How could a monster such as myself have a soul? No, if I really had a soul, I never would have lost her in the first place. Her death had been my punishment for what I had become. And I had been repeatedly punished, over and over again, until my long dead heart ached in my chest.

Keeping my distance from Bella proved to be more difficult than I could have imagined. By Sunday, I felt like the burning man again. If I could just see her face, and know that she is okay, I thought. My emotions were so conflicted. I knew I needed the solitude of an extended hunting trip, but I couldn't convince myself to stay away. Jasper was so overwhelmed by the emotional climate surrounding me, that he and Alice decided to head back to Canada for the hunt, just to get out of range of my ever changing feelings. Rosalie was her usual smug self, chastising me for not being able to keep my promise to leave Bella alone. I was weak, and she knew it. I just needed to see Bella's face, to know for sure that she was real, and not just a dream.

And so I ran as fast as I could, back to Forks, back to Bella. Within an hour I had crossed into the city limits, and was swiftly making my way through the woods behind Bella's house. It was late- she would be asleep. It was better that way. She never needed to know I had been here. I silently scaled the side of her house, following the most beautiful scent in my world, to the window on the second floor that could only be her room. Peering through her window, I realized that she was mumbling. Had she woken up? No- definitely asleep. She was talking in her sleep. Was she dreaming of me, of our time together, again? I wanted to be necessary-I needed her like humans needed air to breathe, and I wanted her to need me the same way. "Edward-", she said my name? What was I doing in her dreams tonight? I closed my eyes, and for the first time in nearly ninety years, I prayed. I prayed to keep her safe. I prayed that Carlisle was right. And I prayed that she could love me someday, even though I knew there was nothing I could ever do to deserve possession of her heart.