Author's note: Hey everyone! Here's the third chapter. So sorry it took so long! Well, this one sets during the episode "All Things", starting when Scully meets accidentally (or not that accidentally) Mulder in the street, and then they head to his apartment and end up knocking boots, at least that's what we can assume in the beginning of the episode. Since this episode was a very personal one, I wrote this chapter in first person, as a Scully's POV, so I really tried to get into Scully's shoes.
I also must add that the following chapters will be named according to the episodes titles that I mentioned in the summary and one particular song that suits the episode theme. For instance, I named this third chapter as "All good Things", which refers to the song from Nelly Furtado and also to the episode title "All Things". Since this is an "XFiles Love Medley", which was based on the "Elephant Love Medley" song from Moulin Rouge, I thought that it would be a good idea to mix the chapters titles to some songs.
R & R? Again? Please? Plus, needless to say that suggestions are more than welcome!
Tks!
; )
I'm outside the hospital now. God! I needed to get out of there, I needed to breath. All this "A Christmas Carol" thing, without the Chirstmas part, took over me. Having the chance to meet again your 'ghosts from the past' isn't the easiest thing in the world, actually it is pretty damn confusing and somehow, painful, mainly because you are forced to deal with your own mistakes and their undeniable consequences. On the other hand, it also might be a great self-knowledge process and therefore, an excelent oportunity to mature, and simply understand the choices that you made, since you have a broad view from who you used to be, who you are now and who you want to be. It's sort of an esoteric experience, I know that now.
Probably this very moment and what I've just experienced wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't had second thoughts concerning my feelings for Mulder. Since the day that we slept together, that blessed and coursed night, I've been so angry and disappointed with him for leaving me alone in bed and especially for acting like nothing at all had happened. I felt underappreciated, ignored and like some kind of useless trophy, another one in his bookshelf. I'm still definitely not aware of his motives, whatever they were or are, and of his true feelings for me, because his actions and words confuse me like hell, though I'm pretty aware of how I feel and who I am. I've been acting like a complety bitch, ignoring him, ditching on him, running away from him, I know that I've been mean, not that he didn't deserve it, but I've been acting like a teenager, pissed of with an unrequited love, pissed of for being rejected, and most of all, pissed of for not having the guts to simply talk to him and try to settle things. I'm as much coward as him.
All this mix of feelings, hate and love, made me also have second thoughts concerning the choices that I made in my life, especially joining the FBI and my partnership (or whatever it is) with Mulder. At this point of my life, I thought that I wanted everything that I'm supposed to want, maybe a marriage, maybe building a family. The real truth is that the society has an undercovered pre-estabilished plan for all the little girls that step into this world, there's this pre-concept that no matter the paths that we choose or our personalities or our great careers, our success level is simply measured by our ability of buliding a family. There's always this veiled pressure for us to get married and have kids, otherwise we're just breaking the main goal of our existence. We live in a modern society, though the concepts never change, they just seem to, with the purpose of only deceiving us. This world is just a big fat museum of old new things. What happen if some little girls are just different than other ones? Well, I'm already breaking this supposed main goal of the female existence, unfortunally I'm unable to have kids. But does it make me less important than other women? What about marriage? I don't even know if I'll ever be the wife type. In fact, maybe one of the things that attracts me to Mulder so much is the fact that he is definitely not the husband type, he is unstable, blindly passionate with his search, he is almost unreachable. I just can't deny his personality, his desires, who he really is, I can't pretend that at some point he will suddenly change and we'll finally live happily ever after, like in some stupid and more than unreal fairytale. I'm not the princess, the damsel in distress, and he is definitely not prince charming, maybe just charming. I only have to focus on the truth, not the truth concerning the stupid alien conspiracy, but the real life one. And isn't life nothing more nothing less than the conspiracy itself?
I really thought that I wanted a different type of life, maybe as a escape mechanism from the reality, I even thought that what I had wasn't exactly something that was worth be named as 'life', but somehow, meeting Daniel again made me understand, and simply accept who I am. In fact, I haven't changed at all, I'm just older now, but I kept honest to myself all these years. I always seem to follow a pattern in my relationships, falling in love with powerful and attractive men, also, unreachable, untouchable men, maybe due to the fact that I won't be able to completely have them. This is sick, though I've always had a crush for unreachable things, setting high goals. The same reason that made me run away from Daniel was the same that made me want to run away from Mulder, the unbearable finding of an unattainable love. But now I'm able to see that all the choices were the right ones. This is the right path, I'm on the right track, even that sometimes it doesn't seem so. I finally accept who I am, all my vices and virtues.
And even that my love for Mulder might follow a pattern, he is the strongest connection that I'll ever possibly have with someone. Despite this akward situation between us, this awful storm, I'm more than pleased with the simple fact of just having him in my life, at least as a partner or a friend. The truth is that there's something unique between us, and this is undeniable.
Now I'm walking on the streets, without a specific direction for a change. I'm barely feeling my feet on the ground, I feel like levitating or something, in fact I'm not feeling anything at all, just one billion thoughts running through my head, and even them are starting to vanish away. Everything seems to be in slow motion, it's a weird though pleasant sensation. I start to look everything around me, the cars slowly passing by and people walking all over the directions, I can see their faces. It's quite good to see everything slowing down, usually we're always on a rush, everything is always on a rush, we don't even have time to see the details, we just blink and then everything is changed.
I keep walking. I can see two nuns passing me by, they made me remind of my childhood in a catholic school, but I really don't feel like looking back at the past again, I've had enough these past few days. I'm feeling completly empty now, I'm nothing at all though everything at the same time. How's that even possible?
I can see someone different now, not different, but oddly familiar. It's that woman with blonde ponytail again. She looks a lot like Melissa, that's why she got my attention. The emptness now gives way to the sadness, deep sadness. I miss her so much, so much that hurts, I feel like crying. I know it can't be her, she's gone, but just like in the dreams that I had, I really want to talk her or just look at her again, for the last time, I have to stop her.
"Excuse me!" I said daring to touch her arm.
Suddenly, the slow motion stopped, giving way back to the same old rush. When I touch her arm and she turns to face me, she's someone else now, definitely not my sister, not even a woman, still someone familiar. It's Mulder.
At least he seems really happy to see me, which instantly makes my heart fill up with joy and beat slightly faster.
"Hey", I hear he saying.
"Mulder?", I'm more than surprised, I can't hide it.
"I was just looking for you". He sounded a little bit worried.
"But you're supposed to be in England". I'm still not believing.
"I'm back". He said looking deep into my eyes. Ow! Those eyes...
"What happened?". I really feel like understanding him.
"Nothing. There was no event. No crop circles. Big waste of time". He was being honest.
"Maybe sometimes nothing happens for a reason, Mulder". Now I'm being honest, to my own feelings, to myself, to him, for those past few days sake.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He is confused now. I love confusing him. Usually, he confuses me.
"Nothing". I can't help but to smile.
The truth is that suddenly, everything went incredibly clear.
He was everything to me. He was MY everything.
Every stumbled beginning
Every undeniable ending
All the paths lead me straight to him
He is every feeling, every sensation
He is my insanity
And the only thing that keeps me sane
A cancer that consumes my heart deeper and deeper
And the only cure
The most complicated love
And the most simple that I've ever had
My free fall
And my solid ground
My abyss
And my safe harbor
My last breath
Every single breath
All the questions
And the only answer
My only addiction
My cigarette
My drug
The piercing needle into my fragile vein
The only rehab
My disgrace
My freedom
My hell
My heaven
The evil
That only made me well
Every problem
And the only solution
All the lies
And the only truth
My torment
My joy
My pain
My healing
My disease
My medicine
My despair
My delight
My predator
My savior
My 'no way out'
The only exit
My agony
The only pleasure
The darkness
The only light
Everything that I hate
The only thing that I love
Momentary
Everlasting
Death
Eternal life
Never
Forever
So, for now on, I'll just quit trying to forget you, trying to get rid of this love, and simply decided to want you, just to want. I will allow myself to think about you, as many times I want to, without losing anything, without feeling guilty, without regretting it. I surrender, and I accept that.
"Come on, I'll make you some tea". Right now I just need to be next him, no matter how, even just to talk. God! I missed talking to him.
Spontaneously, I placed my arm around him and lead him away.
We're sitting really close on his sofa, which somehow makes me feel safe. We have been talking for a while now, drinking some tea. Usually we drink beer, though it's good to see that nothing had changed between us, we're still able to talk for hours without running out of subjects.
"I just find it hard to believe". He seem amazed with everything that I've just told him.
"What part?" Come on, Mulder, I've explained you almost every single detail, I think to myself.
"The part where I go away for two days and your whole life changes". Now he's just being cocky.
"Mmm, I didn't say my whole life changed". It didn't and that's exactly the point.
"You speaking to God in a Buddhist temple. God speaking back". Off course he would make a joke, that's his trademark.
"Mmm, and I didn't say that God spoke back. I said that I had some kind of a vision". I don't even know why do I keep always explaining myself, actually I do know.
"Well, for you, that's like saying you're having David Crosby's baby". Joking again, but I don't mind, in fact, I love his sense of humor, when I'm not irritated or pissed of I must add.
I know I look thoughtful right now and he noticed it.
"What is it?" He dares to ask.
"I once considered spending my whole life with this man. What I would have missed". I know exactly what I would have missed...you.
"I don't think you can know. I mean, how many different lives would we be leading if we made different choices. We... We don't know". Yes, he's actually getting what I'm saying.
"What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to". Now I'm just jabbering. I have so much to tell him, no, I have just one single thing to tell him, actually three simple, easy words. But they won't come out, so I just keep confusing him with my words, like he does to me. Then, why talk? I don't even know if he wants to hear it. Though, running away won't make things easier, so that's why I stay.
"Mmm. And all the... choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn, and... we wouldn't be sitting here together. Well, that says a lot. That says a lot, a lot, a lot. That's probably more than we should be getting into at this late hour". He is nervous, I can tell by the way he's jabbering now.
I can't help but to fall asleep. In fact, these past few days I didn't sleep at all, my body and my mind are really heavy, I'm really tired. Just having him this next to me makes me relax, I'm safe, he is my guardian. Though, I still can feel Mulder gently pushing a strand hair out of my face. Maybe he is starring at me at this moment.
I woke up in the dark, it might be very late.
I'm alone in his living room.
I needed him, I needed his touch, craved for his kiss. I needed an overdose of my one and only drug, the only one that could give me the most amazing joy, delightful sensation and then, depression and decadence. He killed me and made me alive at the same time.
Barely feeling my feet on the ground, I walked silently towards his bedroom, through the darkness.
There he was, so peaceful sleeping in his bed. Beautiful, tempting in his boxers and his perfectly shaped body. Yeah, you were definitely drawned by the hands of God, and you're probably his master piece. I was created from your rib.
I had to be near me, I couldn't stop myself, I can't control myself.
I saw his shirt lying above the bed, and I couldn't help but to grab it, feel his scent, his toxic scent. Almost like under chemical substances effect, I quickly go rid of my clothes and dared to wear his shirt, wear him. He wouldn't mind, I just wanted to be next to him, any scrap from his bread, any handouts from his love, even that I couldn't have him the way that I wanted, that was better than to don't have him at all.
So I sneaked carefully into his bed, just like a scared child again, searching for embrace, comfort.
He didn't move.
I laid my head into the pillow next to him, and just watched his sleep.
But to watch him and don't touch him is almost impossible. I gently caressed his face.
He suddenly woke up, looking a little bit confused, and then he saw me.
"Hey…I thought you were sleeping. I didn't want to wake you".
I couldn't step into another pointless conversation, not now, words just distract ourselves. I silenced him with a delicate kiss right into his mouth.
Then he pushed me closer and returned with a extremely passionate kiss.
The next step was unstoppable, again.
He was sleeping again, peacefully, pleased, but the thoughts wouldn't let me be.
After the overdose, comes the paranoia.
The truth is that I still didn't know if he wanted me to be there when he woke up. And to be honest, I didn't know if I wanted that either. I wouldn't risk loosing my unattainable.
I silently got up from his bed, grabbed my clothes that were lying on the ground, and walked towards the bathroom.
I started to get dressed when an another undeniable finding crossed my mind: Everything would be the same again. Love denial. Secret lovers at night, innocent friends by dawn.
I miss you already...
"Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?"
(All Good Things - Nelly Furtado)
Disclaimer: Do not own "The X-Files"
