Warning (Spoiler Alert): There is a relationship that will emerge between Katniss and Gale in the latter parts of this chapter. I am an Everlark shipper and I would not write this unless it was absolutely necessary for the story. If you do not want to read the parts where they are in a relationship, please skip the sections beginning with breaks that look like *...* instead of ...

Thank you.


03: Yeah, he's still coming, just a little bit late; he got stuck at the Laundromat washing his cape

I spend the majority of my time in the library. It's not unusual. With the amount of work that I have to do before Thanksgiving, my roommates are lucky that I sleep in the dorm and not in one of the library cubicles. But, eventually, I do have to make my way back to the dorm while they're still awake and I'm not looking forward to it.

It isn't a secret that they want to talk to me about what happened – about how I hid in a storage closet because of Peeta. And, while I admit now that it wasn't the highlight of my life, it isn't as bad as they think. It's not like I'm self-harming or doing anything dangerous. It was a storage closet and I would have made my way out on my own eventually if Johanna didn't freak out.

When I arrive, the place is dark. Glancing at the clock, I realize that they're at the hockey game, so I have a good hour before they make it back. I flip on the light and sit on the couch, keeping my laptop in my bag and turning on the television instead. They left a Friends DVD in so I start up the first episode on the disk and watch it.

My third episode has just started when my phone vibrates on the coffee table. I reach over to pick it up, certain it's going to be Madge again. She's texted me at least a thousand times this week asking me when I'll be home, turning into if I'll be home messages by the end of the week. But it isn't Madge. Instead it's Gale.

Gale Hawthorne [Sent November 21, 10:17pm]: Hey are you still at the library? I have a thesis chapter I have to finish and was wondering if you could use some company?

I frown. Gale loves hockey games and considering this game is against our crosstown rivals they all probably got trashed. But if he's going to work on his thesis, maybe he didn't go to the game with them like I thought he would.

You didn't go to the game? [Delivered 10:18pm]

The little bubble pops up, indicating that he's typing, but then it disappears. I keep watching, getting more confused as his typing bubble keeps popping up and disappearing. That should be an easy question to answer. Either yes or no. Finally, he sends whatever took him so long to figure out what to type.

Gale Hawthorne [Sent 10:20pm]: I did but I didn't drink. Beetee would have my ass if I don't have this ready and the edits done on my previous chapter by Monday :( so what floor are you on?

I roll my eyes. Of course Gale would still figure I was at the library and be pushy enough to ask which floor I'm on. We don't often study together. I do my best work alone.

I'm finished for tonight. I left an hour ago [Delivered 10:20pm]

But I can come if you need company. Mine can use all the work it can get and I'm just watching tv [Delivered 10:20pm]

This time, his typing bubble pops up and doesn't go away. He sends it within a few seconds.

Gale Hawthorne [Sent 10:21pm]: Nah that's cool. Enjoy the night off

Are you sure you don't want me to come? [Delivered 10:21pm]

Gale Hawthorne [Sent 10:22pm]: No seriously, Catnip, it's fine. I probably won't stay too long anyway and just go early tomorrow instead. Don't worry about it

My eyes narrow. That was a complete one-eighty. One minute he's worried about his advisor being mad at him for delaying his chapter and the next he's nonchalant about even going to the library? I shake my head. Thom probably suggested going to a bar and Gale decided he wouldn't get that much done before the library closes at midnight like it does on Fridays anyway. I try not to think anything of the weird exchange and look back toward the television.

About ten minutes later, I can hear someone pressing the keys to get into our dorm. The door swings open and Annie enters, taking off her coat to reveal the gold hockey jersey she wears to games.

"Hey!" she says, smiling. "I was beginning to think the librarian took you prisoner."

I shake my head. "Not yet," I say. "Where are Jo and Madge?"

"They went over to hang out at the Townie," Annie says. "They're having a chill night, I guess." She sits down next to me on the couch and smiles. "You missed a good game."

"Did they win?"

Annie nods. "Gloss scored with ten seconds left to put them ahead. Everyone was going crazy." She rubs her hands together and sets them down on her knees. I feel my senses go on high alert just a minute too late for me to run. "How are you doing?"

Suddenly Gale's odd text messages make sense. It was all some orchestrated scheme to get me alone with Annie, who is by far the best at talking to people in trouble. That's why Madge and Jo didn't come back with her. I turn away and cross my arms. This is like some sort of intervention and I don't think I need that.

"Fine," I say. "I'm actually really tired, so–"

"Katniss, wait," Annie says, reaching for my arm to stop me from standing. "I know that you don't want to talk about it, but we're all really worried about you. We just want to know what we can do."

I lean against the back of the couch and turn my head away from her so I can close my eyes. I feel like there are a ton of bricks that get dropped on my chest whenever I think about it. I haven't been able to check the blogs for fear of what I might see. I know Peeta didn't break up with me for his own personal gain. It hurt him too. But, after what Johanna had to say, it just makes me so confused. My emotions are so out of whack. I miss him and I know I still love him, but at the same time I'm really mad at him for letting Delly write that. Granted, he might not know that she did, but what if he does? He can't possibly be over me yet, can he?

"This situation is terrible," Annie continues. I feel her hand rest on my arm, gently rubbing in a comforting motion. "No one envies you for having to go through this. But we're here for you, okay? I'm more than willing to just listen to you talk if that's what you want to do. I know you might not want to, but sometimes it helps."

I had done so well not thinking about Peeta today. I had focused in on my thesis after class and whenever my thoughts wandered, I stopped whatever I was doing and did something else. I listened to music that reminded me of Johanna. I texted Prim to see how she liked the movie she went to see last night. It worked with varying levels of success.

I pull out my phone. My lock screen is still a picture of me and Peeta making goofy faces. There are times when I just look at the screen and get lost. I might as well admit that too.

Annie doesn't push. She just sits there, rubbing my arm and waiting. She'd probably wait a lifetime if I asked.

"I don't know what to do anymore," I murmur.

"What do you mean, hun?"

I don't know when I started crying, only that the tears that are running down my face are landing on my phone. I wipe the water away and turn to her. "I just want him to come home," I say. "And I don't want him to be around her anymore."

Annie takes me in her arms and lets me cry for a while. Once I'm no longer sobbing and it's dulled down to a few sniffles every once and while, she speaks again.

"I know it sucks. It's terrible watching someone you care about behave like that with someone else," she says.

I rub my nose. "You think he loves her?"

She shakes her head. "I don't think so. That'd be a little soon," she says. "But he might move on."

"He said he'd come back," I tell her.

Annie nods her head. "You know him better than I do."

She's right. I do. And Peeta told me that if it were meant to be it would happen again when he came back. He will come back. And when he does, I'll be right there waiting for him and we'll start exactly where we left off.

...

I usually spend Thanksgiving with the Undersees. Thanksgiving is too close to winter break for me to go home and waste money on an airline ticket for just a few days. The Undersees have always welcomed me with open arms. But this year I don't particularly want to go. Madge hasn't stopped looking at me like I'm part of those Sarah McLaughlin animal abuse commercials since the closet incident a week and a half ago. So, when Gale mentions in passing that he's staying on campus for Thanksgiving, much to his mother's distain, because he really needs to finish this section of his thesis before finals, it gives me the perfect excuse to stay too.

"Are you sure?" Madge says, her weekend bag slung over her shoulder. It's Wednesday and her dad is going to pick her up on his way home from work. "If you guys want to come just for tomorrow, you can. I'll come pick you up before dinner."

I shake my head. "We already told Father Boggs we'd go to his on-campus dinner," I tell her. Father Boggs is a Jamaican priest who holds a Thanksgiving dinner on campus for those of us lucky enough to have to stay. He cooks a bunch of traditional Jamaican dishes and there's usually no turkey, but apparently it's a pretty fun time.

I'll probably only go for a little while. The library is my new best friend now.

"If you change your mind," she says. Her phone starts ringing and she picks it up, telling her dad she'll be down in a few minutes. She gives me a hug when she hangs up. "Let me know if you need anything."

I nod and after she leaves I have the entire place to myself. Johanna skipped her class this week in favor of a cheaper flight and a few more days at home. She texted us a picture of the Yankees subway stop on Friday night because she knew it would rile Madge up. Annie took the train home earlier this afternoon. The dorm feels so utterly empty, but in some ways that's good. I haven't had a chance to really be alone in a week and a half. Whenever I came home it was either too late to really enjoy it or someone was awake and ready to try and intercept me.

But now it's quiet.

I'm an introvert – always have been and always will be. I need those moments to recharge by myself. I take a few minutes to just lie on the couch, taking a few deep breaths and letting my mind wander. But, of course, it wanders to places that I don't want it to go, like Ecuadorian towns and schools run by nuns and volunteers.

It takes me an hour to work up the courage to open my laptop. I've been fighting the urge to check Peeta's page again for the better part of the last five days. The initial pain over seeing Delly's comment has since subsided into a slow burn that is cooking me from the inside out. I need to see what has happened since then, see that Peeta is ignoring it or if he's retaliated with an equally disgusting post about her. I know it's the former – Peeta still loves me, I know he does – but I've never been able to check, that part of me that's a little unsure making it impossible to visit the page.

And, of course, Peeta hasn't updated. It doesn't surprise me, but it does leave me a little frustrated. I just needed a little thing from Peeta, a few sentences that didn't include Delly Cartwright, and my heart would start beating normally again. But nothing. Instead, I wander over to Delly's page and find that they had a silent retreat over the weekend and – of course – she and Peeta sat together in the van on their way to the center. There's a selfie to prove it.

My phone vibrates on the table and I pick it up.

Gale Hawthorne [sent 7:23pm]: Are you taking tonight or tomorrow off from working on your thesis?

There is no way I'm going to be able to work on it tonight. Not now that I'm in some crazy purgatory, stuck between wanting to sob uncontrollably and wring Delly Cartwright's sunburned neck.

Tonight [Delivered 7:24pm]

Gale Hawthorne [sent 7:24pm]: Wanna come over? I'm watching a movie and I have some mikes left over you might like

I shake my head. I can't go over there now, not when I feel my eyes getting wet. I grab one of the box sets of The Office that we have, my laptop, and my phone and wander into my bed before replying.

Nah I'm just going to sleep early. I was up all night last night working on it. Thanks anyway though [Delivered 7:28pm]

I've just gotten the episode started, the one where Michael is attempting to prove to Darryl that working in an office is just as dangerous as working in the warehouse, when he texts me back.

Gale Hawthorne [sent 7:30pm]: No problem. Sweet dreams. I'll stop by in the morning and we can go to Fr. Boggs's together?

Sure [Delivered 7:30pm]

I cry when it seems like Michael is going to kill himself while pretending to kill himself and manage to convince myself that I just really like Michael Scott and that this has absolutely nothing to do with Peeta.

...

When Gale knocks on my door before pressing in the code, I freeze for a split second before I remember that I told him we would go to the Thanksgiving dinner thing together. I don't want to go anymore. I want nothing less than to sit on this couch and watch Friends.

"Hey," he says walking in. When he looks at me, covered in a blanket with my pajamas still on, he raises an eyebrow. "You going in the Snuggie or what?"

"I'm not going."

"Why not?" he asks, looking me over. "Come on, Catnip. It'll be fun."

I look up at him and I know just from the way he looks back that my face is absolutely pathetic. Oh well, maybe that will get him to go away.

"I can't go right now, okay?"

He sighs. "Okay," he says, sitting down in Madge's butterfly chair. "What are we watching?"

"You can go."

"It's Thanksgiving, Katniss," he says, giving me a look that is just asking me to argue with him. "I'm not leaving you moping on the couch by yourself in your PJs and wrapped up in a Snuggie. Where did you get that anyway?"

"It's Madge's."

He snorts and looks back at the television. "Of course Madge has a fucking Snuggie," he mumbles. "Those things are the biggest joke."

"You know you can go," I tell him. "You don't have to stay with me. I'll be okay."

"Like I said, it's Thanksgiving. You're supposed to be with your family and you're the closest thing I've got to them right now," he says, his eyes not leaving the television as Joey walks out with a turkey stuck on his head. "It's either you, a room full of strangers, or my thesis. I'll give you three guesses as to what sounds the most fun and the first two don't count."

We end up marathoning all the Friends Thanksgiving episodes and when we get hungry we order from the local Chinese delivery place that all the kids order from when they're drunk. They even recognize Gale's phone number and he sheepishly explains to me that he's always the one who calls in their order. I think it's funny that the delivery boy calls Gale because he's at the Townie, just figuring that was where he needed to drop the food off, and no one was answering the door.

I think it's even funnier when the delivery boy makes a big deal of apologizing when he drops it off at my dorm.

"We have no self control when we're drunk, okay?" Gale says, turning bright red as I laugh. It's the first time I've laughed, really laughed, in a long time. "Chinese sounds good, we order, and we usually end up regretting it the next morning. And then we do the same thing the next weekend. My mom would have a heart attack if she knew I was eating this much take out."

"You have a kitchen," I say, pulling my container out of the bag. "You could totally make food."

"Hey," he says, pointing his fork at me. "We may eat a lot of take out, but it's because we know not to drunk cook. And with the dining hall two steps away? Would you cook?"

"I do cook," I tell him. It's Kraft Mac and Cheese and most of the time I still mess it up, but I do attempt to cook sometimes. Annie cooks for us. She's much better at it.

He shrugs. "Maybe you need to cook for me sometime, show me how it's done."

"Maybe I will," I say. Then I turn away.

Gale and I have always had the type of friendship where we tease each other. That's nothing new. But there is some sort of undercurrent to this conversation that is making me shiver. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it's different. Something I'm not familiar with when it comes to Gale.

We don't talk about cooking for the rest of the night. Madge calls to see if we're okay and then we try, and fail, to get to the library. Gale is a bad influence. When I start packing my backpack, he pulls out the DVD collection and insists that it's a holiday and we should enjoy it. So, instead of going to the library we end up watching Argo and then Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Or we try. I fall asleep halfway through. When I wake up, the title screen is playing over and over again and Gale is sleeping in Madge's butterfly chair. I shut my eyes and rest my head back on the couch pillow. The next time I wake up I'm in my own bed, the sun is shining, and when I wander into the common room, Gale has taken the couch. I shake him awake after I get ready and we stop by his Townie on our way to the library. I'm not letting him sway me into not getting my work done again.

...

We only have a week and a few days between Thanksgiving break and the start of Study Days, the most hated four days on campus that lead into the dreaded finals week. I only have two actual sit down finals, one at the beginning and one at the end, and since I've been diligent with my thesis work, I'm right where my advisor wants me to be going into the winter holidays. So, while Johanna, Annie, and Madge go study in a classroom, I either stay in the dorm or go to the library or sometimes just go for a run or something equally as unproductive to my schooling.

Johanna keeps watching me though. Whenever we're in the same area, I can feel her eyes on me, as if she's begging for me to breakdown in front of her again. I won't though. Not like that.

Peeta posts again at the beginning of December. It's basically just a rehash of everything he's done so far, more apologies for his lack of blogging, and a joke that maybe his family and friends should just be following Delly and Messer. I do, I have been, but it's like some strange form of masochism following Delly. She works alongside Peeta at the same school so they are literally together all the time. And while it seems like they're nothing more than good friends, I find myself biting back jealousy.

And a little bit of anger too.

Peeta is clearly having a great time in Ecuador. There is never a photo of him doing anything but smiling that huge grin that I fell in love with and whenever he does post he talks about how much he loves it there. Why is it that he is perfectly fine? I had asked him that the night before he left – how could he be so calm and happy when our world was literally falling apart around us? He's made his own little world it seems like, whereas mine is the same as it's always been with just one big gaping hole in it.

I hate what he's done to me. I literally feel like I have no control over any of my emotions. I go from astronomically happy just to see his face to mind-blowingly angry all in a matter of moments. I just need to go home. I need to be away from everything and everyone who thinks I'm in some grand crisis. Yes, I hid out in a closet, but haven't I shown them that I'm better than that? Can't they see that I'm going to be fine? I just need a little bit of time away to not think about anything.

But, as if the universe has decided to hate me, when I get home it's blatantly obvious that Prim has fallen in love.

At seventeen, my sister is more beautiful than I could ever hope to be, and it's no surprise that boys have taken interest in her. Had I gone on Facebook at all in these last few weeks, I probably would have known just how mushy and gushy she's become – posting love song lyrics and changing her profile picture constantly. But I had decided to block Facebook after spending hours one night going through Peeta's pictures after he was tagged in a #tbt Finnick posted and so I missed all of it. Which, to be honest, I'm kind of thankful for.

Because I get enough of it in person when I get home.

Dad warns me in the truck on the drive home from the airport that Prim has stars in her eyes. The kid, a boy named Harvey whose older brother had been in my grade and nicknamed Goat Man because the goats that belonged at the old Thread farm used to follow him everywhere, is gangly and her age but a sweet kid apparently that my father approves of and my mother really likes. He takes her places in his old beat up truck and always has her home by curfew and is a church boy. Prim can't go one conversation without bringing up his name and she's constantly texting him and all I can do is shake my head and try to hide my disgust at the whole thing.

By the end of my Christmas break Prim is already talking about marriage and how she thinks the story is so much like Mom and Dad's and I'm just so done with it that I'm not even sad to leave. What I want to do is knock some sense into her – because they've been dating for how long and she's dreaming about a wedding? Peeta and I dated for five months and we didn't start planning a wedding or anything like that and she's been in this relationship for five weeks, maybe nine at the most.

It's absolutely ridiculous. Stupid and a good way for her to end up with her heart broken.

I had planned to spend a good amount of my break with Prim, because who knows what's going to happen when I graduate, but we barely get more than a few uninterrupted hours alone. Instead, I spend time with her stupid cat Buttercup, who is just as mad about her getting a boyfriend as I am. It's the first time in forever that he hasn't hissed at me when we were in the same room.

There is no safe place anymore. When I'm at school I'm surrounded by Peeta and when I'm at home Prim is intolerable to be around. I'm not sure what one is better. Probably school, because at least then I'm not bombarded with Prim and her sunny disposition on love as well as Delly's blog posts.

I try to convince myself that Delly's posts included Peeta because they just so happen to work at the same school. If the other three worked at the school too, their faces would be all over her blog as well. They are when they go on outings. Delly spares no thought to rambling on for an additional paragraph just to include everyone in her blog posts. But Peeta is the predominant feature. There are pictures of them laughing, hugging, just being friendly in a way that if it were Finnick or one of the boys I would probably think it was cute, but it's not cute. Not at all. Because Peeta should know better. If he still loves me then he shouldn't be getting all cozy with some other girl.

Unless he no longer loves me.

It's the only thing that I can think about.

Is Johanna right? Did Peeta just string me along until August so he could feel good and then – whoops, sorry, Katniss, I gotta be free – or was it a more gradual decision? Feelings are things that confuse me. How can you be in love with someone one day and suddenly lose that the next? One day just wake up and say, you know what, that guy wasn't the great love of my life. How do people do that?

I want to be able to do that. If Peeta has done it, I want to do that.

He and Delly are clearly happy together. And I want to wish them well but honestly I just want to have Peeta out of my life. If I can't have him, I don't want to hear about the girl who does.

So when I get off the subway stop at school and walk to my dorm, I know what I have to do. Johanna, Annie, and Madge are all already there, talking enthusiastically about their winter adventures as if we hadn't been texting each other all break.

"Hey, Katniss!" Annie says when I walk in. "How was your flight?"

"You're right," I say, looking more toward Johanna than anyone else. "I need to stop stalking him."

The three exchange glances. "You sure?" Johanna asks.

I nod. "I want to get over him."

I had this all planned out in my head. The entire plane ride and then the subway journey were just consumed with thoughts of cleansing my life. Starting fresh. Starting over. But when I delete the Tumblr app and my account, I feel like I'm going to be sick, and when I let Johanna set up a self-control on my laptop for his page that she wants to monitor for the next few weeks, I feel my throat closing. But I don't start crying until I defriend him on Facebook and Annie, Madge, and Johanna do the same. Johanna also blocks Finnick's posts from coming through on my newsfeed.

And that's it. It takes ten minutes to completely remove Peeta Mellark from my life.

"This will help," Johanna says. "I promise. When I broke up with Jackson, this is what I had to do. It helped to not see him everywhere."

I nod, even though my stomach is rolling in circles. This is a good thing. I know it's a good thing. My head is telling me it's a good thing.

My heart just isn't listening.

...

It's as if I go through some sort of withdrawal. Like I'm a drug addict in detox.

I must try to log onto Peeta's blog at least three times a day even though Johanna blocks it every night for me and even though I'm willingly giving her power to do this, I get very angry with myself in the library when I spend an hour trying to figure out a way to hack the system. The self-control on my laptop is better than in my head though because I spend another hour starring at the public computers, trying to convince myself that I shouldn't go over there and log onto Peeta's page from them.

I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this because it will help me.

If it's going to happen, it will happen when he gets back.

Don't waste your life stalking Peeta when he clearly doesn't want you to be doing so.

I make it a week before I end up checking it. I accidentally forget my laptop in the dorm on my way to class and realize during my break that I have to finish up a quick post to the online server for this class. It shouldn't take more than five minutes, but I was going to do it between classes and if I go back to grab my laptop I won't have time for lunch, so I decide to use the school computers.

After spending the five minutes posting it, I realize that I might as well spend the next few minutes on the computer. The lines at the dining hall will be a mess and I can avoid standing and doing nothing by fooling around on the computer. I check my email, do some actually important things, and then type in Peeta's URL, something that after typing it in so often since September I have memorized even though I don't particularly want to anymore.

Peeta posted for New Years about a week late and he hasn't updated since. I've read this post before, a few times during the last weeks of my winter break, and each time it got more difficult to read. It was part of the reason that I finally bit the bullet and tried to block him.

It's not much of a post. He has a few pictures of him and his students. There's one of him and his housemates. He doesn't even mention Delly.

It's this one line, buried deep in a paragraph about teaching a kid named Julio how to play basketball, that gets me every time.

I'm already in so deep with these kids that I don't know how I'm ever going to leave them – perhaps Rosa will need a roommate when my term's up ;)

And now I'm crying in the middle of the library.

I quickly pack up my things and try to hide my face as best as I can as I walk out, but I think it's pretty obvious to everyone walking by me that I'm not doing well. Luckily we're in between class times on a cold winter day, most everyone is either in class or getting lunch. I walk through the plaza in front of the library and through the quad until I reach the building where my next class is, finding a little alcove and sitting down, trying to regain some composure. I have this elective with Gale. He'll notice if my face is blotchy and I look like I've been sobbing.

It's a joke. It has to be. The winky face proves it. That's what winky faces are for – and I know Peeta loves to use them when he's typing to make sure that people understand his joking nature when they can't hear the inflections of his voice.

But the thing is that I can see it not being a joke next year.

Whereas Delly and the others often blog about their experiences with their housemates and vaguely about the actual work their doing, Peeta's few posts are always about his kids and I know the reason that he's the worst blogger of the group is because he spends so much of his free time with them. I need to stop doing this to myself because, honestly, there's a possibility that Peeta might not come back, or at least not when he's supposed to. The fact that he broke up with me – told me to move on and have fun and don't wait for him, it'll happen if it's supposed to happen – gives him the free reign to do whatever he wants.

I may not be losing him to Delly. I may just be losing him to Ecuador.

Repellant. That's what I am. I meet and fall in love with the sweetest guy in the world – because, let's face it, nice people have a way of nestling into my heart and rooting there – and he takes off to help children in need. Which is all well and good, I suppose, except he's choosing this over me. Can't he help kids in the US? Can't he come back and take what he learn and apply it to kids that live near me? Or is that selfish to ask?

I sit in the alcove for a while longer, until it's almost time for class. I do want to stop at the bathroom and see how bad I look. I hope I can play it off like the redness is just from the cold weather. But, unfortunately, my luck sucks, as if I hadn't already known that. My face is so blotchy and red that I know it's going to not only be obvious to Gale but to the rest of the class.

I pull out my phone.

I'm skipping today. Can I get your notes later? [Delivered 12:54pm]

The response is almost immediate.

Gale Hawthorne [Sent 12:54pm]: Are you okay?

Gale knows me too well. Just like if I had sent this to Johanna, Madge, or Annie. I don't skip class. I'm paying a lot of money to go to these classes and everyone may laugh at me for saying that but it's true and I'm not wasting that. I've only skipped class a handful of times in four years – when I needed to have that extra hour to finish an assignment or when I was literally too sick to move. But Gale knows that this week is a pretty light week for me and there isn't anything pressing I need to do for my thesis that would make me skip.

I debate what to send him. He'll know I'm lying if I do. I type out a few responses and they all seem bogus, so I decide to go with the truth.

No [Delivered 12:56pm]

Gale Hawthorne [Sent 12:56pm]: Where are you?

First floor [Delivered 12:56pm]

Gale Hawthorne [Sent 12:57pm]: I'm on my way. Don't move.

He finds me sitting in the corner near the elevators with my legs pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. Within moments I'm in his arms and telling him what happened.

"This is killing you, Catnip," he says, and he sounds just as broken as I feel.

I don't want this to kill me. Before I met Peeta I prided myself on having nerves of steel. I could handout the cold shoulder as good as I could take it. I had always been on my own. For eighteen years of my life my best friends were my parents and my little sister. Other people didn't matter. Their opinions of me didn't matter. Whether they liked me or not didn't matter. Until suddenly they did. Madge and Annie and Johanna. Gale and the boys. Peeta. All of these people that I've let into my life and have come to care about just as much as I care about my family. And, for the most part, I know that they care about me the same way I do them.

"Why am I not good enough?"

I want to take it back as soon as I've said it. I barely let those thoughts into my own head anymore, let alone tell them to anyone else. But when I close my eyes I'm eight years old again and watching Leevy invite all the girls in our class to a sleepover party except me and it's not as if I was really good friends with her – I wasn't – but when you're the only one not invited it doesn't matter if you're friends or not. It only makes it worse when both your moms find out because the town is too damn small and make a big deal out of it.

That was the last time I went to a sleepover party and the first time I ever called my mom to pick me up early. The next day, after the tears had dried and Dad had promised not to talk to her dad during their shift, was the day my mom drove Prim and me to the county library for the first time and got me my library card.

"You know what, little miss," Mom had said when we got there. "Those girls just don't know what to do with you because you're too smart of a cookie, you hear? And one day you're gonna be doing something special."

Like sobbing in a hallway while skipping class because of a boy. I'm sure that's exactly what my mom thought when she got me that library card.

It's irrational to be pulling all this up because of Peeta, but that's what comes to mind anyway. Peeta is in another hemisphere right now doing extraordinary things and I should be proud of him, but instead I'm here feeling sorry for myself because, yet again, I'm pulling up last on a totem pole.

"Not good enough?"

Gale pushes me away slightly so he can look me directly in the eyes. "Katniss, listen." I know he's serious when he doesn't call me Catnip. "You're one of the smartest people at this school–"

"I'm not naturally smart. Not like half the people here," I tell him. "I just work too hard."

He shakes his head. "Forget him," Gale says. "If he can't see how great you are, forget him and find someone who appreciates you."

We disappear before class lets out again, walking back through campus while it's still in that dead time where no one is walking around. We're halfway back to my dorm when I groan. If my roommates see me like this they're going to flip out.

"Can we go to your Townie?" I ask. He nods, but I can see the curiosity in his glance. "Madge and Johanna don't have class right now."

"They're just worried about how you're handling everything," he murmurs, almost too quietly amongst the whistling of the winter air through the wind tunnel we're currently passing through. "Like I am."

I knock his shoulder with mine. "I'll survive."

It's like I've hit some sort of magical switch. The hopelessness evaporates from his eyes and I know that what I've said and how I've said it must have sparked something to make him believe me.

"Glad to hear it," he says.

Thom and Castor are playing video games when we enter and they barely look up to acknowledge us. Gale tells me to get comfortable and I sit down in one of the extra recliners they brought to outfit their room. It's old and big and takes up more room than it needs to, but it's much more comfortable than the university's assigned chairs. I know for a fact that they threw those in the large storage closet in favor of the other chairs.

It's nice hanging out with the boys. They're so invested in their games and then talking about their upcoming party this weekend that they only make a few comments concerning me – like how they're happy to see me and how they're pretty sure they're more fun than the library. And they extend an invitation to their party, which Madge and them already knew about but they send me home with that reminder.

Gale offers to walk me to my dorm but I tell him I'm not an invalid and I can do it myself. It's almost like that's what he wanted to hear because his face stretches into a grin when I say it.

The first thing that I hear when I open the door is the television. Of course my roommates are watching a movie. Madge and Annie are relaxing on the couch with plates of food, The Notebook playing softly on the screen. It's pretty far into it – Allie's talking with Lon.

"We left you some in the kitchen," Annie says, lifting up her plate. "Just leave a little for Johanna."

"Okay." I sit down on the arm of one of the chairs and watch the scene.

"...with Noah I feel like one person and when I'm with you I feel like someone totally different," Rachel McAdams says.

James Marsden sits down next to her. "Look, it's normal not to forget your first love. I love you, Allie, but I want you for myself. I don't want to have to convince my fiancée that she should be with me."

"You don't have to. I already know I should be with you."

"And they lived happily ever after," the narrator says.

I slide into the seat. I'll get the food later I guess. As much as I tell them I hate romantic movies, The Notebook gets me every time. I blame the fact that I read the book when I was thirteen and impressionable. And the fact that my first crush was on Ryan Gosling – who has just come back on the screen.

While Noah and Allie hug, I look over at Madge and Annie, who are unusually quiet. This is Madge's favorite part.

They're both staring at me. "What?"

"Nothing," they both say.

We turn back to the television. "Thom told me to remind you guys about the party this weekend."

"Are you coming?" Madge asks. "Please?"

They're both staring at me again, eyes wide in anticipation. "Sure," I mumble.

Annie smiles and Madge smirks. "I'm holding you to that."

I grit my teeth already trying to figure out a way to get out of it.

...

The rest of my week goes by at normal speed. On Thursday night, Madge tries to get me to go out with them but I have a music quiz on Friday morning that I probably don't need to study for but don't want to risk being hungover while taking. It's just my fine art elective and he drops the lowest one, but I'd rather just not have to study for the last one than feel like I have to do stellar because I've got one that I need to drop.

And, besides, Friday night is Gale's party.

I haven't been to a party and I haven't drank since last semester where I got so trashed that I blacked out on Halloween. I've only gone out with my roommates the two times that I've gone to Gale's parties and both times so far have been a disaster, so I decide that maybe going sober will keep me from being an absolute wreck. I suppose I'd rather be miserable there than end up causing more drama. I don't want to be the crazy diva with a chip on her shoulder.

Parties aren't my thing though – they're way too loud and crowded for my taste. I pour straight orange juice into a red solo cup and try to find an empty corner some place to stand in so I'm not completely surrounded. This party is especially wild. People have been going stir crazy with the snowy weather and now is time to let loose. Johanna is dancing on a couch, well on her way to being drunk if she isn't already. Madge is playing beer pong as Gale's partner. Annie is in the kitchen doing some sort of shot with people that I don't recognize but she seems to know.

"Hey, Katniss!"

I jump at the loud shout in my ear and some of the orange juice spills out over the top of the cup. Dalton laughs.

"I hope you didn't just waste any of our liquor."

"No, this is just juice," I say. He seems sober. Dalton is such an obvious drunk. There are some, like Gale and Thom, that I can never really tell when they've been drinking unless they're completely smashed, but Dalton goes loopy after a beer or two.

He must be reading my mind. "Sober contact," he tells me, taking my drink and having a sip. I let him. "I drew the short straw."

"Unfortunate."

He chuckles. "Now, it's my duty as the sober contact to make sure that everyone is having fun," he says.

"I thought you were supposed to make sure everyone was being responsible," I deadpan. That's what a sober contact is. I went to the meeting at the beginning of school that you have to go to when living in the senior area and they stressed this about a hundred times in the half-hour presentation about having on-campus parties and how, if you don't want to get in trouble, you should register them with the RAs and have a sober contact for them.

He shrugs. "Responsible fun, then," he says. "But you, my dear don't appear to be having fun – responsible or otherwise."

"I don't really like parties," I tell him. He already knows this but I don't know what else to say. "Madge insisted."

"I know," he says. "We're all happy you're here, but I just thought I'd come over and tell you that if you need a break, you can go upstairs. All the rooms are locked, but I can give you the code to Gale and Thom's if you want. They said I could." Then he winks. "As long as you promise not to steal anything."

I roll my eyes. They lock the doors to the upstairs bedrooms so no one gets drunk and walks away with something. Most of their valuable stuff is up there. Peeta told me that once during one of his parties.

"Oh, shucks," I say. "I was really hoping to nab Thom's illegal octopus lamp."

Dalton laughs. "I'm glad your sass is back, Everdeen," he says. His smile is warm and wide. "But anyway, the code's twelve twelve, just press the one and the two at the same time twice and it should light up green. If you need help, I'll be circling around here."

"Thanks."

He grins and takes one more sip of my juice before handing it back and walking away.

I do take up Dalton's offer to go upstairs for a bit. I walk to Gale and Thom's room and find the keypad on their door, pressing the buttons labeled '1' and '2' just as Dalton said. The little light blinks green and clicks, so I open the door and shut it behind me, relocking it and then walking into the room.

It's a pretty big mess. They have big boxes of beer and some handles of vodka that they're probably keeping up here just in case they need to use them later tonight but not wanting them to be out if they don't. Both of their beds are unmade. I throw Gale's comforter over his sheets and jump up, curling into a comfortable position. His phone plug is next to his bed and I plug mine in. It was close to dying earlier and I had stopped using it to make sure I sustained at least ten percent battery.

I'm playing a game when I hear someone pressing the keypad. It fails the first time, but the person tries again and it works. Gale walks in and smiles at me, walking over to the bed and sitting on his desk so he can look at me.

"You okay?" he asks, his voice slurred.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"You sure?"

I nod. "I am. It's just a little loud downstairs."

He grins one of those little boy smiles that drunk people tend to do – overly happy at the simplest things.

"I'm glad," he says. Then his smile disappears and he stares at me so seriously I would think he was sober if his voice didn't give him away. "It was killing me, Catnip. It was killing me to see you so upset."

"I know," I tell him. "But I'm going to be okay."

"Are you sure?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Are you still sad?" he asks. "Because you're playing good poker right now, Catnip."

I bite my lip. Gale's trashed and he probably won't remember this in the morning, but I still tell him the truth. "I think I'm always going to be sad. He was really important to me," I say, feeling my throat close up. I pause, telling myself to hold it in. I have to. I'm not going to explode right now. "But the earth's still spinning so I guess I shouldn't act like it's the end of the world, right?"

"I wish I could make you happy," he says.

"You do," I tell him. "You've been so good to me. I don't know what I would have done without you and the girls."

We share a smile and I tell him to go back downstairs. He does, after a few prods, and leaves me alone again. No one else comes up until Annie comes to tell me we're leaving.

...

It gets easier. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Peeta, but less of those days include me wanting to hide in a closet. There are moments where I wonder about what he's doing, but I check his blog less and less. I go to the winter play with Annie, I go to the gym with Johanna again, Madge doesn't feel the need to censor the movies we watch. I go to the hockey game against our rivals. I had neglected doing a lot of this first semester, spending the time alone locked in either the library or my room and stalking Peeta's blog, or Delly's or Messer's, in my attempts of finding out more.

Peeta clearly doesn't need me. He has his kids and this new life.

It feels good to be around my friends again. It feels good to be wanted. Dalton wasn't just being nice at the party – they all genuinely missed seeing me and make that known. These are the people that I should be pining for, the ones that actually care about me. If Peeta cared, he would have given me his blog information himself or decided to email me every once in a while. That's what Johanna says and when I mention it to Gale, trying to get the guy's perspective, he says that's what he probably would have done if he were in that situation.

"If I cared about someone, I'd make sure she knew," Gale says with gritted teeth. "I wouldn't just leave her hanging and hurting like you were."

For a while, part of me – a very delusional part of me – thinks about how maybe we're just like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. What if Peeta has been trying to write to me? What if I run into him or see him on the news in seven years and I find out that he was trying?

But that is a Nicholas Sparks novel. That's not real life. Besides, email is a lot more reliable and I don't have a mother or anyone trying to keep him from contacting me. It's just that Peeta doesn't care enough to do it and I'm angry that I wasted so much of my senior year thinking he did.

I'm just glad that I didn't waste the whole thing.

*...*

I've never been to a bar before. I turned twenty-one during finals junior year and the first half of my senior year was spent doing nothing outside checking in on Peeta and doing my thesis. But when Madge, Annie, and Johanna tell me that they're going to a bar in Twill Square, I surprise them all by asking if I can go.

"Of course you can come!" Madge says, the first to come to after my question. "Go get ready!"

"What do I wear?"

She sets down her curling iron. "I'll help you pick something out."

Madge and I are about the same size – both short with small chests and no hips – so when I need something to wear I can usually raid her closet. I look at what she has on while she pushes through her hangers. She just has on jeans, a pair of leather boots, and a sparkly shirt I know she bought last weekend at Anne Taylor Loft. I was there – she gushed about this shirt for at least twenty minutes and decided at the food court that she was going to wear it the next time they went out.

"Grab a pair of skinny jeans," she says, pulling out a black top from her closet. She moves to her dresser and pulls out a black lace bandeau before handing me both. "You can wear heels if you want it to be super sexy or boots if you want it to be more casual."

"This is sheer," I say.

She points to the bandeau. "That's why you have that. I mean, I suppose if you're more comfortable you can wear a cami under it, but, seriously? You won't be in the most revealing outfit tonight."

I've just put it on and am looking in the mirror, trying to decide if I'm actually going to do this, when Johanna leans against the doorway. "Meow, Kitty Kat," she says. "You look hot."

She's in a bodycon dress. It hugs all the curves that I don't have and leaves little to the imagination.

"Aren't you going to be cold?" I ask. It's still winter and still cold.

She rolls her eyes. "I'll be fine, Mom. It's not like I won't wear a jacket." She smirks. "The liquid blanket will help too. Come on, shots!"

The bar they've been going to is about ten minutes down the subway. It's called The District and I'm feeling a nice buzz when we get there. There's a decent line that Madge assures me will go quickly.

Johanna grabs her phone and reads a message. "Thom says they're inside already and have a table."

"How come we didn't go with them?" I ask.

Annie and Johanna both look at Madge and she groans. "Don't look at me like that!" she says. "They're just impatient! I don't take that long."

The bicker while we wait and the line, like Madge said, goes quickly. I'm almost nervous to hand the bouncer my ID, afraid that he's going to turn me away when he inspects it. It's real, but still. It's nerve wracking.

"All set," he says.

It's dark and there's music playing, but it's not the same type of crowded as a Townie party. There's a dance floor and what looks like...karaoke maybe? The large bar is located in the center and there are plenty of tables lining the walls. It doesn't seem so bad.

I just have no idea what I'm doing.

Madge grabs my arm. "Here," she says, pulling me to the bar. "I'll get you tonight, since we never did anything for your birthday like this. Drinks on me."

"Madge–"

She shakes her head. "Nope, I got you," she says. She leans against the bar and waits for a minute. Suddenly, a young dark haired bartender is at her side and asking her what she'd like. She orders what sounds to me like a bunch of gobbledygook and he disappears, pulling out what looks like a hose and two glasses. When he comes back he sets them down in front of her. I watch as she hands him cash and tells him to keep the change as a tip.

She spins around and hands me one of the glasses. "Here. Try this. You'll probably like it."

"What is it?"

"Amaretto Sour. It tastes like jolly ranchers," she says. I take a sip and she's right. It's really sweet. "Like it?"

I nod.

"Good," she says. "You can try a few different things tonight and see what you like." She holds out her own. "Wanna sip? It's Vodka Cranberry."

I take a sip and must make a face because she chuckles. Hers is a little stronger than mine. "I'll stick to this, I think."

"Annie usually gets a Tequila Sunrise at some point in the night," Madge says as we start walking. "Get a sip of that. You seem to do well with tequila. You'll probably like it."

We sit at the table with the boys while we drink our first drinks. Then Thom orders a round of shots. If I was feeling pleasantly buzzed before, I'm definitely feeling it now. Madge sets another drink in front of me and Gale offers me a sip of his Jack and Coke. My nose is numb and I press on it a few times as I look around our table. Johanna and Thom took to the dance floor, dancing rather close, and I notice that my drink is gone.

"One more?" Madge asks. I should shake my head but I nod instead. She grabs my hand and we skip toward the bar. We're on our way back to the table when we get stopped by two really pretty boys.

It's too loud and I miss their names, but Madge seems to get them.

"This is Katniss," she says, nodding to me. "And I'm Madge."

"Katniss?" the slightly shorter one says. "That's pretty."

I let out a short chuckle not sure what I'm doing. My stomach is flopping, like I shouldn't be doing this, but why? I'm not taken.

I look down at my shoes. I don't have a boyfriend.

I gulp and try to get my heart to stop beating so frantically.

Most of the conversation goes right over my head. They're first year graduate students at the business school down the road from us. The blond clearly has taken a liken to Madge and the one who thought my name was pretty has since disappeared. I guess when a girl doesn't really talk back to you there's no use standing around.

There's a tug on my hand and I get pulled into Gale. He smirks as he pulls me away from Madge and toward the dance floor.

"Give them a little space. Your wingman job is over," he whispers in my ear. "Let's dance."

I like being around Gale. He's familiar. In this place crawling with creepy looking people, Gale is someone I know I can trust. So when he pulls me onto the dance floor, I follow.

It's been a very long time since I've danced like this with a boy and it makes my head spin with thoughts of Peeta. He's the first guy that I ever did anything like this. But I don't want to get angry or upset thinking about Peeta when I'm supposed to be having fun. So I look over my shoulder and look up at Gale. He's looking down at me.

And that's when he kisses me.

Or maybe I kiss him. I'm not sure who initiates it. But whoever doesn't keeps it going.

Somehow I end up turned around so my front is pressed right up against Gale's, my arms around his neck.

"Okay?" Gale asks.

Off to our side, I can see Johanna and Thom staring at us. Her eyes are wide. Thom kind of looks angry. I don't understand what's going on. My head is heavy.

"I want to go home."

"Okay," Gale says. "I'll take you back to campus."

He takes my hand as we walk. I don't remove it.

My head is still heavy. It's like all of the alcohol I've consumed has finally hit me at the same time as all of this. I kissed Gale. Or Gale kissed me. Does it matter? We kissed each other.

I've kissed someone besides Peeta.

But Peeta has kissed other people. Hell, I wasn't the first person he slept with either. He had plenty of girlfriends before me and he probably has one now. Stupid Delly Cartwright. He's got to be sleeping with her. He broke up with me to have his fun. Why can't I? Why can't I react when someone actually wants to kiss me?

We head back to the table to grab our coats and we end up getting stopped by Thom. He seems to have magically appeared, Johanna at his side. She raises her eyebrows at me.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

I nod my head. "I just want to head back."

Thom looks me up and down, then he turns back to Gale. "Is this a good idea?"

"It's not like that."

"Bullshit, Gale," he says. "Be fucking smart."

Gale points in Thom's face. "Mind your own business."

Thom holds his hands up. "Fine."

I have no idea what they're talking about. I just want to go to bed. I want to sleep.

Gale and I take a cab back to campus and we're quiet for most of the ride, just listening to the radio. Gale throws a couple bills at the driver and then takes my hand, pulling me out of the car and asks me where I want to go. I shake my head. I don't know. I just don't want to be alone in my dorm when the rest of them get there.

We end up in Gale's room, sitting on his bed, and talking.

"Are you really okay?" he asks.

I move my head. "I'm really drunk."

"Really?" he asks. I turn to him and he's smiling.

"Stop it!" I groan, hitting him in the arm with my hand. I'm not sure it does much. "You're so mean."

We chuckle and I lean back so I'm on his pillow.

"Why did you kiss me?"

He takes in a breath. "I think you kissed me."

"Why did you kiss me back?"

He turns to me so we can make eye contact. He looks scared. I scrabble to a sitting position.

"I told you before," he says. "I want to make you happy. You should feel wanted."

That strikes some sort of nerve. My heart starts to pound. My hands turn clammy. I should go.

I lean up and press my lips to his.

*...*

I wake up alone in Gale's bed.

I'm still in Madge's sheer shirt and my jeans. Although I don't feel super hungover, I don't feel well rested. I glance at the clock on Gale's desk. It's a little before ten in the morning and both boys have left me alone in this room. I hop down off Gale's bed and wander into the hallway. The other two doors are still shut, the rest of their roommates still sleeping. There are voices talking on the lower floor. I'm almost going to ignore them but then I hear Gale speak and I sit down on the top stair to listen.

"You're going to get hurt," Thom says.

"You don't know that."

"She's still not really over that guy yet," I hear Dalton say. So Dalton's up too. "What if she's just rebounding?"

"She's the one that kissed me."

Thom snorts. "Doesn't mean you're not a rebound."

"Why are you being so mean to her?" Gale exclaims. "She's one of your best friends."

"Gale, I love Katniss, I do," Thom says. He sighs. "But seriously...it's not a good idea."

"You and Jo aren't a good idea either and you've been doing this on-off fuck buddy thing since freshman year."

"Yeah, but we're both on the same page!" Thom shouts. Someone makes a shushing sound. His voice comes back quieter. "I just don't want to see you get hurt. You're in it deeper than she is, even if she does have some sort of feelings for you."

I suck in a breath and try to wrap my head around what I'm hearing. Of course Gale has some sort of feelings for me. Now that it's been said, it makes sense. But do I actually want to do this again? And what if I don't? I kissed Gale. And the second time was definitely all me.

Why am I such a mess?

"I know what I'm doing."

When I hear Gale getting out of his chair, I stand up and rush back into his room. I'm still standing, preparing to get back up into his bed when he opens the door.

"Hey, you're up," he says.

"Yeah," I mutter.

"Hungover?"

I wish. "A little."

He reaches down to the box at the end of his bed and passes me a Powerade. I take it and thank him, bringing it to my lips. Anything so I don't have to talk. I'm not good at talking and, to be honest, neither is Gale. We're very similar in that regard.

He hops on his bed and watches me for a minute. I suddenly feel very naked in this shirt and I wrap my arms around my stomach.

Gale is a good looking guy. And drunk actions are sober thoughts, right? That must mean I have some sort of feelings for him – but feelings aren't exactly my forte. I'd like to think I'm not heartless enough to just kiss him at a bar because I'm mad at Peeta, and I know that there's a part of me that likes Gale's company. He's been so good to me this semester even though I blew him off while he was in Paris and he didn't need to be so kind. And, of course, there's that selfish part of me that enjoys the attention he gives me. The same type of one-on-one attention that Peeta used to give. It feels good to be wanted, but are those romantic feelings or just friendly ones? Is there a difference when your friend is a guy?

"So about last night..." Gale starts, but he sort of trails off, leaving me to fill in the rest.

"Yeah."

I don't know what else to say.

"Do you wanna, I don't know, go on a date? Just to see?"

A date's okay, right? I can agree to this now, go on the date, and then maybe it will be really awkward. Or maybe I'll actually enjoy it. Isn't that how things started with Peeta? A drunken kiss, a few dates, and finally the butterflies in my stomach were matched.

"Sure," I say.

*...*

No one is awake yet when I get back to my dorm, which I think it is a good thing. I need time by myself, to think, before I go get brunch with Gale. I figured the date would be some other time, but apparently since it's Sunday he thought it'd be best to do it today rather than wait through the week. Maybe that's a good thing.

I fall onto the couch and press my face into one of the pillows.

I don't want our friendship to get weird if we go on this date and it ends up being terrible. But at the same time, maybe it's what I need. Johanna said I needed to move on. I'm definitely attracted at least a little to Gale, everyone is, the only question is how much and is it enough to justify doing this.

I stand up and walk into my room. Madge is still dead to the world, curled up and snoring slightly. I take out my own more comfortable and casual clothes before removing hers. The sheer shirt gets folded and placed on her desk. Once I'm finished changing, I quietly exit the room and walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I'm trying to fix the visible bags under my eyes when Johanna and Annie's door opens.

Jo opens the bathroom and looks startled to see me for a split second. "Oh, you're back."

"Yeah," I say. I take another look in the mirror. Now the rest of my face just looks pale.

"Library time?" she asks, grabbing her toothbrush.

I shake my head. "I'm going to that crepe place in Meadow Circle with Gale for brunch."

If she's surprised by it she doesn't show it. She puts the toothbrush in her mouth and brushes while she watches me struggle, her eyebrow raised. Then she spits and hops on the counter.

"Come here. You're a mess," she says, grabbing a washcloth and wiping my face. "Let me help."

"Thanks."

We're quiet for a few minutes as she helps me fix my face so I look semi-presentable and not like I spent all night at a bar. As she's putting some eyeliner on me, she talks.

"So, you and Gale, huh?"

I remember what Gale said about Thom and Jo. They must have been talking last night after Gale and I left the bar.

"Do you think it's a bad idea?"

She hums that she's finished and I open my eyes.

"Do you like him?"

I shrug and start to clean the mess of powder I made on the countertop. "I mean...I don't know. I didn't like Peeta at first either."

Johanna lets out a breath. "This is Gale, not Peeta," she says. "Don't compare them. You won't do yourself any favors."

"I just...I dunno. I think I could like him."

Johanna nods. "Well, the only way to know if the pool's warm is to jump in, right?" I nod. "Just be careful. If you do decide to not do this, let him down gently. Text me if you need help with what to say."

My phone starts vibrating on the counter with an incoming call from Gale. She smirks and jumps down, grabbing her towel and walking toward the shower.

"Have fun," she says. She stops and turns. "Really, Katniss, have fun. Don't let Peeta get you down."

Once she shuts the door behind her, I reach for my phone, sliding the bar and picking it up. "I'm almost done."

"Alright. I'm outside. Come down when you're ready."

I take one more look in the mirror. Johanna worked some magic and I actually look cute rather than like death warmed over. I grab my coat off the couch on my way out and take the elevator to the bottom floor. Gale is in the lobby, leaning against the wall. When he sees me, he stands straighter and as I get closer he holds out his hand.

"Ready to go?" he asks.

I take a deep breath and nod my head, taking his outstretched hand in my own. "Yep."

As much as I worried, it's surprisingly easy to go on the date with Gale. Aside from the handholding and actually going off-campus to eat, it isn't so different from what we do anyway. We talk about our work, about our friends, television. Just nothing. And when it's time to go, instead of splitting it, Gale insists on paying. But, because he paid for the cab last night, I get him to let me leave the tip.

Maybe it's just that I've been starved of affection for the last few months, but when we leave and decide to walk around the little square for a while before heading back, I'm the one that reaches for his hand first. Holding hands was surprisingly something I loved when I was dating Peeta. I never thought I'd be one for too much PDA, but there's something about the action – this small bit of intimacy that isn't over the top. And, although I don't feel the same sorts of butterflies as I did with Peeta, it's not something I dislike with Gale.

So when he asks if we can do this again sometime, I say yes.

*...*

After my brunch date, Johanna is the first to pounce on me, wanting to know how it was. Annie is also eager and Madge listens in, but less so than the others. It looks like she's hard at work on her laptop as I tell them about the date. Johanna seems to think that this is exactly what I need and the other two are just happy that I'm not hiding in closets anymore. It's a stepping stone for me. I'm moving on.

We're all going to a bar on Saturday, the one near campus that a lot of students tend to go to, and I'm the first one ready. I open my laptop and debate checking in to see if Peeta has written anything, but Johanna comes out right as I'm getting ready to type in his blog's URL and I exit out of the tab completely, shutting my laptop and putting it on the couch next to me.

It's a good thing. I don't want to head down that road again.

With the shots we take before hand, and the shots we take with the boys before we head out, I'm not sure I'm going to need any drinks when I get there, so I refrain from getting one. Gale notices and we end up sharing his Jack and Coke, which I don't really like but I like better than hearing him ask me twenty times if I'm sure I don't want anything.

The bar is slimy and gross, a real dive if there ever was one and when everyone decides to hop over to a bar down the road, I grab Gale's hand and tell him I want to go back. There's no argument and instead of following our friends to the subway, we take the shuttle back to campus.

Gale takes me to his place and while he's putting the key into the front door, I lean into him a little. He finally gets the door open and pulls me inside. We drop our coats on the back of a chair before I take his hand and direct him toward the staircase. He follows me obediently.

My mind vanishes as soon as I'm in bed with Gale, my head against his pillow, my arms around his neck, my lips on his. His hands are everywhere that they can reach and the animalistic urges that I remember so well from being with Peeta spring into action. My core is throbbing, my heart is pounding, and I want.

I push him away just enough so I can tug at his shirt. He sits up to pull it off and while he's doing that I yank off my own. Gale's mouth is suddenly everywhere but my lips and I feel that wonderful shiver flood through me. He pushes my bra away and starts sucking on my breast and now I'm panting and squirming.

"Do you have condoms?" I ask.

Gale stops and looks up at me. "You want to have sex tonight?"

That wasn't what I really meant. I was just thinking that we're moving a whole lot faster than I had with Peeta. It had been months before I even had to worry about that, but I suppose the nearly four years of friendship has completely destroyed the need to take it slow with Gale.

Neither of us is new to sex. We've both dated other people. And we've been on a first date already. Aren't those all the rules?

Peeta has fucked other girls, the little monster in my heart growls. He's probably with stupid Delly Cartwright right now.

I nod my head.

Things are different with Gale than they had been with Peeta. Maybe that's because Peeta knew that I had never had sex before, but he was extraordinarily attentive to me, as if his pleasure was second best to mine. Occasionally we fucked, hard and fast, but usually Peeta liked to take his time with me. Gale and I move fast and furiously, as if there is some sort of fire lit beneath us ready to consume our bodies. It's not bad. It's just different. And that's okay.

Like Jo said, comparing them will get me nowhere.

We have sex again, this time without a lot of the urgency of the first and maybe that has to do with the alcohol wearing off, before Gale throws a t-shirt and shorts at me. I guess I'm spending the night. He tells me that there are extra toothbrushes in their hall closet, benefits of Dalton's parents both being dentists, if I want to brush my teeth and I do. I throw on his t-shirt, which hits my knees and probably looks extraordinarily comical, and grab a toothbrush on my way to the bathroom. I clean myself up and then finish getting dressed, brush my teeth, and slosh a little water over my face. While I'm doing that, I hear the door slam downstairs and realize the boys must be home. I quickly dry my face on Gale's t-shirt and try to rush into his room before any of them see me like this, but as I exit the bathroom, I run straight into Thom.

He just steps out of the way, not saying a word but his face showing how unhappy he is to see me, and for a minute I think that might be worse than hearing him tell me off. I'm frozen to my spot and he sighs.

"Go ahead, Katniss," he says, a weird defeated sound to his voice.

When Gale and I wake up early the next morning so we can go to the library together, Thom isn't in his bed. But I can pretty much guess where he is when I go into my room to change into more comfortable clothes than the ones I wore the bar last night. Annie is asleep in my bed and the text she sent last night asking if she could sleep there suddenly makes sense.

Gale calls it musical beds when I tell him on our way out of my dorm. Although I don't voice it, I think it's more of a big fat mess.

*...*

The end of senior year is weird – like a mixture between the administration telling us all to do whatever we want but at the same time insisting that we all do certain things. Our classes don't lighten up their workloads and after spring break, which we spend by going to Johanna's family's timeshare in Florida, Gale and I should have our own MTV show – Extreme Thesising. With the deadline approaching with rapid speed, we're in the library more often than we're anywhere else and, although I can honestly say I never expected to ever have sex in the library...whoops. I'll never be able to look at the hardly used fifth floor stacks again without turning crimson.

It's weird. It's like they don't want us to get any sleep. Between the workload that we still have to do to graduate and all the special events they hold – often with titles that have 'last' in them – it's like a punch in the gut.

And, of course, there's the added pressure of finding a job.

Annie has a job already. She's volunteered at a homeless shelter here for her entire career and they've offered her a paid position now that she's graduating as a caseworker. She's thrilled – it's the type of work that she's always wanted to do – but that just makes us all that much more antsy. Madge's dad is high up in city politics and, if all else fails for her, she at least has those connections to fall back on. Johanna is going back to New York, although she's not entirely sure what she's going to be doing, but she's still keeping her eyes open here as well. They'll all be staying fairly close and I have a few solid interviews at labs here. I could stay here too.

Except Gale gets into his dream law school – Duke, all the way in Durham, North Carolina.

And he wants me to come with him.

In some ways, it makes a whole lot of sense. My family is from the south. He's from the Durham area. It makes more sense to be near our families, right? Rather than staying here in the northeast, we go back to where we're from. And it makes sense that, if we're going to continue a relationship, we should be at least semi-close to each other. It would probably end in disaster if I stayed here and he went there and we could only see each other every so often. There is, of course, that other part of me that doesn't want to let him go somewhere I can't follow because that's what happened to Peeta and look where that ended.

But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that sort of commitment to Gale. Being in a relationship is one thing – moving hundreds of miles away and living together is something else entirely. We've only been dating for a few months – but I know that isn't a valid excuse. Our relationship has moved like a wildfire and even if we've only been dating for a few months we've known each other for years.

I don't give Gale a definitive answer one way or the other. He keeps sending me job listings in the Raleigh-Durham area and I keep looking at ones here as well. I know he's getting frustrated with me, but I just don't know.

With my thesis done and not really a lot of work left for the semester, I finally get a chance to breathe and really think. It's so hard because I worry that if I leave here and head to Durham with Gale, I'm locking myself in. Who's to say this wildfire won't blaze right into an inferno and in five years we're married with a couple of kids. Do I even want that? I sit outside in the warming late April heat, letting the sun shine down on me. I take a few deep breaths and run through the pros and cons. But it doesn't really help. When I decide that I'm going to definitely stay here and let Gale decide what he wants to do about our relationship, I second guess myself. And when I decide that I'll go with him, I wonder about how much I'm going to miss here – with Madge and Annie and Johanna all within driving distance of each other, I'll have to spend an entire day traveling just to see them.

I look at my watch. Prim's out of school by now and I think I need someone who isn't biased to help me figure things out.

"Hey, Katie-Kat!" Prim says. I can almost hear the smile in her voice. God, I miss her so damn much sometimes.

"Hey, Primmy," I say. "Do you got a minute?"

"Anything for you. Hold on just a sec though," she tells me. I hear her say something to someone and then some shuffling. Finally she comes back. "What's up, sissy?"

I let out a breath. "Gale asked me to move to Durham with him."

Prim knows about Gale, although she doesn't know too much. We've talked a few times, but with her busy life – who knew getting a boyfriend would make her so unavailable? – we don't get a chance to talk as much as we used to. But she's been hearing about Gale for years so she hasn't really had to learn anything about him as a person.

"Oh my gosh," she says. "What did you say?"

"Nothing." I groan and cover my face with my elbow. "I don't know what to do."

"Do you mean you don't know what you'll do when you get there or you don't know if you want to go?"

"Gale keeps sending me job descriptions to look at and some of them sound really good," I tell her. "I guess I'm just scared to make a mistake. I don't want to lose him like I lost Peeta."

"It's different, Kat," she says. "It's not like you can't communicate or even visit Gale if you decide not to go. What would you do if you didn't go with him?"

This is why everything became so difficult. "I got a job offer today. Here. I have until Monday to tell them my answer."

I can hear her breathing on the other line, probably deep in thought.

"Have you talked to Gale?"

I shake my head only to realize she can't see me. "No, he's in class right now. I haven't seen him since I got the call. And I wanted to at least kind of have an idea of what I was going to do before I talked to him anyway." I shut my eyes. "Everything is just moving so fast, Prim."

She sighs. "I can't tell you what to do, but I think if you're nervous about declining that job, then you shouldn't be. Everything happens for a reason and if you really want to go with Gale, you should do that and forget about a job you'll leave behind. You'll find another one eventually." She lets out another breath. "But, if you're not sure about Gale, it might be better to take that job and do long distance for a while. Because, who knows, if he's willing to do that for a while you might realize six months down the line that you want to follow him and you can. You can go." She groans. "That probably didn't help you at all."

"I was kind of hoping you'd tell me what to do."

She chuckles once. "No can do, Kat. This is all you. Although, if all things were equal, Durham is closer to me." She giggles before turning serious again. "But don't make your decision based on me. It needs to be about you."

"When did you get so grown up?" I ask.

"It happens every once in a while," she says. "Let me know what you end up deciding."

Once we hang up, I roll over onto my stomach and start picking at the grass. I wonder if this is what Peeta was feeling last year – like your whole life is on the line and if you make one wrong decision you're toast. No one else seems to be having this much trouble around me. This choice should be easy.

Gale knows I'm here in the quad. I sent him a text so he'd know to come after he got out of class. Prim is right. I do need to talk to him. I lean against my hands and watch the walkways become full with people leaving class, a mass exodus it seems of students wanting nothing but to enjoy the finally nice weather. I see Gale before he sees me, walking with a redheaded girl I've seen around – a friend of his from another class or maybe a club.

It is completely irrational, but I start feeling toward her what I felt toward Delly Cartwright – anger and jealousy. And suddenly I'm confronted with that same fear again. The thought of losing Gale the same way I lost Peeta is inexplicably difficult to imagine. If we had grown apart, separated by different interests then sure, but I know that distance invites other girls in. It happened with Peeta and I can't make the same mistake twice.

So when Gale flops down beside me and grins, not knowing anything of what's going on in my head, I lean over and kiss him. He doesn't even need to know about the job offer.

"I'm coming with you," I say. "I decided that I'll come to Durham with you."

He sits up and stares at me, as if for a moment he thinks everything is too good to be true and maybe it is, but I didn't get the chance to follow Peeta and I can't lose this opportunity that I didn't have with him.

"Are you serious?" he asks. When I nod, he grabs my face in his hands and kisses me breathless. "This is...Catnip, this is perfect. I love you so much."

This isn't the first time that Gale has said this to me. He said it last weekend too, when we were in his bed and he was stroking my hair as I was falling asleep after we'd had sex. I pretended not to hear it, that I was already lost to dreamland, and it seemed to work. But I definitely heard it this time. There's no denying that.

I'm not exactly sure if I'm in love with Gale. I told myself after Peeta left me at the airport that I would never fall in love again. But I do love Gale. He's my best friend, my boyfriend, the person that I'm going to be spending huge chunks of time with once we leave college. Of course I love him. But I don't think we love each other the same way.

Thom was right that morning. Gale is in this much deeper than I am and it probably makes me a terrible person for doing all of this with him, but maybe one day I'll get over myself and be able to fall for him the way he has for me. For now he'll just have to understand that I'm not ready to say it back.

So I just smile and say, "I know."

It seems to work for now.

*...*

The day before graduation, Madge's family has a huge party. They live in a huge house, one of those McMansions really with a large lot in the back and a grand exterior with columns. My parents definitely feel a little out of place when I tell them about it and the fact that Madge's family is hosting this party for all of our families. Madge's parents are both only children – or, well, Mrs. Undersee had a twin sister once but she has since passed away – and this party is to get all of our families together for really the first, and probably last, time.

It's also the first time that my parents and the Hawthornes will be interacting.

To say that I'm terrified is an understatement.

I only met Peeta's parents once and, by that point, we weren't really together anymore. My parents never interacted with them, or him either. Our relationship was solely between us. I've met the Hawthornes before. They've taken me to dinner in the past when they visited, before Gale and I even thought about getting together, and I suddenly find it very hard to look Mrs. Hawthorne in the eye knowing everything that I've done with her son. But Gale has never met my parents before – they only brought me to school freshman year and the rest of the time I've traveled alone.

Although, the fact that he's swayed me into living in a city that is five hours away rather than twelve or thirteen has given him something of an edge for them. Besides, I think after what happened with Peeta, my parents are thrilled to hear I've found a good southern boy rather than a rascal from New Jersey who jetted away and broke my heart.

Prim is a great buffer though. She knows exactly what to say to merge our very different families.

For a moment, I think that this can work. This can be good. Gale has his arm around me, talking amicably with my parents. Prim is telling Gale's little sister about that stupid cat. And we're all mingling and it's all good until Prim waves her hand in the air, gesturing to me while she tells Posy about how I locked Buttercup outside during a rainstorm once, when I notice the glint of sparkle on her hand.

I grab it instantly, roll out of Gale's grip, and say, "I need to talk to you for a minute."

Once we're off to the side of the yard, I stop and turn back toward her. "What is that?" I demand, keeping my hand on her wrist and looking closer at the small diamond on her hand.

"Mom made me swear not to say anything until after you graduated," Prim says. "This is about you."

"Well that's too bad because I already saw it," I say. "What did you do?"

She glares at me. "I said yes," she says. "I'm marrying Harvey."

It's like my entire world crashes down.

"You're marrying Goat Man Jr.?" She squeals in disgust at my nickname but I don't pay her any attention. "You're not even eighteen yet! Prim, what are you doing?"

"For the record, I'm turning eighteen in five weeks. But does that really matter? Kat, I'm following my heart."

"What about college?"

"I don't want to go to college," she says. "I'm not like you. I want to stay in town and get married and have kids and be like mom was. That's what I want."

I lean against Madge's fence and put my head in my hands. It shouldn't surprise me as much as it does. Most people that I went to high school with are married with kids. It's really not that unusual for the town we live in. But after going to school for four years here and being surrounded by twenty-one and twenty-two years olds who aren't married or even thinking about it makes Prim seem so young.

And maybe it's because I can't imagine being married right now. I can barely imagine what life with Gale will be like when we leave for Durham. And knowing that Prim is getting ready to take this step makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me.

Because, when I look back at Gale and see him talking to my parents, I'm not sure I even want to get married. To Gale or to anyone.


Notes

Chapter title taken from "Waiting for Superman" by Daughtry

The episode of The Office that Katniss is watching the day before Thanksgiving is "Safety Training" (Season 3, Episode 20)

The episode of Friends where Joey gets his head stuck in a turkey is "The One with All the Thanksgivings" or Season 5 Episode 8. This is the episode Katniss and Gale are watching when he comes to her dorm.

"They're just worried about how you're handling everything...like I am" said by Gale and Katniss's response, "I'll survive" is slightly reworded from this section in Mockingjay, after Katniss returns from visiting District 12: "...They'll mostly be worried about how you're handling it." Gale touches my cheek. "Like I am." I press my face against his hand for a moment. "I'll survive." – it is on page 19, in Chapter 2, of the US Scholastic hardcover.

The Notebook is, of course, by Nicholas Sparks and the movie, released in 2004, stars Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, Gena Rowlands, James Garner, Sam Shepard, Joan Allen, and James Marsden. I had included this scene well before hearing of James Garner's death on Saturday. He was such an amazing actor. RIP.

My first time to a bar was very similar to Katniss's, minus the whole Gale part. My friend bought me an Amaretto Sour to start me off and it became my go-to bar drink for the rest of the year and there were two very pretty boys.

Meet the new Lady...his name is Harvey and he's not a goat, however Katniss will continue to refer to him as Goat Man Jr.

Thank you as always to Swishy for prereading and giving me the courage to post it. I know many of you will not be happy with this chapter, but I'll tell you what I told her. Peeta is coming, keep the faith and hopefully the reward will be worth it.