The Betrayer's Mask
CHAPTER 3
© SuperUnexpected Girl
Bishop agrees to join us, at least for the time being, and I must admit I feel a certain comfort in the fact that there is a familiar face in the party, even though my feelings towards him war within me constantly. On our way back to the Veil, he typically slips back into his mocking, dangerously suggestive attitude, and it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to insinuate himself back into my bed tonight. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that either. To trust that man again so soon goes against everything I thought I knew about myself. His soul is damaged, true, but even understanding that doesn't make it easier to forgive him. But then again, I never did have enough willpower when it came to resisting him. I slip away quietly when we get back, wanting to take off my armour and relax a bit without his eyes on me for five minutes. There is a soft tap at my door, and I look up. "Come in." It's Safiya.
"Are you coming down? I thought that we should discuss our next move over some food. Magda makes a mean beef stew…"
"Thanks Safiya, I'll be right down, just let me take off my armour." She smiles, but hesitates. "Was there something else you wanted to talk about?" I ask.
"Well, that man, Bishop…" I sigh inwardly. I knew this was going to come up.
"Yes…?"
"I don't trust him Sennah. Not only the way he looks at you, which in itself is disturbing, but he's hiding something." She sighs and rubs her shaved head. "It's not as if we all don't have our own secrets, but he's hiding something big…"
I open my mouth to defend him and offer a sharp retort, and then stop. She was right of course, the difference was, that I knew most of what Bishop was hiding from them… or at least I thought I did. I sigh.
"Bishop is… difficult, Safiya. But he's talented. He's one of the best archers and rangers I know, and yes, he's hiding many things, some of which I know, some I don't… nevertheless I will watch him. He and I have a complicated history, and I don't entirely trust him again yet, but… I appreciate your concern."
She nods and turns to leave, and I can feel her disapproval. "Safiya…" She turns back and looks at me. I blush, embarrassed to be asking this question, so I just plough ahead. "Uh… how exactly does he look at me?"
A look of amusement passes over her disapproving expression and she says wryly, "Not that I've known him more than a few hours of course… But I've been watching. Sometimes he looks at you in much the same way that Gann does." I shift uncomfortably at this, remembering my growing feelings for the shaman with guilt, enhanced now that the ranger is back. "Other times the look of hatred…" She stops, not knowing what to say.
I close my eyes briefly, trying to stop the tears that threaten at this news. "Thank you Safiya. I should have expected as much." She looks at me curiously, but when it becomes evident that I'm not going to elaborate, she nods.
"Well, I guess I'll see you downstairs then." She shuts the door quietly behind her and I unlace my leathers and wash up briefly before going downstairs.
As I approach the eating area I can hear the others talking and joking with Magda. Gann, in his usual manner is charming her into giving him the best portion. I walk towards the door and feel strong arms slip around me from behind, restraining me gently but firmly. I can feel Bishop's breath on my neck and hear him inhale the smell of my hair, now cropped short since last time he saw me. "It still smells the same, no matter how you've cut it," he growls. I half turn and can see his profile, know that he's going to lean in and kiss me, and if he does, then I am lost.
"Yes, well I got tired of the long hair and needed a change," I say. "Plus it makes it easier to fight if you don't have to worry about hair getting in the way all the time." I disengage myself from his arms, and he holds on just a moment longer than necessary. He follows behind as we go to get some food and sits down opposite me, no doubt so he can continue to watch and torment. The group talks about our next move whilst we eat, deciding if we need to go to the Thaymount Academy the next day, or if there are any loose ends that need to be tied up beforehand. Eventually it's decided that our next step should be the school, and we make preparations to leave early the next morning.
"So Bishop," Safiya says, whether to make conversation or to probe more deeply into his secrets I don't know, "how did you get that fine scar on your face? Must have been quite some fight…"
I stiffen and Bishops laughs softly, mockingly. "So Sennah didn't tell you I see…" I look up at him gazing at me with those dark, watchful eyes, tormenting me. "She gave it to me… Slashed at me with her dagger and I wasn't quick enough to move out the way. It went much deeper than I originally thought and…" he smirks, "there wasn't a healer close by… well… the only ones that were around were either dead or wished the same of me."
The conversation, up until this point quite lively, dies and there's silence around the table. The only one who looks unsurprised is Gann, and his face is inscrutable. "You must have done something bad." Safiya says, a hard tone appearing in her voice, and I'm sure she's trying to goad him into revealing his secrets. "I've never seen her attack unprovoked…"
He smiles and says casually, "Oh, yes, I don't deny I deserved it. I betrayed her and tried to kill her…" Safiya looks a little shocked. I smile inwardly although my face stays immobile, even though I'm fairly surprised he admitted it so readily. I'm sure she wasn't expecting him to do so either but Bishop always did speak plainly, if not completely honestly. He turns his gaze away from mine to look at her. "That is what you wanted to hear isn't it Thayan?" She leans away from him slightly, a revolted expression on her pretty face. "I may not be able to see into people's dreams like the hagspawn here, but I'm pretty good at reading people…" He glances again at me, "Well… most people." He turns back to Safiya, "And your expressions are easier than most even if I can't quite figure you all out yet. Like those voices you hear…"
Safiya starts and glares at him angrily. "How did you…?"
"Alright that's enough," I say, perhaps a little too sharply. "It's true. I gave Bishop that scar." The eyes resting on me are curious, and I try to control the nervous smile that twitches at the corners of my mouth, as the words start to tumble out a little too quickly, betraying my anxiety at speaking all of this aloud. "We might as well get all the cards on the table. Everyone here knows my history and how I ended up here. So the rest of it… Before we finally fought the King of Shadows, Bishop betrayed us, siding with a mage called Black Garius who was a servant of the enemy. When we met again he walked away. True, after we had fought and I gave him the scar, but nevertheless he walked away rather than kill me." I don't mention my companions as I'm sure he wouldn't have hesitated to kill them were it not for me, but the new group doesn't need this piece of information to cause them more discomfort. But it sounds like I'm making excuses for him and I hate that he's put me in this position. I glare at Bishop. "Are you happy now?"
"Not quite yet…" he grins, "Aren't you going to tell them the rest of it? What I am, what we were? Seems to me we might as well go the whole mile." I narrow my eyes, knowing that he's doing this to make me seem weak for accepting him back, trying to undermine what little authority I might have.
Through gritted teeth I say, "Fine. He's a murderer, a former Luskan assassin and a betrayer and yes, we were lovers. And I loved him against my better judgement, and," I say spitefully, "although he won't admit it to many people, he loved me too… Is that all Bishop?" I ask angrily.
"I think that about covers it…" he grins, "If I think of anything else I'll be sure to let you know."
Shocked silence. And then… "And you're asking us to accept this maniac into our party?" Safiya asks incredulously.
I look at her. "Well who else do we have so far Safiya? What makes the rest of us so much better than him? Granted, we are far more honourable than him…" I throw a scathing look at Bishop and his grin widens, "but so far we have you, a red wizard, reputation or no, who hears voices in her head," Might as well get this all out in the open, I think, "Kaelyn who has abandoned her god and the Menagerie in favour of bringing down the Wall of the Faithless; Gann, who I released from a prison cell in order for him to help me fight Okku, who until recently wanted to kill me and has supposedly disgraced his ancestors! Does it really matter that Bishop is just a different kind of outcast to the rest of us? Like I haven't killed more people than I can count in the last few months!? Of all of us, I am probably the worst, as I have the lovely spirit eating demon inside me and yet you still follow me!" The words just spill out of me, and won't stop coming as my voice climbs by an octave. "Why do you follow someone you know could go insane and kill you at any time if she doesn't feed often enough!? And even if I didn't, the chances are that this curse could be transferred to you. Either way I worry that it will get you all killed…"
I stop, hearing the edge of hysteria that has crept into my voice. Bishop is watching me with an annoyingly amused expression on his face, and I feel my face burn at my emotional outburst, my ears getting hot and even though I can't see them, I'm sure turning red. I open my mouth to break the uncomfortable silence when Gann speaks first and I notice the irritated set of Bishop's shoulders although his face gives away nothing.
"We are all fully aware of the danger your curse represents Sennah, Okku as a spirit and Safiya especially since she is deeply involved in this whole spirit-eater…" He waves his hand vaguely in the air, "thing… and yes, we follow you for a number of reasons, but that doesn't mean that we care about you any less." He looks directly at Bishop, who doesn't meet his eyes. "Even the ranger… strange as it may appear to others as he did try to kill you, cares about you, that much is apparent in the way he stares at you."
At this, Bishop looks up angrily. "Don't presume to know my mind hagspawn," he sneers derisively. "You don't know anything about our history. Nothing more than the version she has given you."
Gann smiles calmly. "You'd be surprised what I know Bishop. I don't pry into others dreams unasked but yours sit close to the surface and they reveal themselves, albeit in a somewhat confused manner." At this, Bishop becomes incensed and I can see him opening his mouth to argue when Gann cuts him off by holding up a hand. "Don't take offence ranger, it is the way of many damaged souls for their dreams to infuse their waking thoughts and I am merely more susceptible than most to seeing them. I won't reveal them to others, rest assured." This doesn't seem to have had a placating effect on Bishop however for once he keeps his sharp words to himself and glares at Gann in silence. "The point," Gann continues in the same calm voice, "is that we are all aware of your feelings towards her, as is obvious by the way you watch her… And I'm offering a warning. She is giving you a second chance and if you betray her again there will be hells to pay."
Bishop stands abruptly, knocking his chair to the floor. "You know nothing hagspawn," he hisses. "But rest assured, she is safe when she is with me, no matter what you might think." He strides away, throwing an angry glance at me over his shoulder.
There is an uncomfortable silence as he leaves and then, surprisingly Gann chuckles. "I can guess that didn't go as he planned," he says.
I smile. "Thank you for sticking up for me Gann. I appreciate it."
"They're not just words Sennah," he says. "No matter what we might think of him, we'll tolerate him because of you," he throws a hard glance at Safiya, who nods stiffly, and continues, "and indeed if he hurts you again, he won't escape with a mere scar this time."
I smile, a lump in my throat that I refuse to let climb any higher and materialise into tears. "Thank you, but I sincerely hope this time it won't be necessary."
"Hmph," Safiya snorts.
"Safiya…" says Gann soothingly.
"I know," she mutters, but raises an eyebrow at him nonetheless.
"Well after all those confessions I think I'm going to get some rest," I say, standing up. "Not for long, a couple of hours maybe, and I'll be back down later."
"Sleep well," Gann says. "Let us hope your nightmares are at an end…" I look at him curiously as I haven't told him the details of my nightmares but I say nothing. Gann is full of surprises…
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Bishop. Of all the… that damned hagspawn… My thoughts swirl incoherently in my head, and the anger at the way things turned out makes my hands clench involuntarily at my sides, my nails biting in to my palms. I stalk away from the table, fully intending to go and brood in my room, but instead I find myself outside her quarters, my hand on the door and impulsively I push it open and make my way to her window. As I stare out at the unfamiliar city, the impact of the fact that she is alive, at least for the moment, hits me and my anger evaporates. I should be grateful that she is here, not angry when she has every right to hate me. She was always too forgiving…
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I nod and walk away, hearing Safiya mutter disapprovingly, "I hope she has better sense than to go and find him…" I pretend I haven't heard and walk slowly to my room, brooding on what Gann has said to Bishop. As I open my door, I see him standing by the window, leaning against the wall in an all too familiar stance. "Gods Bishop, haven't you argued with everyone enough for one day!? Just go away and leave me be."
"I didn't come to argue with you Sennah," his voice softer and more vulnerable than I've ever heard it. "I… came to…" he hesitates, "apologise…" I stare at him open-mouthed, and then realise how I must look and try to recollect my wits.
"Apologise? You? What for specifically? Betraying me? Trying to kill me? Or perhaps for provoking me in front of people I barely know?" My voice rises and comes out sharply however he doesn't get angry as I would have expected. Instead he smiles and looks down, not meeting my angry gaze. Well that's a first I think to myself.
"All of those things and more." He glances up at me, a smile in his dark eyes. "Although provoking you was fun, even if it didn't turn in my favour." His attempt at humour doesn't ease my irritation and I stare back at him impassively. He has the grace to look uncomfortable. Another first I think. He clears his throat and then breathes in and exhales slowly, running his hands through his thick, bronze hair. "Look, the way I see it, you know my secrets, particularly the more shameful ones, and yet you still care for me… or at least you did, and I can't ask for more than that after the way I treated you, both in the temple and tonight. I don't know why you do, but… I'm… grateful for it." He sighs and sits down on the bed, putting his head in his hands.
"I'm not a good person Sennah, and whatever you think, I'm not blaming it on anyone but myself. I've made those choices and I can't lay that on anyone else, least of all you. I followed you, loved you and then tried to turn you into a person like me, and I should be ashamed of that, because I knew from the beginning that you weren't like me. You're a better person that I am, than most people are, and I've done you wrong."
If he's acting, I think to myself, then he's a damn good one. Of course, I know he's a good actor… I've had firsthand experience of it, but this is something different.
"Growing a conscience are we Bishop?" I retort, but my heart isn't in it, and I'm sure he can hear that.
A trace of his old voice creeps back in as his head jerks up, his eyes narrowing. "Yeah and what of it? A person isn't allowed to change? Feel regret?"
"It's not that people aren't allowed to change Bishop, I'm just surprised it's coming from you…" I sit down next to him on the bed, so close that we're almost touching… almost, but not quite and I can feel the heat between our bodies as I try to hold on to my self-control. I ache to put my arms around him, feel his lips on mine, but I hold back, reminded of the way my heart has already been broken. "For what it's worth, although I can't forgive or trust you so readily… I accept your apology." Impulsively I reach over and take his hand, and he grasps it hard and nods, finally looking up and meeting my gaze. I gasp, for the first time since I've known him I see pain in his eyes. Not obvious, but there nonetheless. And then it passes, and the same dark, hungry look that I have always known is back. His hand caresses my cheek and he leans forward to kiss me. I sway towards him but then pull myself back and turn my head away, closing my eyes. "I'm can't Bishop," I say, the pain in my chest reminding me of the past, "Not yet." I open my eyes, expecting anger or that sly coercing look, but he merely nods, a look of resignation on his features, and detaching his fingers from mine, puts his arms around me. I can feel his heart beating and hear his ragged breathing. A moment, and then he rises, runs his hand over my hair and walks towards the door.
"I dream of you, you know… trapped in the Wall of the Faithless. It's why I believed you were dead. Why I was so shocked to see you in the Sloop," I say.
He turns towards me, and his eyes looks haunted.
"I thought they were revelations, and the hags in the Sunken City told me they were true. In my dreams you're so angry with me…" I stop, knowing my voice will break if I continue.
"You shouldn't believe all your dreams," he says with a faint smile. "Not all of them are true. Now get some sleep." He repeats what Gann said earlier and I realise he must have been listening. "Let us hope your nightmares are at an end…" He walks out, silent as always, shutting the door quietly behind him.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Bishop. Difficult as it was for me to not touch her, I feel lighter. I can't Bishop… Not yet. Not yet. That means that I just need to give her time. Time… Even though I was a tracker, patience had never been my strong point. But gods, I should be grateful she even accepted my apology after everything. I recall my earlier thoughts – yes, she was always too forgiving. Of course that works in my favour now… You wanted her to punish you, the voice in my head says. You wanted to carry the guilt… Not true! My conscious mind argues – I want nothing more than to be with her again. And considering my prior dispensation to being tied down, that's unusual. Perhaps, the voice says. Or perhaps you actually wanted to carry that betrayal with you, to give you an excuse to hate her, an excuse for your actions. And now she's forgiven you… Not yet, I remind the voice. No, not yet, it agrees, but soon… You know she will. It doesn't matter, I argue. I won't leave her again, I can't go through that more than once. Ah, so it's a selfish reason then, the voice smiles… You don't want to put yourself through the pain a second time. Shut up! I tell the voice, you're not even real, you can't tell me what to do. Oh but I am real Bishop, it says as it fades away… I'm you…
I stop on my way back to my room, my heart beating fast, my mouth dry, beads of sweat popping on my brow. I'm going crazy, I think. Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness… I take a deep breath and reach out to steady myself, feeling the roughness of the wooden doorframe beneath my hand. It makes me feel minimally better, knowing that I'm still in the real world. Suddenly I feel a crawling sensation on the back of my neck, someone's watching… My head snaps up and I look around, my heart beating a-rhythmically, making me sweat. And there he is. Damned hagspawn. Watching me. I grimace, knowing he's seen me in this moment of weakness and I despise him for it. I glare at him, locking eyes, daring him to mock me. He says nothing, merely stares at me, his grey eyes disconcerting and turbulent, as if he sees my thoughts. It has become a competition, neither of us willing to turn away, even though my eyes are beginning to burn from not blinking, and I desperately want to escape to my quarters, I continue to glare at him. Finally a ghost of a smile touches the corners of his mouth, and he melts back into the shadows, walking away from me. My shoulders sag in relief and I watch for a moment longer before I start to walk back to my room again. He looked away first, but I don't feel as if I've achieved anything, I feel like I've lost a battle, failed some sort of test.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
The music drifts in from downstairs as my mind leans towards wakefulness. I open my eyes, pulling myself away from a dark, familiar dream that fades as I try to maintain my grip and remember it, and stare at the shadowed ceiling. I rinse my mouth and head downstairs to see what's going on, running my hands through my short hair as I make my way towards the noise I can hear in the other room.
I'm greeted by laughter and raucous, drunken singing, a large part of it from the resident actors, but I also see the rest of the group joining in, although Kaelyn in a somewhat more reserved manner. Gann spots me coming in and I can tell he has had a bit to drink as he hoists his tankard in the air and toasts me loudly, to which all the actors join in. "Sennah! You know you want to dance with me!" he shouts. I laugh, "Gann, I've only just woken up, the least you could do is buy me a drink before you attempt to coerce me into dancing!"
"That can be arranged my lady," he grins, "Barkeep! Another mug of ale for the beautiful spiriteater in the corner!"
"Who are you calling barkeep you cheeky rogue?!" shouts Magda, but I can see her smiling at Gann as he leans over and plants a kiss on her cheek. She pours me a mug of ale and hands it to me, winking as she does so.
I sit down next to Safiya, who is brooding, nursing an untouched drink. "Did you rest?" she asks me. I throw a glance at her.
"Yes, thankfully. I just needed a couple of hours." I stifle a yawn as I say that, but she doesn't seem to notice. The tiredness overwhelms me almost constantly these days, he weight of Akachi heavy whenever I haven't fed in a while.
"That's good. You don't want to overdo it when there's nothing nearby to help you get your energy back," she says, referring to my spirit hunger. I can see she wants to ask something else, and I have a suspicion I know what it is.
I think about avoiding the topic and then say, "I didn't sleep with him if that's what you want to know." Safiya blushes, and I know I've caught her out.
"I didn't… I mean… it's none of my…" she stammers.
"It's ok, Safiya," I say. Although I am mildly irritated at her interference into my affairs, I know she means no harm by it she's merely worried. "If I was in your position I'd probably be thinking the same thing. You don't know him, you have no reason to trust him and let's face it I wasn't entirely honest with you about our relationship…" I hesitate and she looks at me curiously, "I thought he was dead," I sigh. "He's a complete bastard, and yet, there's something about the way he makes me feel… like there's this connection between us. Every part of my conscious mind told me he was dead, but my heart just didn't feel it..." I hesitate again, wondering exactly how much I should share. "I've been dreaming about him, trapped in the Wall of the Faithless." Figured I might as well tell her everything…
Safiya straightens up, her expression alert. "So this is what Gann and Kaelyn meant. Why didn't you say anything?"
"Well Gann of course figured it out, but I didn't tell Kaelyn who I was dreaming about. As to why I didn't tell you?" I smile, embarrassed. "Well, I guess it just hurt too much to think about it. This way, it's kind of a relief that he's alive, and yet there's still the hurt of the betrayal, even though I know why he did it."
"You understand that? You forgive him? Even after what he did?" she asks incredulously.
"I don't think I can forgive him just yet," I say, "but he's apologised to me, and if you knew Bishop, you'd know that's a big step."
"So… uh, would you tell me why he did it? Or is that too much at this moment in time?" she asks. I look up at her and see her serious expression.
"He misjudged me," I say and I see Safiya's confusion. I take a breath. "He thought that by betraying me I would give up my quest. That I wouldn't go and face the King of Shadows. In a weird, twisted way… he was doing it to save me… and when I didn't, he felt betrayed because he'd allowed himself to care for me…" I laugh softly. "I did say it was twisted…"
Safiya stares at me, her large eyes searching mine, trying to understand what's going on in my mind. "I hope you know what you're doing Sennah, that's all I can say."
I smile wryly. "I have absolutely no idea Safiya, I thought you knew that by now."
She grins back. "Well, either way, I guess I have not choice but to trust you."
I sigh. "Gods Safiya, I hope you know what you're doing!" I repeat. She laughs and I join in.
"So are you going to drink that or what? I think Gann has every intention of making you dance!"
"I don't need to be drunk to dance!" I laugh.
"Perhaps not," she smiles wickedly, "but I think perhaps he needs the courage in order to ask you."
I blush slightly and return the grin. "Well, I can at least say that I'm a pretty good dancer, Harborman or not…"
"And I can say with no false modesty whatsoever I really am a fantastic dancer, drunk or sober," Gann's silken voice says from behind me.
"So let's put that to the test then Gann-of-Dreams," I say putting down my hastily gulped down mug of ale. Gods I can already feel it starting to go to my head. "Are we talking a co-ordinated shuffle here, or proper courtly dancing? I can do both equally well," I tease.
"Why this is a theatre! Courtly dancing of course!" He says in mock offence. "So then, may I have this dance lady?"
I bow my head and rise, I hope gracefully, to my feet. Thank goodness for Retta Starling is all I'm thinking, as Gann leads me out onto the floor.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
A while later, I beg off Gann's superb dancing and collapse into my chair. Who would have thought that a hagspawn shaman raised in the wilds of Rasheman would be able to dance like that! Those were dances Retta taught me from when she lived in Neverwinter! I can't even begin to imagine where he learnt them… Full of surprises as always is Gann-Of-Dreams… He offers his hand to Safiya, who smiles and stands up far more gracefully than I'm sure I did. I surprise myself as I notice a little pang of jealousy and I chuckle in irritation and then jump as I hear a mocking voice behind me.
"Jealous, Sennah?" and I wonder if he can hear my thoughts.
"Of course not, why would I be?" I scoff, but I can feel my cheeks flush as I say it. I look up into those dark, watchful eyes that burn right through me as he sits down next to me and turns to watch Safiya and Gann, as well as Kaelyn, who has loosened up slightly and is dancing with one of the Veil's actors. I find myself staring at the hair curling at the nape of his neck, the line of his shoulders, and have to jerk my eyes away as he turns back towards me. "You dance well. Light on your feet as always."
I smile. "I had a good teacher. Retta, she…" I stop, remembering that Retta died when West Harbor was burned, and knowing Bishop's hatred of sentimentality I keep my thoughts to myself. "Nevermind. Anyway, she taught me all those dances." The music changes and as I start to speak I again feel self-conscious. "Would you like to dance?" I say, wishing desperately at that moment that he didn't have this effect on me.
Bishop looks at me, amused. "I don't dance," he says.
"Oh really? And why would that be?"
He smiles his usual mocking smile. "It's not often I find someone I want to dance with."
I gasp in mock horror. "Oh is that a challenge!? You bastard!" I grin as I grab his hand and drag him on to the dance floor. He resists only briefly. "Don't worry if you don't know the steps, I'll show you how," I say arrogantly, confident in my own dancing skills.
At that he laughs, "Is that a challenge?" He grabs me suddenly and pulls me close, and just as I start to feel anxious, he whirls me round the dance floor in a close, sensual dance so intense I can feel the heat radiating off him, and every eye turns to us, watching…
The song ends and it's a moment before I can speak. "I thought you said you couldn't dance!" I gasp.
He smiles that secret smile of his. "I didn't say I couldn't. I just said I didn't," he replies, mysterious as ever. He holds me close for a second longer, and then releases me so suddenly I almost fall over. I turn my back and try to walk gracefully to my chair, attempting to stop my legs from giving out beneath me. I collapse gratefully and in a startling turn of events, Bishop extends his hand to Safiya and asks her to dance. She looks at him - surprised, uncertain, and then, caught unawares for once, she extends her hand. I have to marvel at Bishop's surprising array of talents, and his impeccable footwork. I would never have imagined he could dance so well. And of course, it was a good move on his part. He knows Safiya is his greatest opposition to him joining our group, and whilst Bishop has never sought approval from anybody, he is making an uncharacteristic effort that I can't help but admire. He's merely calculating, the voice in my mind says – he never does anything that didn't have something in it for him. I suppress this uncomfortable nagging voice and watch in amazement as he then asks Kaelyn to dance, and Safiya and I exchange a look, that says that at the very least, she'll give him a chance. I smile to myself as he rejoins me at the table. Gann has gone back to drinking and charming the other women in the Veil, who giggle and flirt with him, but I notice him watching me out of the corner of his eye the whole night, and when I finally bid everyone good night and leave, I can feel his eyes on me as I walk out the door.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Gann. She's so beautiful, and I don't even think she knows it, which of course makes her so much more attractive. But beautiful as she is, it's the soul behind those electric blue eyes that draws me to her, the depth, and the feeling that I've known her all my life when we've just met. I can feel myself spinning, dragged into them whenever I look at her, and I think she feels it too, but won't admit it. I see the way he watches her, possessively, and he knows how I feel about her. I can see the warning in his eyes, in his stance, like he's always on the verge of drawing his weapon. I wonder how desperate he would be to keep her and to what lengths he would go. I can see from his dreams and expressions that he's deeply in love with her and I wonder how he betrayed her if he loved her as much as I think he does. I watch them dance, can see the tension between the two of them, and know it won't be long before they're sharing a bed again.
A pang of jealously grips me and I turn away, flirting with some of the prettier women in the Veil, trying to take my mind off the look on her face as he held her. But my eyes are always drawn back to her, and he is never far away, staking his claim, reminding me that she was his first. If I had her would I feel the same?
I watch her stand and leave, bidding everyone goodnight, her eyes meeting mine as she leaves, a slight smile touching her full lips and I ache to take her in my arms, just to feel the touch of her skin and the warmth of her body against mine. Bishop stays and discreetly finishes his drink, then I watch him slip silently out the door, and I know he is going to her. My heart lurches and I turn away…
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
I'm standing by the window, staring out at the darkness when Bishop appears at my door, knocking softly. Of course I knew he would come, and I would have been disappointed if he had not, but at the same time I can discern the danger, and my senses are alert. He says nothing as he walks in silently and approaches me as I stare out the window. He puts his arms around me and again breathes in the scent of my hair, resting his lips there briefly. I feel his breath as he leans forward and kisses my neck where it meets my shoulder, his lips sliding over my collar. "Bishop," I sigh, my heart beating furiously. "I don't know if I can…"
All the earlier vulnerability has vanished.
"Sennah, although you know from experience that I'm fully prepared to coerce you… you know you want to..."
He is so right, but I feel as if I have to attempt to resist, even if I kick myself in the morning. "I never said I didn't want to, but one dance, however unexpected, and an apology doesn't change what happened between us." I can feel his warmth through my clothes, and his hands around me, his fingers brushing my ear, burns me, leaving my skin tingling. It seems I'm always cold these days and I shiver involuntarily. He says nothing, but traces his fingers down my neck, pushing aside the collar of my shirt as he leans in and kisses my shoulder, leaving fire behind as he goes.
"If I do this now and you betray me again… well, I don't know if I can deal with that," I say.
"I'm not going to betray you again Sennah," he murmurs, and I can hear the ever-present touch of bitterness in his voice. "Surely you know now that I can't live without you? Even if you chose that hagspawn dream thief over me… I would still follow you," he laughs softly, "although I can't guarantee I wouldn't kill him at some point. I've learnt what it feels like to lose you… and you have my full permission to hunt me down if I ever do anything to hurt you again…"
I can't trust him. He's so good with words, and I've never been strong enough, but his fingers undoing the buttons on my shirt are speaking louder than the protests in my mind, and the last of my resolve falls away with my clothes as I turn to meet his mouth hungrily with mine. The past months, the betrayal, the pain, the loss – all of these mean nothing at this moment. His lips are soft, familiar, but with them comes the urgent desire I remember. He bites my bottom lip gently, his tongue seeking and parting my lips, and I feel my own desire intensify as I trace the ridges on the roof of his mouth with my tongue.
My hands slide over his shoulders, pulling at the fabric of his shirt, anxious to feel his skin, his hard chest. Then his shirt is gone and I press myself against him as he buries his face in the crook of my neck and bites my shoulder gently. I shiver at the sensation and he pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me tightly, so tight I almost can't breathe but I don't care. We fall to the bed, clothes thrown on the floor and he enters me. Our lovemaking is urgent, frantic and I can feel the sweat dripping from my body, our skin glued together, the smell of him, his face buried in my neck as the tension builds. Dimly I can hear my own cries mingled with his, and I don't care who hears, I am lost in the sensation of Bishop's body moulded to mine as if we were never apart.
Later, we lie spent, his body resting heavily on mine until finally he shifts ever so slightly to relieve the pressure on me, but his limbs remain entwined with mine, neither of us willing to let the other go. He says nothing, except his fingers trace patterns on my skin and occasionally he kisses my hair, my shoulder, my neck. Nothing that happened in the past matters. We are here together again and I am lost in his kisses, the familiarity that still makes my skin tingle, the feel of his body against mine, the smell of him and I know that I can't stop loving this man, no matter how hard I try.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
