Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet

Review 3: FarmVille

"Hello all you sad sacks of shit. I'm Gwen, this asshole's Geoff and this is our review show." Gwen frowns. "And today, I am super mad."

"Aw come on, Gwen. It's not like playing a game will kill ya." Geoff smiles sheepishly. "Come on! I wanna grow some blueberries!"

"Fuck you, shit head. If you wanna grow some goddamn blueberries, pick up a garden hoe and plant some! You know, in real life and NOT on Facebook!" Gwen turns to the camera. "Tonight, we are gonna talk about yet another facet of that huge pile of donkey piss you morons call Facebook. This is a 'game' that morons spend hours and hours playing, spending real money and real time planting imaginary crops that benefit no one. This is FarmVille."

"FarmVille is fun, yo! I have like 20 trees, and I always collect my crops daily!" Geoff smiles proudly.

"It's not fun! Tell me, how is THIS fun?" Gwen plays a clip of FarmVille gameplay. A player sprite collects plums from a plum tree. "Yeah, I get to do that once every three hours or so. Absolute fun! Not."

"Well it's fun to see all the hard work you put into your farm give fruit, know what I'm saying?" Geoff smiles. "And besides, it helps a dude relax and make friends."

"And how many of them are you planning on meeting in real life?" Gwen raises an eyebrow. "In fact, no. I have a better question: How many times have you talked to these people about something OTHER than FarmVille?"

"Well, OK, you got me there. But still, it's just a game you play for fun!" Geoff smiles. "And it's relaxing!"

"Yeah, relaxing. It's relaxing by being boring as hell." Gwen turns to the camera. "And here's another gameplay clip, unedited for you."

A Farmville sprite is walking around her farm, walking past some ducks and a pig. She walks over to a patch of squash. A small bar appears over her head, and a second later the squash dissapears, having been collected.

"Thrilling." Gwen rolls her eyes. "And you know what? You get to do that every day! Cuz if you don't, then the crops will DIE, and you will have to plant them AGAIN! Oh no!"

"Yeah, OK, I am willing to concede some territory here. FarmVille isn't for everyone. It's not something you can go pro with, it's not a contest, and there's no end to it. It's just harmless fun." Geoff turns to the camera. "And that's what makes it good. It's nothing more than harmless fun. What's wrong with that?"

"Did I mention that the game sells you some shit for REAL money?" Gwen grits her teeth. "No kidding, check this out."

We now see a picture of a green FarmVille horse.

"YOU get to buy THAT for only seven American dollars! Amazing!" Gwen gags. "This game needs to die!"

"Alright, enough of that. It's time for some mail." Geoff holds out two envelopes. "This is the first one, and it's for Gwen."

Gwen opens up the letter. It reads:

Dear Gwen: The other day I found a mermaid, and I need to know, how can we have sex? Please reply, love Jermaine.

"Well Jermaine, stick it in either her mouth or her ear. I'm sure your tiny dick can fit in there. Next letter."

Geoff gives the second letter to Gwen. It reads:

Dear Gwen: I have a hot mom. Her boobs are huge, so I tend to stare at them. The other day, she and I got a little tipsy, and things got way out of hand. But I liked it a lot, and want to do another one. How can I seduce my mom? Signed, Anonymous.

"Oh Hell no! I'm not going into that! That's it! Show's over!" Gwen gets up, visibly disgusted. She leaves.

"Uh...so tune in next time, guys! We'll have a great show, too." Geoff smiles weakly.

"Internet's full of freaks!" Gwen' voice is heard from across the room.