Three

('Duuuuuuuuuuude!')

Sprawled on his back next to the crumpled remains of his pickup truck, Davin Sunrider, involuntary outlaw, gazed up at the sky above the gorge, feeling the snow below him melt under his body heat and soak into his hair and clothes. He didn't feel like moving, understandably so, as he had just survived a tremendous car accident.

Of course, the extremely sharp-looking sword hovering a quarter-inch above his nose might also have had something to do with his lack of motion.

"What are you doing here?" asked the owner of the uncomfortably shiny sword, the Chosen Nuisance-er, Hero, Link. Link and Davin did not get along, mostly because Davin used to work for Ganondorf, and also because this version of Link was... shall we say... a bit dim, and Davin made no secret of the fact that he was aware of this.

"Well," Davin drawled, checking for loose teeth with his tongue, "right now, I'm trying to make sure I still have the ability to stand up. Don't want to rush into these things, you know."

"Is Ganondorf with you?" Link demanded, allowing the extremely cold tip of his sword to rest on Davin's cheek.

"More like I'm with him," Davin replied. "He's sort of dragging me along on his catastrophic cross-country crime caper."

Link narrowed his eyes at the former Dark Side Comedian. "Are you getting smart with me?" he snapped.

Davin couldn't resist. "That's hardly difficult," he replied snidely. "Do you need me to explain a few of those big words for you?"

Link replied in turn with a boot to Davin's ribs. "Where's Ganondorf?"

Davin grinned obnoxiously. "You'll have to ask me nicely."

Link kicked him again, harder.

Davin coughed and rolled over. "Well, now I wouldn't tell you even if I did know. Why'd The Fangirl have to make you such a jerk, anyway?"

"To make Ganondorf more appealing as a romantic lead," Link replied automatically, then blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Making Zelda the only one of the Three who isn't a jerk," Davin said as he slowly, painfully hauled himself to his feet with the assistance of a handy pine tree. "So, of course, she's not here."

"I don't know where she is," said Link. "I haven't been looking much, though. I've been living in a cave near here ever since I was brought to this world."

"You never tried to find a town?" Davin asked curiously.

A deeply haunted look came over Link's face. He shook his head vigorously.

Davin cocked a questioning eyebrow.

"The people here are afflicted with some kind of madness," Link said quietly, looking nervously over his shoulder as he sheathed his sword. "They wander around with their hands over their ears, shouting to themselves."

Davin frowned in confusion before he realized what Link meant. "Oh, cell phones," he said. "Yeah, we do look pretty stupid, don't we?"

At a deep-voiced groan behind him, Davin turned to see Ganondorf staggering his way out of a snow-drift, in which he had apparently landed upon being thrown from the vehicle at some point during their... unorthodox descent.

Once again, Davin's inner smartass decided to get him in trouble. "That's the last time I let you drive," he quipped.

Ganondorf replied by offhandedly hurling a fireball into a sensitive part of Davin's anatomy, which shut him up rather quickly.

As Davin leaped stomach-first into a deep pile of snow to one, put out the fire, and two, put out the fire, Ganondorf strolled over to Link, who had drawn his sword again, and just as casually kicked Link in the shin with one steel-toed boot.

"Where is the princess?" Ganondorf asked mildly, examining his fingernails as Link rolled around, groaning, on the snow and dirt, clutching his leg.

"I have no idea," Link said, giving Ganondorf a death-glare. "And I'm not saying that because I hate you and want you to die a horrible painful death; I really don't know."

Ganondorf gave him a bored look. "All right then. You're coming with us."

"No!" Link said defiantly.

Ganondorf fixed him with an impatient look for a moment before taking hold of the lapels of his leather jacket with both hands and shaking off the remaining snow with one sharp jerk. "Fine then," he said. "Stay here and live in a cave. At least you're out of my way."

Link frowned in confusion. "Why, where are you going?"

"To find Zelda," Davin said snarkily as he climbed out of the snow-drift, a giant black scorch mark across the front of his jeans. "One would think that would be obvious."

"What is your problem with me?" Link demanded.

"My problem is that you're an ass," Davin replied. "Link should not be an ass. Don't get your tights in a bunch; I'm actually more irritated with the person whose imagination is responsible for you than actual you."

"You don't seem to have much of a problem with him!" Link said with a contemptuous gesture at Ganondorf.

"Okay, A, I do have a problem with him," Davin replied. "And B, he's The Freaking Dark Lord Ganondorf. 'Jerk' tends to be part of the job description with guys like him."

"It's true," Ganondorf confirmed.

Link gave him a funny look before going on. "Your vehicle is destroyed. How will we search for Zelda? She might be many days' walk from here."

"She is somewhere to the east still," Ganondorf said as he absently gestured at Davin's truck.

Davin turned to look behind himself as he heard the sound of horribly screeching metal, and turned to see his truck righting itself and the damage un-crumpling under the direction of Ganondorf, who stood with one hand extended, moving his fingers in an odd manner.

In less than a minute, Davin's truck was back to normal; even the motorcycle was repaired and again secured in the bed behind the cargo crates.

"You can do that, but you can't just make the truck fly?" Davin said as he walked toward the newly repaired vehicle.

"I can make it jump," Ganondorf said, half-guiding/half-dragging Link along, "but I can't make it fly."

"You and your minions fly all the time in the games!" Davin said, opening the driver's-side door and getting in. "Why can't you just magically make this a hover-truck?"

"I can't fly because flying is a stupid ability and only idiots put flying in their stories," Ganondorf said, sounding oddly like The Fangirl in the cadence of his speech. When he finished, the Dark Lord frowned to himself. "Flying is not stupid," he said confusedly. "It would be very useful, actually. Why would I say such a thing?"

"I am not liking where this is going," Davin said to himself as Ganondorf tossed Link into the cab, then got in himself. Link awkwardly shifted in the middle of the bench seat, arranging his legs on either side of the shifting column.

Davin irritably shoved the hilt of Link's sword away from his head, where it had been poking him in the ear. "Watch it, pal," he grumbled. "Your Evilness, some tunes please."

As Davin slowly navigated his truck down the floor of the gorge, looking for an exit that might lead to something more closely resembling a road, Ganondorf picked up Davin's MP3 player and scrolled through it. "How about AC/DC?"

"I'm already on the highway to hell," Davin said, easing his way through a group of pine trees. "Go for it."


Several wrong turns, arguments, and air-guitar breaks later, Davin pulled the truck onto the first thing that actually resembled a road he'd seen all afternoon. It was just before dark, the special kind of twilight that threatened to plunge into darkness at any minute, probably just when you really needed to see where you were going.

As the headlights illuminated a large white sign mounted on one of the trees along the road, Davin squinted at it. "Can either of you two see what that says?"

"It's not in Hylian," Link said, reaching for the volume knob on Davin's stereo yet again.

Ganondorf whacked his hand away. "Rock and Roll ain't noise pollution," he growled, quoting the song that was currently playing.

"What?" Link said confusedly.

"Try to turn my music down again, you're a dead man," Davin translated. He slowed to a stop next to the sign. "Toasted Sunrise Commune," he read. "Great. Hippies."

"Hippies?" Ganondorf inquired.

"You don't have them in Hyrule," Davin replied. "I think."

"What's a toasted sunrise?" asked Link.

Davin looked down at the gas gauge, which was dangerously close to 'Empty'. "I guess we're going to find out," he said. "It's either this or go back to your cave."

After a few minutes, they came upon a loose conglomerate of tents, tepees, and lean-tos in the midst of a wide forest clearing. A huge bonfire illuminated the center of the clearing, around which were dancing a large number of semi-clothed individuals, most of whom had long hair.

Several other people played a pounding, almost tribal beat on an assortment of drums, while more played flutes and two or three played guitars. Oddly enough, it didn't sound half bad mixed with the AC/DC still blaring from the pickup's speakers.

"We've got people like this in Hyrule," Ganondorf said, watching the under-the-influence reveling outside. "We call them 'weirdos'."

"Hey, man," said a young man with long hair and a purposefully untrimmed beard, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, jeans, and sandals. "You dudes lost or something?"

"Yeah!" Davin shouted over the music blaring both outside and inside his truck.

"Cool," the young man replied passively. "Dude's cookin' hot dogs over there if you want some."

Davin shrugged and pulled the truck off to the side, under one of the larger trees. "Better weirdos with guitars than weirdos with guns," he said, turning off the engine. "I'm starving! Let's go find that hot dog guy."

"Is this some sort of cult?" Link asked dubiously as they got out of the truck.

"I doubt it," Davin said. He tapped the Chosen Nuisance on the shoulder. "You might want to leave that in the truck," he said, rapping a knuckle against the hilt of Link's sword.

As Link put his weapons back in the cab of the pickup, Ganondorf came around to stand next to Davin. "Are we going to be all right here?" he asked.

Davin shrugged. "As long as we don't smoke anything, sure." His eyes widened as he noticed Link accept a brownie from a passing woman with a plate of them. "Don't eat that!" he warned.

His warning was too late; Link took a large bite of the brownie, shoving the rest of it in his mouth a moment later. "What?" he said with his mouth full as Davin approached.

Davin had a very Ganondorf-ish thought just then. "Uh, never mind," he said. "You wanted to know what a toasted sunrise was, after all."

"NO, you may not touch my beard!" Ganondorf snapped loudly behind them.

Davin turned to see him slap away the hand of a giggling young man. "You are sooooooo tall!" the young man exclaimed, leaning backwards to look up at Ganondorf. He promptly fell over, but reacted only by laughing harder.

"Whoa!" Link suddenly said next to Davin. "I can... I can see your hair growing. Like, right now it just grew! Whoa, it did it again!"

Davin shoved away Link's curious hand. "What the hell was in that brownie?"

"I don't know," Link said slowly, staring intently at the back of his hand. "But it was awesome!" He suddenly turned, then turned again, quickly spinning in a complete circle. "Where can I get another one?"

Just as rapidly, he grabbed Davin's shoulders and leaned uncomfortably close. "The pores in your nose are like the stars, man!" he exclaimed, eyes wide. "Except they're not as bright. And probably smaller."

Davin placed one hand on Link's forehead and shoved him backwards, sharply. "Maybe coming here wasn't the best idea."

"What's that thing on your forehead?" Davin heard a young woman ask Ganondorf.

"It signifies my status as king of the Gerudo," Ganondorf replied.

"Whoa, dude!" the young woman said. "You're like, a king and stuff?"

"I am called the King of Evil by some," Ganondorf said. Davin thought he heard a hint of bragging in the Dark Lord's tone.

"Duuuude," the young woman said appreciatively. "That is so badass. You want to go back to my tent?"

Davin started walking away very fast, hands over his ears. "I didn't hear that, I didn't hear that, I did not hear that," he repeated to himself desperately, stumbling over rocks and passed-out hippies in his haste to get away.

Eventually, he found himself angrily munching a hot dog next to the hot dog guy, who was, as was to be expected from his moniker, set up with several packages of hot dogs and buns next to a small charcoal grill. The hot dog guy, the one man here besides Link without facial hair of some sort, was also the most lucid-seeming, probably because perception-altering substances and fire are not a good combination.

"So what's your deal, dude?" the hot dog guy asked Davin, rotating a few of the franks with his stick.

"I'm on the road trip from hell," Davin said, swiping crumbs out of his beard. "The big guy is looking for a princess he hauled here but then lost track of, along with the guy who should be my one friend in all of this, but, in keeping with the comic tragedy that is my current life situation, is actually more hostile to me than the big guy, who is no less than a card-carrying Dark Lord."

The hot dog guy nodded sagely. "That's some heavy stuff, dude," he said. "'Nother hot dog?"

"Sure," said Davin, accepting the proffered bun.

He took a large bite, half-heatedly looking around for his companions. Ganondorf was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Link. Davin felt he should be worried about this, but felt even more strongly that right now he didn't care.

"This princess chick," said the hot dog guy. "Why's the big guy looking for her?"

Davin decided a hippie was the one person he could possibly meet that might actually believe him. "She's got one-third of a powerful magical artifact called the Triforce. The big guy, his name is Ganondorf, and the other guy, his name is Link, have the other two. Ganondorf wants to put all three pieces together so he can conquer the world."

"Bitchin'," said the hot dog guy with an impressed grin. "It's like you're living in a really kick-ass movie, dude."

"Yeah," Davin said dryly. "You should hear the soundtrack."

"You tryin' to stop this Ganondorf dude or help him?" the hot dog guy asked.

Davin crammed the rest of the hot dog in his mouth and munched thoughtfully. "I'm not sure," he said. "On the one hand, he's a jerk. But on the other hand, we're actually more alike than I like to think about. If he'd quit lighting me on fire and threatening to kill me, we might actually get along."

"What about this Link dude?" said the hot dog guy. "What's he like?"

Just then, Link ran past them, shirtless and smeared with mud. "I am the Lizalfos King!" the Hero bellowed, leaping dramatically atop a fallen tree. He pushed his muddy hands through his even more muddy hair, leaving it standing up in odd directions. "I can do ANYTHING!"

With that, he hurled himself into a back-flip over the tree, landing out of sight with a tremendous crash.

"Ow."

Davin exchanged a glance with the hot dog guy. The hot dog guy reached down to the cooler sitting next to him and came back up with a plate.

"Brownie, dude?"

Davin looked back to the fallen tree, from behind which Link was now emerging. He had removed his pants, and now wore them on his head, pumping his arms in the air as he ran back into the main clearing, whooping wordlessly. Thankfully, he still wore what appeared to be bright green boxer shorts.

"No, I'm good."


Author's Note: Thanks to Silverwolf05 for the idea of meeting hippies in the forest, and also a better explanation for where Zelda is than the one I'd thought of, which I'll be using in a future chapter. Also, drugs are bad, mmkay? Don't do drugs, 'cause drugs are bad. Mmkay? ;)

Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in, "If You Put Your Pants Back On, I Might Let You Have Your Sword," coming soon.