CHAPTER THREE

Alexa managed a few hours sleep, but was awoken as usual by her dreams. She told people it was the darkspawn that haunted her and many nights that was true. But there were other nights, an increasing number of nights, where the most pleasant of dreams would awaken her. In those dreams Alistair was with her, by her side, lying with her. She could feel his lips on hers, his touch caress her skin, his breath in her ear calling her name. The memory was so strong as to arouse her body. She could feel Alistair making love to her. She would always awaken in a cold sweat, shivering, turning to the figure next to her that was never there. And then she would weep; sitting alone in bed mourning what would never be. Alexa would draw up her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself, rocking back and forth, her head bowed, trying to work through this grief that consumed her. She would allow her tears to flow unchecked and was always surprised that she still had any tears to weep; she had cried so much over the past six months. Then she would rise, dress and perform some activity, any activity, to try and take her mind off her dreams. This night had been no exception, but her dreams were more vivid; more real. Alexa lay in bed for a while and when it was nearly dawn she woke and dressed in her Warden-Commander armor. She didn't want to wander the castle and disturb those in it, so she quietly made her way to the castle entrance and out into the deserted streets of Denerim.

When Alexa left Eamon's she walked into the marketplace and looked around. All was silent. She looked over at the Chantry wondering if she would find solace there. She had never been much of a believer in the Maker and even less now. But there was always something soothing about listening to the Chanters recite the Chant of Light. Perhaps because it reminded her of being a young girl in Highever, the beloved daughter of Bryce and Eleanor Cousland and the comfort of family services every week. She would sit in between her parents and feel protected and loved. Alexa remembered always staring at her father during the service. Bryce was a handsome man with sparkling blue eyes and a commanding, but gentle voice. He was a good warrior and an excellent Teyrn. Alexa worshipped him. She would follow him everywhere and it was obvious that Bryce adored his only daughter. She showed an interest in being a warrior because of her father's stories about the rebellion against Orlais. He would regale her and Fergus for hours with his tales of riding with the legendary King Maric the Savior. Once she was able to hold a sword, Bryce taught her everything he knew. When he recognized her natural abilities, he hired professional soldiers to train his daughter in the proper art of combat; a training in which she excelled. Her sharp mind and quick reflexes foreshadowed the great warrior she was to become. Between her mother's teachings of gentility and grace, her father's lessons in being a noble and her training as a warrior, Alexa was an interesting, accomplished and formidable woman.

At the moment the Chantry was not where she wished to be. Her eyes roamed around and finally rested on the highest point in Denerim. She stared at it and felt herself being drawn to it. She knew where she had to go. With a will of their own, her legs began to move and she was walking in the direction of Fort Drakon.

It was unusual for the prison to have visitors at this hour. She approached the guards and wondered if she would have any trouble. One of them began to say something, but he recognized her armor and then her. He saluted and allowed her to pass without question. This same scenario was repeated several times until she found herself at the doors to the roof of the prison. One of the guards saw her pause. He came over and unlocked the door then left her be. She was oblivious to the young guard and could only think about what lay behind that door. Alexa broke into a sweat; her heart began beating rapidly. She hadn't been here since the day he died. Alexa swallowed hard and then pushed open the doors walking onto the roof of Fort Drakon.

She entered the rooftop and was taken aback by the silence. The only sound was her own footsteps and clinking of armor reverberating against the stone structure. Her memories of the place were of battle; swords clanking; men screaming; the roar of the Archdemon. She walked slowly around the roof. The traces of battle were evident. Scorch marks and chunks of missing stone marred the building. The floor still bore traces of blood; stained into the rock. The weather was slowly erasing its presence, but the pink color was a telltale sign of the battle that took place here. Alexa stood still, gazing around at the now peaceful environment; remembering every scene in the battle. She slowly turned her eyes towards the place where he had fallen. Her feet soon followed her gaze until she was standing at the spot where Alistair died. There was the large blood stain from the Archdemon and then the smaller one next to it. There were also burn marks from the destruction of the Archdemon's essence. Alexa kneeled down and caressed the stone where Alistair fell. She re-lived the emotions of that terrible day; the feeling of helplessness, sorrow, pain, grief, regret; and the tears began rolling down her cheeks.

"I love you, Alistair," she whispered.

"And I love you. Always," she heard him say.

She pulled her dagger from its sheath and placed it on the spot where he died. She then removed her breastplate and set it next to her. She stared at the dagger for a long time. It would be fitting for her to die here where he did. All she needed to do was pick up the dagger and plunge it into her chest; simple really. She had done such to other men many a time. But that was in battle. This was different. This was taking her own life. But what did her life matter now? All that she cared for was gone.

Alexa took the dagger in her hands and pressed the point against her breast over her heart. She felt the sharp tip against her skin; felt a small drop of blood trickle down her chest. She just needed to push harder; quickly and with force; and the deed would be done. It would be over. She put more pressure against the hilt, felt the metal dig deeper. One swift move and it would all be finished; the pain of living would be no more.

She sat in that position for an eternity. Finally, Alexa bowed her head and let the dagger fall from her hands; the sound of the dagger hitting the stone echoing eerily in the silence. She couldn't do it. Something made her stop.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I can't. Oh Alistair, I am so sorry." She felt as if she was betraying him by not taking her life and joining him. They had never discussed this scenario of one of them living without the other. They were determined to enjoy the present and not plan too much for the future. But she had always thought that she would be the one who would die. She had no idea how to face the next twenty years without him.

Alexa sighed, put on her breastplate and re-sheathed her dagger. The sun had just risen. Her escort to Vigil's Keep would be waiting for her. With a heavy heart, Alexa left Fort Drakon and returned to Eamon's home.

She arrived to find a relieved Eamon waiting outside for her. He looked a bit panic-stricken at her absence, but when he saw her he tried to arrange his face in a jovial smile. Alexa couldn't help but see the worry in his brow, though. Eamon took her to her waiting escort.

When they arrived in the main hall, the woman waiting for them snapped to attention. Alexa looked at her. She was young. Her pale blue eyes and cherub face gazed eagerly upon the world. She lit-up when she saw Alexa.

"Warden-Commander, it is indeed an honor to meet you," she began. "My name is Mhairi and I am looking forward to joining the Grey Wardens and fighting darkspawn at your side."

Alexa stared at her. She could tell by the tone of her voice that the woman was enamored with the Grey Wardens. She wanted to tell Mhairi to run; turn away from the Grey Wardens, there was nothing but grief and death with them. But she held her tongue and instead smiled at her, offering her hand in greeting.

"A pleasure to meet you Mhairi. Please call me Alexa. Let me gather my things and then we can be off. Eamon, would you come with me while I pack?"

"Of course," Eamon replied.

"I shall be waiting here for you, ma'am," Mhairi said, not yet comfortable calling Alexa by her given name.

Alexa and Eamon walked to her room. She gathered the few belongings she possessed. She then turned to Eamon.

"Thank you for your hospitality Eamon."

"You are quite welcome, my dear. Remember you are always welcome at my home." Eamon paused then asked, "By the way, where did you go? I was a bit worried you had left us."

Alexa smiled at his choice of words. "I went to Fort Drakon to try and put some demons to rest."

"I hope you were successful. Alexa, if there is anything you ever need, please don't hesitate to ask."

"I'll remember that, thank you. Take care of yourself, Eamon." She gave the older man a hug, then went to join Mhairi.

"I'm ready to go, Mhairi. Let us go to Vigil's Keep and see what our fellow Grey Wardens are up to," Alexa said.

"Yes, ma'am," Mhairi said brightly.

The two women exited Eamon's castle, mounted their waiting horses and began their journey towards Vigil's Keep.