I was in a recording with Rob and Preston. I swear it couldn't be any more awkward. I didn't want to say anything because I was scared I would say something wrong. But of course, we were playing a Lucky Block mini-game (Battle Arena) so I was yelling about all the traps I kept on getting. Not to mention keep inventory was off and we weren't allowed to turn it on. I didn't understand why we still kept the 3 lives rule. At least once PVP started it still didn't count as a death if you died to anything un-PVP related.

"Time's up! We can now PVP!" Preston announced.

I didn't have anything good. Does half a set of leather, a fishing pole, and a ton of useless redstone count as good? Oh look, there's Rob coming towards me.

"Please, Rob! Please no! I don't have anything! Spare me! Don't be that guy who picks on the defenseless" I yelled in a joking tone.

"Geez, just stop trying to make us feel bad for you and suck it up," Rob snapped.

I was taken aback. That was the first time he said anything like that to my face intentionally. Not to mention that it was during a recording. He could say anything to me in real life, but he there are some unspoken rules about what is said and done during recordings. One of them was that we can't bring in personal things unknown to the fans. Inside jokes count as personal things, but what I mean is more of the serious problems. To everyone's but our knowledge, there never has been any bumps in any friendships. No one said anything about the Skype call to the fans.

I stayed silent as I tried to run away from Rob, but he killed me with an enchanted diamond sword.

"Two lives Lachy," Preston joke-taunted.

I sighed and started breaking Lucky blocks. I was listening to what Rob and Preston were saying as I broke the blocks. From what I could understand, Preston was chasing down Rob and Preston was pretty stacked.

I hadn't gotten any death traps or anything, but I still hadn't gotten anything good. Then the next block I broke gave me a Lucky sword. My eyes widened and I made my character have a spaz attack.

"Hey guys," I said in a sing-song voice.

"No, no, no, no! Leave me alone Preston! I just want to roam in the wild and eat cookies!" Rob yelled.

"Haha never!" Preston yelled back.

"Guys you should be worried-" I started.

"Why are you such a cactus?! Take this!" Rob interrupted.

"What?! You have a Lucky Bow?!" Preston screamed.

"Guys-" I tried.

Preston cut me off by screaming at the top of his lungs.

"And no one cares…" I muttered.

I continued breaking blocks and I ended up with half diamond and half iron armor. But of course, I lost the game overall. I didn't really care – I mean, I lose everything and it's hilarious to see how I lost. My last life was lost to fall damage. I'm just not meant for parkour. Especially when I'm being chased down and under pressure. Or PVP, but that doesn't mean it's not fun.

The whole recording session lasted about an hour and a half. For the most part, it was just like any other recording session but every once in a while I would get something similar to what Rob said in the first video snapped at me.

It hurt to hear him say that, but it hurt even more to not hear Preston say anything about it. They were my best friends and I shouldn't be letting them push me around like that. But I just couldn't. Speaking up isn't my thing. One of them might get even more at me. Or I could just come off as hot-tempered or something.

Besides, it didn't even bother me. Sure, I was super frustrated on finding out whether they were right or not, but it's not like I'm mentally screaming for them to stop. I'm not annoyed by them actually saying it; I'm annoyed by myself for thinking that it's true.

Since I finished recording for a while, I wanted to watch through some older videos. I wanted to try to analyze my personality and have proof to support the traits I came up with. Yeah, yeah, I'm such a nerd. In school I was one of the smartest in the grade but no one believed it. They knew I was smart, they just thought that there were just a lot of other people a lot smarter than me. So I was always discredited for my work, but I knew that the only reason they did that was because I was blonde. Stereotypes always bring so much trouble.

If you're blonde it doesn't automatically make you stupid, if you're Asian it doesn't automatically make you smart or a horrible driver, if you're emo it doesn't automatically make you attention-seeking.

Then I realized what I just thought to myself. I might be emo, but that doesn't mean that I want everyone to feel bad for me. I have a reason that I'm depressed. I've never self-harmed either. I never had a legitimate reason to. The only times I ever talk about how I feel are when I'm with a therapist or when I'm just about forced to.

But then I thought about why I was depressed to start with. Attention. My little brother was born when I was 5, and when my mom was pregnant with him I knew that I wouldn't get paid attention to as much. I knew that another kid around would mean I would be given knew responsibilities and more time would have to be given to the baby. Then when I was older – closer to middle school – no one was able to help me with homework or just flat out talk to me because my parents were always busy with work and my siblings. Growing up just felt like I was a ghost amongst everyone. Deep down I wanted to do something horrible to get attention, but I didn't. I never did.

And now, I'm depressed because of friends. Even before the whole Skype thing, I felt like none of my friends cared about me. I thought that they would've figured out I was depressed sooner than this. I thought they would've found out in a different way.

I shut off my computer and sat on my bed. I didn't have to watch my videos and analyze myself to figure out my personality. I just did right there. All of those thoughts were just me thinking about myself. All I ever do is think about myself. All I ever want is people to notice me. All I am is a stereotypical emo.

Everyone was asleep but me. I shut myself in the bathroom and tried to think things through again. I didn't quite understand what there was to think through though. All my friends know that I'm a self-conceited emo and don't necessarily like it. That's all there was to it. All I didn't know was what to do. If they treat me like I'm not their friend I shouldn't hang out with them. But then I don't understand why I can't make myself leave them. My mind was set onto two opposites.

Not only were those thoughts running through my mind, but so were some very depressed ones. None of the people I care about care about me, so what would make the difference when I'm gone? If something is up would they notice on time?

As if my body was doing something on its own, I went to my room to get a hand mirror I brought. When I was back in the bathroom I dropped it on the tile. The mirror shattered into hundreds of pieces and I realized the mess I made. I just cleaned up the dust and threw out some of the pieces. I kept the 5 sharpest ones. Half-aware of what I was doing, I dragged the mirror on my left wrist, creating a white scratch. You could see that there were very tiny droplets of blood, but that wasn't enough. I traced over the one cut over and over and over again. It didn't even hurt that much.

I just looked at the cut I made. The cut had to be a few millimeters deep at least and it was probably just as wide. There wasn't blood oozing out or anything, but it was definitely bleeding. It wasn't the standard cut, but I was satisfied for the night.

I took the mirror shards and hid them in my suitcase. There was no other evidence of what happened in the bathroom, so I left everything else as it was. The cut stung and it looked a bit swollen or something, but I just slid into bed.

How was I going to keep people from seeing it? Or did I want to see if anybody would care to notice? And why did I do it? To help myself or to make people realize what the real me was like? How long will this go on for? Is this a one-time thing? I didn't know. I didn't know anything.