A/N: This was the story that re-launched SPU as we know it. I've since removed it's numbering and re-branded it a 'special' but... whatever, like it makes a difference to people. :P
Synopsis: Pip's dead. Pip has met his fate at the hands of Mecha-Streisand trying to bravely save the town. After reflecting on his life, Pip makes a deal to return to Earth to fulfill his one dream. He turns to those who have hated him most to help him.
South Park Unleashed
"My Name is Pip"
(Season 1 *Special*)
by John and Mutt
(Originally Posted May 12th, 2010)
My father's family name being Pirrup, and my Christian name being Phillip, my infant tongue could only pronounce both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip. My parents died when I was but a young boy, and I have no memory of my mother and barely of my father. I was born in England but was sent to live with a foster family in the small American town of South Park for schooling. My preschool class was quite large, and most of the children I met there, I still knew till now. My foster parents weren't too terribly cruel. I was only beaten when I was a bad child, and they had a newborn girl who I consider my sister still. Anywho, moving on to my story... I've always enjoyed this little town of South Park. Why, what more could you ask for? Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation, ample parking day or night, people shouting "Howdy neighbor!".. and I could never quite understand Kenneth, unfortunately.
I met Eric, Stanley, Kyle and Kenneth... about two years ago at the beginning of the third grade. Even if they disliked having me around, they did enjoy my company I like to think. However, everyone called me fart boy and would fart in my face, or spit in my eye... it was all very sad. I was bullied quite a lot. The day I met those four, they sent me off from their lunch line, and then I cracked my noggin on a slide as they insisted I go. Nurse Gollum was not of much help, unfortunately - she bandaged me and then ignored me, unfortunately. I was also lit on fire by one of Eric's farts.
The year did not progress well. A mere week later my good friend Leopold broke my head again with a stick while we re-enacted a play for classes. And then two weeks later, I found myself unable to recieve a helmet for football. It was terrible, I was injured profusely in the games that evening. And then a few weeks later, I became a zombie. And then a few weeks later, things changed quite an awful lot!
Damien was the newest student at South Park Elementary - the son of the devil as he claimed. He was a petite boy in all black with long black locks that framed his young face quite nicely I think. I offered him some tea and crumpets. We played many fun games! Why, he even lit me on fire once. I seemed to have a strange tendency to survive a lot of injuries. My, well, Damien was my first real friend. Even though he despised me, he would hang out with me occasionally afterward. We had jolly good fun together. But he wasn't around as often after he beared his father's message. After that things quieted down until a few weeks later when we took a trip to a dig site. Eric asked me to play Roshambo for a Native American arrowhead and he won quite easily. He kicked me in the balls, and I couldn't get back up.
After that I was fairly free and well for a few weeks, and then I became the star of the Dodgeball team! It was under rather unfortunate circumstances. I kept losing control of the ball and hitting the other team... I don't know, it's just... when people call me French I lose my self-control. It's the only thing that really gets to me really. I try my best to be optimistic... I was told once as a little child by my father, the only memory I have of him, to always be the a good child, because when you're happy and optimistic, good things will always happen to you. Good things happen to good people... I tried to believe him, but it was hard to do so. I hurt so many of those little Chinese children... I apologize, I digress... moving on, a few weeks later I had a terrible issue that summer. Summer school sucked, and I had no parents and my foster family was busy, so I had to stay at the school. A while later I did allow Leopold to drag me to a party though, where me, him, Dougie and Stanley had quite a fun time indeed!
Leopold was very easily socially accepted, although he was bullied still, the others genuinely liked him. Few acts of cruelty still got me, but a few did. One notable act I remember is Stanley telling me to say "please hit me." I refused, but he asked me several times and I finally obliged. So he hit me. This game went on for a few days, but he thankfully forgot. I was forgotten myself, it seemed... there was that last incident in third grade when Eric hit me with a rock after winning that sled race and asked the others, as Leopold told me, if British people count as a hate crime. After we entered fourth grade, I was forgotten completely... well, almost completely. When Kenneth died, I was selected to be a possible replacement. I even made it to the final six, but I made a bad move. I asked for tea and crumpets at a baseball game, and Eric kicked me out of the group.
After that I kept quiet, very very quiet. Stayed at home, enjoyed my tea and crumpets and didn't talk to anyone. But one day, that all changed.
The ground was shaking, buildings rocking from one side to another. I looked outside to see a hole in the street and looked down the street to see a gigantic metallic creature... I recognized her immediatedly. The reddish brown hair, the evil scowl, the fiery red eyes, the huge robotic feet, the enormous spines and long tail... Mecha-Streisand was back! And she had changed much since I last saw her. She blew a fiery breath and I saw many people running... even jolly old Santa Claus! The huge nosed monster breathed fire at the buildings, and in the blaze, I saw the empty street of the town I loved. There was a lump in my throat, but I knew I had to do something as I wandered forward towards the beast, stopping a few yeards away, "Cheeri-oh!"
Streisand stopped and looked at me.
"My name is Pip. I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits!" I stretched out my arms to illustrate my point. Streisand did nothing. "I know life is hard, Madam, but trust me here... I know what it's like to be hated by everyone around you. To have no friends... to be a complete social outcast. To be called fart boy and frenchie... to be kicked in the balls or lit on fire and nobody dousing you down with water. That's been my whole life, Ms. Streisand." she stood, "...I'll be your friend."
Mecha-Streisand looked at me, as if understanding. I smiled - had I really saved the town?
And then the ground shook as a massive foot appeared to my left. I turned around and began to run, hoping to escape a sealed fate under Mecha-Streisand's foot, "HAAAA-"
SQUISH.
A metallic foot stepped and squished my body and moved, leaving barely any blood or organs left. And the next thing I knew, I was on an airplane between an old man and a younger one. "Tally ho! My name is Pip."
"J. D. Salinger." said the older man.
"My name's Corey Haim." said the younger one.
"Oh dear! Aren't you two dead?" I exclaimed with surprise.
"Yes, we're all dead." said Lech Kaczynski - I'd seen him on the telly. He was the President of Poland who had just died! Dear, I wish I had some tea and crumpets to offer him...
"All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on to the next plane of existence." said a pretty flight attendant. I appeared to be on an airplane. Quite odd indeed...
"I don't understand. Why am I here?" I asked Corey Haim.
"The same reason we're all here!" said another man who sounded terribly impatient.
"Mr. Newman, you stay in your seat!" the flight attendant said.
"Don't worry about Paul." Corey said, "You must be new. You're dead."
"But I'm only a fourth grader!"
"Happens to the best of us." Corey explained. "Anyway, we'll be arriving in Hell shortly."
"Oh, jolly good, my friend Damien shall be there!" I smiled, clapping my hands together.
"Sorry crew, there's going to be another delay, we have a new arrival on his way..."
"Awwwwwwh!" the others exclaimed.
"Oh dear, I would hate to see another child in pain!" I cried.
"So how'd you die, Pip?" asked Corey.
"Oh, I was crushed to death by Barbra Streisand."
"I died of pneumonia."
"No you didn't, you were on a drug overdose." accused Paul.
"Shut up, Newman!" Haim said.
"Ay, get your hands off me! Don't you know who I am?" cried a familiar voice.
"Mr. Cruise, take your seat!" said the attendant.
"I don't have to listen to you! I'm Tom fucking Cruise!"
"Hey Tom, remember us?" said Phil Collins, rising from his seat, still clutching his oscar. Wasn't he at that concert with Timmy?
"Yeah, bet you forgot all about us!" and there's Jared Fogle. Leopold had spoken of him once.
"It's not my fault the Ginger Kids planted bombs all over!" Tom yelled. Oh, I remember now! Phil Collins and Jared Fogle were killed in the terrorist attack by the Gingers before Mecha-Streisand attacked.
"All right, we're taking off." the flight attendant smiled. "We'll be arrived at the next plane shortly."
[Chapter/Act Break]
As soon as I stepped off the plane into Hell, I spotted him by the gate - he hadn't changed much in the year. Damien stood, as always his raven-haired locks framing his young face still, thick black eyebrows and black eyes staring back, "Hello again, Pip." He was in his usual black jacket and gray pants, staring at me with those fiery eyes I'd become accustomed to on my best friend's face.
"Cheerio Damien! I must say it's been quite a long time!"
"Yes it has. I came as soon as I heard you were coming." Damien said quietly, as if he wasn't so pleased to be around me, "I wasn't going to come down here, but I suppose I owe you. And if there's one thing even Satan's family refuses to break, it's a promise."
"Oh dear, what do you mean?" I asked, adjusting my bow tie.
"Pip, as much as I hate you, you were the first person to befriend me. Besides Kenny McCormick, you're the only person I've spoken to much. Thus, I am in debt to you, against my will." Damien explained. "But first, come, you need to rest. My cavern isn't far." after quite a long walk, we entered a large cavern and Damien entered, raising his arms and yelling some Latin to turn the, erm, 'lights' on.
"I'm not tired, Damien."
"Nonsense. Your eternal spirit just came down millions of miles. Can I offer you some refreshments?"
"Oh, perhaps some tea?" I asked.
"I'm not making tea."
"Oh... some crumpets then?" I suggested, thinking it was a good idea.
"Goddamn, you're a little fag aren't you." Damien quickly summoned a glass from another sub-cavern and it filled with tea, handed it to me, and quickly another floated to him.
"It is a common misconception that British boys are homosexuals, but alas, I am not. Why, I had a girlfriend once, in fact..."
"Estella Havisham?"
"Yes." I answered quietly. I hadn't mentioned her in quite some time. She was one of the few things that could bring out my negative emotions. Damien turned towards a hole in the cave that acted as a large window - one could stare out at the eternal hellfire that burned the damned.
"She is a dashing girl, isn't she? It's a shame she's still up there in Britian without you. I'll send her my sympathies over your death." Damien said, sighing, "I must admit I feel bad you were torn from the Earth so earlier."
"Because I didn't get to experience the fullest of life?" I asked.
"No, because, you didn't get to suffer the misery of teenage and adult life. You didn't even get to experience High School. No, no, you were saved from puberty, pimples, breasts, drinking, drugs, driving, peer pressure, experimentation, sex, heartbreak.. oh so many wonderful ways you could have been tortured..."
"Damien, I believe only women develop breasts." I said, not completely understanding what he was going on about.
"Sorry, I forget you mortals are only allowed to be male or female." Damien said.
"What do you mean?"
"We immortals can shapeshift and change our looks whenever we feel. Per example," Damien closed his eyes, raised his arms and grew into a similar form, but now was taller and had stubble. A slightly deeper voice spoke back, "Now I'm college-aged." then he put his arms out and closed his eyes again and was far shorter than me with less hair, "Now Imma pweschoower." Then he did it a third time and went back to normal.
"Oh, what jolly good fun!" I said, Damien nodding.
"But that's not why I brought you here." he said as I sipped my tea, "You see, my debt to you, as an immortal, would be eternal. So I've decided to do as my father did when he was in debt to Kenny McCormick, and I'll offer you a single wish."
"Hmm... well, there is one thing I've always wondered..." I said.
"What. Name it." Damien asked.
"Are you quite sure?"
"Yes godammit, what the hell do you want?"
"I want to meet my parents." I said.
"Your parents?" Damien raised an eyebrow.
"My father and mother died in South Park when I was a very young boy on vacation from England. I don't know my mother's name, but my father was named James Pirrup." I explained.
"James Pirrup... he wasn't Mormon was he?"
"No, my entirely family is Roman Catholic."
"Then he should be here." Damien put a hand on my shoulder and there was a loud POP as we reappeared in a different layer of Hell - this one was far more cave like, with less fire. I felt as if I was within the small planet of Mars in a deep red cavern, "He isn't far."
"Father? Father, it's your little Phillip!"
"Mr. Pirrup? James Pirrup!" Damien called as he kicked some rocks, when he tripped, "Ah, there he is." he pushed away a few crudely made bricks in the red wall and entered a small passage way to find a quite striking man. He looked similar to me, with long blonde hair, a thin face, and a small mustache. He wore a reddish suit and jeans and looked terribly frightened as he stood with his back to the wall in fear of the anti-Christ. "There you are, James Pirrup."
"Don't hurt me! Leave me alone!" Father put his hands forward for defense.
"Oh, don't grovel. I'm not my father, pathetic mortal. I'm just doing a favor." Damien moved aside and allow me to move closer to my father.
"Ch-cheerio, Father."
"...Phillip?" Father hugged me tightly, "Oh my God, son, I never thought I'd see you again!"
"Ugh, humans... so emotional..." Damien rolled his eyes.
"Well, Barbra Streisand killed me father." I explained quickly.
"Babs did that?"
"You're a friend of her's?" I said curiously.
"Yeah sorta... we were... close."
"They had sex." Damien summarized.
"Oh dear! Is she Mother?" I asked with surprise. Being killed by my own mother... dear I hoped it wasn't her.
"I... I don't really know. Son, when I was in South Park I... was not exactly the most honorable guy."
"This is the section for those who had lust as their biggest offense." Damien told me bluntly.
"Oh! Is Mother dead like you?" I asked, a bit saddened. Perhaps I'll never know my mother...
"No. She's still alive in South Park probably. Admittedly though, your mum is a woman of questionable morals..."
"Oh dear Elizabeth! This is like when Eric tried to find his father... father, you don't have a vagina by any chance, do you?" I asked, curious.
"Goddamn son!" he got up, "Who the hell raised you?"
"Nobody. I lived in the school because my parents were dead... at least that's what I had thought..." I cried. Damien was not paying attention anymore, and was playing on a PSP. "It's a shame now I may never know my mother, as grateful as I am to have met you, father." I smiled up at him.
"I love you, too, son." Father hugged me tightly still. "We'll find out who your mother is... somehow... some day..."
"Ugh, you're just going to keep whining, won't you!" Damien walked up, "Fine, I'll let you both back for twenty-four hours, and I'll go with you, but once you find out who your mother is, both of you are going back to Hell and staying there and that is final!" he said, eyes burning as he stared at us. I smiled at Father and hugged him tightly.
[A/N: At this point, I apparently switched from First Person POV to Third Person mid-chapter... eheh...]
Then a dark voice came on, "WHO IS PIP PIRRUP'S MOTHER?"
"Oh dear, not him again..." Pip sighed, remembering the voice from Eric's search.
"What?" Damien asked.
"IS IT PRINCIPAL VICTORIA?"
"Ohhh, I remember that chick. Dude, she was fuckin' great..." Father smirked, much to my surprise.
"OR IS IT LIANE CARTMAN?"
"Eric's mother? I don't think so." Pip said.
"Liane? Oh God, she was freakin' amazing... seriously! She's one of those women you just lose yourselves with, such a perfect-" Damien covered his mouth.
"No! You don't want to make your punishment worse, do you?"
"OR IS IT-"
[Act Break]
Back in the mountain town of South Park, the classic four boys were enjoying a mini-vacation. School was out for a few days and they had decided to find a peaceful spot to hang out, settling on a secluded lake surrounded by the mountainous forest. The boys sat relaxed as all four had a fishing pole sitting in the calm lake hoping to perhaps catch a bite. If they didn't catch anything it would have been fine anyway for now things were just perfect.
Cartman turned his head, "You know you guys... this is kinda peaceful really. Just us, you know, being friends. No celebrities, no Gingers, no Jew- oh right, Kyle, sorry."
"...thanks Cartman... I think" Kyle said.
"Hey I got a bite!" Stan smiled, trying to reel, "It's a big one!" Kenny grabbed Stan to keep him in the boat as he reeled.
"Wow that thing must be huge!" Kyle said commenting as he helps Kenny in keeping Stan on the boat.
Cartman lazily sat on his fat ass and just watched
"Heheh, that's what she said!" Kenny laughed as they finally fell back, pulling in a huge catfish.
"Holy shit dude, that one's huge!" Kyle said.
"It looks like it's gonna throw up..." Stan's eyes widened.
"Fish don't throw up..." Kyle commented "Do they?" Suddenly the fish lit on fire and disappeared, revealing a very discolored, half-eaten duo of Pip Pirrup and Damien.
"We need to fix this resurrection shit." Damien remarked, lighting himself on fire for a split second to recover back to his regular appearance.
"HOLY SHIT!" Kyle exclaimed
"Damien?! Pip?!" Stan asked
"Yes, it's a long story. Paddle us to shore and I'll explain." Damien said.
"No way, I'm not wasting my time on you buttholes." Cartman said. Damien set Cartman on fire with a smirk and Stan and Kyle paddled back.
"AAAHHH! I'M BURNING!" Cartman screamed
"I'll help!" Kenny said as he pulled out a stick and began whacking Cartman with it. "Remember this?!"
"FUCK THAT'S NO HELP!" Cartman yelled and jumped into the lake
"Well we're here." Stan said as they reached the shore "I hope Cartman can swim.." Stan added
"I don't..." Kyle replied rather coldly course who could blame him when all Cartman ever did was use him as a punching bag
Cartman crawled ashore, hypvenilating, "...f-f...ffffff..." he reached forward, "...fuck you, Jew..." and he passed out.
"I think he's dead.."Stan said
"Oh dear! I hate seeing another child in pain!" Pip cried.
"Shut up Pip." the others all said.
"So what's this about?" Kyle asked.
"I've been allowed to bring Pip and his father back for about forty-eight hours to find the identity of Pip's mother before I drag him to the first layer of Hell." Damien explained.
"To Hell?! You mean Pip died?" Stan asked
"When did this happen?" Kyle asked obviously they have not been paying attention
"You chaps...weren't even aware that I died?" Pip asked rather hurt that no one even noticed
"How do you think I feel sometimes...?" Kenny asked "Some best friends and sometimes they don't even give a shit when I die."
"The Mecha-Streisand attack on Friday." Damien said flatly. "But yes, Pip is dead. Unless his mother is a McCormick or something."
"Damn way to make us feel guilty Kenny..." Stan complained
"Uh I don't think Pip even has a McCormick relative.." Kenny replid "Least not that I know of"
"We have no idea who my mum is... but look, if you guys do agree to help me find her, you'll never have to see me again." Pip explained his bargain.
"Um sure?" Kyle said with indifference in his voice.
"Thank you! Now, how shall I discover my mum's identity?" Pip said, thinking.
"Well what is your last name?" Kyle asked
"Pirrup." Pip said
"See, the guy to see about that kinda stuff is Scott Tenorman." Cartman said - he must've gotten up a few minutes ago. He was fixing his cap and coat.
"You mean Mephesto?" Stan asked
"Who?" Pip said
"Mephesto the mad scientist on the hill." Stan replied
"Would you chaps mind taking me to him?" Pip asked quietly, Damien rolling his eyes.
"Do we have to help this Frenchie fag?!" Cartman complained
Damien's eyes and hands appeared to be on fire, though he himself didn't burn a bit
"Awww are you and Frenchie a couple? "Cartman mocked
"...when will you ever learn fat ass?" Kyle asked
"Rectus dormius tyrannus flamicus!" Damien raised his arms, and Cartman was again lit on fire, although this time, the fire was a vibrant, icy blue.
"AAAHH!" Cartman screams as he ran in circles
"Ahh quit being such a baby..." Kenny remarked
"Anyway let's go to Mephesto's."Stan said
"Lead the way, chap." Pip said as Cartman passed out again.
"Damn, more dead weight." Kenny sighed.
"He'll catch up." Kyle said.
xXx
Dr. Alphonse Mephesto was in his laboratory at a table, with a small animal in a tray, "Oh, don't fret." he told the small creature as it tried to run, "Poor thing, you don't realize how revolutionary you'll be to the scientific community." his small assistant, Kevin, a hairy tanned boy in an outfit similar to his adoptive father's, approached. "Hm, what's going on, Kevin?" he put down his instrument and picked up his cane, "Someone at the door now? We shouldn't even answer it... all I do to the good citizens of South Park is hurt them... the turkeys... the clones... I mean, look what happened when I had to explain Eric Cartman's father, Kevin?"
Kyle knocks on Mephesto's lab door. "Hello anyone there? Dr. Mephesto?" cried a voice from outside. Mephesto looked to his small assistant. Kevin simply moved a stool the door and hopped on top to look out the small peephole.
"Hey it's that weird short thing.."Stan pointed out
Kevin said nothing, looking out at them.
"Can you let us in...thing?" Kyle asked. Kevin blinked and looked to Mephesto,
"...oh, fine, let them in." Mephesto said. Kevin opened the top two locks then pushed the stool away, scraping the floor, and then opened the last lock and then the door. Mephesto watched apprehensively as the classic four, Damien and Pip entered.
"Mephesto we're here to find Pip's mom. " Stan told him
"Why I'll never know we don't even like him." Cartman grumbled.
"Don't you want to never see him again in your whole life?" Kyle asked.
"Oh yeah that'd kick ass!" Cartman exclaimed "Hurry up find his bitch ass mom!" Hearing this deep down Pip wanted to cry, he felt rather lonely but he didn't let his hurt feelings show.
"Ummm...s-sure..." Pip replied in a tone subtly not quite as cheerful as he normally was.
"Oh, for crying out loud, another DNA Test?" Mephesto gripped his cane tightly, "Fine, fine... do you have a DNA sample from your father?" he asked. Damien gave Mephesto a vial. "And now I'll need some of your blood, Mr. Pirrup."
"Oh, some of my blood?" Pip's eyes widened with fear, "Oh dear, you won't be sticking a needle in me, will you?"
"Shut up Pip." Stan said.
"Yeah don't be such a pussy hurry up so we don't have to put up with your faggy accent ever again!" Cartman shouted coldly.
"Oh right, you of all people are going to say that?" Mephesto rolled his eyes, "You cried when I told you your father was Jack Tenorman!" Cartman said nothing. "Now, which one of you is going to get a DNA sample from Pip?"
"Kenny can do it..." Stan said
"Yeah Kenny said he'll volunteer..." Kyle added.
"What the fuck I didn't say that!" Kenny replied
"Stop your bitching..."Cartman told him
"Ugh fine..." Kenny grumbled "I'll do it...asses"
"What do I have to do?" Kenny asked
Kevin handed Kenny a needle as Mephesto explained, "Get a small sample of Pip's blood." Pip backed away.
"Ok.." Kenny said as he walked over to Pip with the needle. Pip backed away further,
"Oh please, not the needle!"
"But I have to get a sample Pip!" Kenny replied. Pip sighed and put his hand out,
"M-make it quick." Kenny walked up to Pip and quickly sticks the syringe in his arm and pulls out a blood sample, Pip's eyes closed as his face crumpled with pain.
"All right, give me the sample and then you boys can come back in about an hour and I'll have the results."
"AN HOUR?! Why so fucking long?"Cartman complained as Kenny handed the sample over to Mephesto.
"It takes a while to analyze DNA results. Your lucky I'm not charging you the standard $3000"
"Ok what do we do for an hour?" Kyle asks.
"Let's mess with some of these stupid animals." Cartman went by the five-assked monkey cage while Mephesto was distracted.
"You think we should?" Kyle asked
"What's the worst that could happen?" Stan asked. As soon as the door was open, the five-assed monkey ran at Kenny.
"Oh dear!" Pip said with shock.
"He'll be back in a few hours." Damien sad indifferently. In an instance the monkey tore Kenny to shreds and he laid on the ground dead.
"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Stan said.
"You bastards!"
[Act Break]
"All right John, you know what to do, right?" called Kyle from on top of the hill.
"You guys promise I won't get killed?" the boy, John Vanson, turned around, wearing a bright blue jacket and a yellow undershirt, with long messy brown hair, glasses, and a big grin.
"Promise." Stan said with an encouraging style. He, Cartman and Kyle were at the top of an enormous hill. John stood at the bottom with a stick and ran up to a large sleeping creature. It appeared to be a gigantic robot... with hair and a large mammalian nose, as well as enormous closed eyes.
"Wake up Babs!" John called, as he poked it with a stick. Giant red eyes stared at him. "Wake the fuck up!" he said, looking at Stan, "You guys, I don't think it's working..."
"Just make sure to press the button by her leg, buddy!" Cartman yelled, an evil smirk. Mecha-Streisand got up and stared down and John made a run for her leg, but was too late - her leg raised.
"Aw, don't make me go-"
STOMP.
"Awh, finally, I hated that kid!" Cartman cheered. Stan and Kyle hugged, but Mecha-Streisand looked them in the eye. "Oh fuck, the toxic fume spray! Go for her legs you guys!" they all jumped down into the valley, Kyle running towards Mecha-Streisand's leg and hopping on it. Mecha-Streisand hopped up and tried to shake him off. Kyle quickly moved to the back of her leg while she chased Stan and Cartman.
And then suddenly, she was gone, and singer Barbra Streisand stood in her place, "Where is it?"
"What?"
"The Diamond of Pantheos!" Streisand said.
"We don't have it, Barbra. We need you to come with us. There's a little British boy who may be your son. And he needs his mom right now." said Cartman.
"...Cartman? Is that you?" Kyle said.
"Shhh, Kahl, don't be a dirty Jew, I'm trying to mess with her mind and appeal to her love of children godammit!" Cartman said.
"...who do you think I am here, Miley fucking Cyrus?" Streisand asked.
"Oh for fuck's sake, time for Plan B." Stan said, "Damien!" Suddenly Streisand was lit with fire.
"AUGH! LET ME FUCKING GO YOU STUPID KID!"
"Agree to help us. It's one day you fucking big-nosed freak." Damien replied.
"Fine! Fine!" Barbra said and the fire disappeared.
"Now let's get togerher Pip's other potential fathers." Damien said.
"Damn Damien, you are bad ass." Cartman said.
"...Thank you, I think." Damien said.
"Let's hope Dr. Mephesto, Kevin and Terrence are taking care of the rest."
"The day is approaching to give it your best
You've got to reach your prime!"
Dr. Mephesto is looking in a microscope while Kevin switches slides every moment or so. Each slide has almost identical-looking DNA, until we see a very different one. Mephesto stops, thinking he's made a breakthrough, but Kevin reads the label: People v. Simpson, Crime Scene DNA. Mephesto's eyes widen and he looks both ways and hides it.
"That's when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us the passage of time"
The three boys and Damien are in Nurse Gollum's office, who's treating a crying Clyde. They go up and ask her some questions to her as she holds a clipboard. She nods, and then treats Clyde.
"We're gonna need a montage (Montage)
A mom-finding montage (Montage)"
Kevin is on the phone with Mayor McDaniels, who keeps talking for a few moments, probably whining that as a Mayor she has better things to do then he gives it to Terrence Mephesto who yells for her to come angrily, then hangs up leaving her in shock.
"And just show a lot of things happenin' at once.
Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?)"
The boys are speaking with Principal Victoria in her office with Mr. Mackey. They appear to be resisting until Cartman takes the picture of Victoria with Rosie O'Donnel off the book shelf and Victoria nods quickly.
"And with every shot, show a little improvement
To show it won't take too long"
Terrence is speaking with Ms. Cartman through a locked door as she finishes up with a client on the other side.
"That's called a montage (Montage)
Even Rocky had a montage (Montage)"
Kenny's parents are crying at his funeral when the boys ask them quietly. They exchange looks and Stuart yells but Carol shakes her head and gets up to go with them.
"In any case, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro"
An armed Officer Barbrady guards a tied up Barbra Streisand in front of a wall with many small glass tanks filled with Mephesto's genetic creatures.
"You'll need a montage (Montage)
a simple little montage (Montage)"
The boys are at Hell's Pass Hospital speaking with Nurse Goodly. who's using her mouth to give some flu shots. She agrees.
"Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage)
If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed in a montage (Montage)
Montage (Montage)"
The potential mothers were all gathered in Dr. Mephesto's laboratory with him, Kevin, Terrence, the boys, Damien and Pip at front. "All right, all right, the DNA test results will be out any minute." Mephesto smiled triumphantly.
"Oh God, mam, I swear, if you fucked Pip's dad, I am going to make you eat grandpa." Cartman threatened.
"Poopeskins! No, bad!" Liane Cartman told her son.
"I am never sleeping around again." Barbra crossed her arms. The machine's DNA results came out,
"Pip Pirrup's mother is..."
BANG BANG.
"You missed this time, Ralph!" Mephesto said triumphantly.
"No I didn't." came a voice, and suddenly the lights were out.
"Dammit now I can't read the sheet. Why does this always happen during paternity tests? Nobody cares about multiple-assed animals but I'm telling some kid who their parent is and suddenly everyone wants in... Jesus Christ..."
"Ah, Mephesto... I've waited a long time for this." came a voice.
"...you!" Mephesto cried.
"Oh dear, who is it?" Pip asked.
"Shut up Pip!" everyone else called. Pip's stomach contorted again. Just keep thinking happy... he told himself.
BANG! Thud - Mephesto had fallen.. There was a shriek from an unrecognizable voice.
"It's okay, Kevin, daddy'll be okay." Terrence said, comforting his 'younger brother' "I know where the fuse box is. You guys stay here. I have the test results, don't worry about that."
"Okay, you know what, who's out there?" Cartman called, "I am not having this shit happen again, especially not for fucking Frenchie, he's not even a main character, he's fucking dead!" Pip reminded himself again things would end up good... they always do, he was a good boy...
"I'm not fucking stupid, you think I'm just going to tell you who I am? I'm an old friend of the Mephesto family. That's all you need to know." came the voice.
"Pip's life sucks already, why stall it? I mean, the kid's been a stupid pussy his whole life and still went to Hell, and refuses to stand up for himself or anything, the stupid French piece of-" Eric Cartman began.
"Oh... forget it! Just forget it! All of you! My whole life I've tried to be a good person. Just so people will like me. And you know what? It's all just been a waste of time. None of you care about me, or who my mother is." Pip cried out, and then there was a slamming of a door.
"...can the rest of us leave, too?" asked Cartman.
"No." said the voice, " Ralph is going to lock the door and keep you all here."
"No! You can't do that!" Damien cried.
"Yes I can." said the voice.
"No, Damien is right. You can't." came another voice.
"...oh no. Not you... fucking butthole..." cried Cartman.
"Where it the Coon now, Eric?" cried the boy perched in the darkness on Mephesto's desk.
"Where the fuck did you come from?"
"That's not important right now." the boy said.
"Mysterion, thank goodness you're here." Kyle said.
"Yes, thank goodness you're here." a man vaguely resembling Mephesto came up with a smirk, holding a gun, "The name's Ralph Mephesto." There was a small light on now from a lantern he had put down in front of him. "None of you are leaving alive. Me and my, ahem, associate, have plans for you. Now, now, all of you get on your knees and put your hands behind your heads!"
"...I hate this town." Stan nosebridgepinched.
[Act Break]
"Hello Ralph. Fancy seeing you here." Mysterion leaped down to face off Mephesto's younger brother.
"Don't forget you - I'm the one with the gun." Ralph said.
"A real man doesn't have to use weapons." Mysterion said cryptically.
"What do you know about being a real man, Broflovski?"
"Dude, I'm over here." the camera panned over to the actual Kyle.
"...the fuck? Then who's..." Mysterion waved. "Godammit." Ralph facepalmed. "Well, I've got the-" Ralph raised his arm - to realize his gun was gone. "Who-" Click.
"Get out of here, dudes." said a familiar voice.
"Oh, fuck this." Damien raised his arms and was engulfed in flames for a split second, and then was absent from the scene.
"...aw, godammit." Kyle cursed.
xXx
Pip was outside Dr. Mephesto's lab, sitting deep in the snow, for once looking quite sad, his head hung between his hands - he was near one of the hill's many dead trees. Forget about them, ol' chap, they don't care about you... he told himself. He sniffled, My existence has been worthless! No friends, nor family, nor love... he remembered his old life in England. Ah, but things just went downhill after Pocket contracted Hepatitis... he sniffled again, holding in a cry from the memory.
"Hey..." Damien appeared, "Hey Pip." he repeated quietly, a consoling look on his face as he sat by the British boy.
"Go away!" Pip cried angrily.
"Pip, dude..."
"I said 'go away!' You don't care about me - nobody does! My entire life I've been nice to everyone, pushing out every last negative thought in the hopes someone might like me... that I might have a real, honest friend... and look what it brought me? Crushed to death with no funeral, no idea who my mother is and only meeting my father in Hell! My entire existence has just been a big joke!" Pip said, and then he turned and glared, his voice cracking, "You had something to do with this didn't you? Don't think I forgot when you set me on fire! You and your father planned it, I bet - it's all just a big joke? You really ARE the anti-Christ, I suppose. I can't believe I ever thought for one moment you were my best friend." Pip turned away, a few tears rolling down his thin face as his self-restraint faltered...
"...you really think I'd do that?" Damien said, "Look Pip, you're right - I am the anti-Christ, and I was an asshole to you. It's just... well you said it yourself. You hoped people like you. That's why I lit you on fire. Just as you wished for acceptance, I did. And you were the passage to it. But you haven't been a joke." Damien said, uncharacteristically quiet, "Pip, there's something you should know..." Damien looked away.
"What?"
"It is my fault you died." Damien revealed, Pip's eyes widening, "I always thought highly of you. You may have been annoying, but nobody kept a smile on their face the way you did, through all life's abuse. You really were the closest thing I had to a friend, as annoying as you were. I could barely stand you, but the truth is, there's nobody I'd sooner trust... I wanted to get you out of South Park, Pip. I wanted you to get away from the abuse. To live in peace. I figured if I killed you, you could stay in hell and live with the others. All peaceful. So when I let Steve Irwin and Michael Jackson back up from Hell for the lawsuit, I made a deal they couldn't go back unless they made sure Babs got you."
"...y-you're lying." Pip said, "You just want me to feel better so you can get the guilt off your shoulders granting my wish."
"Pip, I swear on my mother's life, that I'm telling the truth." Damien said quietly, "I know I seem evil, I should be... but we all have our soft spots, even my father. You're my only friend... I just wanted you out of your misery."
"H-how do I know I can trust you?" Pip said.
"The old Pip would trust anyone no matter what. You've got nothing to lose. Pip, I'm not saying this as the anti-Christ, or as the son of Satan, I'm saying this as your friend: Trust me."
"Damien..." Pip turned, tears down his face.
"Phillip." Damien replied quietly, and Pip moved forward and embraced Damien quietly. They stood there for a moment, in the snow, hugging, before Damien forced himself to break the silence. "I should also tell you - nobody can ever know about this little conversation, or a damn thing I told you."
"Of course..."
xXx
"Kevin!" Stan's eyes widened - Kevin Mephesto stood behind Ralph with a gun at his head, Terrence next to him.
"Thought we'd left you for dead, eh, Marsh?" Terrence smirked.
"Oh, thank God!" Nurse Gollum smiled, the potential moms at the back of the room now, having tried to keep quiet to avoid being killed.
"Why do you hate your brother so much dude?" Kyle asked.
"Alphonse has always been the smart one, the nice one, the good one, the smart one. That's why the story he made about Liane Cartman made so much sense - I only shot him under improvisation for the conspiracy. This time, well he got me involved."
"He who?" Stan asked.
"Well, it was-"
BANG
Ralph fell forward. "Kevin, what the fuck?" Cartman asked. Stan went by the body, examing his back.
"Cartman, you idiot, this is an exit wound, not an entrance wound. Couldn't have been Kevin, he was behind. And judging from where it went through, it narrowly missed his heart. He should be able to survive." Stan noted. "Never thought Uncle Jimbo's lessons would come in handy..."
"He's right." Nurse Goodly and Nurse Gollum approached, examing it. "Must be from a small pistol." said Nurse Goodly noted.
"Well then who could it be?" Kyle said. Terrence and Kevin ran over to crouch by Dr. Mephesto, still unconcience.
"He's still breathing." Terrence noted.
"I'll get to taking care of Mephesto." Nurse Goodly moved over by him, "Mary, come here." she said and Nurse Gollum approached.
"Okay, mysterious voice, who are you? We've had enough of this crap. I can get a real 'nam vet on you in like, a minute."
"Kevin might recognize me, don't you Kevin?" The voice returned, sounding closer. Kevin made an upset face.
"Don't let him get to you, brother..." Terrence said.
"I've known your father for years. Alphonse and I were once good friends, you see. Great friends. In fact, I introduced him to his wife." said the voice.
"...my m-mom?" Terrence said.
"Shame they divorced... but that's not important. You see, I just got out of prison..." came the voice.
"Show yourself, butthole!" Cartman cried.
"Fine." An old man walked out, with dark gray hair on his head and large blue eyes with a dastardly smile. He had a dark mustache. His eyes were half-lidded, his face wrinkly, and he wore a dark orange prison inmate suit and held a cane similar to Mephesto's as he stood up, "Remember me?" he smirked. Kevin hid behind Terrence.
"Leave my little brother alone!"
"Just tell us who you are!" Stan cried.
"The name's Dr. Arnie Abesacraben, University of California, Class of '86." said the man, smirking.
"What's your problem with my father?" Terrence asked.
"You'd like to know wouldn't you?" Abesacraben smirked, "Look Terrence, your father's been lying to you all of these years... or rather, to little Kevin."
"What about my little brother?" Terrence asked.
"Exactly!" Abesacraben said, "Here, I'll let some friends tell you... Primus!"
"Hey, it's that guy who always sings when we get on the bus!" pointed out Kyle. Les Claypool nodded, and cleared his throat loudly,
"In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis
Saw two of it's all-time brightest stars,
Dr. Alphonse Mephesto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben.
Dr. Mephesto worked hard towards his thesis - his goal
Was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus,
So that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length,
Giving Asparagus a much more pleasent presentation in the world's
Supermarkter vegetable bins.
Dr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create the greatest
Musical entertainer the world had ever seen.
Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble the right elements,
He could theoretically build a DNA structure that would ensure
His creation had talent far surpassing the average individual.
At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that
Michael Jackson - in an effort to maintain his youthful look and
Feminie vocal characteristics - had his testicles surgically removed,
Thereby making him a modern-day castrato.
If such a rumor were true, Michael Jackson more that likely would have
Had some of his semen preserved before the surgery, to ensure his the
Future of his name and lineage.
Word came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker
Deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center, that not only
Contained four containers of frozen semen, but also held a pair of
Testicles, each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson"."
Darth Chef came forward, "I once heard a noise,
In the night the most sensual voice.
Song of love from a eight year-old boy,
Stuck in my head.
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy!
Pondering reality!
I am gopher boy!
Who will buy my raspberries?"
The boys exchanged odd looks as Claypool continued,
"This had to be the seed of the king of pop!
Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm and and chissled Greek
Feature to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer, who of
Course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a small vial
Of the precious semen.
The search for the egg was a short one - Dr. Mephesto simply ran an ad
In the classified section of an airline music magazine. The ad read:
"Wanted: unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment. Donors must
Have musical background." With a pleathera of young, eager wanna-be
Music starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors - after
Rigorous
Auditioning - picked... and purchased.
Dr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally if the
Fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non-human. He had long since
Secured the services of the University volleyball mascot, a llama by the
Name of "Missy".
When the baby was ready, the child was delivered via cesarean. It was a healthy baby
Boy; he was named Kevin."
Darth Chef came up again, "I once heard a noise,
In the night the most sensual voice.
Song of love from a eight year-old boy,
Stuck in my head.
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy!
Pondering reality!
I am gopher boy!
Who will buy my raspberries?"
Claypool coughed, "Sorry... sorry..." he cleared his throat again,
"Kevin was a beautiful child. Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was
Trained by the best in all aspects of performing. His voice was golden, and had a
Sweetness to it that most males lacked. He moved with grace, and was able to
Moonwalk by the time he was three. As Kevin grew in his talent, Dr. Abesacraben
Started noticing odd developments in his physical state. When Kevin lost his baby
Teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengance! They were at least twice
The size of a normal adult's, and the two in front stuck nearly straight out. Also
As Kevin reached his eighth year, he was the same size as the was when he was four. To
Top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous, even by adult
Standards.
It also dawned on the doctor that even trough all the years of hearing Kevin sing,
He rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurgles."
Darth Chef came up one more time, "I once heard a noise,
In the night the most sensual voice.
Song of love from a eight year-old boy,
Stuck in my head.
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy!
Pondering reality!
I am gopher boy!
Who will buy my raspberries?"
"Others were noticing the changes in Kevin. Children began to tease him - to call him "Gopher Boy".
One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy" started throwing bananas at him.
Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.
Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit three finger fingers off on his left hand.
Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state.
Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found out, but because there was no legislation
Concerning the genetic instruction of a human being, no criminal charges were brought forth.
The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his creditials, and his reputation was ruined.
In fact, his name became to synonmous with failure, that for years to come,
Medical students around the world were known to say in times of mishaps,
"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben".
Dr. Mephesto immediately began procedings to adopt little Kevin.
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus,
It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.
They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity.
Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles.
But on occasion, if you listen closely,
You can hear his sweet golden signing voice ring out into the night over the town of South Park." Claypool finished, coughing again, "Sorry, been a while since I had to sing so fast."
"Thanks guys!" Abesacraben said.
"We appreciate the gig." Claypool said as he, Darth Chef and the rest of Primus left.
"So you see, Kevin... I am your father." Abesacraben said. "Mephesto's been taking credit for your creation for years. The perfect pop singer... but you're mine now!" he smirked.
"No, he's not." cried Mysterion as he tackled Abesacraben, "That boy is legally bound to Mephesto! Kevin's not your's anymore!"
"Get off me, you fucking kid!"
"Oh, I'm no kid... I'm more powerful than you could possibly concieve." Mysterion smirked, as he held Abesacraben down. "Officer Barbrady, get him now!"
"But don't I have to watch Barbra Streisand?" Barbrady called, still watching Barbra from the beginning, "I don't even have my gun anymore!"
"No, no, I can handle Babs, you take Arnie." Mysterion moved aside as Barbrady came up and fastened restraints on Abesacraben's fingers.
"You're going downtown." Barbrady escorted Arnie out.
"You haven't heard the last of me!" he was dragged out. Damien and Pip reappeared,
"Looks like you guys fixed things." Damien said.
"Jolly good." Pip smiled.
"Alphonse'll be fine in a few minutes." Nurse Goodly told the others, "We've fixed his wounds fairly well, stopped bleeding. He'll be okay." Terrence smiled. Kevin still looked sad.
"Hey Kevin?" Terrence asked his little brother, "It doesn't matter if Dr. Abesacraben is really your father. 'cause you know what? Dad's been more of a father to you than that jackass was anyway." They hugged.
"Jesus fuck, remind me never to go to Mephesto's lab for a test ever again." Cartman said.
"Amen." Kyle said.
[Act Break]
"Wh-where am I?" awoke Dr. Alphonse Mephesto on the floor of his lab, as he was helped up by Nurses Gollum and Goodly, looking around, a hand on a bandage on the side of his face.
"You're in your lab, Dr. Mephesto. Your brother shot you again." Nurse Gollum explained.
"How are the Denver Broncos involved in this?" Mephesto asked.
"Oh, he was helping Dr. Arnie Abesacraben." Goodly said. Mephesto raising an eyebrow.
"Dr. Abesacraben? But he-"
"...Jesus Christ. Can we just finish this up already?" Cartman said. Mysterion, Cartman, Damien, Pip, Kyle and Stan sat by Mephesto, Terrence and Kevin as he the Nurses retreated. "I'm so sick of Pip this, Pip that - everyone cares so much about that stupid Frenchie, what about me? I'm complex, I'm interesting! I could be my own TV show if I wanted to!"
"Cartman, shut up." Stan said as Dr. Mephesto took the letter out.
"All right, the mother of Pip Pirrup is... say, did anyone see the 201st episode of Terrance and Phillip two months ago? That was really something wasn't-"
"Quit stalling!" Kyle said.
"Right, right... as I was saying, the mother of Pip Pirrup is... Principal Victoria!" Mephesto said, to wide mouths.
"Thank God. Can I go now?" Barbra asked, still arms behind her back as Mysterion guarded her.
"No you can't go." Mysterion scolded.
"Phew. I'm glad it wasn't me, I can't afford another kid." Carol said.
"Me neither. Why, Eric costs so much money by himself..." Liane noted.
"To be honest, I was looking forward to having a little boy around, even if he is British." Nurse Goodly said. Pip quietly walked up to his mother,
"Cheerio Principal Victoria. This explains everything doesn't it, I suppose?"
"Hello... son." Principal Victoria looked away, "What do you mean?"
"You said I had to stay at school all the time because my parents were dead. I get it now - you wanted to keep an eye on me, right?" Pip smiled at her.
"Well yes, Pip... I'm sorry Pip, you shouldn't have had to grow up without parents around." she said, kneeling down to her son. "I didn't mean to- it's just that... I had a husband when I ran into James, i-it was a fling. I was able to hide it all from my husband and I gave birth to you in England, but I had to set up the exchange student program and everything... it was a big cover-up. I'm so sorry..." she said.
"I... I love you, mom." Pip said quickly, hugging her.
"I, uh... yeah, you too, Pip." Victoria said, half-hugging back before Pip broke away.
"Well, now I've met you, mother. I suppose my time's up, Damien?"
"I'm afraid so." Damien said as Pip went by him, Damien raising his arms.
"Wait, Pip..." Stan said. Pip turned to the boys, "Look we learned something today... we learned a lot. We learned no matter how annoying someone is, it's rude to just hate them and expect them to change. People don't just change if you hate them. We need to accept people for who they are and can't just bully them because we don't like them. Everyone's a person and you should treat people how you want to be treated."
"Yeah..." Kyle said. Pip smiled.
"We were too mean to you all those years and we're really sorry for treating you like crap... Cartman."
"Thanks pussies." Cartman said.
"Well... tally ho everyone, I suppose." Pip and Damien went to the side, "I shall honestly miss you all."
"Goodbye, Mr. Pirrup." Dr. Mephesto said, with a small wave, Kevin bouncing.
Damien raised his arms and chanted and a sphere of light surrounded the two, Pip giving a final wave as the ball quickly shrank, taking them with it.
"Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go patrol the city." Mysterion said, heading for a window and hopping out into the night.
"So... you guys wanna go get ice cream?" Cartman said.
"Hell yeah!" Kyle said and the three boys shuffled out, followed by Liane and Carol.
"Say, any of you kids seen Kinny?" asked Carol
"Oh right, yeah, I'd like to thank all of you for your help but it's late and Kevin and Terrence need to get their rest. Good night everyone." Dr. Mephesto said, opening the door to his laboratory and letting everyone out, sighing, "All right kids, both of you get to bed! If your mother hears I let you stay up late again, I'll die without even reaching ninety!" Terrence and Kevin shuffled away, "All right, so let's see... human DNA... bear DNA... pig DNA... maybe I can splice a-"
"Hey what about me?" cried Barbra Streisand.
"Oh, I'm sorry, is someone here?" Mephesto looked both ways and went back to splicing.
"Damn you all!"
The End
Author's Notes: Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!
Commentary: When I wrote this six years ago, I thought I was at the close of my South Park fanfic writing career. This turned out to be a rebirth instead, and lead to me creating this crummy series of fics. It was cathartic to write so soon after a character I'd really like died and try to tie it into that larger universe. For all of the many, many errors and flaws, this still almost feels like a magnum opus in that regard. I still miss Pip, but giving him a proper send-off left me feeling a lot better about that.
This was also the first fic where I really took advantage of the Mephesto family of characters, who I had largely avoided in previous fics since they weren't very current characters. I took very well to them and most of my efriends know now I sort of struggle not to use them. It was also only my second time using Mysterion, only a few months before we'd find out his true identity. Kenny's early death was designed to setup that he could be Kenny without being definitive.
This fic is full of flaws, and I've already written half of a rewrite that's been on ice. A lot of the dialogue is clunky, or sounds as if cut from archived audio. I think today, making dialogue that read naturally is one of my more genuine skills, but that's not here. The plot is obviously super rehashy, and I've grown mostly past that, but I do fall back on it, as I've always been more of a reactionary writer, a fault I'm still working to correct.
I asked people to vote on my FFN profile for the identity of Pip's mother. Carol McCormick took an early lead, with the promise maybe I could use Pip again in future works... but Principal Victoria ended up winning.
Continuity/Trivia
- Some of the opening, like Pip's lines in "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig", is lifted from the opening of "Great Expectations", Pip's origin novel.
- The entire opening lead-in is basically a Continuity Cavalcade of Pip's appearances in the show. Hopefully you're not facepalming as much as I am.
Much of the fic overlaps with and takes place on the heels of "200" and "201" from Season 14, which had just aired a month earlier. There's dozens of references specifically to those episodes.
- Continuity error: Pip frequently uses proper names here, like Stanley and Leopold. This is not accurate in most cases. Pip refers to Cartman as 'Cartman' and Joe as 'Joe'. I swear he's said Stanley, but mostly, he sticks to nicknames anyway.
- The extended sequence aboard the airplane is a take-off on "Dead Celebrities", featuring celebrities who had also died around April-May 2010 and earlier, such as Corey Haim.
- Jared Fogle and Phil Collins died in "200" when the Ginger Kids' bomb went off, and Tom Cruise died in "201"... of course, we've seen Jared since, in "Stunning and Brave"...
- Estella Havisham was one of the featured characters in Season 4's "Pip", a take-off of "Great Expectations" that featured either a backstory or alternate reality origin for our favorite little British kid.
- Continuity error: ...speaking of which, his parents are given as Phillip Sr. and Georgina in that episode...
- Turkeys and Clones are both references on Mephesto's part to season 1's "Starvin' Marvin" and "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig", of course. The latter is also where his son, Terrence, makes his sole appearance.
- Mephesto charged three thousand dollars to test Cartman's DNA in "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut".
- The Diamond of Pantheos is used to activate Mecha-Streisand and her powers. It plays a huge role in "Mecha-Streisand" but is relatively minor in "200"/"201".
- The Montage song should be familiar to anyone from "Asspen" or from Matt and Trey's "Team America: World Police".
- Yes, in dozens of episodes, there is a photograph of Principal Victoria with Rosie O'Donnell in her office.
- Nurse Goodly appears in a few episodes working alongside Dr. Doctor, but was only prominent in "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut". She's been retired from the show since around the fifth season.
- Threatening to eat Grandpa? That's a weird reference to "Scott Tenorman Must Die".
- 'Ralph' is the name I have applied for Dr. Mephesto's unseen brother who tried to shoot him (as he does "every month") in "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut", and we discover is a Denver Broncos fan in "201".
- Why does Ralph assume Kyle is Mysterion? The Coon trilogy hadn't aired yet, so Mysterion's real identity was unknown, but the alternate ending to "The Coon" suggested Kyle had assumed the mantle, so I used that for a gag.
- Steve Irwin and Michael Jackson, among others, returned to life for "200"/"201" despite having previously died, so I tied that into the plot. :)
- Damien swearing on his mother's life is a bit of a play on the fact we've yet to meet her.
- Les Claypool, aka 'that guy who always sings when we get on the bus', and Darth Chef sing the song "Mephesto and Kevin" from Chef Aid: the South Park Album, the origin of Dr. Arnie Abesacraben.
- Cartman bragging about how complex and interesting he is was a bit of a nod to "Cartoon Wars Part I" and he speaks similarly of himself to rib on 'Family Guy'.
- 'Human DNA... pig DNA... bear DNA...' A FAQ at South Park Studios around this time suggested Mephesto had created Manbearpig in his absence. ;)
Pop Culture References
- Barbra Streisand suggests she doesn't love children by suggesting she's not Miley Cyrus - at the time this was written, Cyrus was still in her Disney phase and associated with family-friendly entertainment.
- People v. Simpson, Crime Scene DNA is a reference to the famous O. J. Simpson murder case. Not very clever, I know.
Re-Release Edits
- Corrected spelling errors: Pip's surname, Mephesto's surname, Terrence's first name, a 'why' to a 'who' and some similar ones.
- Retained the death of my old original character, John Vanson, over the original choice for that scene. This is his only real appearance in these fics.
- Removed one part of the montage sequence for a joke that really went too far.
- Changed 'Katherine' to 'Mary' for Nurse Gollum's correct first name.