Chapter three
Once we got back to the training room at HQ on Planet G, I had to figure out how to transport one hundred Smurfs from one side of base to the other. They have a rule about just poofing yourself home, you have to be outside or you mess up the Magic reception. Kind of like when you use a cell phone on an air plane. And even then, if you have too many people you gotta use alternate transportation methods. Anyway, I found out how I'd do it. I used my amulet to materialize one of those little red wagons, right, but this one had add-ons to it. This one wasn't just one little wagon, it was many hooked together. Plus there were seats, four rows and each little seat had it's own little seat belt. And this pimped-out-looking wagon, ladies and gentlemen, was the original Smurf blue. I am talking back when they were a show on Boomerang and they were this bright blue color. That is the color of this wagon ladies and gentlemen.
You're probably wondering how I could possibly muster the strength to carry one hundred little blue people- each of whom weighed around the same as three Washington apples -across the IDCA headquarters (mind you, this place is bigger than the Mall of America). Well, I'll tell ya. Let's just say- on the off chance any of you need to fill out a security report supporting my case -that I did not see any signs that prohibited rocket-powered skateboards and/or wagons. I am not kidding. What did alert me that I wasn't supposed to operate a vehicle like that indoors, was the cracking sound I heard when I ran into Gaylord. Still not kidding.
Well we got out of the base in one piece, then there was just the matter of getting home. I technically had too many passengers with me to open a portal to my living room. At least that's what the putz at the security checkpoint told me. This place was worse than the frickin' air port. Damn magic reception. I do not get that crap. Anyway that meant we had to travel back by invisible space shuttle. Do you have any idea how hard it is to seat one hundred Smurfs so that it all works out, and leave room for three other people including me? It's pretty hard. It's like I'm literally babysitting a hundred eight-year-olds. The only two who didn't complain about who they sat with were Clumsy and Bashful... except of course for the few who sat next to Smurfette, but that's understandable.
I won't lie, the trip was pretty hard. All they did the whole way was talk about how un-smurfy this week would be without Papa. At one point Jokey made me laugh, he did the whole "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Orange" "Orange who?" "Knock knock" and so on, with the flight attendant. It was actually really funny because the flight attendant just kept going on with it. I think she's the original blonde from all the blonde jokes.
Well, the journey was hectic, but we finally made it to my house before dark. The smurfs wandered around the house, almost flushing each other down the toilets, eating soap, Clumsy almost falling off the mantle piece, Grouchy hating everything. I finally just had to call a meeting.
"Okay," I said, once I had all the Smurfs lined up on my ginormous couch, "I gotta lay down some ground rules, purely for your safety." I sat down on the foot rest, "Firstly, no playing in the kitchen... it's simply not safe. Sharp objects, hot stoves, Donnie cooks in there. Secondly, please, please don't hide in nooks and crannies where no one can find you because it worries me sick. Thirdly, don't go outside, we can't have anyone see you. Forth, if you see Donnie, my dad, do not engage him in conversation, odds are he's on his meds." I looked at them for a second, then said, "Okay, next order of business. What do you guys eat?"
"Smurfberries!" the Smurfs all said at once.
I shrugged, "Should've figured." I thought for a moment, then got an idea, "Say, Farmer, you could plant a smurfberry bush in my back yard if you wanted to, couldn't ya?"
"Well shucks, if you wanted I could grow one right in the middle of your mushroom, lady. Blue thumbs!" Farmer responded enthusiastically.
"Cool," I said, "Then we'll get right on that. In the meantime, I will get some smurfberries for the lot of you, and I will be constructive in making you a meal... even though I'm no chef, I'm a photographer." I realized then that I sound a lot like Emma Stone... "Okay, next on the agenda, what do you guys want for Christmas?"
The Smurfs all started to talk at once, but I quickly shushed them and said, "Okay, we'll talk about this later. Right now let's just work on where you guys are gonna sleep, okay?"
By the time we had everything worked out we had all the boys in the living room, sleeping in spare gloves, or old wool socks, or even oven mitts. I decided it would be best if Clumsy slept on the floor- for his own safety -and Smurfette in my room away from the rest of the guys.
*LINE*
The next morning was a rude awakening. It seems that my aunt Priscilla decided to "pop in" on us, and help us decorate the house. What woke me up was the sound of aunt Priss yelling, screaming, throwing a fit. At first I thought she was yelling at Donnie for the mess in the living room, but it sounded more like she were being ambushed by ninety-nine Smurfs... and hog-tied by one in particular.
I forgot to mention who, exactly, dearest aunt Priss is. She's my mother's oldest sister, who always thought Donnie wasn't good enough for mom, and she's the meanest woman on the face of the planet- I am not exaggerating. She looks nothing like mom did; she looks more like an old, brunette, Ellen Degenerest with botox and librarian glasses.
I grabbed Smurfette and ran downstairs only to see that aunt Priss was tied up and gagged, Gutsy interrogating her, Bashful hiding under the foot rest, all of them talking at once, and- Clumsy fell on me from atop the bookshelf, interrupting my thoughts.
"Sorry Jackie!" Clumsy said, clinging to the inside of my hood.
"Aw, smurf!" I yelled, and with that, everything went quiet. "Guys, now I gotta wipe aunt Priss's memory!"
Aunt Priss's eyes grew wide, she struggled and tried to yell- to no avail, because she'd been gagged.
"How, if I may ask," Brainy said, climbing onto the arm of the couch so to face me, "are you going to "wipe" your aunt's memory?"
I thought about it for a second, if I say a flash-pen they'll just ask more questions... "Magic." I answered.
It wasn't easy to fix the Smurfs' mess, first I had to knock aunt Priss out, then put shades on her and walk her to her car, then take the shades off her, then use my memory-wipe pen (kinda like on Men in Black, but they don't need to be awake, it's really cool) to make her forget everything that happened after she parked her car. Next I went inside, got the Smurfs into the attic,- it's a nice attic, we use it for a den -made it seem like no one was home, and taped a note to the door saying that Donnie and I had gone out, and would be gone the whole day. All I had to do now was wake her up, that literally took a snap of my fingers. I went upstairs to the attic and waited until aunt Priss left.
"Okay, that was way too close. Who tied her up?" I placed my hands on my hips and looked at all the Smurfs.
"Smurfily sorry lass," Gutsy spoke up, "but she did kick poor Clumsy halfway across the mushroom..."
I thought about it for a second, then sighed. "Are you alright, Clumsy?"
"I'm alright." Clumsy gave me a two-thumbs-up.
"Okay," I said, sitting down on the floor, "Okay, okay, okay." I rubbed my temples and tried to think. "New rule!" I said as soon as I got the idea, "We all sleep in here, including me, and no one goes downstairs until I've scoped it out first."
The Smurfs all looked really sheepish, and bashful hid behind his oversized hat.
"Hey, come on guys." I said, "You're not in trouble. I hate my aunt Priscilla." I smiled and opened my arms, "Smurf hug!" The Smurfs' faces all lit up. In a matter of seconds I was head-to-tow in Smurf hugs. "Come on Grouchy, Bashful, get in on this." I laughed.
Grouchy rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, while Bashful turned red... which seemed odd, because I always thought Smurf blood was blue. After a second, Bashful joined the hug, taking a spot on my shoulder.
"Come on grouchy!" Smurfette insisted, "Join the Smurf hug!"
"I'm not much for hugs..." Grouchy said. I grabbed him and hugged him with the rest of them. "Not... happy..." Grouchy said in a muffled voice. I laughed.
"Now, who's up for some smurfberry pancakes?" I announce. The Smurfs cheered and laughed. I got up slowly, and the Smurfs dispersed. I noticed, though, that Bashful clung to me. I didn't mind, though. At least he was warming up to me. When we got to the pull-out stairs and I saw Clumsy about to trip and fall, I caught him by the pants and said, "Whoa, speed-racer. Why don't you just take a seat right here." I placed Clumsy on my right shoulder, opposite side as Bashful.
"Jackie, are we gonna decorate the mushroom for Christmas?" Smurfette asked me when we reached the kitchen.
"Yeah," I said, "Right after breakfast." I took hold of my amulet, and used it to make a few cartons of smurfberries and a LOT of pancake mix appear.
The Smurfs oooh-ed and ah-ed at my little magic trick, and brainy asked, "Wow, what matter of sorcery is that?"
I grinned, "One of a kind." even thought there's about a billion other kids with amulets just like this one. I thought. "Now, where's Chef and Baker?"
"Right here!" The two Smurfs I'd addressed seemed to appear out of nowhere on the counter.
"How are you with breakfast food?" I asked.
*LINE*
Well, it took fourteen medium-size boxes of Bisquick, eight cartons of smurfberries, and two hours, but soon enough everyone was fed. (you'd be surprised how much Smurfs eat... a lot) I ate a few myself, and I gotta say, smurfberries are fricking delicious.
"So, who wants to put up decorations?" I offered, holding a box of ornaments. "We can even put up the tree if you guys want."
The Smurfs all talked amongst themselves, and Clumsy- who was still on my right shoulder -looked into the box, and leaned a little bit too far forward... He fell in and a few bulbs smashed.
"Oh god, Clumsy." I set the box down carefully and looked inside. There he was, sitting there with his arm cut and shards of green and red glass scattered around him. "Oh, no." I picked him up carefully.
"Ow, ow, ow..." Clumsy winced.
I hissed at the sight of his wound, it wasn't that big but boy was it bleeding. Here was my confirmation that Smurf blood is in fact red. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed the first-aid kit and scrambled back to the bloody scene. Falling off my shoulder at the sight of blood, Bashful passed out. "Hefty, will you make sure Bashful's okay, please?" I said, not looking up. I looked through the first aid kit and found a small, purple band-aid. I set the band-aid down next to Clumsy and took out the disinfectant. I took a cotton ball and ripped off a tiny piece, then used in to stop Clumsy's arm from bleeding. Once it stopped, I put the band-aid on the cut, kissed two fingers, and placed them softly on said band-aid.
"Clumsy, you have to be more careful." Brainy scolded.
I didn't pay much attention to their conversation thereafter, it didn't concern me. "Okay," I spoke up, "Now that we're done with the injuries, let's get decorating." I smiled, "Okay, I'm gonna go get the tree out of the basement, Bashful you're in charge." as I turned and left I saw Bashful (now revived), red as a tomato, looking at the rest of the Smurfs. Hey, I wasn't gonna be gone that long.
On my way down the basement stairs, I received a hologram-message from my amulet, "Heyo!" it was Ray, "Smurfs drive you crazy yet?"
"Not quite," I said, leaning against the railing of the stairs. "but still, I think my mommy-instincts are making things boring. Do you realize Clumsy already got hurt? And Bashful fell out."
"Fell out?" Ray looked confused.
"Fainted." I explained, "Poor little dude. Any idea why he's so shy?"
"I dunno, man, I guess it's just in his nature. Like how Gaylord's a wussy geek." Ray shrugged. "Anywho I gotta roll, just checkin' in."
"Pff... roll." I laughed once Ray hung up, "Wheelchair humor."
I shuffled around the basement, looking for the light switch. I can never remember where it is... ah, there it was. About five feet from the door. I flipped the light on and saw all the old memories. Old clothes, sports equipment, random whatnots, and there was the old tree in the corner. Ours is one of those white Christmas trees, one that looked less frosty and more like it were actually carved from ice. I like it, it's light and seems... open somehow. Just like our house, with all the floor-to-ceiling windows ans skylights.
I dragged the tree upstairs, trying not to drop it down the stairs. Once I'd finally lugged it to the first floor, the Smurfs tried to help me get the tree stood up in the corner of the living room. By the time it was set up, we were all exhausted. (Mind you, this is a fair sized tree) To top it off, there weren't enough bulbs to cover the tree, so I had to work up a little magic. Magic being that I used my magic amulet to make a bunch of blue bulbs and trim appear.
"Okay, why don't you guys get started on the tree," I said to most of the Smurfs. "Baker, Bashful, Clumsy, and I will get to work in the kitchen."
"All right!" Clumsy exclaimed, "Smurfy idea, Jackie. I always wanted to learn how to make Baker's ginger-smurf cookies!"
I laughed, "We'll learn together, I can't bake to save my life." I smiled, then looked at bashful, "What about you, Bashful? You wanna learn how to bake ginger-smurf cookies?"
Bashful, with his hands behind his back, nodded like a bobble-head.