Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, owned by BioWare, but hopefully this idea is original.
Mass Effect – Cwningen Gofod Llofrudd
Normandy SR2
Cerberus Operative Miranda Lawson was taking note of the recent supplies that had been brought aboard at Commander Shepard's request after he and the rest of the ground team had gone onto The Citadel to pick up Kasumi Goto and to meet with Councillor Anderson, surprisingly neither Jack nor Grunt ended up causing trouble with C-Sec much to her relief. When she noticed the ground team board The Normandy she also saw them casting odd looks towards the commander, or more specifically the padlocked box that he was carrying. It seemed to be solid metal with small, uniform holes around the top of it and occasionally it shook violently.
This immediately caught Miranda's attention, Kelly Chambers had informed her that she suggested that Shepard got a pet as a means of stress relief and they had presumed that he would have gotten some fish or a hamster, and while some fish had been brought onboard by Garrus and Kasumi, Shepard seemed to have just brought on something that definitely didn't seem to be a hamster.
Miranda approached Shepard as he set the box down on a table, hoping that he hadn't done something impulsive and stupid,
"Commander, may I ask what you have in that box?" she enquired,
Shepard gave a roguish grin before smiling,
"Of course Miranda."
A few moments passed before Miranda realised that he wasn't going to explain further unless to was direct. It was a completely obvious and immature attempt to annoy her which, if she was honest, was working but there was no way she was going to let him know that,
"What is in the box Shepard?" she asked,
While Shepard seemed to be smiling at her, she couldn't help but feel as though this one was completely evil and didn't make her feel any better,
"Not 'what' Miranda but 'who'. When Kelly suggested that I get a pet in order to deal with stress I realised that since this wasn't an Alliance vessel and I could actually do that, so I managed to get word to Anderson and had him make a few arrangements to get my old pet ready for pick up." He explained with barley contained glee,
By now other members of the squad and crew was watching and listening, as seeing Miranda try to argue with 'Shepard Logic' was usually good for some entertainment. Miranda meanwhile didn't seem to be completely reassured by what Shepard was saying and she was certain that he was deliberately leaving her wanting more,
"Your 'old pet'?" She asked with a raised brow,
Shepard was still smiling as he gave a quick nod of his head,
"Had him since I was a kid, figured if I was going up against The Collectors I'd like to have him watching my back again. It'll be good to have Ripper back again." He said in a nonchalant manner. The fact that the box gave a violent shake on the table as he said 'Ripper' gave the crew pause as it also drew Shepard's attention "Huh, looks like he wants out." He idly commented as he took out a key and started to undo the padlock, causing some of the crew members to back up, like Kelly, or even drew their side arms, such as Miranda, not willing to take a chance with any animal that the Commander would keep as a pet yet sill call 'Ripper'. Shepard looked into the box before he grinned gleefully, "Ripper! It's good to see you boy!" He said as he reached into the box and slowly picked up …
A fluffy white rabbit.
Shepard held the rabbit in one arm as he stroked it with the other hand while smiling peacefully, when he looked back up at Miranda and saw her with her gun drawn and a disbelieving expression on her face. A puzzled look crossed his face as he looked around at the other people in the room all with similar disbelieving looks on their faces,
"What?" He asked,
"A rabbit." Miranda said flatly, "Your childhood pet is a fluffy rabbit named 'Ripper'?" she asked numbly,
"Evidently." Shepard answered with a raised brow,
Miranda holstered her weapon before heading back to her office, shaking her head in disbelief,
"Unbelievable. Un-bloody-believable." She muttered to herself, loud enough for others to hear her though.
Shepard briefly watched Miranda walk away before turning to the others,
"What's her problem?" He asked everyone,
Everyone turned and gave Shepard an odd look before a few moments later Doctor Chakwas started chuckling, breaking the tension. Most of the spectators began to head back to their posts, some shaking their heads in amusement at Shepard's latest efforts to push Miranda's buttons while a few of the women, led by Kelly, started fawning over the rabbit,
"So why was he put into a padlocked box?" Kelly asked as she let the rabbit sniff her hand,
"Apparently the Alliance guys handling him were worried about him biting them." Shepard dryly said making the women start giggling at the idea of Alliance personnel being scared of a rabbit.
The mission to stop the Collectors continued after encountering them on Horizon, such as recruiting more people for the ground team. At first Miranda protested against letting Ripper move about free aboard the ship but her protests died down when it became apparent that it only left its waste in the litter-box in Shepard's cabin, somehow being able to use the elevator by itself much to the confusion of everyone else. Despite no longer openly complaining about the rabbit Miranda was confused about how on earth the rabbit could still be alive and well if Shepard had it since he was a kid.
The rabbit seemed to gain the attention of the aliens onboard and brought out their curiosity about the animal from Earth, granted Grunt tried to eat it at first before Shepard found out and actually glared him down, the Krogan not willing to challenge his Battlemaster.
On one occasion Shepard was making his way down to the lower levels of the engineering deck to check on Jack after helping her blow up the Pragia facility and found her sitting on her cot with the rabbit on her lap contently stroking its fur. To say that he was surprised was an understatement but when Jack realised that she had been caught with the rabbit she actually blushed before became defensive saying that 'the fuzzy rat' helped keep her calm. Shepard didn't say anything but did smile at her coming up with excuses for liking the rabbit.
Overtime Shepard's unusual choice in ship's pet just became an accepted oddity along with the Commander telling it to keep an eye on the ship whenever the ground team set off on a shuttle, the crew simply chalked it up to a slightly eccentric trait of his.
At least until shortly after they obtained the Reaper IFF.
The ground team had set off in the shuttle and things on board ship seemed to be running smoothly until EDI discovered that their location was being transmitted to the Collectors and before the pilot, Joker, could react the Collector's ship swooped down upon them, disabled their systems and began to board the ship.
The crew hastily got ready to try and buy Joker time to unshackle EDI, that way she could work at full capacity and fight off the Collector's hacking attempts. As the crew were ready with their weapons the doors opened revealing a large group of Collectors, husks and even a scion. Before either side made a move the Commander's pet hopped in between the two groups, while several women wanted to get the rabbit out of there, they knew that keeping the Collector's forces back would be more important. One of the Collectors started to spasm before lighting up in a yellow biotic field, its eyes glowing a similar ominous yellow,
"Assuming Direct Control!" An unnerving and resonating voice said as the enhanced Collector took charge, "Surrender now. You fight against beings beyond your mortal comprehension. If you lay down your weapons you will ascend to a higher form of existence transcending beyond anything you can imagine." As the voice spoke it became clear that its words was starting to affect the morale of the crew facing it, the leading Collector took several steps forward approaching the threshold of the door, "If you persist in your futile attempts at resistance then you will be destroyed." As soon as it finished speaking it had also crossed the threshold. That was when things started getting very freaky.
When the Collector crossed the threshold the rabbit leapt up and latched his mouth around its neck and before anyone or anything could react to what was happening the Collector was soon decapitated and collapsed like puppet with its strings cut. A stunned silence passed through the ship,
"Jesus Christ." One crew member breathed in awe,
The Collector forces immediate raised their weapons and aimed them towards the rabbit but before they could get a shot off it leapt at them, decapitating and otherwise maiming them. They continued trying to stop it but it practically flew amongst them ripping them apart with its teeth. The crew meanwhile could only watch in stunned silence, struggling to process the image of the Commander's pet rabbit tearing the Collectors apart, although a few husks did try to attack them, they were easily taken out by shotgun blasts from the crew.
More Collectors and husks came but soon found themselves confronted with Shepard's pet and were unable to divert their attention to the crew due to confined space of the corridor they were using to get into the Normandy. Soon all that was left was a husk crawling away from the rabbit trying to get to the crew, which was quickly dealt with by a few quick shots to the head but before more Collector forces could try and board the ship Joker had finally managed to unshackle EDI, releasing her full potential and allowing her to break the hacking attempts of the Collectors which let her take control of the ship and escape from their reach.
The crew breathed out sighs of relief as they escaped from the Collectors but they soon turned their attention towards the rabbit sitting on top of a pile of Collector corpses, covered in their blood. The crew cautiously made their way out of the area and then immediately sealed the doors to it, locking the rabbit in amongst the dead because after seeing what it could do there was no way that they were going to be able to relax with that thing hopping around.
When the ground team reunited with the rest of the crew they were worried about the trap that was sprung by the Collectors but were impressed that the crew had been able to hold them off long enough for them to escape. When they heard that Shepard's rabbit was the one that killed most of the Collectors, most were concerned that the crew had been exposed to hallucinogens or that they were joking, except for Shepard who seemed unfazed and ordered the crew to unseal the doors and let him get his rabbit. When the ground team saw the carnage and the gore covered bunny they assumed that the crew had done the killing while the rabbit had simply gotten messed up being stuck in the room.
It wasn't until EDI said that she could show them proof that they began to get unnerved. The rest of the crew was either being checked over by Dr Chakwas or in the briefing room with the ground team, ready to see EDI's evidence, even Joker was there to see it. While Shepard was in the room he seemed to be more concerned with trying help clean his pet and was wiping off most of the gore with swab pads provided by Mordin, who didn't want to waste the opportunity to study any Collector material (hence why most of the corpses was being kept frozen ready for study).
Once everyone was comfortable EDI played the security footage of the attack. At first things seemed normal, although Miranda did mentally note that the crew had been slacking off when the Collectors attacked. It was when the rabbit appeared that things got strange, when it began to attack on screen the ground team's eyes widened in surprise, along with the crew members who hadn't seen the incident. As the on-screen 'battle' took place, even the normally unflappable members of the ground team were openly gapping at what was transpiring before their eyes.
When the footage ended a stunned silence passed before every head turned towards Shepard, who seemed more concerned with trying to get his pet clean than the footage that was just shown. A few seconds passed before Miranda spoke up,
"Did you see that Shepard?" She asked in disbelief,
"Uh-huh, yeah." He replied absently,
When she saw how unaffected he was at what had just been shown she began to get suspicious,
"Did you know that something like that would happen?" she asked, her eyes narrowing,
Shepard finally looked at everyone staring at him and raised an eyebrow at their reactions to what they had just seen before turning his attention to Miranda,
"Well yeah, of course. Why do you think that I wanted him here to watch my back? Or asked him to watch the ship when I'm gone?" He asked in a tone of voice that made it clear that it should have been obvious, when he saw the uncomfortable looks across some of the crew members he gave and amused smile, "You thought it was just a crazy quirk didn't you?" When some of them tried to avoid his gaze he let out a brief laugh, "Ha, just because I act crazy doesn't mean that there isn't any method to the madness. Thanks for pads Mordin but I'm going to have to give him a bath in order to get him clean. I'll see you guys later." And with that he handed the pads to Mordin and left to get his pet rabbit clean, leaving a stunned group of people behind.
A few moments of awkward silence passed before Kasumi spoke up,
"Think we can just set Shep and his bunny on the Collectors and save ourselves a bunch of time?"
End
*Bonus 1 – B.O.B: Bringing Out the Badass*
It was several hours after the ground team had seen the footage of the Collectors' failed attack and were sitting in the mess hall drinking stuff ranging from tea to scotch, while the rest of the crew was asleep. For the most part they were trying to wrap their heads around the fact that Shepard's pet rabbit was much more deadly than your ordinary Varren and the fact that they had been letting said pet wander around freely onboard the ship. The thing that was most prevalent in their minds however was wondering just how on earth Shepard got a killer rabbit as a pet when he was a kid,
"It shouldn't be possible. Rabbits shouldn't be able to do that." Miranda said, keeping a tight grip on her coffee,
"What about with genetic modification? Would it be possible then?" Garrus asked her, downing a shot of turian brandy in the process, only for Mordin to answer,
"Unlikely. Even with extensive genetic enhancement, behaviour modification and biotic implants such feats of battle prowess should be extremely unlikely. Especially for this species. Doubtful that there are biotic implants suitable for it regardless." The scientist salarian said rapidly, still deep in thought trying to work out how such a feat would be possible.
Jack took a swig of bourbon from her bottle before she spoke up,
"Maybe when other kids were teaching their dogs to fetch, Shepard was teaching his little ball of furry terror how to tear out a fucker's throat." She said sarcastically, hiding the fact at how freaked out about the situation she was, 'Send me up against a race of bug-men that wants to wipe out humanity and I can handle that, seeing Shepard's pet rabbit tear those bug-men and their zombies a new ass-hole and my mind can't get going.' She thought to herself,
As the group tried to come up with some idea as to how Shepard's rabbit was able to fight off the Collectors, Joker's voice called out as he made his way into the mess hall,
"Actually Jack might be right about that." He said in seemingly serious tone of voice as he sat down next to Samara "Or at least partially." He amended,
"What do you mean Joker?" Tali asked curiously, making Joker give one of his cocky grins,
"I'm glad you asked me that Tali. Simply put it goes like this: The Commander brings out the latent Badass of anything around him." Joker said simply, causing a few members of the ground team to groan at the idea of another one of his jokes while other rolled their eyes,
"We thought you were being serious for a moment there Joker." Garrus said,
"And I am. Okay maybe I over simplified but EDI and I were looking over Shepard's records and it does seem that Shepard can bring out some of the best in those around him." When Joker saw the sceptical looks he was getting he held up his hands in placating manner "Look I know it sounds crazy but the evidence is there and I know that it isn't an immediate effect and that it take time but it is true."
"Oh, there evidence is there? And what might that be?" Miranda said sarcastically,
This didn't seem to affect Joker, who actually seemed to take it as a challenge if his smirk was anything to go by,
"Well the most obvious example is everyone in this room. Just think about before we met Shepard and compare ourselves to how we were to how we are now."
While some of the group seemed to not be taking him seriously, some actually seemed to be giving what Joker said some thought,
"Bullshit." Zaeed simply said,
Joker seemed undeterred, "Oh really? Consider this then; before Garrus met Shepard he was just a C-Sec agent, granted he was considered for SPECTRE training but can he honestly say that back then he could fight three of the most influential merc bands to a standstill while practically on his own?"
Everyone turned to look towards Garrus who seemed to think for a few moments before reluctantly nodding his head,
"Okay I'll admit that before I met Shepard I wouldn't have even considered doing what I did on Omega." He said
Miranda couldn't believe it when she saw some of the others actually start to consider what joker had said,
"It wasn't a standstill since they would have killed him if Shepard hadn't shown up." Miranda argued,
"Yeah right. The only reason they would have succeeded was because they had to work together with each other and that they had a gunship that he had already disabled with one shot from a sniper, even then they were taking on anyone off of the streets to soak up his shots. They basically had more bodies than Garrus had bullets." Joker explained, his expression showing that he was being serious,
"And what about when he got hit by the gunship? He would have been killed then." Miranda retorted
"Yeah, but Shepard had already found him by then which allowed him to survive a rocket to the face and get back up a day or two later." Joker countered,
"He survived because he was treated by Dr Chakwas and Dr Mordin, not because he was in Shepard's presence." Miranda said as her grip around her coffee mug tightened as she saw some of the others actually nod along with what Joker was saying. Jack saw an opportunity to push Miranda's buttons and grinned before speaking,
"You might be onto something there Limpy. I may have been an all-powerful bitch before meeting Shepard but now I feel stronger and more in control. If I was to get into a fight with the old me, then it wouldn't even be a contest." When Miranda started to glare at her she simply smiled sweetly at her. Nobody at all thought she was being sincere towards Miranda.
Kasumi smiled like a Cheshire cat when she realised what Jack was doing,
"Now that you mention it, since meeting with Shep my skills at hacking under pressure has improved as well as my ability to fight." She said in a clearly amused tone of voice,
"Before Tali met Shepard she was just a girl on her pilgrimage, now two years later she's leading marines of missions." Garrus said with a smile catching on to what was happening,
"Missions where she lost most of the people under her command." Miranda countered, clearly beginning to get frustrated,
"Because the guys wouldn't follow her orders or an army of geth pinned them down." Garrus retorted,
"And let's not forget that Liara used to be a naive archaeologist and now she's one of the most powerful information brokers there is." Tali chipped in, her voice clearly indicating that she was starting to find the situation funny and she wasn't the only one either, the rest of the group was starting to find Miranda's face reddening in frustration with the situation amusing, even Samara had small smile on her lips,
"Okay this joke has gone on far enough. I'll admit that under Shepard's command we've improved but it's not because some ability to 'bring out the badass'." Miranda said angrily, which surprisingly Joker nodded along with,
"I got to agree with her." He said making everyone give him a suspicious look, "I know you guys were joking but you all raised valid examples. I know you guys are struggling to believe this but there are examples going back to before the original Normandy, like during The Skyllian Blitz, just him leading the civilians to fight of experienced raiders and slavers."
The fact that Joker actually seemed to be serious about this brought the others up short before he actually continued with his argument,
"I mean the original Normandy itself is an example. Would any of us have expected a stealth ship to be able to deal the death blow to Sovereign?" When Joker saw the scepticism present on a few of the others' faces he decided that he would need some help, "EDI you can back me up can't you?"
EDI's voice was heard almost immediately,
"Of course Jeff. Statistical evidence indicates a marked improvement amongst those that work with Commander Shepard and Captain Shepard."
"Wait a moment EDI. What do you mean by 'Captain Shepard'?" Garrus asked,
"Captain Hannah Shepard is Commander Shepard's mother. Existing data on her indicates a strong positive correlation between serving alongside or under her and a noticeable improvement in combat efficiency."
"Come on, are you saying that she's some sort of mega badass like Shepard?" Jack asked sarcastically,
"Yes. Her combat records during the First Contact War indicate that she personally killed more turians than any other human in the conflict and after peace was reached she was selected to help develop what would later become the N7 program due to her efficiency in the conflict. Also on her first stay on The Citadel she was arrested for being drunk and disorderly after getting into a fight with a krogan. Which she killed. With one punch. Before she had any bio-modifications." EDI answered extensively,
A stunned silence passed through the group, with even Legion seemed surprised by what had just been said, the only one who seemed unaffected was Joker who seemed to have a smug smile on his lips,
"Are you joking EDI?" A shocked Jacob asked, "And how wasn't she arrested for killing the krogan?"
"No. That was not a joke. Her service record is beyond exceptional and the performance of those under her command or have been trained by her is well above average. Also she wasn't arrested because the krogan threw the first punch." She replied calmly, making Joker look like the cat that got the cream,
"You all see? It's not just the Commander that's a badass that brings out the badassitude in others but his mom does as well. It's hereditary. And don't forget he was raised by her so his badassitude was amplified by her badassitude meaning that he can bring out more badassary out of others."
"Will you stop saying 'badass'?!" Miranda snapped, starting to look frazzled,
"Not happening. Even I'm affected by the Commander's presence, if I had to climb through all those ducts and tunnels to unshackle EDI before meeting Shepard then I would have been gotten myself killed." Joker said, clearly proud of his accomplishment,
"No! No way!" Mirada half-shouted, "I'll admit that under Shepard's leadership we have performed above expectation and that maybe we improved in our skills but I refuse to believe that his presence somehow improves your Vrolik Syndrome."
Joker held his hands up in a surrendering manner,
"If you refuse to hear the truth then I won't stop you. I've said my piece and I'm sure that you're all smart enough to see the truth eventually so I'm heading back to my post. What you do with the information EDI and I have given is up to you. Good night ladies and gentlemen." And with that he stood up and left the mess hall leaving the ground team in a contemplating silence.
Half a minute of silence passed before Garrus hesitantly spoke,
"As crazy as it sounds, I think he had a point. The Collectors had to blindside him before spacing him and even then all it did was annoy him." He said in a quiet voice,
"We find that data on the extranet supports EDI's claims. We have also experienced measureable improvement in performance since joining with Shephard-Commander." Legion added simply,
"No." Miranda growled out warningly,
"He did knock some sense into me." Zaeed said thoughtfully,
"And helped me to find peace." Samara added,
"I as well have experienced this." Thane agreed,
"Since working with Shepard my breadth of knowledge has increased significantly." Mordin idly commented,
"No, no, no." Miranda growled, her coffee mug beginning to crack,
"Fighting with Shepard has taught me how to truly use my battle-rage. He truly seems to be born to be a Battlemaster without equal, just as his mother seems to be." Grunt said before going strangely quiet, seemingly in thought,
Before anyone else could comment Miranda's mug shattered in her hand as it was clenched into a fist,
"If the rest of you are just going to prattle on about this asinine idea then I'm just going head to my office. Better filling out paperwork rather than listen to more of this moronic conversation." Miranda said while barely holding back her anger, before getting up and heading into her office.
This seemed to be the cue for others to start leaving as well, leaving only a few others to finish their drinks and Grunt, who seemed to still be in thought,
'Shepard is a superior Battlemaster, just as his mother is. It is a bloodline worth continuing and there are doubtless many females who would want to bear his children but only the strongest should be permitted, so as not to weaken it. Our mission is very dangerous and it would be preferable for him to try having children as soon as possible but most of the females on this ship are too weak to be worth considering. The quarian would be unable to bear his offspring so Shepard mating with her would be an exercise in futility. The thief if cunning and resourceful but she still not as strong as the mother of Battlemaster's children should be, plus she seems to harbour feelings for the dark skinned human. The Lawson female seems strong and Shepard seems to have gained her loyalty since helping her protect her sister but it is still unsure if she would side with Shepard or Cerberus. Jack is small but very powerful and dangerous, she's aggressive and kills any who crosses her if they don't submit, she has been through much hardship to be made into the ultimate weapon, has a questionable level of human sanity and since Shephard has helped her destroy where she was tortured she has shown complete loyalty to him despite denying it.' The young krogan turned his gaze towards the tattooed woman he was thinking about, 'She's perfect.'
Jack noticed the looks that Grunt was giving her and was starting to feel uncomfortable,
"What are you looking at?" She growled out at him which seemed to make him smile knowingly,
"Oh, nothing." He said innocently as he stood up and left the mess hall, 'If I'm going to get those two together I'll need to do some research on how humans pursue a mate. The things I do for Battlemaster.' He thought to himself as he began preparing to make plans.
End
Author's Notes: Okay I'll admit that the killer rabbit idea came from the geniuses at Monty Python but hopefully the idea to mix a killer rabbit with Mass Effect was an original idea.
This was just a random idea that hit me when on a 'WikiWalk' on TV Tropes and is just a (hopefully) amusing drabble.
For those of you wondering the title is supposed to be 'Killer Space Rabbit' in Welsh but I'm not sure how accurate Google Translate is.
The bonus section is just a (non-serious) idea I had as to how the people that Shepard commanded could improve so much, seemingly just by being in his/her presence. The thing about his mother being an 'exemplar' Alliance Soldier was just something I put in there for fun and admittedly led to the idea of Grunt 'innocently' wanting to protect his Battlemaster's bloodline and the only woman on the Normandy that would fit in with idea of a suitable mate, by krogan standards, would be Jack but I think that I may considered it for a different story.
I hope you've all enjoyed reading this.
"Feel free to review and constructive criticism is always welcome."