Ha ha, haven't updated this in FOREVER . . . loo loo loo . . . updating now . . .
The cops took a mewling Kurt down to the station in the back of their squad, car speeding down the street, in handcuffs, and hauled him into interrogation and sat him down on the chair, where he looked with interest from one cop to the other. The leader-cop was behind the two-way mirror, watching and recording.
"What's your name?" the black-haired cop asked. His redhead companion and he had worked out their good-cop-bad-cop routine already.
Kurt looked at him, eyes widening like a maniac before shouting, "Leetle Rumpletweezer!" in a hoarse voice, making him sound very much like a dwarf. Or an undertaker.
The redhead cop took his turn, getting up in Kurt's face and bellowing the question like a water buffalo. "What is your name!"
Kurt blinked hard, insane grin on his face, wiped the spit off his forehead, and licked the cop's nose. "That's assault!" The cop shouted.
"A salt? Yes, I do like salt, sank you very much, you taste like salt," Kurt rambled, trying to lick the cop's nose again, and pouting when the cop leaned back quickly. Wide-eyed, the redhead turned to his black-haired friend, silent question etched on his face. They conferred quickly.
"I don't like the feeling I'm getting from him," the redhead said.
"Well, he is high," the black-haired cop said. Their conversation was interrupted by Kurt crooning like the teachers on Charlie Brown mixed with a very lonely humpback whale. They didn't know it, but his image inducer was starting to die, malfunctioning magnificently. His whole hologram was slowed down, moving as if in a not-so-epic action sequence that consisted of falling off the chair and doing the worm as part of a spaz-routine on the floor, all the while crooning.
"Hey, hey, bud, back on the chair." The black-haired cop picked Kurt up by the forearms and placed him back in the chair. They continued their conversation for slightly longer before being interrupted again.
"Zis old man . . . he played two . . ." Kurt was singing in a spastic, high-pitched, wavering little boy voice. The cops looked at each other as if they wanted to run as Kurt cackled. "Hee hee hee . . . he played knick-knack on my shoe," his mouth was a perfect O, leaning forwards intently, staring at the cops.
Just then, his inducer completely died. The cops' eyes bugged out as the blue-furred high elf appeared in front of them.
"Oh my god, it's a blue monkey," the black-haired cop said softly.
"I'm not a monkey! Your mozzer is a monkey!" Kurt squealed in a wavering voice. The redhead cop looked offended.
"Don't you dare insult my mother!" he shouted back.
"I'll insult whoever I vont! Your mozzer voz a hamster and your fazzer smelled of elderberries!" Kurt crooned at the black-haired cop.
"How dare you steal from Monty Python!" the black-haired cop shouted indignation. Kurt just cackled. This prompted the lead-cop to storm into the room.
"Quit it, you high blue monkey!" the lead-cop bellowed. Kurt's eyes lit up and he leaped out the open door, right under the lead-cop's outstretched arm, his arms and tail streaming out behind him, high-pitched, screaming laughs piercing the air.
". . . crap." The redhead cop said flatly.
"Let it go. Just let it go." The lead-cop shook his head in surrender. This was the only high person he'd never been able to deal with.
Kurt galloped on four legs down the roads, heading back to the Institute, causing cars to swerve and nearly crash, which Kurt enjoyed immensely.
He arrived at the Institute, and was immediately bowled over by Logan. "MOVE, MOVE, I've got him down!" Rogue ran over to her half-brother and pressed her palms to his face, causing him to laugh more manaically.
"It's not workin'!" she shouted over his crazy laughter.
"He's got fur!" Logan yelled. Rogue pulled Kurt's eyelids up and put her finger on the bit of skin at the edge of his eyelid. He gave one last laugh that trailed off waveringly, eyes rolling back into his head.
Rogue sighed. "Good."
XXX
When Kurt woke up, he had a pounding headache, his mouth was dry, and his whole body ached like fire. He suspected that was what a hangover felt like.
"Och, dear Gott, vhat happened?" he groaned groggily. There was nobody in his room. He stumbled out of his door into the kitchen, where Ororo sat reading the paper calmly. He repeated his question.
"You got . . . high, child." Ororo said, turning from her paper to Kurt.
"Wha—how?" Kurt asked.
"We all assumed that you found some at school. Nobody really knows." Ororo said. Kurt put his head in his hands in defeat.
"Zis is all a horrible nightmare." He moaned.
"Amanda's younger sister called the police on you, and they arrested you." Ororo informed him, looking down her nose at the paper.
"Vot?.!" He shouted, outraged, jumping up. Ororo merely nodded.
"Don't worry, though, Charles was kind enough to give you your one free pass and cleared the arrest from your records. He hopes that you can understand the seriousness of the situation. Do not do drugs, ever again, Kurt. We are all very disappointed." Ororo said in a perfectly level voice. Kurt felt a lightning bolt of guilt spear him viciously. He hated when adults pulled the "disappointment" card instead of just yelling.
"Yes, ma'am." He said soberly, nodding and leaving the room. He was in trouble.
XXX
A few hours later, Kurt was cleaning up his room, and he came across a sweater strewn on his bed. He picked it up and threw it into the laundry. Moments later, he sneezed, cupping his hands around his mouth and nose. He drew in a breath, and smelled something delicious on his hands.
"Ooh," he purred, inhaling more deeply, and slithering to the floor to prowl on elbows and knees to the laundry basket, where the delicious smell was the strongest. He grabbed the sweater and held it triumphantly up, burying his face in it, purrs rolling.
"DR session in two!" Logan stormed down the hall bellowing, slamming on doors. Kurt giggled softly, some part of his brain registering he had to change.
"Rumpletweezer's back!" he purred softly.
XXX
In the Danger Room, all the X-Men were assembled. Scott stood at the head of the group.
"Okay, we're going to do some warm-ups first. Pushups! Ready, begin!" All the X-Men counted in unison, though Kurt was rocking back and forth on his heels, scratching the spot between his eyes with the tip of his tail, smiling broadly, staring crazily at the wall.
"Mountain climbers! Ready, begin!" the new round of exercises began, and Kurt shifted his position to one in which he was lying on his side, curled into a backwards circle, back arched, tail touching his nose as he stared cross-eyed at it. Oddly enough, nobody noticed, even though he was panting wetly like a dog after a drink on a summer day.
"Squat-thrusts! Ready, begin!"[1] The X-Men stood in unison, then jumped down into the push-up position, then jumping and bringing their knees up to their chests before standing and repeating the process. Kurt, however, had other ideas.
He stood and stared at the X-Men for a moment before bending his knees and thrusting his hips forward, shouting, "Squat-thrust! Squat-thrust! Squat-thrust!"
The X-Men stared at him in horror, aghast.
"He's high again!" Rogue shouted. It would have been the perfect time for the scene to erupt into chaos, like in a movie, but they all dog-piled him and forced him down, a person on each limb, including Kitty sitting on his chest and Scott holding his head down, though Kurt was attempting to lick Scott's fingers.
"I liiiike catnippy!" Kurt cried, sneezing on Kitty, who recoiled.
"Catnip?" Evan asked.
"Caaaaaatniiiip!" Kurt sang. Kitty started to look very guilty, and Rogue was too.
"Who gave him catnip?" Scott bellowed.
"I did . . . I wanted to see how he'd react." Kitty's guilt-ridden answer was permeated by Kurt's soprano screeches of "catnip!"
"Ah didn't tell anybody, 'cause I thought ah'd get Kit in trouble." Rogue admitted. Scott glared at the two from behind his visor.
"Rogue, zap him, please. Kitty, I'm not letting you anywhere near any herbs forever." Scott instructed. Kurt was put out cold via the skin around his eyes, and the X-Men dispersed to their rooms.
When Kurt woke up, he shook his head to clear it, and after a few minutes of internal debate, started to clean his very messy room, picking up a renegade sweater and throwing into the hamper. He suddenly sneezed, cupping his hands around his mouth and nose.
Hey . . . that smelled good . . .
XXX
XXX
Oh yes, I ended it this way. Thank you for everyone who read and reviewed and bore with me on the slow updates. Catnipff is finally complete! :D