Dear Paula,
Paula, Paula, Paula. What am I going to do with you? I'm sorry that I found out about your sleepwalking incident, but you didn't need to verbally assault Jeff on the phone! Now he's in a coma and can't help me in the brawls. Poor guy…
Also, you told me that since I was out-of-the-way, this boy is coming over to harass you. Come on Paula, you can be tough without me. I KNOW this. Simply smack him across the face with a sturdy frying pan or zap him with PK FIRE! Are you really going to let this go this far?
Meh, pep talk is pretty serious, so I'm just going to tell you about my week. But, before I do that: I HATE WARIO.
Sunday: Wario and I were in a fight (and Jeff couldn't help me) which I totally smoked him at. He was so mad, he vowed revenge. I had already gotten mine from the Subspace Emissary…
Monday: Wario tossed me in the bathroom and locked both of us in. He had brought some curry with him. I was doomed. I'd rather be in the toilet at that moment.
Tuesday: Spent the whole day in the Hospital Wing.
Wednesday: The week wasn't even half over! I had another brawl, against Ganondorf (I hate him too). It was supposed to be a Mega brawl, but Wario somehow made it so Ganondorf was big, and I was tiny. That was unfair. I still have the bruises.
Thursday: I'll never forgive him for this. He ate half my bat, thinking it was a pretzel. What an idiot! I swore at him, and what was left of my bat was confiscated. I wouldn't want it back anyway.
Friday: The best day of the week, ruined. It was movie night, and I was making the best popcorn ever. I went into another room to get someone to help me fill the bowl, but Wario waddled in and sucked it all in one bite. A meal for 35 people in one gut. He had only left the kernels. I didn't know that when I PK FIRED at him, causing a thousand popcorns to pop suddenly. No movie night for me.
Saturday: Today I got your letter! Wario knew this too. He was about to fart on it, but I had him trapped. I had the real letter hidden, and the one in my hand was really a message with glue on one side. Wario stupidly sat on the glue side. He "cut the cheese", but couldn't get the note off. Bowser unwillingly walked by and read the note. He shrugged and started to kick Wario in the behind, along with other following patrons. Wario cried and I laughed.
What did the note say? "Kick my Butt". So, if I can handle a jerk annoying me all week, Paula, you can too. Just think of something this freak would absolutely hate, and he'll leave you alone: Trust me.
Yours forever,
Ness
P.S. Have your forgotten about that game? Lucas keeps complaining that since it's not available in Japan, he can't get it, so I'm counting on you!