"Come out and fight me!" Loki shouted from the back of his magnificent, armoured, black horse, after he teleported just inside the gates of Buckingham Palace.
Police guards wielding machine guns immediately surrounded him, and then soldiers with rifles approached.
"My goodness, your helmets are very fine," Loki said, as the soldiers wearing 2-foot tall black fur hats drew near. "Not as fine as mine obviously, but when I rule this land you will be allowed to keep them."
"Get down off the horse NOW!" one of the cops shouted.
"Bring me the queen. I wish to defeat her on the field of battle."
"This is your last warning! Get down off the horse NOW!"
"How rude," Loki said. "I see you are pointing weapons at me."
He waved his hand, and the guns turned into rats, falling from the men's hands and scurrying around their shoes as they looked on in horror.
"Now do be a dear and tell the queen I wish to meet with her," Loki said threateningly as he leaned down from his horse.
~o~
15 minutes later a rather terrified looking civil servant trotted out across the gravel courtyard, to where Loki sat upon his horse.
"Er… Good afternoon, Sir," the man said. "I am Mister Reid, I am an assistant to the Queen. Can I ask your name please?"
"My name is Loki Odi-" He paused a moment, sat up tall in his saddle and proclaimed, "My name is Loki Laufeyson, prince of Asgard and Jotunheim, and future ruler of this realm."
"Do you have an appointment with her majesty today?"
"I am a god. I need no appointments."
"I'm sorry Mr Laufeyson, sir, but the queen does not meet anyone without an appointment."
"Absolutely ridiculous," Loki said. "Bring her out at once. I wish to challenge her to a duel."
"I'm sorry sir, but the queen does not accept offers of duels"
"What kind of ruler does not fight?" Loki asked, in disbelief.
"Her role is purely a ceremonial one."
"Well then, bring her here immediately. I wish to negotiate her surrender."
"I'm afraid we do not negotiate with terrorists, sir."
"You think me a terrorist?" Loki scoffed. "I arrive to challenge her to a duel, in an honourable, and I might add, legal fashion, and I am treated like this? This country needs to be taught some manners."
"I'm sorry, sir," he said, "But we can't agree to duel today. Perhaps you could try another country."
"Tell me," Loki said, leaning down. "Do you know of another country that has a king who I might defeat?"
"I suggest you try looking at Wikipedia, sir."
"Thank you very much. I bid you good day, sir," Loki said, and then he promptly vanished.
He reappeared 30 minutes to later, to turn Mr Reid into a bunny, when he couldn't find Wikipedia on a map.
~o~
Loki opened his newly liberated laptop, which had 'Property of Clint Barton. Open at your peril' scrawled across the lid in sharpie pen, hacked the password of the hotel wireless and looked up a list of monarchies, while his mother paced the floor behind him.
"There aren't many, once we've discounted the countries with terrible national anthems," Loki said, after an hour of fruitless searching.
"Tell me them."
"Brunei?"
"Too hot."
"Swaziland?"
"It rains too much during the summer."
"Qatar?"
"You would boil alive. All of these places are far too hot for your delicate constitution, my little lamb."
"What is this one?" Loki asked. "Where is Vatican city?"
"Oh, far too small for your plans, darling. No, we shall have to press on. England it is."
Loki exercised his powers of mind control well. He got the queen to announce live on TV that she was abdicating in favour of the wonderful Loki Laufeyson, who would obviously make a far better ruler than her, as his helmet was superior to her crown.
The army could do nothing, since Loki was technically their boss, and when Parliament kicked up a fuss, saying it was unconstitutional, and the queen could not name a successor, but instead the throne must pass to the next in line, Loki had simply entered their minds and forced them to pass a new law.
After the old queen had moved out, Loki teleported himself, and his mother, to Buckingham Palace, and they settled into their new home, looking forward to the next day when Loki truly would become ruler of the UK.
~o~
It was to be a grand occasion. Loki was to address the House of Commons. He hadn't bothered using any mind control powers, he just told them he wanted to, and threatened to banish anyone who stood in his way, and his unusual request had been allowed.
Loki stood before them, their new king, and all the MPs had gathered to hear his first address.
"I hereby dissolve parliament," Loki said.
"What?" The Prime Minster exclaimed.
"Are you deaf?" Loki asked. "You're all fired. Go home."
"You can't do that! You haven't even been crowned yet."
"I'm the king. I can do what I want," Loki said, then raised his hand and turned the Prime Minister into a slimy toad. He tilted his head, admiring his handiwork, and said, "That form really suits you."
"Does anyone else care to defy me?" Loki asked, and when there was no response except screaming he moved to the head of the chamber and sat in the exceedingly grand oak and green leather throne. It was a comfortable spot to watch the panic that surrounded him as the MPs attempted to flee.
"You, you in the wig," Loki said, waving at the speaker of the house. "Call everyone on the Privy Council. Tell them they're fired too. Oh and then call Scotland. Tell them devolution is off."
"Y-y-yes, your majesty, " the speaker stuttered, scared he too would be turned into a toad if he didn't comply.
"Then get me the governor of the bank of England. I want all the money reprinted with my image on it. And the stamps too."
"Where is the former queen?" Mr Reid nervously asked, at his first official meeting with Loki, after he had been turned back into his human form, to help with the mounds of paperwork.
"Banished."
"And the rest of the royal family?"
"Banished."
"Have you banished anyone else?"
"The former prime minister, and his annoying lackeys."
"Where have they been banished to?"
"The queen and her family are in Asgard. I assumed the climate would be agreeable to them. I do not wish my predecessor to suffer."
"And the Prime minister and the cabinet, your majesty?"
"They are in Nifleheim. I'm sure Hel will find them most entertaining playthings."
"I see… Are you planning on banishing anyone else?"
"Anyone who annoys me," Loki said, "And people who are cruel to horses."
"Very well, your majesty."
"I read that I now own all of the Mute Swans in this country now? Is that true?"
"Yes, your majesty."
"Excellent," Loki said. "Bring me one. It will make a fine bird for tonight's feast in my mothers honour."
"You can't eat a swan, sir!" Reid exclaimed. "That simply would not do!"
"Well, what about the Ravens at the tower of London?"
"You can't eat those either," Reid said. "Legend states that if the Ravens leave, and I suppose eating them would constitute leaving, then the monarchy will fall."
"It's a little bit late for that, don't you think?" Loki asked.
"Um… perhaps we should move onto more important business… We need to discuss the line of succession."
"Oh, you don't need to worry about that," Loki said, with a smile. "I will still be alive when your great-great grandchildren are cold in the ground and long forgotten about."
Reid paused for a moment, imagining his cold, dead great-great grandchildren, and then he said, "Yes… but nevertheless we still need to name an heir if you have any children."
"I do, I have a son," Loki said. "Sleipnir is in Asgard. Should I bring him here?"
"It might be nice for the people to meet their prince."
"Excellent," Loki said. "Tell the grooms to prepare the finest stable in the palace to accommodate him. I will steal him from father tomorrow, when they come back from their morning hack."
Reid sat, not quite believing what he heard. It sounded a lot like the first in line to the throne, and possible future king of the United Kingdom, might be a horse, which could possibly make Trooping The Colour a bit more difficult. "Is there any more business you would like to discuss, sir?"
"Yes," Loki said. "We need a new national anthem. You cannot sing God Save The King. I am a god. It sounds a little strange. Why should I save myself?"
"I'll find a song writer straight away, sir."
"Bring me those twin boys with the pointy blond hair that I liked on the television yesterday."
"Jedward, sir?"
"Yes, those ones," Loki said. "I wish them to write me a new anthem."
"As you wish, your highness," Reid said, wishing he were still a rabbit.
~o~
"How can I make the people love me, mother? Have you seen the headline on this newspaper?" Loki said holding up a copy of The Sun, which said "Off with his head!" in big black letters next to a poorly rendered photoshop of Loki being decapitated.
"We must find out what the people love," Frigga said. "If you can make the masses love you, everyone else will follow suit."
The next day Loki removed all taxes from cigarettes, alcohol and petrol, banned speed cameras and wheel clamping, added 6 extra bank holidays to the calendar, and announced that anyone who was evicted from the Big Brother house before the final would be banished.
Two days later he held up a copy of The Sun Newspaper with the headline "Welcome, King Loki!" emblazoned across its cover and said, "This is much better."
"Yes, dear. It's heart-warming to see how the people love you so," Frigga said, "but now is the time you must appear before your glorious nation and give them a rousing a speech, a call to arms, if you will. You must hold your coronation quickly, and make it the greatest spectacle the world has ever seen. The people must get to know you, and know you will not let them down like their leaders in the past have."
"That is an excellent idea mother," Loki said. "I shall get Mr Reid to organise it at once."
~o~
A national holiday was decreed, one summer Friday afternoon, and after his coronation King Loki would address his people from the balcony of Buckingham palace. The whole event would be televised, and big screens would be placed in public parks across the land, so the whole nation could share this joyous occasion together.
8000 people crammed into Westminster Abbey to witness the state occasion. Representatives from over 100 nations and territories were invited, and all declined, until they privately received cryptic emails from an untraceable source that implied upsetting King Loki would result in them taking a little trip to another realm that they probably wouldn't like.
After the 3 hour long ceremony, it was time for the procession, and Loki marvelled as he rode in a carriage, accompanied by his mother, at the vast crowds who lined the route to wave at him.
~o~
"Are you ready, my darling?" Frigga asked, as she straightened Loki's hair, and tucked it behind his ears, as he waited for the signal to give his speech.
"I am fine mother, thank you."
"You will make a great and wise king, Loki," she said, resting her hands against his cheeks. "Now go and show them that."
"We are ready for you, your majesty," Mr Reid said.
Loki nodded to him, and the doors were opened. Loki stepped out onto the balcony to deafening cheers. He stood for a moment, waving regally, then his mother joined him on the balcony as jet fighters flew in a diamond formation overhead, with green smoke trailing in their wake.
He motioned for quiet and then stepped to the microphone to speak.
"People of Britain. I do not use the term GREAT Britain as your country is no longer the great power it once was. I have investigated your history and discovered that you were once a proud, blood thirsty nation, who conquered all who stood in her path, but you have been let down by a succession of weak and feeble rulers. Well, I say NO MORE!"
The crowd cheered, and waved their little plastic flags in celebration. Loki waited for them to calm before speaking again.
"There will be no more kowtowing to the United States, and their rogue elements, or so called super heroes. We shall not blindly follow their lead, we will strike out on a new path towards our future together, and if anyone dares to try and stop us then Britain will rise up and strike them down!"
There were more cheers, and a few cries of "We love you Loki!" from the crowd.
"I promise you this, if you accept I, Loki Laufeyson, as your ruler, I will ensure that public transport will run on time, that it never rains on weekends, and that when you buy food from a fast food chain it always looks like the picture in the window! I will restore this country to its rightful place as leader of the world. I shall make Britain great again! Now let the festivities begin!"
The crowd cheered as fireworks cracked into the sky, and Jedward bounced onto a stage to sing the new national anthem 'Loki Rules! (UK! OK!)'
The post coronation celebrations lasted for three full days, and Loki had banished the chief of police, who had attempted to have people arrested for dancing naked in the Victoria fountain, but all too soon it was over, and while Loki was well and truly accepted as the ruler of Britain, he now had to earn the love he had been given.
"What important business do you have for me today, Reid?"
"Well, most pressingly we have a received a communiqué from the United States disputing your position as ruler."
"Burn it," Loki said, waving his hand.
"It came as an email, via official channels, sir."
"Then burn the blessed laptop it was received on, for all I care," Loki snapped. "In fact, block them. I no longer wish to deal with their negativity."
Reid stared at him, opened mouthed for a moment, and then continued, "Are there any other matters you would like me to address, your majesty?"
"Yes, I want to you get rid of those silly bicycles that are all round London. They make the place look messy."
"The Mayor won't be happy, sir."
"Do you think he would be happier on Nifleheim?" Loki asked, and Reid shook his head. "Tell him he's lucky to still have a job. I only let him stay because I was in need of a court jester, and it's about time he learnt his place. Get rid of the bicycles, and those blessed big C's that are painted on the roads. I want those gone too."
"I'll get on it straight away, sir." Reid replied.
"Have you seen this, Loki?" Frigga asked, pointing at a newspaper report of a dead soldier being repatriated from some far off conflict. "Did you know we are at war?"
"War?" Loki asked. "No one has informed me that we are involved in a war."
"To be all powerful, a good king requires the support of his army," Frigga said, and Loki nodded. "They may swear loyalty to you, but in order to gain their full support, perhaps you should show your loyalty to them."
"That is a very good idea."
"When you prove your worth as a king they will stand by you and defend you to the end."
"Yes," Loki said, standing up from his throne. "I must speak to Reid at once."
~o~
"Why did no one inform me that we are at war?" Loki asked.
"Not as such a war, sir, as maintaining a peace," Reid replied.
"It sounds like a war if my warriors are being sent home dead and injured," Loki said. "I will not stand for this. I must go there at once."
"It's not safe, your majesty."
"You think there is one in this realm who could hurt me?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow.
"No your majesty, no!" he said quickly, "But a fire fight is not the place for a sovereign."
"Oh! We fight with fire? How excellent! I shall prepare to join my army at once."
"No sir, the army fights with guns, but really, you shouldn't worry yourself with this, let the generals sort it out."
"What kind of King does not lead his own army into battle?" Loki asked, and Reid shoulders slumped.
~o~
Loki spent a month living on a dusty army base in the middle of a desert, leaving his mother to rule over the UK in his stead. He went out on patrols, and defused roadside devices with a wave of his hand. He deflected missiles so they exploded harmlessly in the sky, and he cast spells that enchanted the base, ensuring that nothing bad could ever happen to the people within it's walls. If anyone did manage to hurt one of his men, Loki would strike back at them, and them wipe them out, and soon the enemy began to fear them.
In return for the care he showed for his warriors, the soldiers treated him with respect and awe, and every one of them swore their allegiance to their new king.