Quatre looked down at Duo as he frowned in his sleep. He had decided, he was going to be honest. He was going to tell Duo what was happening, what he was feeling, right now.
"I'm sorry Duo," he whispered. "So sorry…"
He reached down and gently shook Duo's shoulder.
*
Duo stared blankly up at him for a moment.
"Quatre! Quatre it's three in the morning…but you're back!" he said, grinning. "You have no idea how worried I've been…we all have."
"You shouldn't have been," Quatre told him earnestly. "I don't deserve that…" He ignored Duo's puzzled expression.
"Quatre," Duo started, "there's something I have to…"
"I need to tell you something," Quatre said, quickly. "It's terrible, and I'm really sorry but it's…it's gotta be best if I tell you the truth."
"What?" Duo looked worried now.
oh god
how can I
at least I'm being honest now
do it
tell him you coward
"I… I… Oh god, Duo, I can't, I, we… I…"
SAY IT BAKA
Quatre closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"I'm in love with Trowa."
The sudden silence was deafening. Quatre finally dared to open his eyes and felt tears on his cheeks as he looked at Duo, staring up at him, disbelieving.
"What?"
Quatre opened his mouth but found that he couldn't say a word.
"You were unhappy," Duo stated hoarsely. "You were unhappy being with me and you said nothing. How long?"
"What?"
"How long. How long have you been in love with him?"
"I…I can't…remember…"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I…I couldn't Duo, I wanted to be honest but I didn't want to hurt you…"
"Does he love you?"
"What?"
I don't know
does he
I think so
"I think so."
"You were unhappy," Duo repeated, shaking his braided head. "I'm so sorry, Quatre."
"YOU'RE sorry?" Quatre echoed incredulously. "How…"
"I hope he can make you happy."
To Quatre's amazement, Duo was smiling at him.
"Duo, Duo you made me happy, you did, you do but… We're, we're, we're…"
"…just not right. You feel it too… Of course you do…"
"You're not angry? You don't hate me…"
"How can I? I'm sad, I hate when things are over, but… It's better this way, isn't it?"
"Duo…"
Quatre felt a weight lifting off his shoulders. Everything was fine. He had been honest, nobody had been hurt…
"But I am sorry, Duo…"
"I know. But don't be. You can't help what you feel, I know… But don't you ever, ever EVER go off and scare the HELL out of me like that again! I was SO worried…"
"Sorry," Quatre said, smiling weakly.
"And don't apologise either…"
Quatre laughed for the first time what seemed like ever.
"There! Old Quatre is back!" Duo said happily.
he's so…fine about it
I'm so glad
"I was so scared of hurting you…"
"I… Quatre, I knew it wasn't working. We were just…not right any more. It's, like, a huge relief, actually. I was going to talk to you about it, if you ever came back… I still care about you though, you know that don't you? You mean so much to me…"
"Of course I do. We'll…we'll always be friends, won't we Duo…"
"We're a team, man! 'Course we'll always be friends, we'll be best mates for ever and ever and EVER… Quatre, I hope you get real happy."
"I hope you do, Duo."
Duo stood up and hugged Quatre tightly.
"We had good times Quatre."
"We had the best times ever! Well, some of them… We still will, we should…"
"…we're still a team!"
"Yeah!"
"Ha ha! Quatre - I'm glad you were honest with me… And DON'T beat yourself up over it, promise me… 'Cause that's what you were doing, isn't it? You're way too nice for your own good, Winner. Trowa…heh, he's a lucky guy."
"And whoever you end up with… He's luckier," Quatre faltered.
Duo pulled Quatre closer to him. Quatre felt tears pouring down his cheeks, and, looking up, saw that Duo was smiling through tears also. Neither could think of a thing to say, so they just stood there.
*
"Quatre?"
"Mmm?"
"We should go to sleep."
"Why?"
"It's four AM."
"Oh. OK then. Night Duo."
"G'night. I love ya man."
"Me too. Goodnight."
* * *
Heero stared out of the window at the early morning, grey and pale, beautiful in it's empty silence.
beautiful
It would have been even more beautiful if Duo had only been there to share it with him…
"Hn," he told himself sternly and got up off the windowsill. With the vague idea of getting a drink, he left his room.
Since when, he wondered, had he thought it's beautiful when he looked at the sky? Beautiful views and sunsets, that stuff was Quatre's scene…
"Hn." Heero felt a stab of jealousy at the very thought of Quatre. He pushed him from his mind. Hadn't Duo said, only last night, that it wasn't working anymore? Perhaps they'd break up…
HOW COULD I
Duo was right, all those times, he used to say I was heartless
he was bloody well right
I am heartless
how could I even THINK that
Passing the door to Duo's room, Heero forced himself not to think of his braided friend. He thought of the sky, the bleak morning outside. It WAS beautiful, it really was, so calm, so quiet… It made him wonder what the earth was like before people came along and destroyed it to the best of their abilities
but it's just the sky
It had been there every morning. It would be there tomorrow…
what if I died today
and nothing was there tomorrow?
What if Duo wasn't there tomorrow….
NO
Heero wouldn't let himself even think that.
But CARPE DIEM, he had heard somewhere, once. Seize the day. Seize the day. Carpe, carpe diem
carpe diem
there might not be another one
seize the day
seize the moment
"Take the chance…"
Heero glanced back at Duo's door. Perhaps he ought to go in. Talk to Duo, see him,
touch him
want him
feel him near me
close
just make sure the baka was alright… After all, he had been upset yesterday… It would only be right to check he was feeling better… To help if he wasn't…
He walked over to the door and put his hand on it, about to push.
you'll want him
you want him
you do
and you will
you shouldn't go near
you should stay away
don't let desire
desire
don't let it
desire
take control
but it will
it will
you know
I know
so stay away
I can't
He pushed the door open and walked in.
*
Duo was lying on the edge of the bed, his hair loose, snoring gently, one arm hanging over the side. Quatre was sat on the floor, leaning against the bed and holding Duo's hand as he slept. Both were smiling contentedly.
Heero choked and turned and ran out of the room, hot and unfamiliar tears spilling over his cheeks and stinging his eyes.
* * *
Trowa hummed along with the simple tune he was playing on the piano. He loved this time of the morning, the time before anyone else was around, the peace and quiet that was so rare in this house.
He thought of Quatre and didn't notice that he'd stopped playing.
I wonder if he and Duo'll break up
I love him so much
but I can't wish they'd end it
that's just
not right
but
he loves me
Trowa smiled despite himself. Quatre loved him… He grinned to himself as he wandered slowly in the direction of the kitchen, thinking of getting himself a drink of some description. The sight that met his eyes upon entering the kitchen, however, put an end to his smiling. Heero was sitting at the table, his head on his arms, sobbing desolately.
"Heero?" Trowa couldn't believe it. Here was Heero Yuy, the man of no emotions himself, crying as if his heart had broken.
Trowa sat down quietly in the chair next to Heero and placed a comforting arm around his quivering shoulders. Heero didn't respond at all, just continued to weep. It made Trowa want to cry himself to see the stoic boy so sad.
"Heero, Heero it's alright, don't cry…"
"He'll never love me," Heero moaned, seemingly more to himself than to Trowa. Trowa wondered, in fact, if Heero had even noticed him yet. "It won't be alright… It won't be alright till he feels the same… Never alright…never love me… Nobody could love me…"
"Heero, please, don't cry! Who…oh… You mean…you mean Duo, don't you…"
"Oh god Trowa I love him so much…"
Trowa put his other arm around Heero and let him sob into his shoulder.
"Trowa, they… Quatre, Quatre and Duo, I saw them, they're… They're back together, they're all fine… It's so terrible of me, but I…I wanted… I didn't want… All I want is Duo, and I can't have him, and it, they, they have each other… He doesn't need me… I can't, I can't bear it…"
Trowa felt his own heart shatter.
Quatre didn't love him.
stupid
stupid
stupid Trowa
of course he doesn't why would he
stupid
Silent tears began to course their way down his cheeks.
"You're in love with Quatre," Heero said, his voice muffled by Trowa's green top.
"I thought…" Trowa managed to choke out. "I thought he, I thought he loved me, so stupid, so stupid…"
"It's not stupid," Heero muttered. "Not stupid at all… I was stupid believing Duo might ever want anyone like me… When I'm so…but…and he's so…so… I don't deserve him anyway…"
"Don't say that," Trowa said, pushing Heero away slightly and looking into his eyes. "Don't think you're undeserving, because if you do that…you'll never be happy."
"I think I'll never be happy anyway," Heero said. "Not without…not without him… Trowa can I kiss you?"
the hell
"What?! Heero, why…"
"Because I need it," Heero replied uncertainly, avoiding Trowa's eyes.
he needs it
what
comfort
comfort me someone
please because
I hurt
I hurt so much
"It won't…mean anything," Heero said. "It just…"
Heero's eyes pleaded with Trowa not to let him do this as he leaned forward and kissed him.
"Heero, no…"
comfort
make it better for just
a moment
no
stop
better
can it be better
maybe
it's just
comfort
It didn't mean anything, after all…
Trowa leaned toward Heero and kissed him back, more forceful, harder, desperate for something that wasn't there.
*
Neither of them wanted this, but neither of them could stop it. Neither of them noticed as the door to the kitchen was pushed open. And neither of them saw the two figures that looked at them for a moment, shocked and dismayed, the one who ran away with tears in his big eyes, or the one who leaned back against a wall and closed his eyes, surprised at what he was feeling.
* * *
Duo screamed in frustration and threw a pillow at the ceiling as the image of Heero kissing Trowa so desperately refused to leave him alone, just like it had been doing all day. He had been kissing him with so much passion, so much desire, so much want…
"DAMNIT! DAMNIT DAMNIT!" he said loudly and threw another pillow. He smirked with momentary satisfaction as he heard it smash something.
He sat up, then flung himself back down on the sofa, trying to convince himself he wasn't jealous.
not jealous
come on man
Heero's not even human
you can't want him
since when did you want him
since always
shut up
you don't care
no
that's right
I don't
DON'T CARE
"I DON'T BLOODY CARE!!"
Duo closed his eyes and found himself imagining that Heero was on top of him, showering his face in hot kisses, muttering his name and telling him he wanted him, he loved him, running his hands over his body, teasing him, turning him on without effort.
"Heero," he breathed. "Heero…oh goddamnit! GODDAMNIT!"
goddamn you Heero Yuy
get the hell out of my head
"Or I'll set Relena on you…" he said to himself and grinned at the thought of Heero running for his life from the incessantly-whining pink-wearing blonde when he had no fear of blowing himself up.
no fear of blowing you up either
Duo
you are nothing
nothing at all
to him
you know that
see
he wouldn't think twice about killing you
if he had to
he doesn't care
so
don't care right back at him
"I don't care!"
right back atcha Heero
oh great man-of-no-emotions
I don't care 'boutcha
you can do whatever the hell you like to Trowa
it doesn't hurt me
doesn't
hurt
me
but Quatre
loves Trowa
and he
he saw too
Trowa
and you
k'so
Quatre will be
will be
will
Duo quickly forgot his not-jealousy and jumped up. He bit his lip and then set off to find Quatre.
damnit I'm so selfish
I didn't even think 'bout Quatre
oh no
'cause I'm me
he thought angrily.all hail me
all THINK ABOUT me
put me first
all I think about is me
me and my stupid crush
my fantasies
my Heero
stop it
I don't even like him
I hate him
hell yes
and Quatre's more important
so go find Quatre
am doing
*
Duo found Quatre in his room, staring out of the window and perfectly still.
"Quatre?" he said quietly. "Quatre, Q-man…"
Quatre didn't say anything. He didn't even move.
"Quatre, I…"
don't know what to say
"I'm sorry I didn't come find you earlier, I didn't even think, I'm such a selfish baka, I was so wrapped up in thinking about Heero…uh, yeah, look man, you gonna be OK?"
"Heero?" Quatre said vaguely.
"Oh, yuh, it's just a kinda obsession I'm not-having."
give it up Maxwell
you
are
obsessed
you're infatuated
you
am not
are too
you're in love
shut the hell up
love
that's
hell that's stupid
"Oh," Quatre said shortly.
"Quatre…I…"
still don't know what to say
Duo wrapped his arms around Quatre's waist and rested his head on his shoulder.
"I thought Trowa…the way he was, the way he looked, his eyes, his touch I thought…I thought he wanted me," Quatre said in a small voice.
"It…it'll be OK," Duo offered weakly. "It'll be alright Quatre."
He sighed and closed his eyes as Quatre continued to stare out of the window at the darkening sky.
* * *
I have no idea what's been happening with the others today - they all seem to have locked themselves in their rooms. Oh, love screws people up, I'm certain of that… I'm lucky I'm not in love.
I went to the store again, only because I forgot to buy anything yesterday, of course. Sally was just about to go in as I left - confirmation that she does, indeed, live there… I remembered to buy the lemonade, I even got biscuits but I dropped them all right outside the door. Silly me. I suppose I'll have to go back tomorrow. I bet I'll see Sally. Not like I care if I see her, obviously, stupid onna why would I want to see her… I just bet I will. Not that it'll make any difference to me if I do. I don't call her onna anymore, not to her face anyway, due to the fact that it annoys her. Also she has a nice name. Sally. Sally Chang. Po. Po is a very small name. Maxwell says it means a teletubbie, but I don't know what that means - he probably made it up to get on my nerves. Sally Po Sally - it's a nice name. She is a nice…Sally, she always is nice, polite to me when we meet. Tomorrow, I will be polite to her too. If I see her. I bet I hope I will. But I don't mind if I don't because naturally, the woman means nothing to me.
* * *
TBC
MWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA feed me and I write…
*^_^*