Disclaimer (Read by 6th grader): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth, and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are owned by Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Comedy Central, and South Park Studios. Please support the official release.
After what seemed like 9 full months, Dovahkiin got up from Human Kite's front porch, and went over to Super Craig's house. He passed the sixth graders, but he knew that he needed to get stronger in order to get past them. He made it to Super Craig's house, and knocked on the door. The door opened, and Super Craig stepped out.
"Hello citizen, it is I, SUPER CRAIG! I can't come out to play now. My pet guinea pig, Stripe IV, has escaped into the basement. I'm not coming out until I find him." Super Craig said.
"Well, then I'll help you find your pet, Super Craig." Dovahkiin said.
"Thanks. Stripe was a gift from my ex-boyfriend. That's right, SUPER CRAIG is gay. That ex-boyfriend is also a goddamn fucking traitor!" Super Craig said as he and Dovahkiin went into the basement. As they reached the basement, they saw Stripe running to the left side of the basement, and climbing up some shelves. There was no way Dovahkiin could reach Stripe. However, he saw a box of firecrackers.
"Firecrackers, these might come in handy!" Dovahkiin said as he grabbed a few handfuls of firecrackers, lit one, and threw it at the shelves. Stripe came out of the shelves, and ran to the right side of the basement, hiding in a laundry bin.
"Quick, throw something to scare him, or he'll stay in there for hours!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then threw a firecracker at a box of tools, and it hit the ground. Stripe then ran to the vent.
"Quick, use your ass to get him out, and I'll catch him!" Super Craig said as Dovahkiin used a Dragonshout fart to get Stripe out, and Super Craig caught him.
"Thanks man, if you ever need help, just know that you can call on SUPER CRAIG!" Super Craig said. Dovahkiin then went upstairs to leave, as Super Craig's father noticed him.
"Hey kid, do you want to make some money?" Super Craig's father said.
"Yeah, sure," Dovahkiin said, "What do I have to do?"
"Well you see, I'm an art collector, and recently, I've been collecting Japanese artwork known as Yaoi of my son Craig and his boyfriend Tweek.". Super Craig's father said.
"Go on." Dovahkiin said.
"Anyways, I need you to go and find more of this artwork scattered through out town. I'll put my contact info in your phone so you can take pictures of this Yaoi, and send it to me." Super Craig's father said.
"OK." Dovahkiin said as he exited the house. As he was heading home, he noticed that his phone had an incoming phone call from The Coon.
"Sigh, what do you want Cartman?" Dovahkiin said.
"We have a problem, your character isn't fleshed out enough yet. You need to go to some places to learn some more about yourself. Go to Raisins to get Mosquito to decide your weakness, South Park Elementary to decide your gender, and the church to find your fears. Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then decided to continue on to the bus stop, where the sixth graders were. He was strong enough to beat them up now. As he walked by a red house, he noticed red LEGO bricks near the garage. It was lava. His phone then had another incoming call.
"MWAH HA HA HA HA!" The voice on the other side said.
"Wait a minute, Butters? Is that you?" Dovahkiin said.
"FOOL! It is PROFESSOR CHAOS! I've instructed my minions to place lava at various places to prevent you from getting places! Besides, what life without a little CHAOS?! HA HA HA HA! Ok, turn it off now." Professor Chaos said. Dovahkiin then continued on to the DLC bus stop. As before the sixth graders were there.
"What do you want fourthie?" The leader of the sixth graders said. Dovahkiin then punched him, and all the sixth graders got around him.
"You just made a mistake asswipe! You're on your own! You're fucked!" A sixth grader said.
"Not for long." Dovahkiin muttered as he quickly texted on his phone. In a matter of seconds, backup arrived.
"It's the HUMAN KITE!" The Human Kite said, as he came down from the air.
"And I, SUPER CRAIG!" Super Craig said, as he came from the left.
"Let's kick some sixth grader ass!" Dovahkiin said as he readied three fire blasts from his palms.
"Agreed!" Human Kite said as he charged his kite laser.
"Let's fucking do this." Super Craig said as he just stood there. Dovahkiin then fired one fire blast at a sixth grader in front of him, and two to six graders on the left and right of him. Human Kite fired a laser right at a sixth grader in front of him. Super Craig punched a sixth grader so hard, that he was knocked back into Human Kite, who punched him back. The sixth graders then started to throw snot at the three heroes, perform wet willies on them, and attempt to throw piss balloons at them. However, over time the three Coon Friends prevailed, and beat the fucking shit out of the sixth graders.
"Let's get the fuck outta here!" A sixth grader said as they ran away.
"We'll get your ass next time!" Another sixth grader said.
"Great job guys! We make a great team!" Human Kite said as he and Super Craig left. Dovahkiin then noticed yet another call from The Coon.
"DUDE! That was fucking awesome! Wait till I put on Coonstagram that you beat up the sixth graders! Oh yeah, and now the sixth graders are fucking pissed at you and want to kick your ass." The Coon said before hanging up.
"Well fuck." Dovahkiin said as he headed to the church. He noticed a picture of Tweek and Craig on a bulletin board, and took a picture of it before sending it to Super Craig's father. He eventually made it to the church, and went inside. There, he saw Father Maxi, the local priest.
"Ah, you must be the person young Eric told me about. He said you need to learn your fears. Go into the door on your left. There you will face your fears. Good luck." Father Maxi said before entering a code into the number pad. Dovahkiin noticed it was like the door to the Coon Lair. He noticed that the zero said Zod on it. He then entered the room, it was pitch black. Dovahkiin then noticed an alien moving through, and voices started floating through his head
You can't make real friends.
You're weak, you'll never believe in yourself.
You depend on your friends to bail you out.
You're wanted by the government.
You're an outsider...
"Oh hey there, don't mind me. I'm just in your imagination." A voice said.
"Me too. Hey, you even wanted an imaginary shoulder rub?" Another voice said.
"Let me turn on the lights so we can see better." The first voice said before flipping a light switch, revealing them to be priest planning on raping Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then fired a blast of fire at a priest.
"Oh you like to play rough huh? Well, that's sexy." The second priest said.
"Fuck off man!" Dovahkiin said before firing three singular fireballs at the second priest.
"Oh, well come over here, I'm about to fill you with God's love!" The first priest said before pulling an anal bead cross out of his ass and whipping himself with it. Dovahkiin then realized it might be a good time to move. The first priest then ran wildly, whipping his cross all over, and hitting the second priest by mistake. Dovahkiin then felt like he had a lot of power charged up within him. He then unleashed his ultimate attack, the Backfire Blast. He let loose a massive blast of fire from his ass and knocked the priests out. Just then, Father Maxi showed up.
"Oh my god! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TWO NOT TO MOLEST CHILDREN IN THE BACK ROOM! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!" Father Maxi said.
"That's not what the Spider Queen says!" The first priest said as he ran away.
"Gosh, I'm so sorry. Here take this macaroni picture a Jewish friend gave me and this weird picture." Father Maxi said before giving Dovahkiin a macaroni picture to summon Moses, and Creek Yaoi. Dovahkiin then sent a photo of the Yaoi to Super Craig's father. He then headed off to South Park Elementary. He made it to the school, and headed to Mr. Mackey's office.
"Ah, New Kid, come, sit down, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said. Dovahkiin then sat down.
"Now, you're here because we need to know what gender you sexually identify as, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said.
"Now, do you identify as the gender you were assigned to at birth?" Mr. Mackey said.
"Yes." Dovahkiin said.
"Okay, then you are cisgender. Now do you sexually identify as a boy, girl, or neither?" Mr. Mackey said.
"I sexually identify as a boy." Dovahkiin said.
"Wait, really? Just a minute I need to call your parents." Mr. Mackey said before picking up the phone and calling Dovahkiin's parnets.
"Yeah, hello? It's Mr. Mackey, m'kay? I wanted to tell you that your son sexually identifies as a cisgender boy. M'kay, yes, I know. Yes, I understand that this won't retcon anything from Stick of Truth. Okay, goodbye." Mr. Mackey said on the phone.
"Now, you go on out and enjoy this great day. But remember, there are people out there who don't respect your decisions, and will try to hurt you, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said. Dovahkiin then left, and noticed that the school had covered off most of the halls because of the fight that happened two days ago. As he made it outside, he noticed a broken down truck come by, it was rednecks.
"Well, well, well! Look what we've got here! A cisgender boy! We don't take kindly to your types here! Let's welcome this thing to our town!" The rednecks said. Dovahkiin then called for help from Human Kite and Super Craig. They arrived quickly. Dovahkiin fired a plasma blast, and hit one of the rednecks, setting him on fire. Human Kite fired a laser at another redneck. Super Craig flipped off another redneck, and gained blockage. The rednecks then tried to throw beer bottles at the three, and kick them. Eventualy Human Kite managed to use his ultimate power, and fired three lasers down on the rednecks, causing them to flee. Dovahkiin then noticed a flagpole and pulled it up. Just then, a person came speeding out of nowhere. It was the speedster superhero Fastpass.
"T-t-thanks for s-s-setting up m-m-my fast travel system New Kid! W-w-whenever you need help, just call on Fastpass!" Fastpass said. Dovahkiin then decided to head over to Raisins to get Mosquito.
TO BE CONTINUED...
And, we're back after 9 months! A few quick things, neither artifacts or DNA will be included, as they fit more as a gameplay thing then a story thing. Oh, and here's what my Dovahkiin went through in Stick of Truth. He sided with the Drow Elves on day 2, has forgiven Clyde, and while he does kind of hate Cartman for acting like a dick to him, he still considers him a friend. Remember to like, follow, share, and review. This is SMG4's SuperFan signing out!