A/N: Okay. Third chapter. It should get more fun after this one. That is, if I pretend I actually have a real plan... Special shout outs to Alikmionejean, Prunella7, Grey Eminence, talyag, and Pinkylovesbrown for reviewing! And about the title of this chapter, yes I realise it's the tagline for the Avengers (besides "Earth's Mightiest Heroes") but I figured it might be appropriate.
Chapter Three - Some Assembly Required
Em was actually the easiest to convince. I told her the general idea of what we were planning, no matter how weird it felt to be part of a "we," and she jumped at the chance to get back at her house.
I don't know how Dylan convinced Will, since I know he doesn't like me, but nevertheless, Will and Sam both showed up for our first meeting.
"Malfoy," Will said, sitting down at one of the desks in the abandoned classroom. He is easily the best Chaser in the entire school, any house, any year. I am the only Keeper who can block his shots. Therefore, he doesn't like me.
"Don't even, dog boy," Al said. Sam sat quietly in the desk next to Will. Almost immediately, he pulled out a notebook and started scribbling something.
Before I could ask what he was writing, Will flicked him in the arm.
"A spell that makes you feel like you're on drugs without the side effects," Sam said with no further explanation.
Em chose that moment to walk in. "And he's only doing this because he's on drugs already, right?" she asked.
"Something like that," Will said. "Hi, who're you?"
He was smiling suavely at her, which was slightly disturbing to me, as she's my cousin. She gave him a once over and smiled slightly.
"Em Zabini," she said, sitting down in the desk next to him. "Fourth year. Slytherin."
Will looked confused, but I couldn't tell if he was more confused about her year or her house.
"Is this it?" Will asked after Em had sat down.
"Yep," Dylan said. "The three of you were chosen because of your prestigious skills in certain desirable areas. However, our first order of business is in coming up with a target list."
"Well, obviously, the Slytherin table in the Great Hall," Em said instantly. "But we'd have to find the kitchens for that."
"I know where the kitchens are," Dylan said, grabbing a piece of chalk and writing down Em's suggestion on the blackboard. "So, I propose we make this our headquarters and figure out an awesome way to lock the door."
"I can do that," Sam said excitedly.
"Thanks," Dylan said. "Alright. Anyone else?"
"The common room," Al reminded him. Dylan scribbled it on the board.
"Quidditch changing rooms," Sam suggested.
In perfect unison, Will and I threw small, readily available objects at his head.
"Ow, what?" Sam asked, rubbing his head and looking affronted.
"Quidditch is sacred, you heathen," Will said, sounding mortally offended.
"I'm sorry!" Sam exclaimed. I threw another Puking Pastille at him for good measure.
"Anyways," Al said, giving all three of us weird looks. "If there's nothing beyond the common room and the table, then we should focus on the individuals."
"Right," I agreed. "Anyone have an personal problems?"
All six of us fell silent in contemplation.
Chronologically, my list would have to start with Travis Flint, who pushed me out of the boat across the lake in first year. Technically, he wasn't a Slytherin yet, and I wasn't a Gryffindor, but the sucker marks from the Giant Squid lasted in full purple form for about a year and I can still see the scars.
After that, it would have to be Garth McNair, who locked me in the dungeons for three nights before Professor Greenwood, the potions master, found me and let me out.
In third year, Maleficent Goyle got me kidnapped by the centaurs, which very nearly got me killed until I was able to explain to them I actually thought they were cool and I was in Gryffindor.
Last year, Conrad Ackerly tied me to the battlements of the Astronomy tower and left me there. Fortunately, I managed to summon my broom and get out of it.
And then two weeks ago, there was the Slytherin Beater, Jared Chase, who beat the shit out of me with his bat.
"There's this really dickish guy in my year who keeps flirting with me," Em said.
"The entire Slytherin Quidditch team," Will said.
"I thought you said Quidditch was sacred," Sam replied, looking hopelessly confused.
"The sport is," I said. "The players aren't."
"Unless it's the Harpies' swimsuit calendar," Will mumbled. Al walked calmly across the room and slapped him.
"My mother played for the Harpies," he said, glaring at Will.
"I know," Will said, clearly trying to keep all inflection out of his voice. Al wasn't buying it, because he decked him.
Will fell over backwards with a thud and was immediately beset upon by the two pygmy puffs.
"Is it just me or did the pink one get fatter?" Dylan asked quietly while Em and Sam gathered around Will and Al and tried to keep them apart.
"She got fatter," I agreed.
Dylan's eyes went wide in momentary horror. "The Tribbles are breeding."
"Pygmy puffs," I corrected.
"Whatever," he said, sounding slightly irritated.
Before I could comment on the fertility of the puffs, Will managed to haul himself off the floor and tackle Al. Dylan calmly stepped away from them and picked up the chalk. He wrote down a few names of people in Slytherin.
"Alright, Scor, who are yours?" he asked.
"Should we worry about Al and Will?" I asked, dodging around them as well.
"I figure it's better to just have them get it over with and be done with this aspect of their working together," Dylan replied with a shrug.
I processed for a moment then told him my list. Em added hers. Sam apparently didn't know anyone in Slytherin. Will and Al were otherwise occupied, so I told Dylan the names of the Slytherin Quidditch players.
When the two fighting knocked over a desk, though, it sent a loud bang through the stone room. The noise was loud enough that they stopped. They picked themselves up and dusted themselves off before looking slightly ashamed.
Unfortunately, the door burst open. Al groaned when he saw who it was.
Because it was Saturday, Rose Weasley apparently saw no reason to wear her uniform. Instead, she was wearing a short navy blue dress, lace stockings, and slightly garish high heels. Her long red hair was half pinned on one side and she was taking in the entire scene with her chocolate brown eyes.
Rose is at least as smart as I am. Try as I might, I can't change that. However, unlike me, she parties at least as much as Al, if not more, and is known throughout Hogwarts as being slightly more liberal with her body than others.
"You lot are up to no good," she said in her soft, velvety voice. She walked into the room and sat down on one of the desks with her legs crossed. "Is that a list of Slytherins? What are you all doing?"
"It's none of your business, Rosie," Al said, glaring at her. "Go away."
"Why would I go away?" she asked. "This is so much more fun."
"You don't know what we're even doing," Dylan said.
"You're doing my cousin," she replied quickly.
"Pretty much everyone has done a Weasley at one point or another," Will said.
Rose shrugged nonchalantly. "Blondie hasn't," she said.
"Who's Blondie?" I asked. Rose has always made me uncomfortable.
She raised her eyebrow at me, then stood up, crossed the room, and tousled my hair. She held my face in between two of her fingers and shook my head for me. "You're Blondie, sweetheart," she said, digging her nails into my jaw before she let go.
"Leave the boy alone, Rosie," Al said. "He just learned how to talk to people. We haven't taught him how to talk to girls yet."
I should probably be offended, but I can't find it in myself.
Rose gave Al a disapproving look and sat back down on the desk. "So what are you lot doing with a bunch of Slytherin names?"
"Nothing, piss off," Al said.
"Not until you tell me what you're doing," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"And it's never going to happen, so go away," Al said.
"Hmm," Rose said. She started inspecting her nails and looked like she had absolutely no intention of leaving anytime soon.
The main thing I know about Rose, and I mean personally not something I've heard around, is that she's not very nice to people like me. Hopeless, loner nerds, that is. By this criterion, she was also giving Will and Sam skeptical looks. In their cases, it didn't help that they're in Ravenclaw. If I'd been in Ravenclaw, it would've been worse. Of course, if I'd been in Ravenclaw, Will and I would've been on the same Quidditch team and therefore we would've been unbeatable.
"Well, Al," Rose said. "Whateverthefuckhisnameis and Blondie are both thinking about Quidditch. McGeek is thinking about charming my skirt so he can see my underwear. You just want to take your boyfriend off to a more comfortable room. Said boyfriend is trying to mentally force me to go away, and your fourth year is wondering where I got my dress."
All six of us looked awkward and slightly ashamed.
"Now, since there's no point in trying to keep secrets from me, how about you boys and fourth year let me in on what you're up to," she suggested.
"You know how the Slytherins are dicks?" Em asked finally.
Rose raised one perfect eyebrow at her. "Aren't you in Slytherin?"
Em blushed slightly. "Yes, but because I'm cunning, not because I'm a rat faced bastard."
"Fine," Rose said, looking slightly disinterested. "Slytherins are dicks. What about it?"
"We're trying to get back at them for it," Will said.
Rose blinked slowly. Then she scrutinised us more carefully. "Charms, Transfiguration, Potions," she listed, pointing at Sam, Will, and Em in turn. "So that makes the three of you," she gestured at me, Dylan, and Al, "the masterminds."
We didn't say anything, seeming to decide on solidarity instead.
"Well, you boys and fourth year are missing something quite important," she said.
"What?" Dylan asked.
Rose smiled, and if it hadn't been for the malicious gleam in her eye, she would've looked quite pretty. "A distraction."
OOooOOooOOooOO
It only took us twenty minutes to decide to let Rose in.
"No," Dylan said vehemently.
"Remember how you always tell me I'm not to blackmail people?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied.
"Rose will blackmail us," Al said.
"How about a vote?" Will suggested.
It ended up me, Sam, Al, and Em in favour of letting Rose in, even if it was just to save our own asses. Will and Dylan held out against it, but majority rule held up.
"Alright," Al said to Rose. "You can join us on a few conditions."
"What are they?" she asked, looking wholly unconcerned.
"You stop calling Will and Sam 'whateverthefuckhisnameis' and 'McGeek,' and you stop calling Em 'fourth year,'" Dylan said. "Or Scor 'Blondie.'"
I nodded in agreement.
"Sure," Rose said. "What are your actual names?"
"Will Corner," Will said, looking irritated.
"Sam Baker, hi," Sam said, offering her his hand to shake. She stared from it back to him and then didn't shake his hand.
"Em Zabini," Em said, looking grumpy.
"Scorpius Malfoy," Al said, pointing at me.
"And you really don't know how to talk to girls?" Rose asked me, looking somewhat amused. "Why's Em any different?"
"I'm his cousin," Em explained.
"Oh, that's cute," Rose said. "It's a family affair. So who are our targets?"
"Gordon Montague," Em said. "He's a right creep."
"Travis Flint, Garth McNair, Maleficent Goyle, and Conrad Ackerly," I listed. I can talk in front of girls as long as I'm not trying to directly talk to them.
"The entire Slytherin Quidditch team," Will said.
"With special emphasis on Jared Chase," I added.
"The common room, and the table in the Great Hall," Al finished.
Rose smiled. "Great start," she said. "But you're missing someone crucial."
"Who?" Dylan asked, staring at her reproachfully.
Rose smiled coldly and took his chalk before she wrote a final name on our list.
The six of us stared at her in utter shock and horror.
"That's not flirting with disaster at all," Dylan said.
"What's the fun in flirting if it's not with danger?" Rose asked.
I stared at the last name on the list. I hadn't really intended it to go that far, but now that I think about it, why not try to get the head of Slytherin house?
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