I decided to do two updates this weekend since I missed the update schedule for Thursday.

Oh I also wanted to mention that there will be ooc moments in this fic. I have a headcanon that when Lovino is in private and feels comfortable with someone, he's pretty open. Later on there will be some pretty dark Antonio ooc moments, but we all know that the characters all have dark sides. I just wanted you to be aware that the ooc moments are intentional for the plot of this fic, but they go along with sides that aren't really explored much in canon, so I'm using headcanons. Please feel free to point anything out that you disagree with.

Lovino woke the next morning to a strange sensation of slight throbbing with a tinge of pain. He opened his eyes and blinked as the bright lights caused his eyes to ache. Why the fuck am I naked? He wondered sitting up. He inhaled sharply as a pain shot up his spine. What the fuck? His head was pounding. He tried to think. He had talked to Feli…Feli had cancer. The memory caused his stomach to drop. What happened after he got off the phone? Antonio had come over and they drank. Lovino didn't realize he drank so much. He couldn't remember what had happened. He remembered nothing after Antonio pulled out the pinnacle. He pulled his boxers on nervously and stood up, another pain. He went to fix up the bed and saw that they were twisted and pulled off the mattress. What…

"Buenos dias, mi amor!" Lovino froze as Antonio came out of his bathroom in only his boxers. He walked over to Lovino and wrapped his arms around him, gently kissing him. Lovino's head was spinning. His heart was pounding. Panic was setting in as tears threatened his eyes and a lump rose in his stomach.

"What…what happened?" Lovino whispered. "Antonio…did…did…" He couldn't finish his sentence. Antonio's smiling face fell.

"You don't remember?" Lovino shook his head, blinking frantically as tears blurred his vision. "Shit…Lovi, I didn't know you were drunk. I'm…Fuck." Antonio ran a hand through his hair. "I swear to god, I didn't know you were drunk. You didn't drink that much and you weren't acting…" Lovino shook his head.

"What happened?" He repeated softly, almost pleading.

"We…we were drinking and you started trying to kiss me and I thought…I thought you were ready to open up to me. I didn't know…I…" Antonio shook his head. "I just love you so much."

"No. Fuck Antonio, what happened?" Lovino was trembling.

"We kissed and then came back in here and fucked." Lovino's knees gave out and he fell on the bed sobbing. "Don't cry, Lovi. Please. It was just sex. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, I love you, but if you don't…"

"NOT A BIG DEAL? NOT A BIG DEAL?" Lovino was trembling and started throwing anything he could get his hands on at Antonio. "I HATE YOU!" Antonio grabbed Lovino's wrists to restrain him.

"Lovino, calm down! I'm sorry that I upset you. It's just that sex is a natural act and it's normal to have feelings and attractions. Sex isn't a big deal."

"You took my virginity, you bastard. You took it and I…I…I can never get it back! I don't even remember it! That was fucking important to me!" Lovino willed himself to shut up, but the words just kept flowing like the tears down his face and he couldn't stop it if he wanted to. "I have thought for so long how it would be and I never had anyone there until I met you! And then it was you! And you just fucking…you fucking ruin everything. It was supposed to perfect. It was supposed to be exciting and electrifying and beautiful and you ruined it!"

"Lovi…we can do it over." Antonio smiled taking his face in his hands.

"Who…who says I want to have sex with you? Who says I like you?" Lovino blushed hard causing Antonio's face to soften.

"You did." Antonio kissed him and waited for it to be returned. Slowly, hesitantly, Lovino placed one hand on the Spaniard's chest and the other behind his necked and pressed his lips against his. Antonio felt the boy tremble.

Lovino couldn't believe he was doing this. He was actually doing this. It made it easier that it had already happened, regardless of if he remembered or not. He was tired of putting up the wall. He wanted to just give in and that was what he was going to do. It felt good to kiss Antonio, to finally feel his body pressed against him. Antonio pulled back and announced he was going to get a condom from Matt. Lovino followed him as far as the doorway. He heard Alfred's loud, obnoxious voice congratulating Antonio.

"Dude, we came home and all we hear is Lovino screaming your name. It was so awesome. Like Matt and I looked at each other and we were, fucking finally! So how was it?" Lovino felt sick. So even Alfred and Matt were aware of his lost virginity. Why was it every one besides him? Hot tears filled his eyes and he shut the door softly. Antonio appeared a moment later and smiled at him holding up a pack of condoms.

"Life savers. Lovi, are you okay?" Lovino shrugged.

"Everyone knows but me."

"That's why we do it again. I'll make it better. You probably won't have pain this time." He grinned at Lovino who narrowed his eyes.

"That's part of the experience, idiota." Antonio smirked.

"It might hurt." And with that Antonio tried his best to replicate the night before. It wasn't working. Lovino was too tense. It was as though he were afraid to touch him. Antonio wished Lovino could remember and hoped his fog would rise to remember the shared touches, the nervous glances. This just felt awkward.

Lovino wanted to cry of humiliation. He was so awkward. He accidently ended up elbowing Antonio in the nose. He kept apologizing. Everything was going wrong. Antonio kept telling him to relax, to trust him. His body just would not cooperate. He had tears in his eyes by the time Antonio was ready to start stretching him.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked softly, kissing away the tears.

"Everything is wrong. This isn't how I pictured it."

"It never is." Antonio kissed him gently. "But do you want me inside you making you feel good?" Lovino nodded. "Just let me do everything. I know what I'm doing." He laid back and by the end, everything was alright. He was gasping for breath and amazed by how good it felt. When Antonio collapsed next to him, he was still panting. Lovino curled into him and kissed him.

"We can't be together," Lovino said after a moment. Antonio looked down at the man lying in his arms.

"What?"

"I can't have distractions if I want to be doctor. I need to just power through."

"So…this was more a one night, er, morning thing?" Antonio asked. Lovino stared at him. Why did Antonio look at him like that? His eyes were filled with shock and hurt, but amusement as well.

"I'm not that kind of guy, Toni. Don't be ridiculous. I want you, but this can't be anything serious. I need you to know that. You aren't going to be a priority. My number one is school. I need to be a doctor. And my brother has cancer. I…I can't fully invest in a relationship." Those words were so hard to say. This was the reason he had been saving himself. The timing was so wrong. If he hadn't gotten drunk…If only Matt hadn't been out. He wasn't the type of person to do this. This was so wrong. Everything was so wrong. Antonio was running his hands down Lovino's side.

"If…If you want to keep doing this, I won't be with anyone else." Lovino looked up at the man. "I love you, Lovino Vargas. You are the most strong-willed, cute, innocent, funny, fiery, sassy, intelligent, kind hearted person I have ever met in my life and you are wise years beyond your age. I'd wait for you."

Lovino stared at Antonio. Antonio would wait for him. They had only known each for six months and the whole time consisted of Antonio flirting and Lovino lashing out at him. It didn't make sense. He didn't let himself be open around Antonio, so how could Antonio possibly know anything about him? He didn't understand how Antonio could love him without knowing him. He brushed away his thoughts. It wasn't good to think so logically. Antonio would wait for him and that was all he'd ever wanted to hear. Lovino kissed Antonio and was surprised that he hadn't been so awkward with it.

Antonio smiled at him. He ran his thumb up and down Lovino's cheek. His eyes were soft as he looked at the younger man. The look caused Lovino's heart fluttered and his stomach knotted.

"God, you're perfect," Antonio smiled before getting up. "Go take a shower, amor. I'm going to make lunch for us."

The man crawled over Lovino and pulled on a pair of jeans before walking out of the room. Lovino couldn't help be stare at his muscular frame. What the hell had he done? He'd given in and this was the beginning of the end of everything. He knew it. He could feel something wrong. But he couldn't worry about that now. He had class in two hours.

Lovino walked nervously through campus to his class. He hadn't known that having sex would feel like this after. Antonio had assured him it was normal in the beginning to feel sore and that he would feel it until he got used to it. Antonio had smirked when he said the more they did it, the easier it'd be on him. Lovino wasn't sure if he believed him or not, but he sure did want to do it more. It felt so good. He remembered the sensations and shivered slightly. He glanced around him paranoid that people were seeing him wincing slightly and limping as he walked slowly.

He got to his classroom, relieved that he would no longer be stared at. A guy next to him glanced over when he gasped and winced as he sat down a little too forcefully. He ran a hand over his face before brushing his hair aside and pulling out his laptop and textbook for notes and references. He inhaled sharply a few times as he moved and tried his best to find a position most comfortable to sit. He ignored his classmate staring at him.

"Are you okay, dude?" the guy asked softly.

"Um, uh, yes," he choke out. "Leave me the fuck alone. I'm here to learn."

The student chuckled and shook his head a little before ripping a sheet of paper out of his notebook and writing on it. Lovino opened his notes document and the lecture slides, arranging them to be on either side of the screen. Suddenly the young man slid the piece of paper to him.

"Too much sex last night? ;)" it read.

Lovino stared in embarassed horror before writing back. He knew he was deep red at this point.

"What the fuck? That's a bit too personal for someone to ask."

"So that's a yes."

"Shut the fuck up! I didn't say anything!"

"You didn't deny it, Lovino."

"How the fuck do you know my name?"

"We've had classes together the last three years dumbass."

"So? We're not friends. I'm here to learn, not make friends."

"I take it you're premed from that competitive attitude. So I wonder why you're so embarassed by something as natural as sex."

"It's none of your 's why."

"Oh come on. It's so obvious. What? Did you and your boyfriend stay up all night fucking your brains out?"

"I don't have a boyfriend…"

"Then a random stranger. Nothing wrong with the occassional hookup."

"He's not a stranger."

"So you admit it!"

"Fuck...Okay, yes. I got fucked. Now will you leave me alone? Please?"

Lovino was relieved when the piece of paper wasn't passed back to him. He listened to the lecture intently, frantically typing his notes, bolding and highlighting his powerpoints, flipping through the pages his textbook and highlighting areas in green that the professor mentioned. He had a system where he would read the assigned reading and highlight the vocabulary in blue, the things he found important in yellow, things he had a question about in orange with the question written next to it, and anything mentioned in detail by the professor in green. It had been working well. He would go back through and highlight in notes on his computer in the same fashion.

Class was dismissed. He sighed and decided he should go see his brother. He knew Feliciano shouldn't be home alone and their father probably hadn't stayed home or taken off to be there when Feli got home from school. He figured he'd keep him company and cook. He planned on coming out to his brother. That should be the first person he told. He didn't care that Matthew and Alfred had heard him having sex twice or that Antonio had been inside him. Nobody knew he was gay. They just knew that he got rather nervous around this man and they had sex. It didn't mean he was gay, dammit!

"Lovino!" a voice called as he was leaving the classroom.

Lovino stopped and turned around. He never talked to people in his class. He saw the smiling face of his classmate hurrying toward him. He rolled his eyes and started walking. He didn't care to talk to anyone, particularly nosey people like him. He couldn't even remember the guy's name. He had made a point not to. Even after having done prestation projects, he made a point to keep it only business. He wouldn't have even been friends with Matt had Matt not been so kind to him when he came into the tutoring center frazzled over the first day of courses.

"Lovino, you dropped something!" the voice called.

Lovino stopped and turned around slowly with a glare. He wasn't going to take a chance on losing something important because he didn't want to talk to this asshole. It could have been anything. He crossed his arms and huffed annoyed as the man approached.

"Well?" Lovino snapped.

"You didn't drop anything. I just wanted to talk to you. Okay, so like tell me about it. I bet it was rough and hard and oh god, you must have had so much," he smirked.

Lovino's jaw dropped and his cheeks burned. He went back to glaring. He couldn't believe this guy! He turned around and started walking again.

"Lovino!" the kid chased after him.

Lovino felt his blood pressure rising. He spun around and grabbed the guy by the front of his shirt as tears filled his eyes.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but we are not friends. I do not fucking make friends. I have my best friend and my brother and they are the only damn friends I need. My sex life is none of your business, so leave me the fuck alone, you asshole." Lovino pushed the boy back and started walking again, brushing the tears of embarassment of off his cheeks.

"Dude, did that guy leave something up your ass because it sure seems you have a stick stuck up there."

"Look, you little shit, for your information no. I am not particularly proud of what happened and I don't want to fucking talking about. I told you, I don't make friends."

"I can see why…" the guy said,giving Lovino a disgusted look as he looked him up and down.

"Because people are fucking dicks." Lovino glared and stopped as the guy's face softened in understanding.

"Look, dude, I'm sorry. I got a hard time too growing up. It's cool. We're not high school. We're in college. I'm not trying to make friends either. I just have to know! I'm horny as shit and I've been under a dry spell. So like tell me about it?"

"I don't even remember," he muttered.

"That bad, huh? Ugh, don't you just hate it when the guy is bad?"

"Well...he was good, not that I have anything to compare it to."

"Wait...no. Your first time?" The guy threw his head back and laughed. "Wooow."

"Shut the fuck up. I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you're prying it out of me. I don't like it!" Lovino hissed.

"Okay…"

Thankful to finally get rid of the annoying classmate, Lovino hopped in his car and drove home. The drive was peaceful. He could think about things. The man glanced at the clock. Feli should definitely be home by the time he got there.

He pulled up to the small shack-like house he had grown up in with the well maintained yard. There were many flowers growing in front of a rosebush that their mother had planted before she had died. He and Feliciano had kept it alive through the years. The white paint was still chipping off and appeared very dirty. He grabbed his bag and locked the door before walking up the creaking wooden steps to the screen door. He used his key to open the front door that was in the same condition as the rest of the house. He was greeted by strangely familiar sounds coming from Felicano's bedroom though he couldn't place it.

"Feliciano, I'm home!" Lovino called.

"Hold on!" Feliciano called. Lovino rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He heard the door open a few minutes later. He glanced over to see his brother pulling away from an embrace with the girl who walked out the door.

Feliciano skipped over and hugged his brother tightly, a grin on his face. His hair was out of place, but Lovino shrugged it off. He leaned against the counter and as he drank the water.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend," Lovino muttered.

"I don't," Feliciano giggled, shaking his head. "No, that was my friend Dara. She came over to talk because I wanted to tell all my friends individually about my diagnosis. That way if they cry, they're not embarassed. See when you came in we were, um, we were crying." Feliciano said a little too quickly as he looked around the kitchen.

"Well that's nice of you. How are you holding up?"

"Papa and I stayed up half the night talking and crying, but you know I think I'll be okay. I mean I am scared, but I'm strangely calm. I'm just planning on meeting with as many friends as possible in these next couple weeks before I start treatment," Feliciano said in an odd tone of voice. "But enough of that, let's talk in the living room, okay?"

"Yeah. I actually have something I want to talk to you about."

"Ooh fun!" Feli giggled and skipped out of the room.

Lovino smiled shaking his head. His brother would be okay. He loved that even in a storm Feliciano could be happy. He set his water on the counter and walked into the living room. Feliciano was already sitting on the couch waiting when Lovi entered. His eyes got wide as a grin formed on his face. Lovino gave him a confused look and sat down, inhaling sharply as he did so. He really needed to learn to be more gentle.

"YOU GOT LAID! YOU DID IT! YOU HAD SEX!" Feli exclaimed as he put his hands on his cheeks.

"Fuck, Feli. Calm down will you? It's not like I won the goddamn lottery. I just kind of, maybe, well I did lose my virginity last night," Lovino mumbled.

"Wait...hold up...you were a virgin?"

"Yes. I told you this multiple times, idiot."

"Well, yeah, but I didn't think you were serious…" Feli smirked.

"I was. Feli, I'm-"

"Is he cute? What's his name? How long have you been together? Can I meet him?"

"...gay. How did you know?" Lovino finished narrowing his eyes at his little brother as a blush spread across his cheeks.

"If you had sex with a girl you would be walking like that nor would you be in pain when you plop down," Feli smired. "Plus I've known since you were fifteen and I asked if you the rumors were true and you told me to leave you alone. Like I had asked you so many times, but you always got mad and denied and that day you didn't deny it. Answer my questions!" Feliciano was practically bouncing.

"He is sooo cute! Very handsome. He's Spaniard. Curly dark brown hair, green eyes, slightly tan skin, ripped as fuck. His name is Antonio. He's a chef. You can meet him later. We're not technically together…" Lovino glanced up at the last sentence nervously. "Don't judge me. I'm not a whore. I just can't have a relationship right now. I need to focus on school and I need to get you and Papa out of this shithole. We're exclusive though. I'm not going to fuck anyone else and he's not going to be with anyone else either. I really like him."

"I don't think that you are," Feli smiled.

"Okay. Ugh, how am I supposed to sit with Papa in Mass and not take communion?" Lovino buried his face in his hands and groaned.

"Either tell him you missed confession or do it anyway."

"Feliciano, you can't just do it anyway!"

"You're not supposed to be having gay sex, but you are. Chill out. We were raised in a church that told us how forgiving God is, not that mean stuff they say on TV. You could always go to a different service. Just say your work schedule changed. Papa can only go to the early service."

"Feli…"

"Then let him question you," Feli grinned.

"No fucking way," Lovino breathed. Feliciano laughed and snuggled into his brother.

Please review!