She Says – Howie Day
Set after New Directions' loss in 'Journey to Regionals'
"Vocal Adrenaline!"
Vocal Adrenaline.
Vocal fucking Adrenaline.
They lose, and don't even manage to scrape second (Aural Intensity?), and their hard work is irrelevant, as are their dramas and fights and tears and heartbreaks.
Heartbreaks. Finn wanted to win for all kinds of reasons, but he can't even comprehend how much Rachel wanted it, because he didn't date the lead singer of the winning team (she did though, and it haunts him all the time).
Mr Schue shepherds them from the stage, and Finn simply looks for Rachel, because regardless of his declaration of love, and regardless of their relationship limbo, and regardless of everything that's happened, she's still his best friend, and he's still her best friend, and they both need each other.
She appears in front of him, and they just stare at each other. It only lasts for a second but it feels like a lifetime for Finn because he's waiting for confirmation that she's okay, even if they've just lost.
She holds her hand out to him, and he takes it without a second thought. Her fingers entwine with his, and he squeezes them gently; he holds her hand because he wants to help.
They follow the rest of the group, but she pulls him away with her big, powerful eyes and her pouty, juicy lips and she smiles as much as she can. He smiles back.
Sweet is the sight of a room, window open, by candlelight
How would you know?
"Can we get some fresh air?" she asks in a whisper, and Finn wonders if she's lost her voice after everything they've been through.
"Sure." He squeezes her hand again, to remind himself that she's real, and she squeezes back, and they smile once more because it's natural and normal and comfortable and it's just between friends (between friends Finn, between friends). They walk in silence out of the building, and they sit beside the path, just listening to the world around them that hasn't changed. It should have changed, because the disbanding of glee club is monumental; how can anything else matter?
A breeze rushes across their skin, and Finn realises that she's only wearing her dress, and she shivers as she stares at their feet.
Cold winter on the shore, chills the dress she wore
It's on the floor, still it feels so warm today
"Let me warm you up," he says, trying not to sound awkward. He doesn't want to push her away, that's the last thing he wants, but he doesn't want her to freeze either.
"Finn?" She looks at him, silently questioning his motives, and he simply holds his arms out to her. She shuffles up to him, and he wraps her in a hug, and she breathes in his smell, and he breathes in hers. "I can't believe it," she admits, and Finn knows that they don't have to talk about it, not really. She wants to though, so he'll let her. "Everything... Everything Finn?"
"Everything." He presses his lips to her hair and kisses her. Their speech is clipped and emotional, but there is plenty of time to talk things over.
And that's why I'm wondering why you had to tell me
What's going on in your head; what's wrong?
"I love you Finn," she says simply. He doesn't react because he doesn't know what to say; what can he say? "But I don't know if I'm ready."
She doesn't need to say any more, so she doesn't. "I know," he says quietly, and he kisses the top of her head again.
Come around to another time when you don't have to run
"Any other time, any other place."
"I know."
She pushes him away and stands up, a grateful smile on her face. She has so much to say, but she's tired, and her voice has been stolen from her. He sees that, and he knows what he needs to do.
"I'll see you," she says hopefully as she turns her back on him.
"I'll see you too." She heads back to the group, and Finn heads in some other direction, because he needs to do something; he needs to get Rachel's voice back.
He finds himself outside the male restroom; disembodied singing in the hallway brought him there, even if the singing is vain and cocky and imperfect.
Finn waits beside the door, clenching his jaw, and Jesse St James steps out, an ugly smirk on his face as always. He acknowledges Finn, and stumbles backwards, a flash of fear in his eyes; Finn doesn't even blink.
"What do you want Hudson? Come to beat me up to try and steal my talent?" He recovers from his shock and he smiles like he's won the lottery (he has, to an extent). "I'm afraid amateurish vocals like yours can't be cured."
"Rachel," Finn barks, because words aren't his greatest asset, everyone knows that.
Jesse rolls his eyes. "You've come to defend her honour? How noble."
"You hurt her."
"You're smarter than I gave you credit for," Jesse says with a poisonous laugh. "If she still loves me and wants me back, she's going to have to get in line."
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn't mean you
"I want you to apologise to her," Finn says. He stops himself from calling him all kinds of names because he wants to prove that he's the bigger man; he doesn't need to rely on insults and provocation, because he has heart.
"Apologise? Rachel didn't care about us, and I simply needed to remind her that I'm the star in this show." He tries to walk away, but Finn grips onto his braces and he is stopped in mid-step.
"I want you to apologise to her," he says again.
"She knows that I'm too much of a diva to accept my mistakes; we're both alike in that department."
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
"You're wrong," Finn says firmly. "She's nothing like you. You're tainted, and she's not."
Jesse nods. "That's true, but the two of us make sense; you never stood a chance Hudson." He runs a hand over his hair. "She wanted fairytale love, and I could provide her with that, and you know that's true. You'll never be her equal."
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn't mean you
"I don't need to be her equal," Finn smiles. "I'm Finn Hudson, and she's Rachel Berry, and we fit."
Jesse rolls his eyes. "She breaks hearts, Finn. You seem like the vulnerable type; I'd stay away if I were you." He smirks and shrugs. "For your own state of mind."
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn't mean you, yeah
"Thanks for the advice," Finn says with a smile. He holds his hand out to Jesse, and with a hint of trepidation, Jesse does the same. They shake, and they pull away, and Finn punches Jesse in the jaw. "I break bones, Jesse," he says sombrely, keeping all humour from his voice. "You seem like the vulnerable type; I'd stay away if I were you." He smirks and shrugs, imitating Jesse's air of arrogance. "For your own state of mind."
Jesse hisses an insult, clutches his jaw, and retreats.
"See ya St Jackass."
I swing into flight over hills, over her hills it's twilight
Yeah I guess that's right now
Finn walks proudly along the hallways because they may have lost the competition, but he's dealt with his demon, finally.
"Finn Hudson." Finn stops in his tracks, looking for the small voice from the small girl. She appears in front of him, but she isn't smiling like before; she's frowning.
"Rachel?"
She taps her foot on the floor and crosses her arms with a huff. "I saw you."
He doesn't respond because his hand his hurting (trust Jesse to have a steel jaw) and because he doesn't know what she's talking about. He shrugs and sticks his hands in his pants so that he isn't tempted to lick his wounds.
"I saw you punch him."
And while we're here tell me why it's so funny
That you're so funny when you're mad
'Cause it's mad, so mad
Finn grins because she's pulling a ridiculous face, halfway between disappointment and elation, which results in a strange smiling grimace.
His grin becomes a snort, then his snort becomes a chuckle, and before he knows it, he's hanging his head back in a roar of laughter, and all the while, Rachel taps her foot, trying not to smile.
"Yeah," he finally manages, "I did it for you, and for me." He grins crookedly. "And I'm not going to apologise, so deal with it."
Rachel sighs, shakes her head, and she laughs breathlessly before holding her hand out again. "Come on Finn, we have to get back to school." He takes her hand as a friend (as a friend Finn, as a friend) and they slowly head outside.
And that's why I'm wondering why you had to tell me
What's going on in your head; what's wrong?
Come around to another time when you don't have to run
She squeezes his fingers. "Thank you Finn."
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
"Any time Rachel."
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn't mean you
She looks up at him as they near the bus, and near the glee club. "We'll be okay won't we?"
Yeah and I don't where I'm coming from
And I don't where I'm coming to
Finn thinks for a minute, and when he looks at her, really looks at her, he simply smiles.
And I don't what it means to me
And you don't know what it means to you
She doesn't mean you