Travelling South.
Confused memories of that night haunted Liv's dreams. She had been driven like a ghost through the secret passage by a silent Duncan and then pulled through the hills under a dark and starless sky. Everything else was lost in a blur of shock and exhaustion.
The sun was high when Duncan, already dressed in full armor, woke Liv. She realized that he had allowed her more sleep to let her recover, but she was still exhausted and it was with some effort that she sat up. She was wrapped in a wolf pelt and feeling fur against her skin alerted her to the fact that under the pelt she was wearing only her linen undergarments. Disconcerted, she tried to recall the events of the night before. Try as she might, however, she couldn't remember having fallen asleep by the campfire.
Evidently reading Liv's bewildered expression, Duncan explained, "Tonight we descended the hills down to the plains until you dropped to the ground unconscious. If only I had realized your condition, I would have stopped earlier, but a thick blanket of clouds covered the moon and stars and I could barely even see where I was going. I'm sorry."
Warmed by his concern, Liv smiled.
Duncan continued, "I carried you up to this glade and then lit a campfire. I ... allowed myself to remove your armor." This admission seemed to embarrass him and he looked at her as if expecting complaint. "It was stained in blood so I washed it in the river nearby. And then I washed you. There was more blood on you than on a sacrificial altar."
Now Liv recalled the discomfort she had felt while walking after Duncan the night before; her skin had felt increasingly tight as the blood had coagulated and dried.
"You regained consciousness while I was rubbing your arm and then you cried for a long time before falling asleep. Do you remember now?" He nodded as he spoke, an affectionate half-smile on his face, watching her in a way that didn't make her feel uncomfortable despite the situation.
Liv watched him in silence. Now she remembered: Hours before, she had opened her eyes to the heat of a campfire and Duncan gently rubbing a moist cloth over her left arm. For a while she had watched as he continued rinsing out the cloth in a bowl of pewter, squeezing it on the ground, and then running it over her blood-smeared skin. She remembered having felt a wonderful sensation of warmth, his way of looking after her so reassuring. He had just saved her life and now he was taking care of her as if she was his own daughter. Alas, the warm feeling had not lasted long as the scene of her dying father had again filled her mind.. It was then that it had hit Liv her mother must by then be dead as well. The pain made her cry softly, her body too weak to indulge in the sobs that threatened to rend her soul. Duncan must have realized that she was awake and had started stroking her forehead, his gaze tender but also shadowed by sorrow. Liv had nestled in his arms and cried until exhaustion again overcame her.
"Thank you... I... I owe you so much!"
He looked at her sternly. "You owe me nothing. You have just experienced horrific events I wasn't able to prevent, and now I'm dragging you on a long journey to a battle where you may well die. So don't thank me."
Hoisting his backpack onto a shoulder, Duncan headed for the trail. "I'm going to scout ahead. Meanwhile, you should dress yourself and eat something. I've left you a piece of black bread and some goat milk. I'll be back in about half an hour." He then disappeared behind a stand of vine-entangled trees.
Left alone in the glade, Liv suddenly thought of Ash, her mabari hound and nearly constant companion. In the shock and chaos of fleeing her home, she had completely forgotten about her dog. Ash must have stayed at the castle with Liv's parents and died trying to protect them. She swallowed past a lump in her throat as guilt twisted with grief. Ash forgive me! Liv had heard claim that some animals were telepathic, and no bond was stronger than that between a mabari and their master. She hoped that her mabari knew how much it had pained her to leave. No sooner had these guilty thoughts raced through her mind than she heard the bushes behind her rustle. The next moment, the huge dog emerged from the thicket and ran to her happily, holding a dead hare in her mouth. Liv cried, so very grateful that a beloved piece of her past still lived on. "Ash! Thank the Maker, you're alive!"
Gift! Ash didn't say it in words, but her intent was clear as she deposited the hare on Liv's bare feet and then started running around in circles, crazy with joy at being reunited with her master. Despite all that had happened, Liv couldn't help but laugh as she shared her dog's elation. "Oh good girl! We're going to have a party at dinner, thanks to you!" Catching the mabari in an embrace, she rubbed the dog's broad flat head between the ears.
Ash followed her to the small river outside of camp and Liv plunged into the clear cool water. As the day was already warm and bright, both she and her linen petticoat would dry quickly. Ash stayed on the shore and barked, flustered. Mabaris were not overly fond of bathing.
When they returned to the camp, Liv found her armor hung with care on a pole stuck in the ground at a distance from the fire that had allowed it to dry without cracking the leather. Clearly, Duncan was a man who had great experience in camping at night. After donning her armor, she sat down on the wolf-pelt and began to eat the bread hungrily. The sky was clear, the air warm and fragrant with the many spring flowers, and a multitude of bird songs in raucous concert. Liv found herself unable to be as sad as she felt she should be, and was hit by a pang of guilt. She couldn't help but look forward to traveling with Duncan in the coming days and she was thrilled by the thought of soon becoming a Grey Warden. Her dream was about to come true, although with a far more tragic beginning than she had imagined. After finishing her meal, Liv stood and rolled the wolf-pelt, tied it with a leather string to secure it on top of the backpack, and then headed for the pathway. Duncan had to be back by now.
They walked all day long without a break, down a winding path between the steep rocky hills that stood around the fortress of Highever. The people of Ferelden were accustomed to long marches on foot without getting weary. There was a saying: 'There are no distances too long if you wear comfortable boots!' Ferelden was a very peculiar region, its strong people not accustomed to comfort, and they didn't ride horses. Indeed, Fereldan horses were low and stocky animals with highly developed muscle mass – the equine version of mabaris. Those few seen in Ferelden were used to pull carts or work in the fields.
As they walked, Liv remained silent, thoughtful. She usually wasn't strained by long treks, being accustomed to exploring the woods around Highever with her father and Ash. However, those were not forced marches; they would walk at a leisurely pace and rest whenever they wanted. Now it was very different. Still exhausted from the night before, Liv feared falling behind or showing any weakness. She wanted her recruiter to be proud of her and to give him no reason to doubt his own choice.
They walked through the woods for hours without meeting a soul. When the sun began to disappear behind the hills to the west, Duncan abandoned the trail in order to find a clearing to make camp. He led them to a meadow that showed signs of a previous campfire, now long extinguished.
Liv was amazed by Duncan's easy movement throughout the forest and realized that he must know Ferelden like the back of his hands. She wondered how old he was and for how long he had been a Grey Warden. While she could usually deduce a person's age from their appearance, Duncan was so unlike anyone Liv had ever known. He appeared at once both old and young. His hair and short square beard were still entirely black save for a few silver wires on his temples. The furrows that crossed his forehead looked to be the result of too much time spent in frowning, rather than due to age. His armor, very stylish and rich with inlays, showed off a body still in its prime, mighty chest above a narrow waist. He was altogether a triumph of strength and elegance. Liv now realized that she had indulged too much in admiring him as she walked behind him or at his side throughout the day.
While collecting firewood beside Duncan, she inquired, "May I ask how long ago you joined the Grey Wardens?"
He looked at her as if only just realizing that she was there with him. "I was very young when I was recruited, a bit younger than you. More than twenty years have passed since then… quite a time..." he replied, looking more tired than usual.
So you're about forty years old? Dad was much older! Liv had believed that he and Bryce were peers, but then her father had not spent his life fighting nor traveling under the sun, and he had been burdened with fewer worries than a man who was carrying the fate of Ferelden on his shoulders.
Duncan seemed to have read her thoughts. "Was that a trick to get me reveal my age? I would have told you without the need for subterfuge," he said amused, and laughed, showing a row of even white teeth.
Liv's heart pounded as he smiled. She had never seen this side of him before as his expression was usually furrowed with thought. In response to this rare treat, she flashed her brightest smile back at him.
Duncan saw in that smile a weapon more powerful than the sword Liv carried. This girl had a special charm, a spontaneity and genuineness that shone in contrast to most noble women he had encountered. Quickly, he covered this reaction, as he had closed that door many years ago.
Duncan's reaction had not gone unnoticed by Liv, however. Though mute and seemingly unresponsive, she saw something in his stare that was enough to give her hope her desire might be reciprocated. Then he sighed, his expression growing more wistful than usual, and beckoned Liv to return to the camp. Both had collected enough wood to start a fire, and a few minutes later it was crackling vigorously, the flickering light illuminating the two of them and the trees all around.
While love marriages were common in Ferelden – unlike in Orlais – Liv had scarcely dreamed of such for herself. Never, I will never fall in love! She had often repeated this to herself, and while she found a certain satisfaction in that, considering the miserable sampling of men she had met, she still couldn't help but dream of meeting a man worthy of that name. As time went by, however, she grew more and more convinced such men simply did not exist in real life. Only her father measured up to her lofty standard. In that sense, his strong example was a curse, for he had set the bar too high and made it nearly impossible for any suitor to measure up.
"If I ever meet a man like you, I'll marry him that very day without even wearing a wedding dress!" she had said once to him.
"My dear pup, you'll stay a spinster in that case because the Maker threw away the mold after shaping me!" At the time they had laughed at this jest, but she felt it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Now Liv Cousland was in the company of such a man and while jumping into marriage was not an immediate option, she nevertheless had the impulse to act. She had often been told that she was too direct and needed to keep some things within, but Liv had no patience for coyness and subtlety. "Is there something troubling you? Aside from the impending war I mean." When he was silent, she wondered if she had been too bold. "I apologize for having been inopportune and if you don't want me to ask you any more questions about your past..."
Duncan was puzzled. "Not at all. I apologize, it's just that for a moment you reminded me of someone." He returned his gaze to the dancing flames and sighed. Sometimes memories emerged with a vengeance despite the efforts he made to relegate them to the past.
Liv was still not satisfied and felt the overwhelming desire to know him better. She had the distinct feeling he had deliberately broken the thread that tied him with his past and she wanted nothing more than to know what lay behind that wistful look. "Do I look like your mother?" She ardently hoped this was not the case.
He smiled enigmatically and said nothing more. Taking the huge hare caught by Ash that morning, he speared it with his dagger and put it on the fire. He then pulled two apples out of his bag and threw one to Liv without warning but she caught it swiftly.
"Excellent readiness! It will help you dodge the shots in battle. I was actually surprised when I didn't find a single wound on your body last night. I hadn't dared to hope that all the blood on you was someone else's. You are a true force of nature, Liv Cousland!"
At that moment Liv realized she had never heard Duncan say her name. She loved the way it sounded from his lips, syllables clear but slightly accented. She had the odd impression that she was only now hearing it for the first time in her life.
That evening she ate staring at him, his face illuminated by the dancing flames, feeling a strong desire to nestle in his arms and stroke his face, to kiss those soft Rivaini lips. She had never experienced such a longing for anyone, but now that it was happening, she could conceive of no reason to wait. For the moment, however, she refrained and got up to rekindle the fire. As she stoked the flames, she watched him through their dancing light. "What's your family name? I don't think I know it."
This question put the man in the attitude he seemed to assume when lost in thought, his head slightly reclined to one side and the most wistful expression Liv had ever seen. He stood up and threw a big trunk on the glowing embers, then stared at the fire without speaking for a while. "Names bind us to a family, a past, a place. I let it go along with all these things. I am now Duncan the Grey Warden, I have no home nor other constraints, just a mission to fulfill." He turned and looked at her as if that thought made him suffer. "You believed that becoming one of us would have been thrilling and I understand that, but our life is a very hard one, and only few are strong enough to face it. I see this strength in you, though I hate to condemn you to this fate."
Liv saw the incredible burden Duncan bore and wanted nothing more than to ease it. The time was right; she had waited long enough and would bare her soul to him. "Fate brought me to you and I don't ask for anything else." She had always imagined that if one day the love of her life finally showed up, he would just return her feelings, tell her he had been waiting all his life for her alone, that she was his dream come true. They would kiss under the moonlight and live happily ever after. Dreamily, Liv approached the man she was in love with, to whom she longed to give herself that very night. She gently stroke his cheek and closed her eyes, bringing her face close to his and waiting for their lips to touch.
"I'm quite sure this is not what your father wanted when he implored me to look after you. I cannot do this, I'm sorry." Duncan stated briskly.
Liv opened her eyes, abruptly awakened from her dream. "Why?" She asked in a choked voice, unaccustomed to being denied.
He took her hands, wrapping them in his, and looked at her tenderly, sighing again before speaking. "You're having a hard time and now you believe you're in love with me because you see me as your savior, but I'm too old for you and tomorrow you might regret having..." He paused seeing two tears streaming down the cheeks of the girl whose heart he was breaking. Trying to find the right words, he hoped to not cause further damage. "Listen, I'm flattered, really, you're so beautiful and lovely and ..."
She pulled out of his hands and hissed, "Please stop."
Duncan surrendered to the obvious, that there wasn't a painless way to shatter the young girl's dreams. "Please don't be angry with me. You may hate me now, but I'm sure one day you'll be grateful for what I'm doing."
She glared at him, disgusted that he was pretending to do this for her. "Nice speech, but the simple truth is that you don't want me. If you did, then you wouldn't give a Blight about being too old or anything else!"
Duncan stared straight into her eyes with severity: If young Cousland actually wanted to become a guardian of mankind, then she had to grow up, and fast. Being a Grey Warden was a tough job which required strict rules and discipline as he had learned over the years. However, condemning so many young souls to that hard fate had not calloused him, but instead deepened his patience and compassion. He kept his voice gentle, but stern. "Being a Grey Warden means you have to stop searching for your own happiness. It means being always ever focused on duty. I cannot love you nor anyone else, because love is selfish and incompatible with the life we lead. One day, very soon indeed, you'll understand." He turned from her then and walked away into the thicket.
Liv stood motionless as a statue. She didn't hate Duncan for rejecting her; indeed, it had made her love him all the more. Yet this was not at all as she'd envisioned, and she had not expected yet another cruel turn of fate. Falling to her knees, she hid her face in her hands. Maybe it was all a lie, a foolish hope that only comes true in fairy tales. Yet she had seen True Love, had felt its warmth from the day she was born: Her parents had shared the kind of love that lasted a lifetime and beyond. It existed. But not for me. My destiny is to sacrifice myself for the greater good, just as I have always known. I will die at Ostagar and then I'll reach mom and dad... and perhaps Fergus. Yes, the purpose in my life is to die heroically in the battle that will end the Blight. So let it be.
She opened her eyes, calmed by her renewed focus and determination. The storm of emotion having past, she felt the full weight of her exhaustion. She needed rest for what lay ahead. Wrapping herself in the wolf-pelt, she fell asleep almost immediately, Ash nestled at her feet.
For a while, Duncan wandered among the trees, whether to distance himself from Liv or unwanted memories, he could not have said. He came to a break in the forest's undergrowth beneath the canopy of an imposing beech. Leaning his back against the wide trunk, he gazed up through the gnarled branched at the starry sky. Of all the things he'd anticipated in what he knew were the last days of his life, never did he imagine, nor hope for, what had just happened.
Over the years, he had reached a degree of detachment from his own ego and desire for happiness, allowing him to fulfill his duty serenely, without regret and without suffering. Indeed, he now perceived himself as an instrument of fate, no longer a man with ambitions and desires of his own. The only desire left to him was for a death in battle. While he hoped to meet his end in the battle at Ostagar, failing that, he would head very soon venture into the Deep Roads. Better to meet a glorious end than... He sighed. Until recently, Duncan had believed that he still had a few years of life ahead, but it had become clear that this was a true Blight and not just a massive darkspawn invasion. During the Blights, the deterioration caused by the Corruption grew faster, and the nightmares more frequent and terrible. The few hours of sleep he had managed the night before had brought him a particularly vivid nightmare of the Archdemon calling forth an army of darkspawn. He had awoken in a cold sweat, his heart pounding with fear he never felt in battle. Now he had a further concern to keep him from sleeping, and maybe this wasn't a bad thing since lately he always woke up more weary and dispirited than when he had lain down. He never would have expected that a girl so young and beautiful would fall for him. Rationally, he knew that it was the recent tragedy that had driven her to him, yet part of him that he didn't wish to acknowledge suggested it could be something more. These thoughts kept him awake for several hours, but in the end, exhaustion won over and he dragged himself back to the camp.
The fire was almost out, reduced to a pile of glowing embers. He glanced at Liv wrapped in her wolf fur by the fire, her face peaceful in sleep. That vision consoled him, and he lay down and fell asleep quickly, for once, overcome by fatigue.