A/N:: SO sorry guys! I uploaded the wrong chapter! Thanks for everyone who messaged me!
Inuyasha
I cant help but stare at her.
Sometimes, when there's nothing going on, when the group is taking a break, I'll find a low branch so I can watch over her without everyone's intrusive looks.
Sometimes I do it without even realizing.
Lately, all I can do is stare.
She doesn't let me close to her, not anymore.
Before… before it was so different. She used to sit next to me, even when I felt like being alone. She'd lean her head against my shoulder, her sweet scent surrounding me like a warm blanket.
I miss that.
Its not that I cant smell her now. Its just… different. Her scent isn't as welcoming at is once was.
Maybe that's because I'm not welcome.
Don't get me wrong- Kagome is friendly to a fault, but I'd have to be a real fucking idiot not to notice the change in her. She seems so guarded. She looks at me, but she doesn't really look at me. She smiles at me, but it doesn't reach her eyes like it used to.
Nothing is like what it used to be.
Ever since that night, damn… I didn't realize it was an ultimatum I was making.
Fuck, maybe I did.
But I didn't think it was final. Just once more she'd forgive me, right?
Just once more I could push my luck and she'd come back to my side.
I'd come back after seeing Kikyo and Kagome might be there. Maybe not.
If she ran off to the well, I could give her some time to cool off before bringing her back.
Then she'd sit me and we'd continue on.
We could be good again.
Damn, I was such a fool.
I came back that night, not feeling fucking great, I never really do when I see Kikyo, but not feeling awful either. Neutral. I don't really feel much when Im with her. But I came back and she was there.
She was changed.
Fuck, I wish I could take that night back.
I knew I wanted her, knew I had love for her…
Gods, I didn't realize how in love I was with her, didn't realize how much I fucking liked her.
I didn't realize that when she would climb on my back, she would hold me close not for fear of falling, but for comfort. For the touch.
Now, if she graces me with her presence, its feather light on my shoulders.
Yeah, she trusts me.
But she doesn't want to touch me.
I didn't realize how much physical contact we had until it was gone.
Sometimes, when I was feeling low, she would take my hand in hers and give it a gentle squeeze. She wasn't afraid of my claws or the rough callouses. She wasn't disgusted. She sought me out for that touch.
I cant look at my hands without imagining hers.
Even though shes right beside me, walking only a few paces behind, she might as well be on the other side of the well. Theres a barrier here that I cant seem to penetrate; the atmosphere is so thick between us I could slice it with my sword.
Is this what its like for everyone else?
Is this what its like to be a friend?
I didn't realize until it was too late that being her friend wasn't enough.
I wish I could kick my own ass.
For a while, I looked for fights. In my frustration I wanted to fuck anyone up that I could. Kagome would meet my eyes? Throw in an extra punch for the demon who had the shard. Kagome gave me a fake smile? Just take down a dozen trees. Kagome wont be alone with me?
Well, I had to get control of myself that day. I was fucking seeing red. I was so unstoppable that I ended up with a wound through my side that you could almost fucking see through.
Kagome was frantic that day. She bandaged me up, a scowl on her face and I thought I finally found a way to break her, a way to bring her back to me. It was just going to cost me a lot of physical pain.
I was prepared for it, ready to take a few hits and have her wrap my wounds.
But it wasn't like that.
She quietly cleaned and bandaged me, and when she was finished she asked in a small, serious voice, "Please stop hurting yourself."
Not only couldn't I get her to budge, but she asked something of me.
How the hell could I refuse that?
I thought that maybe if I could get her to look at me, then maybe she'd come back…
I never expected she wouldn't.
Everyones been saying what a bad mood Im in.
The runt constantly is making jabs at me. He doesn't realize how close I am to the edge.
Usually when Im like this, its Kagome who can bring me back, calm me down.
Make me sit.
Fucking, something.
But its her who is causing me to feel this frustration.
Lately, the wolf has been hanging around more.
Lately, she doesn't seem to mind the small distance between them.
My thoughts are turning darker. My mind is racing with questions. Does she like him? Why does she let him hold her hand like that, but not me? Why does her laugh sound sweeter when hes around? Is she more comfortable with him, than with me? Does she like him? Does she like him?
Does she like me?
I feel like such a fucking fool.
I chose Kikyo. I chose the person I didn't love, Hell, I didn't even chose a person! I traded in the love of a warm woman for a frozen corpse. Shippo is right, I'm a fucking moron.
That night I turned my back on her, and she let me go.
I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to get her back to my side.
Maybe if I talked to her, she would understand. I'm just afraid to open my mouth and duck things up more. At least right now, shes near me. At least, for now, I can still catch glimpses of her smiling with Shippo, hear her laughing with Sango, joking with Miroku…
At least for now, shes here.
So I'll just stare.
I'll just watch. Watch as she moves on; Finds a guy that's better than me. I knew from the beginning that she was someone I couldn't have. I'm just constantly chasing that feeling of rejection.
I only realized her worth when her warmth was gone.
How can I let that go?