Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do own my original character Washi and anything else not mentioned in the Manga or Anime. Enjoy!
WARNING!: EXTREME SAKURA BASHING! Mentions of Yaoi and sex also. My interpretations on sexuality are included. You have been FOREWARNED!
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
K-A-1: Hopeless Fangirl
This type of Kunoichi is so blinded by her so-called "true love" that she will stop at nothing to eliminate any potential threat. Most men she goes after tend to like men themselves, so these women will rarely get their man except under the guise of being shopping buddies. Their abysmal chakra reserves and consequential amazing chakra control make them ideal for medical jutsu or genjutsu, but few will ever progress that far as they pathetic stamina wise. Most will die on or give up after their first mission.
(See Sakura Haruno, and Haruno clan in general for more information. NOTE: HARUNO MEN ARE WORSE THAN THEIR FEMALE COUNTERPARTS!)
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
Compared to the other kunoichi of her generation, Sakura Haruno was only known for her hideous big forehead, her frighteningly pink hair, and infamous temper. Later she would only become known for her role as apprentice to the Godaime Hokage and Legendary Sucker, Tsunade-hime of the Senju Clan.
Sakura's claim to fame only existed to her incredibly pathetic chakra reserves, reserves that would not improve much over the course of her life. Her small reserves allowed this kunoichi from a highly civilian clan to become a medic nin of epic proportions. Truth be told, her initial idea for an apprentice had been shot down by the majority of the council (both civilian and shinobi, a trend Tsunade would eliminate as why should civilians have a say in shinobi matters?)—Hinata Hyuuga. Hinata's Byakugan, equally precise chakra control, and higher reserves would had made her the ideal medic nin, but the Haruno clan had got to the council first. The only clans to support the Godaime's decisions were the Ino-Shika-Cho trio (the Yamanaka only because they hated the Haruno more than anyone else if the village—even the "Kyuubi brat," the Aburame, and the Hyuuga. The Sarutobi, Yuhi, and the Maito had each lost their seats in the previous few years to their declining numbers—far fewer than required to be a "clan." Anko Mitarashi and Ibiki Morino had their seats removed for they refused to be married into the Haruno, Uchiha, or Inuzuka clans. But then again no one like "the Snake Bitch" anyways. But alas I have digressed and at the same time I have not. The vilest danger to the world is not the infamously perverse Orochimaru or the deadly Akatsuki. No in fact, the greatest danger to the entire world—civilian and shinobi alike is the Haruno clan—the pink haired banshees. These banshees whether male or female are known for their psychotic second personality (or "inner mind"). Their pathetic chakra reserves are only outdone by their infamous reputation as the world's scariest fanboys and fangirls.
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
"Sakura was always the perfect little whore," a source that wished to remain anonymous cited in an interview. "She was always throwing herself at the Uchiha brat and sometimes some of the other girls hoping her precious Sasuke-kun would be turned on by acts of lesbianism like most warm blooded men, unfortunately or fortunately for said Uchiha he was more interested in the male persuasion. He would have much preferred to see a strapping naked Naruto Uzumaki playing tonsil hockey with the 'exotic' Shino Aburame. Yes I did say Naruto and Shino. It was so obvious his emo-ness was a cover for his sexuality. His rivalry with Naruto was unjustified and not a proper rivalry, but then again the rivalry between their sensei Kakashi Hatake and the infamous green beast was not a proper rivalry anyways. "Uke-chan" would always glance at Naruto's ass just like the Hyuuga heiress would spend her days listlessly observing Naruto's man bits. I can't name my sources for some of this information however or you wouldn't have any more information for the rest of your series!"
As exhibited in my interview with that anonymous source, Sakura Haruno was one of the most unstable and delirious of the Rookie 9/ Konoha 12. Her success was all by chance and her 'fanboy' Naruto Uzumaki. He was never stupid enough to actually like the pink haired banshee… he fell for her 'popularity' and everything it entailed. Naruto used it as a cover, for no matter how dangerous the Haruno were, it was a lesser evil than putting his loved one in potential danger. She used him during his teen years as a replacement to 'Uke-chan'—as the majority of the remaining members of the Rookie 9/ Konoha 12 referred to Sasuke, well that and Sasugay. Anyways Sakura was prepared to go off with her 'true love' to Orochimaru but once again Sasuke showed his true sexuality. With the legions of fangirls after him, there was nothing he wouldn't give (besides killing his brother) to spend some alone time in bed with his blonde idiot teammate.
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
"If he were truly interested in killing his brother and reviving the Uchiha clan he would have taken advantage of the situation and begun to court several women. Of course they would have been criteria in order for them to be able to be able to stall against any potential Itachi or Orochimaru attacks, but still there were so many women after him with bloodlines, clan abilities, and secret jutsu he could have used against his brother. But he chose none of that. Instead he continued to steal his 'dobe' of a teammate's dirty underwear—you get the idea… I think that the most normal person on that team was Naruto after all. At first I thought he was an annoying idiot, but after all these years: Sasuke was a creepy closet case, Sakura a rabid fangirl, and Kakashi was a pedophilic sensei after Sasuke or potentially Naruto since the blonde resembles his former sensei so much. I don't know why. I think this interview is over now Washi-kun, I need to get those disturbing images out of my mind."
So Sakura Haruno, whore of the Rookie 9/ Konoha 12 was always known as being insane and everything a kunoichi shouldn't be. While Naruto's blonde hair and orange jumpsuit would be a hindrance to anyone it wouldn't be as memorable as her atrocious pink hair. After all there are more blondes in the world than pinkettes. If the Yondaime and Godaime Hokage, Temari of Suna, and Deidara of Iwa could get away with being blonde, Konoha's number one most unpredictable ninja would have no problem either. Now can you recall any remarkable pink haired ninjas? I don't think so! So beware of the pedophile known as Kakashi if you're a teen and prepubescent boy, avoid Sasuke like the plague and death it self if you are a blonde blue eyed teen boy, and at all costs run away like no tomorrow (or commit suicide) if you resemble Sasuke Uchiha and are being chased by a crowd of pink haired banshees (i.e. Haruno clan members).
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
Now I will leave you some advice about the Haruno clan:
"They're like cockroaches, you can't kill them. Each time you try to, they multiply like crazy; hence why they have infiltrated so many Hidden Villages and destroyed them from the inside out. Kiri, Kumo, and Konoha are only of a few of their current victims. Many seem like harmless civilians but you would be highly mistaken to turn your back on one. They are the ultimate gossips and no amount of 'Flames of Youth' could save you—though if you were able to strap them into Gai's infamous green spandex jumpsuits of death… I mean youth, that fashion atrocity may cause them to end their lives. One less Haruno means you have saved on average the lives of ten blonde shinobi and kunoichi, forty-three brunette kunoichi, seventeen brown haired men, twenty six ebony haired women and nine men, and five red heads.
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
If the Haruno you eliminate is female: you have unfortunately saved the male bits of men with "silver" and white hued hair. And you have saved the womanly goodness of several blonde and redheaded women. In this case you have cause to sales of Icha Icha to stagnate as men do not need to turn to Icha Icha to erase the horrible image of a Haruno female that has been etched into their minds. In fact you may increase the sales of my legendary popular Yaoi series Ice and Honey, which is currently endorsed by the Godaime Hokage, Anko Mitarashi, and the worlds biggest anti-pervert crusader Kurenai Yuhi as well as several male legends
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
And believe me this is not product placement. Ice and Honey is a carefully crafted romance novel that includes sensual imagery and language as well as a handful of scenes including soft-core sex as a chance to satisfy the romantic side of women (and men) in their under satisfying relationships. Ice and Honey is available where books, sake, or senbon needles are sold. But first read a few of these testimonies:
"Ice and Honey is like a godsend. Its fusion of Yaoi and straight smut in a gently crafted balanced has enhanced my sex life. Reading it has got me into the mood and has led to my (male) partner to become a sex slave to me. I have him groveling for sex now and worshipping the ground I walk on. He has become a perfect gentleman and is the romantic I have always dreamed of. Thank you for your wonderful series. Please release another book soon.
-Kurenai Yuhi, Konoha Kunoichi and Head of the Anti-Pervert League-Konoha Chapter.
"Ice and Honey is nothing like that smut Jiraya writes. There are several editions ranging from full on heterosexual relationships to bisexual to homosexual. No matter what you are they are mind-blowing. They are the perfect book series to spice up a stagnating love life. Even my man can appreciate the occasional man-on-man action.
-(name not disclosed), Suna Kunoichi
"As a man, even I can appreciate the masterpiece that is Ice and Honey. While Yaoi may not be my thing, it definitely turns on my girlfriend on when she sees me reading it. It is like a god send. My sex life has never been better. She loves how I have become secure enough "to show my feminine side and to explore my sexuality through the most holy of all books." Whatever floats her boat I guess. All I know is I can handle a little man-on-man if it means I get laid every night and every morning without fail. Not to mention no nagging and amazing lunch breaks.
-(name not disclosed), Konoha Shinobi.
"As a gay man I love the series, even the hetero scenes. It is the perfect spice to my partner and I's relationship. We occasionally add a woman in to the mix much to our mutual pleasure. I have never seen so many happy women. It was bad enough they stalked us to be shopping buddies, but now our prowess in the bed has led a legion of fangirls to attempt to get in between our 'man-sandwich.' Thank you so much. I have never been so grateful for a book. Our relationship and sex life have never been better. Anko Mitarashi is so kinky you would never think she was a woman. Acting out pages 18 through 94 of Book Three with her and Kotetsu was a mind blowing experience to be remembered for eternity. Thanks again you are a God, and we are solely mere mortals basking in your prowess as an author and the greatness of your Holy Tome, Ice and Honey."
-Izumo Kamizuki, Konoha Shinobi and Co-Head of the Konoha Yaoi Appreciation Society
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
If the Haruno you eliminate happens to be male: you have fortunately saved any women from mutilation, though possibility of female rape still remains though significantly lower than the rape of a man by a Haruno. Male rape by a male Haruno still holds a significant possibility. If you fail to eliminate a male Haruno, a case of male rape by a Haruno will have caused the sales of Icha Icha to skyrocket tenfold due to the men's desire to remove the images of their rape by male Haruno members with the legendary smut of the Gallant Jiraya. Anyone who allows to Haruno clan or Icha Icha to perpetuate anymore so than necessary shall endure the wrath of Ice and Honey's author. Said author will halt sales and production and will reveal to the loyal fan base of this literary masterpiece the identities of shinobi and/ or kunoichi responsible for rape/ pregnancy caused by a Haruno and the increased sales of Jiraya's infamous smut, Icha Icha.
I hope you have enjoyed this overview of the deadly Haruno clan and the Wicked Witch of the West- Sakura Haruno. Go out and buy Ice and Honey and kill a Haruno. Anyone who doesn't isn't patriotic and is a loyal minion to the Haruno and Orochimaru!
--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--
Author's Note
This was a wicked fun chapter to write. Hope you enjoyed it. Please Review!
-Griffin!