Ok, I know its been a while, I also know Christmas is over and we are into the new year, But damnit I will finish this story! I'm sorry about such a long wait - but I've just moved and I've been very busy settling in - hope this makes up for the wait - I should be able to wrap this up in the next chapter! enjoy!
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When Emma's phone rang again she very nearly threw it through a window, she had barely chased off Hook and Jefferson after a fricken portal fight, what in gods name could possibly be happening now?
"Set it on fire," Emma said into the receiver, skipping all greetings or formalities.
"What?" David asked, confused by the abrupt nonsensical greeting.
"David! Hi - I don't care what the problem is, the solution I'm giving you is to set it on fire."
"O-kaaaay… So you don't want to have lunch then?"
"Oh… actually yeah, that sounds good."
"I'm outside the bar, come on out."
"How did you know I was here?" She asked, walking towards the door.
"Saw Grumpy, said he had to call you in - everything obviously worked out?" Emma looked back at a bar that was in tatters with chairs strewn about the place, broken glass and tables with a very irate bartender staring death at her as he started to clean up.
"More or less," she said as she mouthed a silent 'sorry' to the man before walking out the door.
"Where to?" she asked, getting in David's truck "Granny's?"
"Nah, another little place not far," he told her pulling away from the curb as she did up her seat belt. David drove down the street for all of 2 minutes before pulling over and parking in front of an antique's shop.
"Ah yes, the antiques shop restaurant, I hear they make a mean Panini?" Emma joked in her confusion. David seemed to produce a brown paper bag out of nowhere before pulling out a pastrami sandwich.
"No mustard right?" David said with a smile
"Who told you?" Emma asked, returning the smile as she accepted the food.
"A little bird… or wolf" He admitted with a shrug, "you sound like your having a rough day," he observed, taking a burger for himself from the bag.
"I'm not certain how it would have tasted after I set it on fire but thankfully we don't have to find out," he winked.
"Awwww" Snow crooned "I'm so glad you guys were bonding today; that must have been a highlight, right?"
"Oh it was - for about three minutes before it went all to hell," Emma sulked, throwing back a shot of tequila.
"Not even going to ask about the shots," Snow muttered.
Emma belched loudly, "I don't know how this is happening but I am loving it." she said, words sounding even more garbled as she put the shot glass down.
"But yeah, anyways, I didn't even finish the sandwich," Emma pouted.
"I was wondering if you were still coming for pictures later?" David was asking just as Emma noticed two women arguing a few feet away from the truck.
"Is that mother super- er, the Blue Fairy?" Emma asked, squinting as she shouted at a women who looked thoroughly ashamed with her head hung low. David followed her gaze and sighed.
"And poor Nova, yes. Here, this is more my expertise," he said, motioning for her to wait in the car.
"Uh, no its not, I'm the sheriff," Emma said, following him out of the car.
"Honey, I'm a king, I'm very used to handling these kinds of things, people listen to me," he argued as they both walked towards the two women.
"David you're not a king here," she reminded him gently. He seemed offended by this and puffed up his chest, now he had something to prove - he would show his daughter exactly how much of king he was still considered here. Emma'll be so impressed, he thought to himself.
"-and ontop of all that you're late! Late Nova!" the blue fairy squawked.
"Ladies-" he said, sounding authorative as he interrupted the blue fairy dressing down little Nova. The Blue Fairy held up her hand to silence him without taking her eyes off Nova.
"Busy," she hissed at him. David kind of blinked, stunned as Emma stifled a laugh.
"H-hey!" David tried again a little less surely.
"Shh!" the Blue Fairy snarled at him as Nova gave him a sympathetic look. Emma shook her head David looked at the two arguing women a little helplessly. Emma brought her two fingers to her lips and whistled as loud as she could, stopping the arguing as everyone was forced to look at her.
"Hi," Emma smiled somewhat insincerely, "I'm Emma, the sheriff, I'm having a bit of a day so lets just resolve this so I can finish lunch before something else tralalala's in to fuck up my day, m'k?" she chirped before dropping the smile.
"What's the problem ladies?"
"Nothing that concerns you," the Blue Fairy grumbled.
"She is your princess!" David retorted angrily.
"Whoa! Back up Charming, no one's put the tiara on me yet," Emma said holding up both hands, but he didn't seem to be paying attention to her now.
"Show some respect!" he glowered at the Blue Fairy. She turned her nose up ever so slightly at his demand before looking to Emma like he's ceased to be there. Emma could tell it was really throwing him that no one was listening to him, she felt a little bad for him.
"This is fairy business, the sheriff cannot grasp the fact that I'm full of magic and sparkles, I crap confetti and magic blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaahh blah blah!"
"What?" Snow asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well that's what I heard anyways," Emma shrugged.
"The Blue Fairy sounds as if she was being rather…" Snow paused as if looking for the right word.
"Bitchy?" Emma supplied.
"Emma!" Snow admonished.
"What? I'm not saying *hic* that she's a bitch" Emma reasoned.
"But if I had to name, like *hic* five of the bitchiest people I know? *Hic* she'd be at least three of them," she told her mother, pouring back a vial of blue liquid from what looked like a test tube into her open mouth and gargling before swallowing.
"Ha, tastes blue," she giggled.
"Emma damnit! Stop drinking the magically appearing drinks!" Snow demanded, snatching the empty test tube from her daughters hands.
"Why?" she asked, blinking her eyes slowly like she was trying to clear them enough to make Snows face out.
"Because I could light your breath on fire with a match at this point," Snow said, "also its barely four o'clock."
"Meh - it's five o'clock somewhere, anyways…"
"Blah, blah, blah, Nova lost the pages of our magical text somewhere, blah!" the Blue Fairy ranted.
"Blue you need to calm down," David sighed.
"You mean the ones that turned the library into fantasia 2000?" Emma asked Nova.
"Damnit Nova!" Blue snarled at the shrinking nun before she could answer.
"Blue-" David tried again.
"BLAHBLAHBLAH!" Blue raged.
"That's it, I've had enough of your shit tinkerbell, sword fight me!" David ordered drawing his blade.
"Well that escalated quickly," Emma muttered to herself.
"Oh my god Emma, that is not what happened," Snow sighed exasperatedly.
"I'm sorry, were you there?" Emma asked derisively.
"Charming would never say that, you're just drunkenly making crap up now," Snow accused somewhat sarcastically.
"I'm just cutting out the boring stuff and getting to the meat of the story, cause in reality there was a lot more pointless arguing and dumbassery," Emma shrugged, attempting to drink a long island ice tea that Snow promptly wrestled out of her hand.
"Give me that! Did charming really sword fight the Blue Fairy?"
"Well she got more bitchy, tempers rose, she questioned his kingly skills and then she questioned his sword fighting skills and things sort of…" Emma made a rolling gesture with her hand.
"Honestly I think he was trying to impress me a little."
"He ever tell you I enchanted his sword?" Blue asked Emma, not bothering to wait for her answer whilst David looked incredibly offended as she continued.
"If I hadn't enchanted his sword he'd have been dead forever ago," Blue claimed snootily.
"Bitch I killed a dragon before-"
"Emma stop making your father curse!"
"Fine!"
"Blue I killed a dragon before I even knew how to wield a sword, your enchanting skills have nothing to do with this!" David snapped back.
"Why don't you prove it then!" she challenged.
"You want to fight me?" David asked, drawing his sword.
"Indeed," Blue hissed back.
"T-t-there's no need f-f-f-f-for violence!" Nova stuttered.
"Ok, everybody calm down," Emma said as she tried getting between the two.
"Just watch Emma, I'm about to be completely badass," David had told her, winking.
"No David, this is a bad idea, like a really bad idea!" Emma said, voice pitch rising with panic as she watched them both square off. David did a few tricks with his blade, swinging it about to showcase the precise control he wielded over it before striking a stance that clearly invited Blue to try and match him.
"Come at me bro," David sneered.
"Oh come on! He would never say crap like that!" Snow sighed, calling Emma out once more on her bullshit.
"I'm tellin da story!" she slurred, overruling her mother loudly.
"Bitch please," Blue said rolling her eyes. With a wave of her hand conjured five enchanted swords that floated menacingly before him.
"… I may have made a mistake," David told Emma calmly as he stared wide eyed at the floating swords.
"What is it with this day and floating weapons?" Emma asked under her breath. The swords came at David who pushed Emma out of the way as he proceeded to duel with the magic blades, six swords swinging through the air to clash loudly and send cold sparks flying through the air. He dodged and dipped under the swinging blades with expert speed and skill as Nova tried to talk a little sense into the Blue fairy.
"Blue this is really unnecessary," Nova said nervously.
"He started it," Blue pouted.
Nova looked at Emma apologetically, like the Blue Fairy was being a minor yet rude inconvenience rather than enchanting five swords to try and hack her father up.
"Both of you quit it!" Emma snapped as David rolled out of the way of two swinging swords and blocked another two with a single parry, jumping to avoid the one that swung to take him out at the knees. Wow, he really was pretty badass in a fight.
"Nova, use your magic to stop this pissing match please," Emma sighed.
"I'm not allowed," Nova admitted sheepishly.
"Are you fu- ok fine, how do I stop this bullshit!?" Emma demanded agitatedly as David rolled on the pavement while five swords tried to spear him like a tooth pick.
"Stop yelling at me!" Nova cried.
"Oh my god - hey Blue!" Emma yelled strolling up to the Blue Fairy.
"What?" Blue snapped. Emma pulled her fist back and punched her in the face, dropping her like a ten pound bag of potato's. The swords dropped as soon as she did, except for the one impaled in the ground between David's legs.
"Who said violence solves nothing?" Emma huffed just as Nova fainted.
"You clocked the Blue Fairy," Snow said in utter disbelief.
"Sometimes the weird in my life has the upside of sounding awesome - yes, I punched out the Blue Fairy," Emma laughed proudly, the lids of her eyes growing heavy with liquor.
"… Normally I would not condone this but today I'm simply proud of you," Snow admitted with a shrug, smiling. She got up to go put the long island ice tea she'd taken from her daughter on the kitchen counter.
"Ok, six swords, you know I'm starting to rethink that theory I had earlier - I mean it's just to much of a coincidence, right?" Snow asked as she returned to the couch. That's when she saw Emma had passed out.
Perfect she thought sighing, how the hell was she going to move her now? She was probably going to be way too hung over to come to her Christmas party now. It was right then she heard a knock at the door. She got up to answer it as Emma snored loudly from her spot on the couch. When Snow opened the door no one was there, all she saw was a small box laying at her feet.
"Ooo, presents!" Snow said excitedly, clapping her hands together as she picked up the box.
Snow White's Five Golden Rings
She was just about to close the door when she saw Charming coming down the hall.
"Charming!" she smiled, throwing the door back open for him to come in.
"Snow," he greeted kissing her on the cheek.
"Why's Emma passed out on the couch?" he asked curiously as he spied his daughter drooling on one of the cushions. Snow went to sit in the love set opposite her.
"She's dealt with a lot today, in fact she just finished an interesting story about you," she said with a pointed look.
David smiled sheepishly, "In all fairness Blue was acting like she was off her meds."
"So I heard," Snow said shaking her head as she opened the box to see five lovely golden rings.
"Oh my god these are beautiful!" she squealed, excitedly reaching in to pick one up and examine it.
"Who's it from?" David asked, coming to stand by her chair to examine the gift.
"I don't know, there was no card," Snow responded, so excited that she started to put each gold ring around one of her fingers. David opened his mouth to say something when suddenly four of the rings sported four glowing letters shinning from them that had not been there before Snow had put them on.
"B. L. U. E." Snow said each letter before her eyes widened. The fifth one on her thumb lit up with three words.
Paybacks a bitch
"Well this can't be good," David said. Suddenly Snow stood up and her hand shot forward of it's own accord to smash into David's face.
"Gahh!" David yelped, hitting the floor as he clutched his nose.
"Oh my god! Charming I'm so sorry I didn't do that! Are you ok?" she squealed back. Seven dwarves barrelled through the door a second later.
"What's going on? We heard the king scream," Grumpy demanded.
"Bit like a girl," Doc noted.
"I think I just put on cursed-" Snow began, but as Grumpy drew near her to check on Charming her fist shot out and stroked him so hard he hit the ground almost instantly.
"Oh my god! Grumpy I'm so sorry!" Snow yelped, trying to yank the rings off her fingers. The other dwarves rushed forward to help Grumpy and David from the floor. All the noise was enough to pull Emma from her drunken stupor just in time to see her mother successively punching out the remaining six dwarves, apologizing profusely as she did so. She stared blank faced as Snow haymaker'd doc and he made a noise much like the crow who'd been nailed out of the air by one of the crossbows earlier that day, flying backwards.
"It's not funny!" Snow snapped at Emma who was now laughing so hard she was snorting. Snow stroked out Sneezy who twirled artfully in his dress before crashing to the floor.
"What in the holy hell is going on? I was passed out for, like-" she looked at the clock, squinting for a long moment
"Five minutes," she finished slowly.
"I just put five golden rings on that the Blue Fairy sent me," Snow said, sounding embarrassed.
"Cursed rings," Emma said, not sounding the least bit rattled by any of this.
"Who puts all five rings on one hand Snow?" Emma asked instead.
"Are you gonna help or not!?" Snow yelled as her fist pulled back like a heat seeker which the dwarves were doing their very best to avoid while trying to pull injured comrades to safety.
"Nope," Emma said simply, rolling over to go back to sleep.
"What happened?" Grumpy growled as he go his feet in a bit of a daze.
"Grumpy look!-" Too late, Snow fed him another knuckle sandwich and he was out for the count again.
"Grumpy!" Happy yelled as dopey unwisely went to his aid like a moron.
"Oh god my eye!" Emma heard Dopey shrieked.
"I'm sorry! Oh god Dopey I'm so sorry!" Snow pleaded, "EMMA!" she shouted alternately.
"I'm comin, I'm comin," Emma relented, opening her eyes and getting up. She wobbled a bit on her feet and grasped the arm of the couch to stay upright.
"I'm waaay too drunk for this," Emma muttered to herself while Snow had drawn back from everyone in an attempt to stop her hand from further smashing faces. Emma tried to walk but ended up stumbling and was only kept out of the reach of Snow's lethal left hook by sleepy's hand pulling her back by her arm.
"Thanks there narcolepsy," Emma slurred appreciatively.
"No *yawn* problem."
"Did you see that?" Happy asked.
"Yeah, it was kind of hard to miss my mother boxing with the seven dwarves and winning - hey is that David on the floor?"
"No, the rings! They glowed brighter when you got close!" Happy pointed out to Emma.
Emma laughed, "What a bitch," she sighed.
"What?" Snow asked confused.
"I think I know how to break the curse," Emma said, "you need to punch me."
"What? No!" Snow refused "I'd never hit you!" she vowed as Emma stumbled forward.
"Come on, I'm sooooooo unbelievable drunk I probably won't even feel it." Hell, getting a magical punch in the face was the perfect way to end the day at this point. Snow held her own hand back as it tried to take a swing at Emma, letters glowing brightly. Emma rolled her eyes, swaying on her feet.
"Oh for the love of all that is holy, just punch me!" Emma snapped impatiently.
"Honey I can't-"
"Your pixie cut makes you look like a lesbian!" Emma interrupted obnoxiously. There was a half second of incredulous anger on Snow's face that caused her restraining hand to slip. Riiiiight - slip.
SMACK
"Oh god Emma! I'm sorry!" Snow cried as the rings went cold and fell off her fingers. Emma was laying on the floor holding her eye and rolling from side to side.
"JesusIlied!" Emma wheezed on one breath in a high pitched whine, "thathurt!" Then she passed out again.
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Leave me a review and let me know what you think - if anyone's got some suggestions for awkward family photo's let me know! I might draw from you guys, hope the new year is going well for all of you!