A/N: So this is gonna be a long chapter. I don't know if I should apologize or tell you guys you're welcome. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Just know that this is a long chapter that may or may not, not be in chronological order. I kept noticing as I wrote that there were subjects that I brought up and didn't really do anything with, so I had to tie them back in somewhere later in the chapter, so that's the reason for that. Also, I don't remember if I told you guys that I already started writing this a while back and have up until chapter 5 done, but didn't like where it was going, so I'm rewriting it to where I do like it. But all chapter stories of mine start off as hard copies, so it takes me a while to rewrite them then type them up, that's why it takes so long to post actually. Thought you might want to know so you didn't think I was slacking or something. Again, irrelevant…anyway, enjoy…
BTW: Also if I didn't tell you, this is probably going to be a pretty long story because most future chapters will be similar in length to this one.
This chapter is based off Ariana Grande's Leave Me Lonely. I love her new album. I have listened to it on repeat since it came out.
Chapter 3: Leave Me Lonely
Life after Sam leaves isn't as difficult or easy as I thought it would be. Though it's definitely not the same. Actually, I take that back. Life after Sam left is hard. And there is a reason for that. Several depending on how you look at it.
(That Night)
Sam pulls away from me after our second kiss and puts a little more space between the two of us than the last kiss. Both of our tears have dried and have been replaced with smiles of excitement at Sam's accomplishment, and also excited about my new necklace.
"I love it, Sammy," I say as I pick it up and inspect it in my hands, a broad smile on my face. "I'm never gonna take it off."
"Is that a promise?" He says it playfully, but I can see the hint of genuine curiosity in his eyes.
"Never," I say with a goofy smile on my face and Sam can't help but smile too.
"I thought you would like it." He says as he watches me with pure love in his eyes. "I got myself something too."
I immediately look to his chest where his necklace should be but am instantly confused when I don't see one. His chuckle makes me look at his face. As opposed to giving me verbal clarification, Sam shows me his wrist where an engraved bracelet sits.
"'You will forever be my always…'" I complete with a smile on my face so wide that my face actually hurts. "That makes more sense." I also see that his has a(n) (Y/I) engraved in the center as well and assume that they must be our initials.
Sam chuckles one more time as I kiss him over and over again, thanking him for my gift. I know he got it so that neither of us would forget the other for whatever time we would be apart, and I couldn't help but think it was the perfect gift. It spoke volumes about I felt our relationship, and judging by the word choice, so did Sam.
"Ok, back to this whole college thing. This is unbelievable Sammy. I am so proud of you." I say as I pull away from him after placing one more quick kiss to his smiling face before I continue on my way, moving around and picking stuff up and reorganizing the room back around to what it was probably supposed to look like before the boys got there.
"Thanks (Y/N). Dad didn't seem to feel the same way, and regardless of what Dean says, I know he's just as upset as Dad, though obviously not in the same way. Bottom line, I'm glad someone understands how I feel."
I look up at him from what I'm doing, picking up dirty clothes off the bathroom floor, something I've hated since forever. Not like anyone likes picks up their father and brothers' dirty underwear.
"Dad's just so caught up with finding the thing that killed Mom. You leaving probably feels like he's losing another piece of her." I try to defend our father like I always do after the two have a tiff.
"But he isn't losing anyone. I'm just going to college. You know most parents are thrilled when they find out their kids are going to college, especially ones that are offering full rides. He needs to understand that we can't stay this small, complicated, dysfunctional hunting family forever. I mean this isn't normal."
"You're right Sam. Our lives aren't normal, so I don't see why you're trying so hard to be something you're not."
I look past Sam in shock, not even noticing that both Dad and Dean are standing in the doorway to the motel room. I can immediately feel the anger and hostility from earlier when Dean and I arrived from Bobby's begin to fill the room once more. I already know based on Dad's stiff posture and Sam's defensive stance that this conversation isn't gonna end well. My hand instantly goes to my necklace, and I stealthily hide it under the collar of my shirt, not that it matters because no one in the room's attention is on me.
"Maybe I want to be normal, or at least try. Not like you ever encouraged any of us to try to be anything in the vicinity of normal. I mean you won't even let (Y/N) anywhere near an actual, hands on hunt, but you want her to excel in supernatural knowledge. If you ask me, I think you're just mad your shot at normal is over!" Sam yells in Dad's face; the glares they direct at each other are so inimical if looks could kill, both of them would be nothing more than a pile of ashes.
But the really scary thing about this entire conversation – if you could actually call Sam yelling at Dad a conversation – is that Dad hasn't said a word in response, but when he does, I wish he hadn't.
"You want to be normal so bad Sam?" He walks around the tallest of us all, now between Sam and I, and that makes me all the more nervous because every fiber of my being is telling me to run and cling to Sam and never let him go. And I might not do that, but I do walk around the pair, to stand in front of the door, fearful that this verbal argument might progress into something much worse, my hand on the place where my necklace is now under my shirt the entire time. But Dad walks past Sam, going to grab his bag from the bed, next to mine. "Then go. Be normal."
His words take us all by surprise; I can see the sadness mixed in with the anger in Sam's eyes at the words. I for one am shocked to my core. He is basically kicking Sam out. Dean is just as shocked as me, the only difference being he is shocked into action.
"Dad, don't –" He takes a few steps closer to the fuming duo, though not daring to step within touching distance of either.
Dad just keeps talking as though Dean hadn't tried to intervene. "Just know that if you walk out that door, Sam, you better not come back."
Sam takes an entire step away from our father, bumping into me in the process – I must have taken a few steps away from the door during the chaos after all – causing him to turn and face me.
A part of me wants to will everything I'm feeling deep down onto my face to convey to Sam just how much I want him to stay. To keep our family whole and try to make what we have work without Dad and Dean finding out for as long as we can, so all that can be possible.
But I know that if I do that, Sam will see it as me taking Dad's side, even after everything we just said to each other. I have to support him, at least until November, then all this will be over. Regardless of my true feelings.
But whatever look I have on my face must make my decision for me because there is hurt and shock on Sam's face as opposed to his previous anger before it shifts to regretful acceptance. He gives me a sad smile, which confuses me, before turning back to face our father once more. I pray to God he didn't get the wrong idea just now.
The two only stare at each other for a moment before Sam grabs his duffle out of Dad's hand. "Fine." Is the only thing he says before turning his back to John Winchester and making his way past me and a baffled Dean and out the motel room, into the humid August night; when had it stopped raining?
I can only assume he's more pissed than he was willing to reveal to Sam, because Dad strides past both Dean and me and slams the door, the noise echoing loudly throughout the silent room, more so than any thunder that storm had caused and enough that it actually makes me worry how much attention it drew.
At first we all kinda just stand there in shock and silence, Dean and I not knowing what to say and knowing not to say anything to Dad when he gets like this. Though after a few minutes of me looking at my father, for some reason expecting him to open the door and go after his youngest son after just shoving him out the door and slamming it behind him for good measure moments prior, I get my own ass into gear.
As I turn to open the door, my father having moved to the side not too long ago, his gruff voice stops me.
"Where the hell are you going?"
A colossal part of me wants to turn my head and scream at him 'to do your job!' but I reframe for a simple, "To make sure Sam gets away okay." And with that, I walk out the room, closing the door behind me without waiting for a response. Except, I don't hear the door click shut.
I turn back and see Dean hot on my heels, keys to the Impala in hand.
"Dad gave you those?" I ask with a skeptical eyebrow raised.
"Nope." Is his only answer as he slides behind the Impala's wheel. "You comin'?"He yells to me.
I grin as I make my way to the passenger's side and get in before Dean pulls out of the motel parking lot.
I don't wait for the Impala to come to a complete stop or to Dean calling out for me to wait. I just know that I need to see Sammy before he's gone for what I know is gonna feel like forever.
I dash through the doors of the bus station, bumping into a few people in my haste and not so regretfully apologize as I search the crowd of people for my shaggy-haired, freakishly tall big brother. Due to the fact that Sam is so tall, and I can't spot him in the crowd of people, I fear that he has already purchased his ticket and left me for good.
The thought discourages me physically, causing my head to drop back down to its original position as opposed to stretched above my shoulders. This angle allows me to catch a glimpse of a bench over near the doors for entrances and departures for bus passengers, and low and behold, Sam is sitting there, looking like a lost and dejected puppy.
I run to him, not bothering with the people I bump into this time around. All I care about is getting to my Sammy. He must sense my approach because his head shoots up, sadness turned to joy and relief on his face.
He stands and makes the two final strides separating us and lifts me into his arms, kissing me soundly. He holds me tight to him, and I wrap my arms around his neck as the kiss deepens, every ounce of what I wanted to say in that motel room with Dad coming out in a language I know only Sam understands, and I know he does when he smiles into the kiss.
I can feel eyes on us, and it's then I remember we're in a public place, and people probably have nothing better to do at a bus station than watch two teenagers make out. Then I remember…
"Dean!" I pull away from Sam as though his touch set my skin ablaze; in a way it does.
"He's not here (Y/N/N)." Sam tries to reassure me, not willing to let me get that far away from him. He always was a cuddler. My giant teddy bear. Focus (Y/N).
"Yes, he is. He drove me here. He wanted to make sure you left alright. He was just supposed to be parking the car, but I bolted, and I-I don't know what happened to him." I say, panic seeping into my voice the longer I talk as my eyes search for my eldest brother's.
"(Y/N), (Y/N/N), calm down." He says calmly, taking my face between his massive hands. "If he did see us, then we'll just leave right now. I'll buy another ticket, and we'll go to California and start over like I promised. You wouldn't have to worry."
"Y-you promise?"
"Yeah, baby. Don't worry about Dean."
"What about Dean?" Speak, and he shall appear.
Sam looks at the newcomer over my head, and I turn around and face him myself, my hand not daring to leave Sam's.
"(Y/N) was just wondering what was taking you so long. It can't take you that long to park a car." Sam replies smoothly before I even have the chance to part my lips and I can't be more grateful, but this could still go either way.
"Well, parking wasn't the problem. It was finding the two of you, which wouldn't have been so hard if it had only been one of you I had to look for." The last part is directed at me, though there is no hostility in the words, just Dean's playful tone.
"Aww. Don't be mad because she left to find her favorite brother; you'll have her all to yourself soon enough." His words make me squeeze his hand tight as a melancholic silence falls over us.
"So you really plan on leaving, huh Sammy." It isn't actually a question, and we all know it; I just hope it doesn't start a fight between my brothers right here in the middle of a crowded Greyhound bus station. Watching Dad go at it with Sam was hard enough, I don't know how well I would take Dean verbally or physically beating him up too.
"We talked about this Dean." Sam's tone is still calm, but I can hear the annoyance and exasperation seeping through.
"I know. I know. I just thought you'd- well with…"
Dean's gaze drifts over to me.
'So he did think I would somehow make Sam change his mind. Hmm… He's gonna be crushed when he learns the truth.
My body subconsciously moves slightly behind Sam's massive frame for protection from Dean's saddened gaze like it does whenever the two of us are at school, and someone picks on me. And Sam, naturally, moves to block me from Dean's view as well, but only slightly. But enough for our older brother to notice.
Dean watches the exchange and instantly understands. Doesn't take a genius to see what's going on here. He nods at the two of us as he drops his head, resignation turned acceptance spreading across his face, and he does a marvelous job concealing most of the bitterness of not figuring it out sooner as well.
"I guess I don't have a choice but to watch you go. I'm not stopping you from getting on that bus, and (Y/N/N) had obviously been with you from the start, so," Dean lets out a deep sigh. "You deserve a shot at normal. At least one of the Winchesters does."
I am completely shocked at Dean's words, and based on the look on Sam's face, so is he. I expected more of a fight or a least a guilt trip about leaving our family in a time of need when we still haven't found the thing that killed Mom. Before we have done the impossible and vanquished all evil from this world, but Dean doesn't do that. He supports his little brother and tells him that he deserves what he's broken away from the rest of the family to acquire.
Not at all what I expected and I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. I just squeeze Sam's hand and smile, glad that Sammy could have a relatively decent departure.
End Flashback
The three of us waited for the bus for thirty minutes, and I didn't care that I cried in front of Dean when Sam finally stepped on, and we watched them pull away.
I wanted so badly to kiss him one last time, though never actually wanting to call a kiss with Sam our last, but I knew I couldn't do that in front of Dean. It would ruin everything.
But would it really have?
Sam said that if Dean had seen our little public display of affection, that he would have bought another bus ticket for me so that we could start our new lives right then and there. No possible months-long anticipation for when we would be reunited for good. Just us, together, for good.
A part of me is kind of sad that Dean didn't see us together, and for two reasons.
First off, my family doesn't handle loss well. Like, any kind. So with Sam just up and leaving like this, it is a form of loss for us. See, I don't remember what it was like with my mom around, but Dad and Dean do. They remember her like it was yesterday; they remember her death like it was yesterday, so with Sam just leaving like this and Dad telling him to leave and stay gone, he might as well have died too.
Now imagine how they would have handled it if I had left with him? If Dean had seen that kiss? I'm thankful he didn't because I don't want to get a call from Bobby one day saying that my brother and father were killed on a hunt over something stupid and knowing that it was really because they were distracted because of me and Sam. And I know that's what would happen.
And second, I've had to keep this secret from my family for the past two and a half years, give or take. Now, in my opinion, keeping secrets is like lying, you're never being completely honest with either one, so you can only imagine how I feel about this with my family. This isn't lying because they don't know Sam and I are together – we're brother and sister, why would they even have a reason to suspect anything? – training with Bobby is more like lying because Dad doesn't want me doing it.
But like I said before, sometimes lying is a necessary evil and what I do with Bobby is necessary for my survival, and Dad will come to see that one day. Similarly, this secret is also a necessity. I don't know what Dad would do if he ever found out about Sam and me.
Nothing good, I presume.
Realistically, best case scenario is he'd kill us both. No, really. He'd have to. He'd track Sam down at school and kill him skillfully, maybe make it look like a suicide or something. People would believe that he was depressed and not having a traceable family helps to make it all look more real. But Dad would have to kill me too because I'd try to kill him.
It doesn't matter that he is my father, if he killed Sam or hurt him in any way that I didn't believe he could come back from, I wouldn't have a choice but to retaliate. I know Sam would do the same if it came down to it.
But I'm painting Dad as the villain in this twisted story, and he really isn't. Well, I guess that all depends on how you look at it. I know I say that a lot, but it's true. Based on Dad's perspective and how he was raised, what Sam and I have is morally wrong on so many levels. He might not kill his kids based on their lifestyle choices, but based on what the path he sent Sam on, if he ever found out about the two of us, whatever he does decide can't be good either.
I mean, I know he loves Sam and me and would do anything it takes to protect us. I mean we're his kids, why wouldn't he? But sometimes the way he talks and acts can be a little judgmental, hypocritical, and just plain mean that it makes it hard to be anything besides what he wants us to be, which is more than likely why Sam kept his big news from all of us. One slip up too soon, and Dad might have pushed him away for good. But I think it's too late for that anyway. And I think Dad's starting to realize that too.
Since Sam left ten months ago, Dad has moved us to hunt a vamp nest in Colorado, a poltergeist in Michigan, ghouls in Oregon, and a pack of weres in Montana. He even let me start officially hunting with him and Dean a few days after Michigan; more out shooting in the field as oppose to my usually being assigned to research at the local library.
I should have been happy that my father finally thought I was old enough, strong enough, to hunt with them. Ecstatic even. Bobby always said I was a natural and shot everything evil with the accuracy of a true marksman thanks to years of training with him, but I also had a skill that came with being a Winchester.
I make my brother and father proud and have saved both of their skins quite a few times in these past few months, but I'm not anywhere near happy about anything that has happened in these past few months.
Especially not at first. Well, I guess that's not entirely correct.
Ever since Sam left, I have been trying to keep it together as best as I can. I know it won't be easy with him gone. I knew it when he told me that life would be a challenge for the both of us until we were reunited. I could feel it in the way he kissed me in the motel room as our tears blended and fell to the floor. I saw it in his eyes as that bus pulled out of the parking lot, Sam's eyes on me the entire time with a longing and sadness in them that I knew was reflected in my own.
Dean actually had to pull me to the Impala, and neither of us said a word the entire drive back to the motel; not that I was really surprised, but Dad wasn't there when we got back, and I was a little glad. I didn't blame him – not at first at least – but I wasn't in the mood to deal with anything he may say about Sammy out of spite then.
So it surprised me when he came back that night and laid in the bed next to the one I chose – I knew it was Sam's. It still smelled like him – and didn't say a word to Dean or me. The next morning, though, Dad moved us out of Mesa with an urgency that left no room for argument. That didn't surprise me.
When we got at least 500 miles between that motel and us – Dad making sure to go in the opposite direction of California – we stopped at another motel, all of us more exhausted than we were willing to admit, and crashed down in bed. The only difference between me and Dean and Dad, I didn't have much motivation to get back up.
I knew I only had to wait three months, but it was still hard to find a reason to get up and keep moving until then. I was just researching and finishing my high school career online as it was anyway, so it wasn't like I was really going anywhere anyway. Multiple hunts in the area kept us in the same motel for a while, which meant there wasn't a reason to get out of the bed soon enough and nothing could keep my thoughts from drifting to Sam.
At first, it was trying to figure out what big bad was next, but I soon realized that it was usually a straggler that either Dad or Dean had missed from a previous hunt, and it was just about finding a location. Typically they were too weak to get far, so there weren't very many places to check.
Once they had found and killed the thing, I made a point not to mention what the real problem here was, but I knew Dad would get it eventually. Hopefully before one of them got killed.
My problem was that because I didn't really have a job and schoolwork wasn't really an issue for me, Sam was always on my mind, up until the point that I realized that Thanksgiving had come and gone.
Now I knew it might have taken longer than the allotted three months we had set up, but I at least thought he'd try to contact me. Especially on my birthday, which also came and went in early December. I prayed to God something had come up. He couldn't get away; he couldn't find us yet, anything. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that was wishful thinking.
I spiraled into a depression not long after that. I didn't talk, I didn't eat, I didn't care. As we moved, my family hoped my mood would lighten, but no such luck. Now, John Winchester was never much of the hovering parent, except when it came to monsters, but he did check up on me from time to time. I did most everything else so that he and Dean could focus on hunting.
One day Dad and Dean came back from a partially grueling hunt, both with numerous bumps and bruises and cuts covering their entire bodies, some worse than others. They had been outnumbered, the two of them against five vampires. Dad didn't actually tell me, but I could tell they finally realized that they were a bit off their game, getting used to it being just the two of them again. He wouldn't say it out loud, but they needed another hunter to make up for Sam, and there weren't many people outside the family he trusted, and he knew I needed a distraction from my thoughts. So when he told me to grab my gun and head out with them to finish the job, I was the first one in the car.
When we got to the warehouse that the vamps were staying in, Dad gave me the run down on how he and Dean would go in first and I would follow. I waited a good five minutes before heading in and of course, they had been captured, the vamps having caught their scents from earlier.
I knew they had been making mistakes like this since Sam left, but really? It was a miracle they weren't dead or hadn't figured out for themselves at least. Geez!
There were three vamps left, and their heads were rolling before they even knew I was there. Simple enough. They shouldn't have needed me, but things we gonna change.
After that, we developed a new, normal routine. I would research most of the time, but I also wouldn't take no for an answer then it came to assisting on hunts. Dad needed me whether he admitted it or not, and I needed the distraction.
One night when Dad and Dean are passed out after a successful hunt that they thought they deserved a drink or… five, I sneak out of the motel room we have been staying at for the past couple days and make my way down to the convenience store that we have been to several times since we arrived in the town to the point where I know that the guy who works the night shift's name is Frank.
I buy a pack of sour gummy worms and a rubber band ball. When Frank asks me what I need this stuff for at two o'clock in the morning, I take my stuff off the counter, implying that he can keep the change, and tell him that it will help me with my fresh start.
Now I wear three or four rubber bands at a time to help me stop thinking about the distraction known as Sam. Every time he pops into my mind, I pick at one of the bands and pop myself in order to remind myself that I need to move on. Though I still wear the necklace he gave me because I promised him that I would, even if he didn't keep his. At least I know that with what I have now, I'm a better, stronger hunter, and it shows.
I have killed more supernaturals in the past few months than Dad and Dean combined. I see the pride in Dad's eyes when hunts are finished, and the civilian is saved. I see it in Dean too, but I also see the fear and apprehension at the person I'm becoming I feel it too.
I used to be similar to Sam, an introverted bookworm with a curious mind, though Sam was always an extrovert. I used to wear my emotions on my sleeves for any and everyone to see. I was compassionate and listened to people's problems and fears and talked to them without pity or judgment. That was just the kind of girl I was.
But not anymore.
Now, it's all about the next hunt, though I still excel in my online classes, they aren't my priority, but a part of me wants me to – has to – get through that chapter of my life. Maybe to get closure and put all that behind me. Maybe it's the girl I used to be trying to hold on with everything she has, telling me never to forget. Not that I ever can.
So I listen.
…
The shell I put around myself, to protect myself lasts well past the year and a half marker of Sam leaving. It's actually not until 26 months later that it crumbles completely, as though it were never there.
It happens in Palo Alto, California when I see him again.
I see my Sammy again after all this time.
A/N: In case I didn't say it before, whenever Sam and (Y/N) get all lovey dovey or their by themselves, they call each other by their nicknames. I didn't make a mistake; it's not a typo. (Y/N) also does it to Sam in her head most of the time, but she doesn't realize it, yet. *wink* *wink*
R&R please and thank you all so much. Hope I didn't kill you all with how long that was. I have no idea if the next one is that long. More or less most likely. ;)