First, sorry it took me so long, but here is the conclusion of The Travel Log. For those of you still reading, I hope you like it, even if it doesn't turn out exactly the way you'd hoped. As always thanks to mondlering moofoot for being a great beta. Any mistakes you see are my fault, not hers, and should be pointed out to me immediately. Now, on with the chapter, which is writen's in Max's POV.
Things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls like me.
But it's moments like the one that I'm currently experiencing that make it easy to forget about that particular reality. In fact, I can forget about this whole mess that I've found myself in. When Zack has his arms around me I forget about the sandwiches that I've made for us and the small circles that he is drawing on the back of my hand begin to lull me to sleep. I can almost forget about the heartache that I'm responsible for. I can almost forget that I should have known better than to let this happen.
Occasionally I think I should have foreseen this possibility, but most of the time I know that this should have never happened, because, really things like this just aren't supposed to happen to girls like me. Boys aren't supposed to fight over tomboyish, slightly plain, short-tempered girls like me. They are supposed to fight over girls like Maddie, the sweet, smart, blond schoolgirl type that I'm supposed to look at with envy and anger.
If, before all this started, you would have told me that those two boys would have started paying more attention to me than the seemingly perfect blond that sells them candy, I probably would have laughed in your face. Actually, I probably would have punched you in the face for making fun of me.
I would be lying if I said there weren't times that I'm still jealous of the attention she receives from them. For a long time after Zack and I had started dating I would catch Zack flirting with her. Most the times it was little stuff, the kinds of things that only a self-conscious girlfriend would notice.
But, there were times that it was more that, and one particular instance of Zack's piggish attempts to hit on Maddie assaulted me with its obviousness. I walked into the hotel to see him standing in front of the candy counter, supposedly to buy me candy. He was saying all the stupid stuff that he used to say to her all the time. All those lame lines and did you fall from heaven kind of crap. He's never really said those kind of cheesy things to me. I tried my best to just look mad, but really, I was pretty hurt. I think he was fooled. I didn't find him any where near the candy counter for a long time after that.
Actually, after that I never really saw them flirt at all. I'm not sure if it is because he stopped or if it's because he became better at hiding his wandering attention. I want it to be the first thing, but I know better than to get my hopes up.
Sometimes I wonder if Maddie will one day decide that she doesn't care that he's younger than her and steal him away from me. She probably could if she wanted to. But mostly, I just try my best to ignore the whole situation.
I awaken from these thoughts by the sound of footsteps and a door slam. I jump out of Zack's arms to find that I have been pulled away from my unsettling expectations to face a reality that only makes me feel even more unnerved.
A very pale Cody stands in front of his bedroom door. His fists are clinched and with watery eyes he looks from me to Zack, who is now standing beside me, before he finally breaks the silence.
"Choose." His voice is surprisingly firm considering his weak appearance, and he looks at me with a frightening intensity.
"Wh -What?" I stammer and unknowingly take a step back.
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, Max," his voice is ragged and he continues, "I think we are all tired of this."
I glance at Zack briefly and his avoidance of my eyes tells me that he agrees.
I endure a stifling silence until finally Zack quietly asks, "Well, who's it going to be?"
The insecurity in he normally cocky sounding voices pushes me to the limits of what I can take.Before I can even understand what I'm doing I quickly walk out the door and run all the way down the stairs. With each floor I descend I feel the increased sting of tears that are fighting to get out.
Things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls like me.
I want to go home and stay there until the either this blows over or get I get some kind of cosmic sign that clearly tells me what to do, but I'm stopped by the only person whose voice I want to hear less than the twins. I turn to face the blond, perfect antonym of me to see compassion and even a little bit of curiosity of her face. I wish she wouldn't appear so understanding; it would make it a lot easier to dislike her.
"What do you want Maddie?" I snap. Maybe it's easier than I thought.
I see annoyance spread across her face, but she quickly hides it. "What just happened?"
It then becomes very clear to me that she isn't completely sincere, and instead is just pumping me for information, probably hoping that the two have finally dropped me so that she can have their attention back. Since I don't really feel like giving her any advantage, I'm not planning on letting her know what just happened several floors above us.
But, as I turn to walk out the door she says, "They are making you choose, aren't they."
I turn back around. There's that freakin' sympathy again. Why does she have to be so perceptive?
"What makes you think that this is any of your business?"
"You know, we aren't as different as you think," she deadpans, and then begins to rearrange the magazines on the counter, as if she hadn't just stopped an almost hysteric girl who was running through the lobby. I stand there silent, and I wonder how lame I must have been to ignore the impending cross road that Maddie clearly knew was coming.
I suppose somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind, I knew something resembling this would probably have to happen eventually, but the delusional, and apparently dominant, part of me hoped that if I disregarded the whole situation it would somehow resolve itself. That Cody would move on or Zack and I would just grow apart or something. I feel like almost anything would be better than having to break one of their hearts and possible wreck the twins' relationship.
Things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls like me.
I wish there was just one of them, because unfortunately, they both appeal to me. Cody is sweet and sensitive and just the kind of guy who would make an amazing boyfriend.
Zack has liked me for so long. I know him and he knows me. We can read each other, and he predicts my thoughts and actions so often that sometimes it annoys me. I have fun with him. I can talk about almost anything with him, and he is an amazing boyfriend. It was awesome to be able to like him like him and still like him.
I close my eyes hoping that when I open them I will wake up in my room and all of this will have been a nightmare. Instead, I just open them to see Maddie looking at me as if I've completely lost it.
"You know, nobody is making you stay here, and since you clearly don't want to hear what I have to say, I think you should just go home and think about how much your life stinks. You do have a big decision to make."
I grit my teeth and fight back the urge to take out my confusion on her. I'm coming to tears again. I hate crying in front of people, and if there was someone I could pick to not cry in front of it would be the person who I'm currently facing.
I close my eyes again, this time in an attempt to fight back tears. When I open them Maddie has moved and is now standing about a foot away from me. All the curiosity and sarcasm from before is almost completely gone, and her hands are raised just a little as if she wants to hug me, but is afraid to.
"How can you say we aren't different?" I ask.
"I didn't say we weren't different, I said that we aren't as different as you think."
My frustration returns at these words and I raise my voice a little to ask, "Well, how can you say that?"
"Max, you and I are two girls who both sometimes say things that we shouldn't, who don't always fit the mold, who let our passion get the better of us, and who care a lot for the two confused boys up stairs."
I hate the truth in her words, and begrudgingly reach up to wipe the few tears that finally broke through my eyelids.
"I'm pretty sure that you don't care for them in the same way I do."
She awkwardly turns her back from me and I wonder why she suddenly doesn't want to look at me. "Who are you going to choose?" she asks and her voice cracks slightly at the end.
I fight back the jealous suspicion that the insecurity in her voice makes me feel and attempt to answer her question calmly.
"Do you honestly think I know that?"
She turns around and answers, "I think part of you does."
I roll my eyes at how cliché that is, and she lets out an awkward laugh in response to my reaction.
I find myself not wanting to leave the hotel before this is settled, and the now broken ice between Maddie and I prods me to ask if she knows of somewhere in the hotel that I could think. She suggests the bathroom and the disgusted look on my face allows her to gauge my reaction to that idea.
She smiles and says, "This is the Tipton, our restrooms are cleaner and nicer than the lobbies just about everywhere else."
I acknowledge her logic with a nod as I turn around and head towards the women's restroom where I find a cozy looking chair. I sit in it, allowing the peacefulness of the restroom to sink in and the storm that is my thoughts to surface again.
I close my eyes and every picture is coming to the forefront of my mind and the memory of every important moment returns with a force that makes me glad I'm sitting down.
This all started when the three of us were fourteen. Cody and I were in their suite and he was helping me with some homework, when I suddenly saw him space out with his mouth hanging open as if he was incapable of speech. As I was reaching up to smack his shoulder and ask him what his freaking problem was, Zack walked in and asked if I wanted to play a game of basketball in the park.
As I'm sure Zack knew, I'm always up for a game of basketball, so I followed after him without even looking to see if Cody was behind me. Looking back, I'm also very sure Cody not joining us was part of his plan.
There wasn't really a game going on and Zack covered his fib by saying that the game was over and that nobody wanted to play a second game because they'd heard I was coming and didn't want to be embarrassed when they were beaten by a girl.
Part of me wanted to roll my eyes at his moronic story and leave him at the park by himself, but it was nice to have someone pay attention me. And, his story made me laugh, so I just pulled the basketball out of his hands, took a shot and after it swished through the hoop, said, "They're right to be worried." Then we played a several games of horse.
It was a very good afternoon. I don't think I'd ever been flirted with so much before. But it wasn't like the flirting that I'd seen him attempt with other girls. He didn't use a bunch of lines or any over the top stuff. If he thought something that I did was cute, he would just say, "That's cute," not "Hey babe, you're hot. Want to grab a pizza?" It was nice.
When we got back Cody had done my homework, which didn't exactly make me feel stellar. I had this feeling that something was going on with him. I don't think it has ever sucked so much to be right.
I'm pretty sure that things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls like me.
For the next year or so Zack was amazingly patient with his attempts to win me over. I'd honestly hoped that he would ask me out that first day at the park, but instead trips to the park just became a part of our everyday thing. If it was 103 degrees outside we would sit under this huge weeping willow and drink slushies. When it was 10 degrees outside we would go ice skating and he would pretend to be bad so that he could grab my hand when he started lose his balance. I'm not going to lie; I thought that was pretty adorable.
But that went on for so long that, given his normal, obnoxiously impatient nature, I was starting wonder if he liked me at all. However, when I was about to give up hope, he arrived at our lockers, and gave me a jumbled attempt to confess his feelings. I don't think I've ever seen him so nervous.
That day we kissed for the second time, and I can promise you that it was much more enjoyable, much more intentional, and much less awkward than our first attempt. Even though it is one of the events that lead to all this mess it was one my favorite moments in my life. When he pushed me up against the locker I knew I had what I'd been wishing for, and, for once, I had hope that it would all turn out as beautifully as I had pictured.
After that, I pushed Cody to the side. We were still friends, and I still sometimes felt bad for his third wheel status, but for the most part, Zack become the priority in my life.
Not to say that my relationship with Zack was perfect. We had our problems. I sometimes got very tired of his flirtations, insensitive nature, and his overly forward nature whenever we…showed each other affection. But, for the most part, it was my favorite thing in life. Zack and I enjoyed the most comfortable high school relationship I've known of. We weren't about breaking up and having magical get-back-together moments. We weren't about sugary sweet overly dramatic romantic dates and restaurants that we couldn't afford. We didn't go out to eat, we made each other sandwiches. He likes his with the crusts cut off.
But the boys' sixteenth birthday rudely interrupted my comfortable life. Zack and I had some fairly big plans. I bought a dress, because I know how much Zack appreciates it when I dress up, and we were both prepared for an amazing time until those idiots as the restaurant decided that they wanted to be tools and loose the reservations that I had made.
I was pretty ticked about the whole thing and was ready to go give those guys a piece of my mind, but Zack was somehow able to get my blood pressure back to normal level and convince me that it was okay for him to handle the whole thing. Somehow he got the whole thing turned around so that he was treating me on his birthday. I don't know how he charms me into stuff like that.
I walked into the suite the afternoon of Zack's birthday and glanced at a blond boy with his back turned to me. In my eagerness, I assumed he was Zack and quickly walked towards him and greeted him a hug and a happy birthday before I spun him around to kiss him. The moment our lips touched I thought I'd kissed the wrong boy, but when he didn't pull away I again assumed that it must be Zack. Cody would never kiss his brother's girlfriend for this long. Clearly this was not one of my brightest moments.
He kissed me so gently, so slowly, and as he began to tentatively massage the bare skin just below the sleeves of my T-shirt I felt myself begin to moan into his mouth.
He pulled away a little too suddenly and that bad feeling arouse in me again, but before I could stop myself I said, "You should kiss me like that more often." That's probably the worst thing I've ever said to anyone. I feel like I should choose him just for being so horrible that night.
Then I heard Zack greet us through gritted teeth and some ridiculous attempt at mandatory not-possessive pleasantness.
I squeaked out his name as we all tried to ignore what had just happened.
Zack and I left, and I gave Cody one fleeting, and probably very confusing, glance on our way out.
I couldn't believe Cody had done that. Part of me was furious. He isn't supposed to be that kind of brother.
But, another part of me was curious. I liked kissing Cody. He was so gentle, and he expressed such feeling in that short amount of time. But, did I like that because I thought those feelings came from Zack? Did I like kissing him because I thought that kiss meant Zack was going to start treating me a little less like meat? Or was it simply the Cody-ness of that kiss I liked? I suppose if I could answer all those questions, all of this wouldn't be so freakin' hard.
Actually, that's not true, it would still be hard because I would still have to choose. I would still feel like I have to break a heart.
Somehow, in spite of all that, Zack and I were still able to have a descent time that night. If there is one thing amazing about Zack, it's his ability to make me absolutely forget about whatever is less than perfect in my life, even though sometimes those things have to do with him.
I found out the next day that Cody spent that night paying his dues to the porcelain god. I spent most of the next trying to avoid doing the same.
I wish there was just one of them.
Things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls like me.
That was over a year ago and every since that night things have been hard between the three of us. I glance at Cody way too frequently and I desperately hope that Zack hasn't noticed. Whenever Cody is around guilt makes me incapable of showing any kind of affection for Zack, and I hate the awkward pauses that now out number the laughter that we used to have.
I wish I could figure out my feelings instead of attempting to fight with the confusion that stands in front of whatever the right choice is.
I don't think there really is a right choice. How can Maddie think that I already know?
Cody is a good and sweet boy, and I feel horrible for what I've done for him. He does my homework and I break his heart. I feel like he deserves to get whatever he wants because of all this heartache, and if want he wants happens to be me, than he can have me. I wish he would have never kissed me and never liked me.
Zack is good and sweet also, but maybe in his own kind of way. I think about our relationship and I adore how he somehow finds his own ordinary little ways to take care of me, like taking over the birthday plans. I love the way he looks at me sometimes, like he can see a future with me. I know he would be too embarrassed to say that, and maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe he doesn't think about stuff like that at all. But, even with our problems, I wouldn't want to forget what we have had.
And now I understand.
So I get up and rush out of the restroom, because this needs to be done quickly like the way you pull off a band-aid.
I pass Maddie in a blur and I hear her yell, "Who did you decide?" as the doors to the elevator close. I don't really have time to answer.
But as the doors open and I face the twenty-third floor my nervousness returns and I hesitate to get off the elevator. I know I need to do this now so I quickly step out, into the hallway, and walk towards their room.
I knock on the door. No answer. Again. Still no answer.
"Just answer the door," I order with annoyance and impatience in my voice.
I hear some movement inside and the door opens so I can see a flushed Zack in front of me. His eyes are emotionless, but I think see moisture underneath them. When he notices that I've noticed, he quickly looks down, hiding his face from me and steps to the side motioning for me to come in.
I do and finally see Cody sitting on the couch staring straight ahead, his arms crossed.
A few more moments pass with Zack standing by the front door looking anywhere but at Cody and I. Cody continues to ignore both of us. The only sound is the shuffling of my feet.
With a heavy sign I say, "I've decided."
This statement causes Cody to finally acknowledge my presence and when he does my heart drops and those feelings of self-hate return.
"You first, Zack," I quickly mumble and grab his wrist as I take us to his room.
I shut the door and I once again find myself in uncomfortable silence.
"Cody and I kissed."
He looks less shocked that I had anticipated.
"You knew," I state and look down, feeling too guilty to meet his gaze.
"On our birthday?" I nod, and he continues, "I sort of figured." He pauses before he asks, "Is there anything else, or are you going to go tell Cody that you've picked him?"
"Does my kissing Cody not make you not want to be my boyfriend any more?" I ask hoping he doesn't notice the obvious fear in my voice.
His eyes widen and he appears to have a hard time finding his words for a second. "You honestly think that's a possibility? Max, we both know I haven't always been the best when it comes to other girls. I mean I've never kissed anybody or anything but…" he trails off for a few moments before he continues, "I would have to be insane to not want to be your boyfriend."
I look down at my feet for a few moments as I try to ignore how red my face is becoming. I'll never understand how he does that.
I look up and kiss him, and, for once, he is gentle as he holds my hands between the two of us.
As we pull away he whispers, "I love you, Max."
I take a few steps back, but he is still holding on to one of my hands. I cannot believe that he has said that. I can feel my mouth hanging open, and it won't shut no matter how much my mind tells it too.
"I'll be-be right back," I finally stutter.
And I turn around and leave a deathly still Zack behind me. I'm fighting that self-hate again, and I wonder why my fear always makes me leave people hanging like that.
I shut the door, and Cody is sitting on the couch, looking up at me.
"Why didn't you say it back to him?" he asks.
"You were listening?" I rasp.
He rolls his eyes, and turns his head so that he now staring straight ahead again. "It not like Zack wouldn't do the same thing."
I step forward and sit down on the couch beside him. "Cody, I feel terrible for all the things that I've ever done to you, and you don't deserve to ever have to deal with any of that again."
He looks up at me and the hope in his eyes makes me wish I'd worded this different. I continue, "but pity isn't the way to start any kind of relationship, and is certainly isn't the same as love."
"Max, you kissed me," he states, his eyes meeting mine. God, I really hate myself
"For most of it I thought you were Zack, and I feel sorry about that, and that's pity again, and I'd be lying if I said none of me every felt more that just pity for you, but that was what a lot of this was and…" I trail off when I realize that I'm starting to babble.
He's look straight ahead again and for the millionth time that day I feel like I'm drowning in silence.
"Cody, I'm not sure that you ever really loved me like that either." His jaw clinches and I can see that comment has not made him happy so before he can start yelling at me I continue, "Love should make you want to be better. How has this made you do anything but feel sorry for yourself?"
He gets up from the couch and head towards the door, but I beat him there and stand in front of the door, blocking is escape. "I know you Cody. You can be so selfless, and when you fall in love I know that's what you'll be. If you would have been selfless in all this, that kiss would not have lasted nearly as long as it did."
He is refusing to make eye contact with me and a moment later I ask, "Are you sure this wasn't just about getting the girl?"
He sighs, reaches up to rub his eyes, and finally replies, "Maybe a little, but I did really like you at one point."
"Do you real want to steal the girl your brother loves because you really liked her at one point?"
There is quite pause before he finally says, "No."
Another pause and I really wish that I could find the words to say. I finally settle with, "You'll find your happy ending someday, you know." It feels hollow and I instantly wish I could eat those words, but for some reason they seem to help him and he stands just a little straighter than before and gives me a small smile.
"You better go," he says motioning towards their bedroom door with his hand. "If I remember correctly you left someone we both love hanging
I smile at him and follow his advice. As I walk towards the bedroom, I hear him let out a long sigh before he opens the door and steps out of the suite.
I open my own door to see Zack sitting on his bead flipping through a magazine. His forlorn expression as he looks up at me reminds me of an abandoned dog, and I do my best to stop the giggle that I feel bubbling up within me.
"So are you guys going to be happy?" he asks and forces a smile. The giggle from before dies, and I feel guilty for having left him hanging like that. I sort of thought he would have been listening at the door.
"I didn't pick him."
"Why?" he asks disbelief evident in his voice. "He'd make a lot better of a boyfriend than me."
"I'm not in love with him and he isn't in love with me."
He still looks like he doesn't believe me, and I continue, "But, I am in love with you."
The disbelief is still there but I can tell that he is trying to keep from jumping off the bed and kissing me. He settles for a smile and set his magazine next on the floor and scoots over motioning for me to join him.
I comply and we curl up together with his arms around me, my head resting on his shoulders and my hand on top of his chest.
We both soak up the end of this exhausting journey. I want to let this be, but I know that there is still one more thing that needs to be said.
"Zack?" my voice is barely above a whisper and he answers me with a subdued mumble of acknowledgment.
I look up at him and ask, "Are things going to be better now?"
I feel him tense up a little as looks down at me. "What do you mean?
"Are you going to stop being so..." I pause searching for the right word, "Insensitive?"
His relaxes again and replies, "That was my plan."
I smile up at him and we share a pause that is, for the first time today, not at all awkward. My smile widens and I say, "You know, I think that this may call for little celebration."
I lift my head up to kiss him but he pulls away from me and says, "I think what were doing now works for me."
And that response makes me feel very happy.
As we sit there I can't help that think that this destination was worth it.
I smile to myself as I think about how lucky I am, because really things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls like me.
The end
Well, there you go. I'm not sure what my ratio is of Cody/Max to Zack/Max shippers, but I hope I haven't broken any readers hearts with this ending. The thing is I like Cody/Max and Zack/Max, but this just felt like the right way to go. Even though it turned out to be somewhat painful to right. I have a sequel in the works, which will likely be titled Is It Any Wonder?, after the Keane song yes, but not a songfic by any means. Anyway, Cody will get that happy ending Max and I have promised him, it just won't be with Max. Clues to who it will be with are located in this story, so feel free to go back and look for them. I wouldn't want you to feel cheated or anything. Those who guess will get…hypothetical high fives.
Lastly, I wrote this based on the idea that our perceptions of things are often very different than the way things actually are. All of these characters have been wrong in at least some of their assumptions. I hope that came across without you feeling cheated or lied to in anyway.
Don't forget to review. I'll never know what you thought of this if you don't tell me.