A/N: Ok, I don't really like this chapter but the more I work on it the more I hate it so I'm just going to post it, get it over with and move onto the next bit. I was trying to create a scene where Ste and Doug talk about their failed relationship because it doesn't seem like the actual show is in any hurry to but I'm not happy with the result. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Although I do like the last review I got which said I should write a chapter with Matthew. That'd be adorable so I'm going to do that.
Doug sat at the table in the Dog with his hand entwined with John Paul's as Leanne nattered about something or other. He wasn't really paying attention; he was concentrating more on the warmth of John Paul's hand surrounding his own. John Paul was absent-mindedly stroking Doug's hand with his thumb as he pretended to pay attention to what Leanne was saying. Doug smiled shyly at him when he caught John Paul's eye and they took a moment to gaze at each other.
"Are you two even listening to me?" Leanne's voice pierced the moment and it was lost. "I swear it's like I'm invisible."
"You could never be invisible Leanne," Doug grinned at her. "You're loud enough for the entire village."
"Oi you," Leanne laughed and playfully hit Doug's arm. "You can buy me another drink for that."
"Actually we were going to head off," Doug told her.
"Oh, so you're just abandoning me for your new boyfriend," Leanne replied in mock indignation. "That's fine; you go and leave me all alone."
"Leanne…"
"No," Leanne shooed him away with a hand gesture and scowl. "You can't say anything." She managed to hold her scowl for a few more seconds before she broke into a smile. "Gotcha," she teased.
"You sure you're okay with us going?" Doug asked.
"Yes, I did kind of drag you out in the first place. Go and have some fun."
"Love ya," Doug smiled and kissed Leanne on the cheek. He grabbed his coat and took John Paul's hand. "I'll see you later."
"Bye," Leanne waved and took another sip of her drink.
xXx
Doug and John Paul lay on Doug's bed facing each other, holding hands and kissing tenderly. They had lain like this since returning an hour previously. They were in no hurry. They just enjoyed being next to each other. Doug loved it when they did this, it was like getting to know each other without the words. He enjoyed getting to know every part of John Paul's body just as much as he enjoyed getting to know his personality. There was nothing hurried about what they were doing, it was not frantic or rushed, it was calm and languid.
"I love it when we do this," John Paul whispered between kisses, his voice rough.
"Uh huh me too," Doug replied breathlessly.
John Paul pulled away slightly and stared into Doug's eyes. They were shining even in the dim light. He lifted Doug's hand to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on the palm.
"You know, I haven't done anything like this in a long time."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Me and Craig used to do it when we first got together but not towards the end. We were too busy fighting."
Doug swallowed hard and sat up on the bed. He knew he shouldn't feel threatened by the ghosts of John Paul's past relationship but after everything that had happened with Ste and Brendan he couldn't help it. John Paul couldn't help but notice.
"What's wrong? Is it 'cos I mentioned Craig? I didn't think that you were that insecure."
"I'm not. I just don't like hearing how perfect your relationship was."
"You are that insecure. You think that just because Ste wasn't over Brendan that I'm the same. How can you even think that?"
Doug couldn't think of a response. He felt like an idiot for just thinking it.
"I'm not going to stay here and be accused of something I didn't do. Listen, why don't you figure out how you feel and then get back to me," John Paul stood up and stormed out of the flat, leaving Doug alone and miserable.
xXx
Doug was in a foul mood the next day. He couldn't keep it to himself and he banged and clattered around the Deli.
"Damn it," he shouted as he dropped a bowl of salad onto the floor.
"Are you all right?" Ste asked him.
"I'm just great," Doug snapped. "Sorry," he apologised quickly. "It's not your fault."
"Something wrong with lover boy?" Ste asked, only half sarcastically.
"We had a fight," Doug explained; sliding down the side of the counter and rubbing his hands over his face. "A bad one."
"What about?" Ste sat down next to him.
"About my inability to trust him," Doug sighed. "It seems to be a running theme in my relationships."
Ste looked into Doug's eyes and he could see the pain and the unshed tears. "Maybe you should talk to him."
"And say what? I'm sorry I don't trust you because I keep comparing our relationship to my previous one and think you're gonna run off with your ex. I sound pathetic. I am pathetic."
"You're not pathetic."
"Yes I am. I am so pathetic. I'm letting my feelings over what happened with us cloud my relationship with John Paul. I hate it. I fought so long and so hard to keep you but I just ended up losing you anyway. You were so wrapped up in Brendan God damned Brady that you hurt me so much and you didn't even seem to care that you were doing it. You treated me so badly and now I'm projecting my fear that this will happen again onto John Paul," Doug couldn't stop the tears from falling down his face and he angrily wiping them away, ashamed that he had let Ste see him so down.
Ste sighed. He really hadn't considered Doug's feelings since he had returned; he'd been too wrapped up in Brendan. Doug had seemed okay and at peace with their relationship so Ste had assumed that they didn't need to talk about any of it. He'd just swept it under the carpet and hoped that nothing would come of it. There was a great deal of residual hurt and anger on Doug's part though.
"I don't want it to," Doug confessed tearily. "I don't mean it to but I can't help it. I spent so long not trusting you over Brendan and over and over again you would lie to me and convince me I was crazy for feeling that way. Why would you do that?"
"I dunno," Ste replied quietly. "I guess that I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't still in love with Brendan and I didn't want you to bring it up."
"So you used me to hide your own feelings?"
"No, it wasn't like that at all."
"It's what it sounds like to me."
"I did love you, Doug, I did…"
"But you loved Brendan more," Doug finished. "Then why did you continue to be with me? Why did you let our relationship get so far? I would have done anything to make you happy and you only ever made me miserable. You never would have left me, would you? If I hadn't given you that ticket at the airport you would have gone to America with me. You would have spent the rest of your life with me when our entire relationship was a lie."
"I didn't know you felt that way."
"That's because I've done a very good job of hiding it. I thought I could get over it. I tried so hard to get you out of my head and I thought it was working. I thought I was moving on but you're still there. It doesn't change anything though. I'm still in this mess because of you and I don't know how to get out of it."
"You should talk to him," Ste told him. "You should be honest with him. I wasn't honest with you and that's what our problem was."
"I know."
"But you like him, I can see that and he likes you too. You always seem so happy when you're with him. Not like with me."
"And what if it's not that simple? What if I've ruined everything?"
"You won't have."
xXx
Doug sat on the sofa staring at his phone. He'd typed an apology but he didn't have the nerve to send it. He wiped another tear from his cheek as he wallowed in his own self pity. He didn't want to be like this. This is how it had been with Ste and he wasn't going to feel like this again. He needed to see John Paul and talk to him. He checked his watch. John Paul should be home by now. He grabbed his jacket and hurried out of the flat.
John Paul had been moping since the fight with Doug last night. Everyone had noticed and they'd been teasing him about it all day. He didn't care though, he was too miserable to care. He couldn't believe that Doug didn't trust him. He'd thought they'd had a good relationship but that obviously wasn't the case. Maybe it was for the best that this all came out now and not further down the relationship.
There was a soft knock at the door. John Paul almost didn't answer it but something compelled him to. When he opened it he saw Doug standing there.
"Can we talk?" He asked his voice quiet and hoarse; John Paul could see he'd been crying. "Please," he added.
John Paul opened the door further and Doug stepped inside. "Everyone's out," he answered to an unasked question. Doug simply nodded. "I thought you'd said everything you had to say last night."
"I came to apologise and explain. I am so sorry about last night."
"I'd rather hear the explanation than the apology."
Doug took a deep breath. "I allowed my feelings from my relationship with Ste get in the way of my relationship with you and I shouldn't have. I thought I had it all worked out and I thought that I wasn't angry and hurt about it anymore but it turns out I was wrong."
"Do you still want to be with Ste?"
"No, not at all. I don't feel that way about him anymore but I guess I'm still hurt about everything. He made me feel like an idiot, he made me feel inadequate and those feelings didn't go away, I just buried them and hoped they would just disappear. But that's my problem, not yours and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"You could have just talked to me instead of accusing me."
"I know and I'm sorry. I'm just an irrational ball of neuroses and I hate that. I really like you."
"I like you too but I'm not going to be in a relationship with you if you're going to let this get in the way."
"It won't, I promise. Ste and I actually talked and I got it out in the open. It feels a lot better to have it all out there, like another weight's been lifted from my shoulders. I am really sorry though."
"I know," John Paul sighed and pulled Doug into a hug. Doug rested his head on John Paul's shoulder. "You have to understand I would never have started this relationship with you if I wasn't ready or if I wasn't over Craig. I wouldn't put you through that. I'm not Ste. I'm not going to use you to keep my mind off my ex and I'm not going to go running back to him."
"I know. I shouldn't have thought you were."
"I'm with you because I like you not because you're a rebound. You make me smile and we have fun together. That's not something I thought would happen again so quickly. I didn't intend to fall for you like this but I did. I wasn't looking for another relationship but you appeared and you made me feel alive again."
"Can we just start again?" Doug asked.
"That would be good."
"I'm going to kiss you now if that's okay."
"That's more than okay," John Paul smiled and pressed his lips against the young American's. "Maybe we should continue this upstairs," he suggested.
"Why? You afraid your mom's gonna walk in on us?"
"Yes I am but I'm more afraid that she'll crack out the baby photos when she sees you here."
"But that seems like such a fun way to spend the afternoon," Doug laughed.
"Don't even joke about it, it's embarrassing."
"That's why I'm glad my parents are in America."
"Well maybe one day you can take me there and I can ask to see them."
"You think we'll be together long enough to go and meet my parents?"
"I hope so," John Paul smiled. "I'm up for it if you are."
"I'm definitely up for it," Doug grinned and kissed John Paul again.