Akatsuki Issues

By Magewriter

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing by Masashi Kishimoto. If I did, this wouldn't be fanfiction – it would be the official Akatsuki knockoff novel.

I forgot to tell y'all! (omg I can't believe I just used "y'all"…) Over the weekend (the end-of-April weekend, in case this isn't posted for a long time) we had to make molas. Molas are these beautiful cloth creations from panama that make two months to make, but we had a weekend and we made them with construction paper and glue.

…Anyway, my friend (Denkomaru on DeviantART) was making this beautiful, super-detailed one of a several-tailed wolf. Or maybe it was Kyuubi. I'm not sure. So, anyway, on Saturday I didn't feel like making a turtle (they're cute, but they're still turtles.) so instead I got some new construction paper (my parents bought zillions of sheets when I was younger) and made one of Kisame. Eventually, I want to make "molas" of ALL of the Akatsuki members. Dei-chan is the last of the normal members (his can't be imperfect in any way, shape, or form, or Pockles will kill me), then I'm doing Nameless and Leader, even if they haven't shown up yet in the series.

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That night, Ritonno dragged a tall stool into the kitchen and instructed Deidara, teaching him how to make takoyaki. He was freaked out by the octopus legs, but then, he didn't like dealing with any meat that looked alive. Sure, he killed people, but he didn't eat them afterwards. That was what Zetsu were for.

However, despite Deidara's exclamations over how disgusting the octopus limbs were, the takoyaki actually turned out pretty well. The Akatsuki enjoyed it enough that Deidara probably wouldn't have to do laundry the next day. Deidara seemed grateful that he could follow instructions.

The mountainous plate of takoyaki was soon finished off. Although they all had plates, no one except for Ritonno and Leader seemed to use theirs. Most of them had dedicated a large part of their day to training games in the woods, and they were hungry. Leader was hungry, too, but he controlled himself very strictly and therefore used good manners at all times except when he was acting like the S-class murderer that he was.

After dinner, everything happened as though Ritonno had never been injured: Leader went to his room as the rest of the Akatsuki piled in front of the TV, vying for couch space. Ritonno eventually ended up getting the best seat on the couch using her ankle to say that she needed to sit down on something and hopefully, it wouldn't be the floor. Since Ritonno's "hopefully" meant "get off the couch or I'll hurt you," a space was quickly made for her. Directly after the soap opera was over, she went to bed, falling asleep at about the same time as Leader and about an hour before the rest of the Akatsuki.

In the morning, she had virtually no limp. When Itachi came upstairs to have breakfast, she informed him that their fight was going to be that afternoon. He just said "hn" and was silent for the rest of breakfast. He seldom saw the purpose in talking when he hadn't been addressed.

Once again, Tobi was forced to shovel the backyard. Zetsu, their moderators, helped to set the rules, then stood back and told them to start.

Itachi rushed at Ritonno, a kunai in hand. When he was only about a foot from her, she was jumping out of the way; she then turned around, hit him in the back with one of her practice kunai, and got away from him before he could land any physical attacks. The match went on, Ritonno winning mostly by skill. She had been forbidden to turn invisible, but she was still far more agile than Itachi, who depended on strength and genjutsu to win fights. With her weapons, thrown from far away, she defeated him. It wasn't a fast battle, but hey, she wasn't in any hurry. Finally, Itachi's supposed wounds were bad enough that, in a real battle, he wouldn't be able to fight. Zetsu declared the end of the match, which Ritonno welcomed because her ankle was going to start hurting if she had to fight for too much longer.

Itachi might have avoided his loss if he hadn't rushed at Ritonno in the beginning. It gave him an idea of how fast Ritonno was, which was what he had intended to figure out, but it also gave Ritonno a good idea of how fast Itachi could move and how quickly he could gain momentum.

This led, ultimately, to his defeat.

However, he never realized this.

Leader, of course, was watching the entire thing from his attic, which looked out over every side of the Akatsuki building.

Ritonno took a bath, then for some reason decided that her hair was too long and asked if anyone in the Akatsuki knew how to do decent haircuts.

The only positive response that she got (besides the one from Deidara) was from Sasori, who said that he could, indeed, cut her hair "very short." She decided to ask Tobi if he could cut her hair. He said that he could, but not well.

Unfortunately, Ritonno didn't trust Deidara with scissors and her hair.

Finally, she asked Itachi if he could cut hair so that it looked nice afterward. He said yes, but he wasn't willing to. She said that he'd better.

So he did.

With her hair still wet, Ritonno finally got her hair cut. She liked it cut in a curve so that it was shorter on the sides – that was the way that she had always worn her hair. So, she told Itachi to just take off a few inches.

Itachi, in his current loathing for her, cut it straight across. When Ritonno screeched at him, the entire Akatsuki house heard.

Every. Single. S-class. Villain.

So, Itachi was forced to cut Ritonno's hair in a curve because Leader liked quiet in the afternoon. This made Ritonno's hair much shorter than she would have liked, but since it would grow back, she wasn't as mad as she had been for the original cut.

About two seconds after Itachi had gotten out of her room, Deidara was inside of it. He could have complimented her. He could have given a normal response to seeing her with unusually short hair. But, being Dei-chan, what did he say? "You look different, yeah."

"I would hope so. Itachi just hacked off a bunch of my hair. I'd better look 'different.'"

"It's really pretty, yeah."

"Heh… I don't think so. It's too short."

"Do you think I'd look good with short hair, yeah?"

"No. You look awesome with it long."

"Okay, yeah…"

"Trust me. Guys look totally awesome with long hair. If more guys let their hair grow out, it would be soooooooo awesome…" She was now in fangirl mode.

"You're sort of scary, yeah."

She grinned widely. "I watch shounen-ai."

Deidara laughed. He was cute when he laughed, with his childish smile. "You're funny, yeah!"

"Will you pick one? You've given me three compliments so far, but which one is it? Am I pretty, scary, or funny?"

"You're just awesome, yeah!"

"I know I am." Ritonno smiled at Deidara. They had become very close since that time before Christmas when he had gotten sick; they were close enough that her pretense of being haughty was such an obvious lie that it was funny.

Itachi came back into her room. "Isn't it customary to pay someone for a haircut?" He extended his hand, waiting.

Ritonno looked at him as though to say, "get out of my room, freak. I'm not giving you any money!"

Then, Realization came over her face and she simply looked exasperated. "Kakuzu, drop the illusion."

The masked, money-obsessed, five-hearted, sewn-together Akatsuki member turned back into himself. "How could you tell it was me?"

"Well, you acted like Itachi, but you felt different. I can't really explain it. Itachi just feels sort of… threatening and emo and closed off."

"I heard that!"

"Yeah, and you know it's true!" She was obviously very used to communicating with Itachi through the wall. She turned back to Kakuzu. "…Anyway, you're more… normal, kind of. Itachi probably would have brought it up at dinner because we all know that he could never be bothered to walk all the way into the next room just to ask for payment for something he didn't even want to do in the first place."

"Oh."

"If he were feeling particularly un-apathetic – that's really the only way to describe it, he's not really lazy, per se, but he doesn't usually seem to see the sense in doing anything besides practicing his fighting arts – he might decide to walk in here, but since he's not in an absolutely wonderful mood, he would never do that."

"Whoa, yeah. How do you do that?"

"What?"

"How did you…? Just now, yeah…"

"You mean psychology? It's this process called 'paying attention' and 'having feelings.' Those two processes help me to understand what people are like based on their background, personality, and relationships. For example, if someone noticed that I like to hang around with you, they might determine that I like children."

"You're mean, yeah!"

"I know. And, since I know Itachi so well, I can determine most of his actions when his mind is working as it does normally."

"That's just amazing, yeah!"

"Yep." Then she turned to Kakuzu. "Why are you still in my room?"

Kakuzu proceeded to get out of her room, then (it being dark outside) she decided to make dinner.

She became aware that Leader was watching her. She was relatively confident that he had been for awhile, but if she showed any surprise, she would look bad.

So, she made a casual comment that as long as he was watching her he could at least show himself to her.

"I'm practicing your technique. Aren't you happy?"

"Yes, but if I were thinking logically, I wouldn't be."

"Continue…"

"Well, if you can do everything I can, then wouldn't that make me worthless as anything other than your slight inferior?"

"Good answer. That's exactly why I've never told anyone how I do my moves."

"Really? So you were listening when I told Deidara how emo I used to be?"

"I hear everything."

"I know you do. That doesn't mean you have to pay attention."

"That's correct."

"…But, since you have a crush on me, you do."

He tried to think of something witty to say, as he normally would, but he couldn't so he left, escaping to his attic where no one could enter if he didn't say they could.

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These chapters seem to end with Leader being a recluse in his attic. Obviously, he's still in denial. I love how Ritonno's the only one who realizes it…

Somehow, I don't have anything to write. I just took a bath, so my hair's all wet (as it will be for a few hours) and it's 9:13 and I'm wearing pajamas and a polyester kimono-pattern robe with an authentic Japanese sash-thing. Life is awesome, but somehow I can't remember what I wanted to write.

Bet you thought this would be Ritonno/Deidara when this started.

This chapter reads pretty quickly, considering that it's four pages. If I took out the comments, it would probably be most of three.